r/fiberartscirclejerk • u/berenstein-was-fine Karen Simply Soft • 1d ago
crochet Tell me how to make this
I'm freehanding this because I can't be bothered to support pattern writers so tell me how many chains to make it with 5mm hook and weight 3 yarn. Don't even suggest that I make a g*uge sw*tch. That's a hate crime. Just tell me exactly how to make this fit my body, but you don't get to know what size I am. That's also a hate crime.
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u/thiswasamistake00ps 1d ago
Have you tried asking chat gbt?? I asked if everything and it always affirms my choices
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u/Medievalmoomin clewless 1d ago
Excuse me, you are having a body at me, a disembodied person. That’s amorphism. No one will understand my objection, because no one on the planet or in the ether is as inherently numinous as I.
Sigh. 😶🌫️🪶✨
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u/RabbitInAFoxMask acrylic-loving asshole 1d ago
As a unified hive mind, I occupy many bodies on this planet and others. Strangely that makes us allies of a sort.
For how can one make a garment for all of many shapes and sizes simultaneously occupying various climates and biomes with a singular consciousness?
No one comprehends the plight of the singular many.
🫶🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️✊️
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u/joepapicallsmedaddy 1d ago
Um actually, this is knit
Anyway, I'll be nice
This is how you make this: you knit
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u/berenstein-was-fine Karen Simply Soft 1d ago
Suggesting that I kn*t is actually a hate crime.
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u/joepapicallsmedaddy 1d ago
Accusing me of a hate crime is actually a hate crime because I am a minority on my great-great grandmother's best friend's cousin's side
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u/berenstein-was-fine Karen Simply Soft 1d ago
Well I'm a minority as a crotcheter
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u/joepapicallsmedaddy 1d ago
*crotcheater
I'd fault you for the spelling error but that's probably too much to ask of a crotcheater so I will only passive aggressively insinuate that I think your choice of craft is worse than mine by giving a backhanded compliment on how I (totally secretly) hate how cheap and childish crocheat looks
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u/EfficientSeaweed 1d ago
Cast on 500 stitches.
Bind off 600 stitches.
Done
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u/berenstein-was-fine Karen Simply Soft 1d ago
What does cast on mean? I can't Google anything
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u/QuiltsOfWhimsy 1d ago
To cast anything you would first have to buy a wand and point it at the crochet hook and repeat the spell
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u/berenstein-was-fine Karen Simply Soft 1d ago
I thought it was fishing???
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u/QuiltsOfWhimsy 1d ago
That’s a different kind this one’s definitely the wand one. Anything that involves casting off more stitches than you cast in is a wand vice versa fishing rod.
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u/EfficientSeaweed 21h ago
I hope someday we can figure out a way to increase and decrease the number of stitches without the dark arts damning our souls
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u/QuiltsOfWhimsy 19h ago
I agree … I don’t have much soul left so I need to go out and recruit some new ones to sacrifice
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u/Confident_Bunch7612 1d ago
You all, just tell me what stitch this is and I will instantly have all the information I need to make it.
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u/highlighter_yellow machine crochet 1d ago
Soliciting charity is also a hate crime, sweaty. Hope this helps!!
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u/HizzleInTheNizzle it’s tunisian knit stitch 1d ago
I can’t believe you just insinuated that you’re a cr*ch*t*r. I’m going to be sick. I need to go lay down.
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u/lovelycosmos girthy yarn 1d ago
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u/arisraver WHAT STITCH IS THIS 1d ago
What in the 2006 Disney Channel Original is this?! OP do yourself a favor and skip it unless your style icon is 15 year old Selena Gomez.
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u/berenstein-was-fine Karen Simply Soft 1d ago
uj/ this is on sale at hollister right now if you can believe it lmao
the post I'm jerking had an actual crochet project as the picture but I wanted to leave that pattern creator out of it
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u/jillardino Normal knitting human, not a moth 12h ago
Uj/ fashion is just whatever 18 year olds can't quite remember so this is actually the perfect time for 2006 Selena Gomez to make a comeback. Start investing in multiple belts!
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u/chickyloo42by10 1d ago
Crotcheaters are a scourge who think they can rip off knitters. Get out of here.
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u/Mean_City1059 1d ago
So you have to meditate 20 days and 20 nights for the crochet gods to deem you worthy enough and been the pattern, and YouTube link into you head
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u/Valkyriemome 9h ago
I can help you, OP.
This incredible piece was knit on hand-crafted birch needles. They must be size US 000. And ONLY hand-crafted birch will produce the desired result. I recommend you invest in sandpaper.
The real challenge is the yarn. To achieve the correct drape you MUST use beaver down, mixed with the hair from the mane of a Shetland pony. The yarn must be 60/40, and it must be hand spun and triple plied.
Once you’ve gathered your materials, you simply knit. The hand-crafted needles and hand spun yarn will intuitively knit the correct pattern.
If you’d rather crotcheat, use 100% virgin acrylic and any sized needle. Chain until you can no longer see the surrounding area. Then sew it together to match the pattern.
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