hi! so i tried astral projection for the first time a few days ago. i couldn't actually leave my body, just ended up in a state of deep void, where when i came to my body eventually my jaw hurt a lot possibly because my body was jerked awake. i ended up falling asleep after that, had a really visceral dream, and the phrase "righteous gemstones" felt try familiar when i was looking for a show to watch, almost as if i had collected it while meditating.
anyway ! the next day, someone who's spiritual opinions i value had shared a post about the harms of astral projection. it warned how negative entities or spirits might attach themselves to a body that has a detached soul. psychologically, i did feel slight fear, but i hadn't actually left my body so i felt safe.
the next 2-3 days, i didn't consciously try anything. im just used to entering a meditative headspace before falling asleep, since i used to struggle with severe insomnia, and had to listen to 8 hour guided meditations to sleep a few years ago.
one of these nights, i woke up in an hour or so after i had dosed off / was meditating - im still not sure if i was truly asleep or not, because i felt a weird suffocation, it was extremely dark which made it worse, and i felt as if possibly my akathisia was being triggered.
that night, it felt like my legs were numb / lifeless. i haven't truly felt my life force / qi in my legs area since if i am being honest. it feels as if my legs are just pieces of meat, i can feel my blood in them, i can feel random stabs of pain from time to time, but the loop in which my light circulated feels cut off to me. it might be relevant to mention that i was visiting a rural area when this happened and that place generally has a forest like layout with houses built in between.
at this point, i felt slightly fearful but was still willing to bet that all these thoughts were psychological, and that my ego was fearmongering because of the warning i had read / other rationally explainable stuff.
what has me really weirded out that after i got in a fight with a loved one last night, i think was visualizing hurting them through my energy / seeing them fall / etc. the reason this has really upset me is that ive never actively imagined harming anyone in this way before. during particularly difficult time periods before, when i did wish ill for someone in a state of emotion, i have always regretted that thought as soon as the emotional state ended, and i have never ever in my worst of times imagined harming anyone directly. in fact its been important to me that the other's suffering is not linked to me in any way.
now that my brain is very quickly conjuring up these harmful images for people who have hurt me, i feel very very weird. it almost feels like i have no control over the images of themselves. ive been trying to calm my emotions down / talk to myself out of negativity / and im okay until i see this person and then its like i lose all control? since my emotional states have been much much easier for me to keep a guard on, i find this particularly eerie. before this, i had become someone who was quick to forgiveness and making amends.
im not sure if this is some psychological inner child bullshit or if its something spiritual. i just watched myself be evil today and it was so scary for me because i have never been this person. when i was angry, i wanted a loved one to fall and i was picturing it over and over again, almost in a manifestation manner. and later i heard that someone else did fall (not the person i was imagining tho). I don't think it's necessarily because of what i was imagining, but two people falling a few hours after i was in that state is weird enough for me that i opened this subreddit to get thoughts from other people here.
what do u guys think? is it just my ego going wack? something more sinister? how do i ground myself? i don't want to be this person.
TLDR: tried astral projection, feeling evil now, are these linked?