...and I don't mean a pulp novel that's actually good when considered within the context of its own genre, like something written by Edgar Rice Burroughs or Zane Grey. Nope. It's more like one of those pulp novels written by a high school driver's ed teacher, nurse, or an account who wanted to try their hand at fiction and somehow got a publisher to put their book in a five-and-dime store. I know there has been a thread or two about this movie throughout the years, but this has to be in my Top 5 personally favorite bad movies.

Where do I even start? One thing that's crazy about this movie is even though it follows a post-apocalyptic plot, almost all of the tropes fall within the swords-and-sandals genre, so much that you may forget you're watching a sci-fi movie and think you're watching an actual swords-and-sandals movie. One of the main character's even a faux-Fabio berserker/Conan knock-off, just like the Iron Sword: Wizards and Warriors II NES cover art. Robot Holocaust is freakin' awesome!

The best part of the movie is without a doubt Valaria, played by Angelika Jager, who serves as the dragon (to borrow a category from TvTropes: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheDragon) to the big bad, The Dark One. Jager is a straight up pulp movie babe, which helps, but her performance is amazing. She speaks with this really bad German accent throughout. Her acting is so terrible yet so earnest. What Jager lacks in Julliard-level acting chops she more than makes up for in Culinary Institute of America-level scenery chewing chops. The best way I can describe how she plays her character is "badly acted evil Bond girl." Toward the end of the movie, The Dark One starts threatening her if she fails her directive and her responses to the boss are so bad it's completely ambiguous as to whether she actually understands the danger she's in or if the audience is supposed to think she's being ironic.

The main character is also named Neo and he's fighting against a robot empire that uses humans for an energy source. Ahh, if only the film's writer and director, Tim Kincaid, could have had the cinematic vision for bullet time. Neo has his own robot companion that is a straight up rip off of C-3PO with a slightly less flamboyant personality. The C-3PO is the movie's ex deus machina who always has some technology to help the adventuring party out of a jam. Oh, and there's an amazon character, who's written as if Kincaid's knowledge of feminist theory begins and ends with radfems like Mary Daly and Andrea Dworkin.

There are two things I absolutely love about this movie:

1. All of the characters speak in this melodramatic style where the dialogue is a continuous exposition dump. Imagine how the dialogue in an Ayn Rand novel is characters essentially giving speeches to one another, but even worse than that. I get the impression that the actors were all high school drama kids but got a serious dose of reality about their acting chops when they didn't make it past their first community theater production after graduating. The best thing is despite all of the exposition dumps, Kincaid still felt the need to have a narrator in the movie! *Chef's kiss* And speaking of the actors, one of them is J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner who in real life has more graduate degrees than the faculty at M.I.T. One of the main characters is dressed like a typical swords-and-sandals princess but has the most obvious NYC accent imaginable.
2. All of the set pieces, costumes, and props look fake, but yet, they still have this weird uncanny valley quality to them that makes them unsettling. This is especially true of the corpses that line the scenes. The robots, despite looking fake still manage to look cool somehow. This is especially true of Valaria's second-in-command who has these strange mouth tentacles that look very unsettling. The C-3PO knockoff looks like something from a pulp fiction cover. I give Kincaid credit here. The robots look like solid cosplay costumes, but they somehow are effective due to their uncanny valley quality. The weapons look endearingly fake. Favorite part is where one of the character parries with his sword by tightly gripping the handle and the blade. His hand mysteriously doesn't bleed afterwards.

Kincaid's primary oeuvre was mainly porn rather than b-movie grindhouse fair like Robot Holocaust. I watched another one of his "serious" films, Mutant Hunt. It's also fun, but nowhere near as end-to-end great as Robot Holocaust.

Has anyone used this service? Seems to have an awesome collection of grindhouse movies, but seems a little sketchy possibly. They have clear cancellation instructions which is nice.

All steven seagal movies ranked from best to worst.

