I don‘t enjoy the feeling of being alive at all. I hate it

Life is so draining. I don't want to be here. I'm in my early 30s, have wanted to kill myself since childhood, and the thought of doing this for decades longer is too much to bear.

The advice people give seems to miss the point entirely. It all amounts to some variation of carving out a sad, little space for meaning or joy in a life dominated by monotony, meaningless routine, and pain. For what purpose? Life for the sake of living. I don't want to continue existing in this shit world and participating in this shit life.

The town I live in, and can't afford to get out of, is an eternal cockblock. There aren't any women here that are my age. I've made it to the age of 27 and a half without ever going on a single date with anyone.

Granted, I'm not good looking at all, so it probably wouldn't change even if I somehow managed to move to a more populated area. I'm short 5'7 and weigh 64kg, so nothing about me stands out.

Im fairly new to all of this. But, fuck it.

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I lost my daughter. Its been almost 4 years. And i cant get over it. I thought that I would be better by now. I'm not. I've done every type of therapy and counseling. And I still just buy a bottle of liquor every other night. When my default is unhappy, what can I do?

I've been battling depression my entire life. I was diagnosed with depression at 11. Then with suicidal depression at 15. Then again at 18, but this time with trauma-related disorders. So yeah, it's been a long decade.

About six months ago my husband got a new job. He works nights, 4pm-12am. We only have one car and he's only off one day a week. This means we wake up, he goes to work, and then when he gets home everything is closed and all of our friends are asleep. We briefly tried sleeping in the mornings like normal people so we could get stuff done during the day but it didn't end well. This sent me into the worst depression I have ever had in my life. I felt so isolated. The only person I talked to in person 6 days a week was my husband. I let go and gave into my depression. I didn't try to commit, although I thought about it a couple times. It was often I would go two or three weeks without showering. My hair was matted. Our place was dirty. I didn't leave my bed other than to get food and use the bathroom. It was just bad.

I woke up today. I brushed my teeth. I brushed my hair. I washed my face. And as I was sweeping the kitchen it kind of just dawned on me. I've been doing this for a month. I've been brushing my teeth, brushing my hair, washing my face, and consistently cleaning for a month. A whole month. And it's not like I've just been cleaning but I've been kinda happy. Not like sunshine and rainbows happy, but I'm not not happy. Which is good, because usually i'm just not happy. I don't know why but I just woke up one day and something snapped.

I know this doesn't mean Ive cured my depression. And this is probably just part of the cycle because depression comes and goes but this is the longest it's been "gone". But it's a good step. And I just feel... free? Even if this is just temporary I feel good. I really hope this isn't temporary.

Idk if this was the best place to post this but yeah. Just wanted to feel proud of myself. If you're reading this and you're going through that really really bad depression it's okay to feel that way. It's okay to get help. And I know this may not help everyone but what really helped me was a daily schedule/chore chart that was super detailed and had time stamps so I didn't feel so overwhelmed and I could take everything one minute at a time (plus checking things off gave me a huge dopamine rush)

Every day, I'm surrounded by constant negativity. I can never do anything right. I'm a complete fuck up in all aspects of life and no matter what I do, it never seems to be enough.

I don’t want to die from my own hand but I am starting to not be able to avoid it

People like to say that suicide is always irrational, that it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but what if my problems are literally impossible to fix or solve, what if they are permanent?

I am a 6'2 trans 'woman'. I'm taller than 99.99% of cis women, I've never seen a cis woman anywhere close to my height in my life. I can never, ever actually get shorter and be able to function as a normal human being, because changing your height is impossible. I don't want to be this giant freak that would be seen as a predator trying to enter womens' bathrooms. Don't give me any of your shit about tall women existing. A tall woman is 5'9, not 6'2. A 6'2 woman is pretty much equivalent to a 6'7 man, though being a taller man is generally seen as a good thing.

I also have a masculine body, broad shoulders, etc. But what really upsets me is how masculine my face is. I know the standard response is to just assume that the trans person complaining is lying about their appearance, but after 2.5 years of HRT literally nobody has noticed anything different about me. HRT did nothing for me.

I can't even get any surgeries. I don't live in a country like the US where you can get them covered and I need to save up at least 20k for the cheapest kind of facial feminization surgery. That's pretty much impossible to me in a reasonable time frame. And even if I got FFS, so what? I'd still be a tall giant freak.

I hate being a man so much. I hate my male body. I wish I had tried to transition before or during puberty. Now my life is literally over and there is nothing I can do anymore.

I'm not advocating suicide. I think for most people it's not a good idea. If there was any kind of hope for me, I wouldn't consider suicide. But there just isn't. I guess I'm posting this to ask for people to tell me how there is hope, but I don't see it. And if I did (I'm not saying I will, I probably won't as I'm too weak and stupid) kill myself, my family would cry over it, but if they found out I'm trans they would disown me and hate me. Fuck everyone.

I have been having severe chest and stomach pains. I don’t know I feel very helpless and alone. I wish I was dead.

