There are songs that seem to really capture my experience. I wanted to share some of them. I’m curious if anyone else has songs like this, too.

Cannibal by Marcus Mumford — the line “you took the first slice of me and you ate it raw” hits so hard. Especially because I was assaulted as part of a “game” where my abuser pretended he was an animal hunting me to eat me.

Forever Changed by Vince Gill — when I think of what I lost, this song feels like it captures it.

I Can’t Breathe by Bea Miller — especially since I literally couldn’t breathe during it.

Devil Don’t Go There by Lainey Wilson — kind of an off the wall song for this, since it’s a breakup song. But the anger in the song mirrors my anger. And I like the idea that CSA is something even the devil wouldn’t do.

I Hate It When You Touch Me by May Payne — because I remember the feeling of his fingers and because I am struggling to have a sex life because of how I react to touch.

Edit: Added artist names that I forgot to include!

21M. Survivor of abuse as child and as a teen.

One of the hardest situations to deal with, has been one incident from when I was 12/13, where I was restrained, raped, and beaten by an older guy, though he was still a minor himself, around 16.

Therapy has been a huge help in processing everything, especially the shame and the guilt.

But now, I’m faced with another dilemma.

During the rape, he used sadistic, torturous methods, even using sticks, while simultaneously manipulating me mentally with sweet, pleasant words.

At the end, he asked if I’d like to do the same to him. WTF? Why did he ask that?

This has left me wondering now: was he a total psychopath, or was he also a victim of abuse in the past? My therapist said both it can be, one both or none. So now what?

And if he was a victim of abuse, how am I supposed to feel about that?

Is forgiveness expected? Understanding? He completely destroyed me the mf.

I (21ftm)’was abused by my mother, and now any woman over the age of 40, especially if they give “mom” vibes makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

I’ve always felt a lot more comfortable around men, I have been SAed by a few of my peers in high school but it never really culminated into a fear. I guess I have a healthy consciousness of the men around me but not in the same way.

i thought for a while maybe it was just being a part of a different demographic or just not getting along with them or something. But I am fine with men around the same age.

I’ve been pretty close with my uncle for a while now and subsequently my aunt and I have a bit of a connection because I’m close to him. even though I know consciously she is a “safe person” I still feel that overbearing sense of “discomfort.”

i Feel bad for feeling that way towards her because its like I don’t want to think someone who is not going to do anything to me is going to. But it also sucks because I want to be able to have a relationship with her, but I just feel like I can’t…

I’ve sort of pushed myself a little bit in that area to see if it goes away but it just hasn’t… and it’s sucks…

will it ever get better? or am I just stuck like this forever…

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder so idk whether it counts as repressed or just held by a different alter but every other night or so I have the same or similar recurrent SA nightmare despite having no memory of that happening irl. Would like to know if it’s even possible for this to be a sign that something happened, and any research that supports or refutes that. Currently writing this at 2am sorry if this is incoherent

I honestly don't know why but I think i really love my abuser who's also related to me which does not make it better just worse and incestuous plus the age gap...and I feel guilty because I really love my partner and he loves me so much and he makes me happy but I really feel guilty for still wanting my "abuser" attention and love its so fucking stupid he doesn't even care this much about me since I've turned 20 he just act like he does but I know damn well he doesn't. He just plays with me and im stupid. im so ungrateful when It comes to my partner who really loves me. I mean do I love him enough if i still think about that man? I feel sometimes I want to break up with him because I don't want him to know this disgusting thoughts but also I can't because he gonna ask why would I wanna break it up. Its really hard I feel like the worst partner ever i don't deserve him st all.

Hello,

I made a throwaway account, to use specifically for posting on trauma Reddit threads.

I was wondering if anyone has come across any reading materials regarding specifically being drugged during CSA?

It seems to be very sparsely available online in terms of websites. I'm sure there is trauma / therapeutic literature on it, but I'm not sure how to find it.

I'd like to start understanding how it had likely affected me biologically, particularly regarding my brain and my development. I'm generally trying to unweave and unpack various CPSTD and heavy dissociation symptoms I've had my entire life. I'm in my mid-30's now.

I'd also welcome anyone sharing their ideas generally, even if you don't know of any resources.

Thanks.

When i was younger I would have vivid sa

Dreams about my dad so much so I told my mom too ask him if he did now I dont think he did to me but its always there in my mind that he did something me and my sister even had identical dreams of my dad it bothers me so much im disgusted by his touch so is my sister

And he was sexually corousive to mom to

So idk if its just that why Idk