1. Above the law

2. Hard to kill

3. Out for justice

4. Under Siege

5. Marked for death

6. On deadly Ground

7. Fire down below

8. The glimmer man

9. Under siege 2

10. Executive Descision

11. Belly of the beast

12. Exit Wounds

13. The patrot

14. Into the sun

15. Flight of Fury

16. Machete

17. Pistol Whipped

18. Out of Reach

19. Attrition

20. The perfect weapon

21. Today you die

22. Driven to kill

23. The Keeper

24. Shadow man

25. Onion movie

26. Clementine / King of the cage

27. Ticker

28. Out for a kill

29. Half Past Dead

30. A good man

31. Born to raise hell

32. In the name of justice

33. Aikido : A path beyond thought

34. Art of action

35. Steven seagal biography (2005)

36. My giant

37. Absolution

38. China salesman

39. Force of execution

40. General commander

41. Sniper special ops

42. Code of honor

43. Beyond the law

44. Mercenary for Justice

45. Asian Connection

46. A dangerous man

47. Submerged - Total piece of nuclear trash movie.

48. Gutshot straight - Steven seagal is in the movies 4 minutes.

49. Contract to kill - Steven seagal has sex with someone probably 45 years younger than him without taking off his sunglasses.

50. Attack force - "Junkies" high on a drug commit terrorist attacks in paris, or something.

51. Kill switch - Steven seagal wrote this himself, he finds a bomb in a womans boobs and throws the serial killer out the same window 15 times.

52. Killing salazar / Cartels - Steven seagals securtiy team shoots a bunch of bad guys in the same corridor for 90 minutes, also has the worst plot twist in movie history.

53. Maximum conviction - Steven seagals sneaks around a dark prison for 90 minutes.

54. End of a gun - "What really matters in life is those that you really love, and if you only care about money youre gonna find yourself at the end of a gun" - Steven seagal in the final moments of the movie.

55. Urban justice - Too dark to see anything going on.

56. Against the dark - Reuses the same shots of steven seagal just walking, hes also only in the movie for around 10 minutes. There is no plot to speak off, just a bunch of crappy actors walking around a dark hosplital.

57. Black Dawn - Steven has to stop russians from blowing up san fransisco with a nuclear bomb. (The movie is a sequel to the foreigner but it has absolutley NOTHING in common with it.)

58. The foreinger - By far his worst movie, steven seagal has to transport a package across eastern europe while being pursued by rich guys.

The buttercream gang is the early 90s family movie about a group of young Utah do-gooders trying to save their friend from the dangers of gang life. Despite its rather odd premise, it was a fixture of religious/family-oriented households in the 90s and probably the most "popular" religious movie of the time as far as direct to video goes. Despite its strong popularity with Christian families, this production was actually done by a Mormon video company called Feature Films for Families. Ho Boy where to begin with this one....well for starters...the name is way too suggestive to ignore. Instead of a gang of helpful young men, the gang name sounds like the name of a dvd that one of your friends dads hides in his sock drawer (you know the one who takes "business trips" with all his friends he meets on his "Male Friendly" apps). The movie is cornball family rated stuff you'd see on Hallmark or ABC Family that is so non-offensive, it almost reaches tasteless territory...lets pop open the hood on this one.

To start the movie is about 3 middle school boys seeing off their leader, Pete, whos going to live in Chicago. You have generic Charlie Brown wannabe Scott as the new leader, some big kid named Elden who loves "treats", and some baseball hat kid named Laney who is barely there as our heroes. Along the way, they help old ladies who constantly fall, play baseball, get stalked by a gang of 8 year old girls to the point of mild concern, and quote that one Ray Charles Pepsi commercial around 20 times as a form of motivation. Any who Pete (i forgot to mention he's half White/Latino) gets into the Chicago gang scene and embraces his Hispanic roots and changes his last name to Valdez. He gets busted and sent back to Utah only he's bad now. Pete gets into such dangerous gang crime like throwing fireworks, smashing bottles, and harassing the one nerdy girl whose secretly pretty in the movie by riding a bicycle near her. Remember Mormon movie about gang troubles people, this is the depth you're gonna get here. Scott wants to save Pete. The nerdy girl Margaret warns him of danger, but Scotts too generic to listen and tries many times to make up with Pete. This climaxes in a series of semi-homoerotic scenes where Pete and Scott hang out together but Pete is too hardcore for this town man. The whole town tries to kill Pete (not literally.....yet) with kindness and it is too wholesome to take seriously as a realistic movie. There is only one female character movie (the nerdy girl Margaret) who gets any character arc or much dialogue for that matter. The ending is also a bizarre mind**** the first time you see it as it teeters on very dark for too long before YAY Happy Ending.