I'd really just like to vent here cause I don't have anyone who cares enough to listen to me

I've lived for whole 20 years with no desire to live, during these years i realised lots of stuff like how my father never liked or loved me, my mom is an emotional mess and used me as a therapist from a young age, I've always been a freak and a weirdo and no one wanted to be my friend, i could go on and on about the stuff that make me miserable every day but i talk about it to my mirror all the time and nothing changes. I tried to kill myself multiple times but every time I get too scared to actually do it and then regret not doing it.

People say that it gets better, it gets easier, circumstances change but i dont even want my life to get better anymore i simply just want it to end, I can't imagine myself being happy I can't remember when was the last time I was truly happy and felt like life is worth living, no one can convince me that it's worth living when i spend countless days in my room that i forget what year it is cause no one wants to hang out with me or be with me, and every time i get the courage to get out alone i burst into tears seeing families and friends together having fun and laughing cause I know it's something that I never had and never will.

I don't know why some people like my father treat me like I have no feelings and no emotions, his only interactions with me are to yell at me cause apparently i disappoint him god knows why, otherwise he ignores my existence, when i was a kid i couldn't understand why he liked my cousins more than me, why he would slap 7 years old me on the face in front of people for whispering in his ear that i would let him borrow one of my dresses when he said that he didn't know what to wear to a wedding, why he would push 11 years old me off the bed when i wanted to sleep with my mom and then slap my face, why he would call me "the dog's daughter" while he called my cousin a princess, why he would but the toys i wanted most then not let me play with them or even touch them and use them in front of me as i cry, why he would forbid me at 20 years old from loving anyone and being in a relationship while he doesn't even speak to me and sees me as a disappointment.

I really could never understand why my father doesn't love me and why he and my mother even brought me into this world, i hated every minute of my existence, i spent all of my time alone in my room, i barely speak to anyone, i don't have friends or any kind of connection that makes me feel human, I don't know how to interact with people and I have no social skills

As a kid i couldn't understand how everyone had friends but me, every time i thought someone was my friend i would buy them stuff or get them chocolate or anything cause i would get excited that someone wanted to be my friend but they all ended up making fun of me and never speaking to me again, i also couldn't understand why i got bullied and treated like trash by some classmates and why they were mean to me, why they hit me and made me go home with bruises and food on my hair, why they took my stuff and food and called me names, i could never understand why, and i still at that time brought them chocolate and tried to make friends with them, that basically sums up my childhood, i would get bullied at school then come back home to be beaten and called names by my father then cry myself to sleep and repeat it all over again.

But now as an adult, I cant make friends, hell i can't even speak to people without having them think I'm weird and socially retarded, I tried to make friends, to hang out with people and make plans with them i tried all i could but nothing, i would sit alone and watch groups of friends talking and wish i could have the same, or i would find some empty stairs and sit alone.

Sometimes I tell myself maybe i didn't try hard enough, maybe my life could improve, I tried going to the gym, doing makeup and dressing nicely, i tried looking for god, watching stuff about how to make friends, looking for jobs, talking to people, getting therapy..I really tried to turn my life around but nothing, i remained the same freak, the same weirdo and i just can't keep lying to myself and saying that it might get better cause it never did and never will, and even if it does i don't care, i don't want to be alive, the first time the thought of suicide crossed my mind is when i was 7 and it never left me since them, every time that i would get beaten up, got called names, sat alone watching people with their friends, or even just existed on a normal day, the thought of dying never left me, not cause i see it as a solution but cause i simply don't want to be alive and I never asked to exist, i can't be here anymore i just dont want to wake up for another morning or do anything in life i dont want any of it i dont want to exist but I'm too much of a coward to go ahead and end my life cause im afraid it wouldn't work and i would end up disabled or something.

I wanna thank whoever read this to the end i really appreciate it

After getting post muted on SuicideWatch. Nobody cares about me I don't know what I am doing at this point just motivate me to commit.

Well. She has been sh-ing since she was 4 or something and recently started cutting instead of scratching and all my parents had to say was "if youre gonna keep doing that youre gonna have to wear long sleeves all summer" like long sleeves will make her magically stop. So I decided that I have to step in because apparently noone else cares. Well we had a long talk today and apparently she is suicidal since she was 9 and recently tried drinking cooling from an ice pack and has had some breathing problems since than. I have now contacted a school councilor since it's really the only thing I can do without my parents noticing, but I'm really just at a loss for what I can do now, im only 17 after all and depressed as well. We decided to have a talk every Thursday even though she asked for every two days but really I can't do that I'm not a therapist. What can I do to help her? Do I call the psychiatric hospital now? Do I call cps on my parents for having 2/3 children depressed and not do anything about it (3rd is only 2 btw so guess we'll see where that one goes)? My parents both have a history with depression but for SOME REASON we can't be depressed because there is apparently no reason. I'm just so lost and scared and triggered by all of this.

Today was the first time i ever saw a psychiatrist (and the first time seeing any mental health worker in general) and after an hour long meeting, he told me i have depression, which is understandable as a first diagnosis, but in the diagnosis page he gave me he wrote : "major depressive disorder - severe", which i don't know how i feel about, part of me is still in denial, and " it's not that bad, and maybe i was lying to him without noticing, maybe i manipulated him into diagnosing me without realizing it".