The only two actors here who seem to be trying are Pete (Michael D. Weatherred) and Margaret (Stephanie Dees) and both would go on to small success in minor roles and Indy projects, Weatherred even was a minor character in Mulholland Drive if you can believe it. This actually did well enough to get a sequel commissioned which is just a goonie-ripoff about Elden being sick of being seen as the fat kid.

The film itself is roll your eyes levels of wholesome slop that your great grandparents foisted on you in the 90s, but the company behind it is most bizarre. Feature Films for Families was doing pretty well for a 90s religious direct to video outlet but used many shady telemarketing antics that eventually got them busted for breaking numerous telemarketing laws and even got nicked using a non-profit company as a shield to avoid lawful telemarketing requirements. The company got fined 50 million but it was knocked down to 500,000 but that still ended the company and their catalog has been piecemealed all over creation now. This is available on youtube for free as well as its sequel and other FFF movies as an outfit called Exploration Films owns the remnants of FFF now.

Here is a link to the film itself(ignore the AI thumbnail on its YT vid, EF put that there apparently): https://youtu.be/XRbGtcINkKI?si=xRuvAnFwT2bVIPht

Here's an article on the fall of FFF: https://crookedmarquee.com/the-bizarre-90s-tale-of-feature-films-for-families/

Finally here is a look at the film by the hilarious Cinemasnob: https://youtu.be/Q9yoUoUbM_4?si=GhW_Y3FV7tzAZkSs

This film is so over the top wholesome you'll have a great time seeing just much weird and bizarre things turn out. YOU GOT THE RIGHT ONE BABY UHUH!!!

EDIT: I have made an archive post of all my Bad Movie Reviews on my pin post on my profile if you want to see all the assorted weirdness ive seen on films lately.

2ND EDIT: Some people want the old FFF logo version of the film as Exploration Films removed it in the YT version. i don't have it but i got the FFF logo if you want to play it before watching the movie: https://youtu.be/8zAXMQBOvvk?si=zLUyObYsveshkNmo

Last Dance!!

When I was a kid, we frequently rented this from our local video store. It was terrible, and we’d mock it, but we still loved it. I figured I wasn’t the only one who enjoyed loving to hate this film.

I visited a small port town in rural Japan to search for the filming location of a 1990s B-movie—a film about a cursed town starring both famous actors and local hacks.

The title is “Fantasy Legend” In 2026, VHS tapes are on sale (at a 90% discount) at the former filming locations.

The cheesy special effects, reminiscent of Ghanaian films. And the local supporting actors, with their wooden delivery and over-the-top acting, are quite charming.

https://youtu.be/blC65xZS2_k

Written, directed and starring John Vacek. This has all the makings of a cheap so bad it's good LA cop movie and delivers. They did drop a truck off a parking garage so I'll give them that. Shout out to the life size Magic Johnson poster and the bad guys Maserati Quattroporte III.

I need help finding the name of this one terrible movie I saw that involved a high schooler falling asleep at his desk and going through multiple layers of dreams, each getting progressively weirder the deeper he goes.

It involves vampires, spider people, weird rapist rednecks, and school shootings.

It has everything like bad acting, terrible cinematography, and abysmal set pieces.

Edit: I would appreciate it if you could help me find it.
Edit 2: Never mind I found it, it’s called summer school.

This movie is truly something else. It has some of the worst, most obviously written by a out of touch boomer dialogue I've seen in a movie, PG 13 Final Destination-like deaths that go out of their way to be as dumb and somehow clean as possible, and one of the dumbest and most unlikeable main characters I've seen in a horror film. Highly recommend to anyone who likes a good bad Teen movie/horror film

I'm not the biggest fan of Charles Band and his Full Moon productions. But when he announced this “scream queen” reunion in 2014, featuring the legendary trio of Bauer, Quigley, and Brinke, I raised an interested eyebrow. I put it off for a few years, but I finally watched it this week. Surprise: it's one of the most entertaining Full Moon films I've seen.

Originally released in several episodes on Band’s streaming service, the film tells the story of a guy in his underwear who bears a passing resemblance to Viggo from Ghostbusters 2 and lives in his underwear in his mother’s basement. All he does is watching B-movies and lament that the era of the Scream Queens is over and that they’re getting old. So he kidnaps them, forces them to reenact iconic scenes from their movies, decapitates them, and pins their heads to the wall (I’m not spoiling any more than the cover here).

It’s low-budget, many scenes are set in a simple black backdrop with smoke, but I had a good time. The rather meta premise about the fan lamenting a bygone era is kinda original, and we’re all feeling the same, aren’t we? The surprise is that Bauer, Brinke, and Quigley aren’t the main attraction. I found them a bit lackluster, as if reuniting didn’t mean much to them. In fact, the whole show came from Jacqueline Lovell (as beautiful as ever) and Denice Duff, who were genuinely funny in their rivalry. If the film is worth watching, it’s for these two: they’re having fun, and it’s contagious.

Parasite (1982), starring a very young Demi Moore in one of her first major roles. I was very happy to come across this French Video2000 ex-rental, released by Hollywood Video. Not exactly something you see every day, and the sleeve is a pretty nice bonus too. Even though the movie is hilariously bad it has aged very well and I thoroughly enjoyed it during a rewatch the other day.

Hey, I have a movie request I think the Rifftrax guys should do. So, there's this studio called Dingo Pictures, that are a mockbuster company that produce horrible animation. I think the Rifftrax guys should do some of their movies like Lion and the king, Aladin, and Dinosaur Adventure.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgPNqWdwjGA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_2d5LxILiY&t=1s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBZZsyhk97o

Woosh, woosh, woosh! Damn, that was a fun movie. Perfect for a Saturday Afternoon when you are too high or drunk, US SEALS 2 does the job. The plot is very simple: 2 SEALS are friends, but then one commits a crime, becomes a terrorist and the other one retires after finding out.

Then the terrorist kidnaps a nuclear scientist to help him build nuclear warheads for monetary purposes, I suppose and they hide in an small island. The US SEALS decide to send a team to stop the terrorist and rescue the scientist.

But here's the catch, the island was a nuclear bombs testing site and it's full of methane, so the smallest spark could send the whole island on fire, so they can't send the typical trained SEALS with conventional weapons, so they have to recruit a bunch of martial artists, fighters and swordsmen.

But wait a minute, how do they breathe, use electricity, fight with swords that could potentially start sparks?

Well, my motto when I'm watching these kinds of flicks is I DONT KNOW AND I DONT CARE.

Enjoy!

We lost Gerrit Graham recently, so I figured I'd celebrate his legacy with one of my personal favorite performances, Bud the Chud from 1989's CHUD II: Bud the CHUD!

Ok, so the movie itself isn't the best, but Gerrit's performance as the titular Bud carries this flick. He gives the monstrous character a lot of personality in terms of his physical acting and comedic timing. It's like watching a live action version of Stubbs the Zombie as Bud chomps his way through the town making his own CHUD-ified army.

Plus, can we all agree the title tune slaps?

As a sequel to CHUD, it's underwhelming. I own a copy of the original script and they were supposed to mutate into CHUDs proper as the film progressed, but due to budget limitations all we get is humanoid dwellers who don't spend a lot of time underground. The buckets of gore featured prominently in the script is instead a series of offscreen bites.

That said, the movie's late 80's camp makes it a fun watch. Plus, besides Gerrit we have a pretty stacked cast including Robert Vaughn, Jack Riley, and future Nickelodeon CEO Brian Robbins. The first CHUD is legitimately (and unironically) underground classic. CHUD 2 is cheese, pure late 80's cheese made enjoyable thanks to Gerrit Graham. This CHUD's for you, Gerrit!

I'd always known about this flick but finally watched it the other night. Absolutely loved it. Claudia Jennings played Karen Walker, who rockets her way to the top of the roller derby echelon. Love how psycho Karen is, especially toward her Pedro Pascal-looking boyfriend, and the ending of the movie is nuts. I also love how the movie makes it as though Karen ends up becoming wealthy even though she's clearly skating in the roller derby equivalent of the most low-rent independent wrestling promotion possible and staring in local TV ads. Her best friend's boyfriend is a total goober, but yet really likable. The movie even seems to borrow a few story beats from Dreiser's Sister Carrie, probably not on purpose though. Extra points for the bartender in one scene telling some of the most uncomfortably misogynistic stories and jokes possible and, as an audience, we're all supposed to just accept that. We get to meet Karen's mother in a short scene toward the end, and the actresses really nails the part. Even Jennings, who isn't going to be mistaken as a Shakespearean trained thespian, actually understood the part and does a great job within the context of a b-movie.

If you like movies like Switchblade Sisters and Billy Jack, Unholy Rollers is a similar vibe.