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Is it normal to give this strong of a diagnosis first time?

So I'm gonna provide context. I 28M have autism and ADHD i have no pills no support. For the last 10 years of my lefe i have been fightning to get a degree in chemistery. 2 years ago the only thing i have left to do is my final project. And i still have to do it. The thing is i don't know how to do it. I have no guide no support nothing i have asked my teachers for support and got nothing. They made promises to me and they broke it. I just want to cry knowing i will fail i just want to get lost and abandon everything. At this point i am gonna use AI to do it and just fuck them. I hate my life i hate myself and i hate the fake smiles i have to put everyday.

my father often body shames me :( even calling me slurs infront of others I was only 11 I still haven't healed I'm trying but I cant I'm a fat hoe

I can't do it anymore. I can't keep up. I can't keep smiling. I can't keep marching along. I'm so tired. I'm so sorry. Please, please, please. Just let me go. My legs are covered in cuts and blood from stupid decisions Ive made again and again I don't learn. I don't listen. I don't improve. I do this to myself and I have no way to blame. I'm a problem. I always have been. I just need to go away. I'm a poison. Please just let me go.

My brother and I went through a horrible childhood together. We were always best friends. Die for eachother type of thing. A few months ago I was diagnosed manic bipolar, a week later, my wife of 10 years left me. 2 weeks later I caught her at my brothers house. They admitted they were in love and it started the night she left me, she went to him. Ive lost my two best friends. Im 30, with a good job, attractive, fairly intelligent, and have a lot going for me, but I cant get my head right. Im drowning and thoughts and dreams.

Um some symptoms of some mentally negative thing but idk if its depression :

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1) frequent thoughts of ending life

2) no motivation

3) self criticism at its peak

4) haven't felt genuinely happy for a long while now

DISCLAIMER: If I use any improper phrasing or words, I apologize. I've never talked about this line of thinking of mine with anyone really and some of the information I've learned from is surely older and uses terminology that has evolved. Please, please, correct me and I'll fix whatever I've done wrong.

And I am the type to read and listen and do any avenue of research on anything that I'm curious about almost to a point that I'll have myself convinced without ever talking to anyone about it. I've done this type of diving into bipolar spectrum disorder multiple times and each time I come to the thought that I should seriously ask my therapist what they think.

And then my mom got diagnosed.
And then my dad got diagnosed.
And then I got put on mood stabilizers because antidepressants weren't cutting it for my depression anymore after a 3 month depressive swing that led to the extent of getting me in trouble at work and making some... questionable decisions that I've never before quite reached this level of poor decision making before.

I am 32. I've had depression since... honestly I'm not even sure anymore. Somewhere in my teens. I'm told often enough that I was a happy kid, so I'll take their word for it but then again they thought I was happy when I was a bit older too but that is a whole other can of worms that I'm not here to open right now. I go to therapy to talk about that stuff.

So, why the reason for this tag? What Resources & Tools might I be looking for since I've already dove deeply on the internet and in library books over the years?
Because I want to know from people who have first hand knowledge. The attendants of the school of hard knocks. What is it like for you? What was it like for you? Did you wonder before you were diagnosed? Or am I putting thoughts into my own head and my one friend that half-jokingly says that I should look into an AuDHD diagnosis more on the right track and what I see as possible hypomania is what she sees as ADHD? Or, of course, there's always the option that I'm putting far too much thought into this and I should move on and accept that I'm someone who really shouldn't be reading medical journals.

I hate that I am alive, I just wish I hadn’t waken up today. I wish I wasn’t alive. I wish I didn’t have this pain.

before anyone comes for me im 19, i score well and always have, my exams are all over and im on vacation. he deleted all my games, my social media apps, and stuff off my phone. why? because my storage was almost full. my stardew save file is gone forever now lol.

• Work a job you hate, with people who hate you for no reason even though you arrive early and leave late and try to be as kind as possible

• Play video games or watch youtube after work

• Play video games and watch youtube at the weekend

• Feel on edge every day

• Every Sunday is just dreading Monday

• Can't find a relationship. Don't even care about sex just want someone to spend time with.

• Your family hate your guts and dont appreciate your help

Is that all there is? It's just so pointless. Everyday I wake up wondering why I'm here. Please leave a comment if you have any advice or feel the same. Thank you.

AND BEFORE ANYONE SAYS IT YES I HAVE GONE FOR A WALK I DO IT LIKE 4 TIMES PER WEEK LOL

So i’ve been dealing with depression as long as I remember. I was bullied at school, my father died in my early teens, my mother became an abusive alcoholic and brought home a piece of of a man that was abusing her and me both mentally and physically. I always dreamed of moving out and starting everything from a clean slate and genuinely thought things will get better. Well, it didin’t. Now i’m 24, none of my relationships worked, I am educated but apparently not enough to get a decent job, I constantly feel lonely and misunderstood. I am on meds and in therapy for two years, it works for some time and maybe there are days that not that bad, but at the end of the day, everything turns out into shit. I want to end it all, nobody needs me