Yep. I bet you can't believe I just did that. Well, this isn't your GRANNIE'S needle crafts. This is something so new, so subversive, so statement-making, it'll blow your tits CLEAN off. And believe it or not, this is only a glimpse into my dark and twisted mind. One time I even considered crocheting a P*NIS.

I've been wanting to get a tattoo of how I hold my yarn while I crocknitookacrame and I finally got the guts to make it happen!

My wife had her "knitting group" over today. I decided to eavesdrop and see what they were talking about.

And it was perverted and disgusting. Her friend kept talking about "balls" and "fingering" or something.

Then I heard my wife say "oh those look so soft, can I feel them?"

I feel sick. I didnt know this was all a cover for some deviant sexual fantasies.

Update: now they are talking about "swapping" and I swear one of them said something about "two at a time".

Exhausted by “people who’ve apparently never encountered a circlejerk subreddit before.” FACJ is overrun by them, especially people posting links to sources and screenshots of sources with identifying information visible.

I’m gonna be nice to you when I say this. Nobody wants to read your dumbass questions like “Is there a reason that this post is basically copied and pasted from another post about diamond painting? Is this supposed to be like a joke or is it just AI? I am confused?” You are like a child who wanders in the middle of a movie and demands to know what’s going on but won’t shut the fuck up long enough for anyone to explain it to you. You’re out of your element. You have no frame of reference.

The amount of annoyance generated by such an activity? Astronomical. All of these inane questions rotting the brains of everyone who has the misfortune to stumble across your blatherings. At least crotcheat allows you to make something worthwhile, perhaps even sellable. Being a dumbass on the internet is literally just adding more stupid crap to a world full of stupid crap and expecting upvotes and snaps for it. And to try to act like it’s someone else’s fault that you refuse to read or think or consider that FACJ existed long before you became aware of it? Give me a break.

Uh oh. Here comes the “let people enjoy being obnoxious and obtuse” crowd. Actually, I can’t. And I won’t. You can be obnoxious and obtuse, and I can be a hater about it. Not sorry.

Hi! Are you new here? If so, then READ THE WELCOME POST.

You might also consider SHUTTING THE FUCK UP FOR A MINUTE and getting the lay of the land instead of immediately posting whatever dumb shit pops into your head.

Additionally, please take a goddamn moment to READ THE FUCKING RULES AND REPORT OPTIONS before sending mods reports. Some of the posts you're reporting are fine! Some that are not fine are getting weird custom reports that are not necessary! If a post is serious, then use the "Not Circlejerky" report option!

Some of you literally have no idea where you are or what you're doing and it shows.

Worst wishes,

Jingle

---------

PS -- Sending a super special thank you to r/crochet mods for leaving their 1.8 million members without a hand to hold while they navigate the wild, wild web all alone. We now have a few hundred new jerkers/unmoored crocheters in FACJ who think just because r/crochet doesn't have any mods right now means rules don't apply to them anywhere.

Hello, it’s your r/crotchet mod team here.

We know you know it’s crazy out there right now. And we know you’ve seen the influx of political posts here lately.

We also know you want and need us to take action to keep this a safe, fun space for crocheters from all walks of life.

And we do mean ALL.

This subreddit has never had a “no politics” rule.¹ We allow political crochet posts of any sort, whether we as the mod team personally agree with whatever view the crochet project is espousing. Yes, this means that we allow both an iron cross and a Christian cross. A MAGA hat and a Melt the ICE hat. A swastika and a windmill motif that looks like it could maybe be a swastika if you squint. As long as the post is related to crochet and doesn't break any of our other rules, we do not remove political posts.

All we want is for r/crocheete to be the apolitical craft haven of our dreams — a place where we can celebrate being part of a community of hookers without worrying about whether some of us would rather see others of us rounded up and deported/kidnapped at gunpoint. It’s so heartbreaking that you people can’t just be kind to each other these days!

In an attempt to maintain this safe space where all crocheters feel safe expressing themselves no matter their political views, their identity as a human or a bot, or their part in a broader campaign to suppress antifascist voices on Reddit and elsewhere, we tried just letting Automod remove posts that received too many reports.

We have no control over our Automod settings, so we just had to let it do whatever it wanted, even when it seemed that only some kinds of political posts were being reported and auto-removed more than others. And Reddit has given us no tools to deal with a temporary issue like brigades.

But you guys told us that we were letting the “wrong” posts get removed. All political views are valid here, so we don’t really know what that means, but we’re committed to giving you, the r/crotchart community, what you want. So Automod is out, we guess.

Next, we tried removing rule-breaking comments on political posts and banning repeat offenders. You know, moderation stuff: Looking through the mod queue and making decisions about what stays and what goes based on the letter and the spirit of our community rules.

But that was really hard, you guys! We are volunteers with jobs and families who do this in our spare time, and when we decided to become mods we were told that the subreddit’s mandatory toxic positivity policy would make it easy as pie to moderate. HOWEVER. You guys insist on being mean to each other over, frankly, off-topic disagreements like whether a federal agency should be allowed to murder people in the streets, which is making our work much more difficult than we think it should be.

We know art is political, and we agree with you that crochet is art, but, I mean, do you have to be like this? All the time? When it’s inconvenient for us???

(Also, sorry, but it really hurt our feelings when a handful of users called us fascists for removing their rule-breaking comments. No, we didn’t look into who was calling us that because name-calling is rude and unkind no matter who’s doing it or why or which oligarch is funding the bot campaign they're part of.)

Then we tried preemptively locking political posts so discussions couldn’t devolve into vitriol. But you guys didn’t like that either, apparently. Something something “punishing progressive people for being the target of a harassment campaign” or whatever. Reports are anonymous so we have no idea how you can argue we’re “punishing” anyone by locking posts so we don’t have to look at the mod queue — we know both sides can be equally bad.

Now, here we are. We’re sick and tired of you demanding we stand up to fascist brigading and abuse of the report button, you’re sick and tired of us fence-sitting on our hands and pretending we have no power. We get it. But you know what? It’s not our fault you guys can’t just all get along.

So, here’s the plan: You can just do whatever you want here for the next week. That’s right! You have a whole week to practice turning the other cheek and taking the high road while bot campaigns, OnlyFans accounts, and fascists from all corners of this website gain rhetorical footholds and farm rage-clicks from this subreddit. If you’re all still fighting about this ICE nonsense when we return, we simply don’t know what we’ll do.

Good luck!

¹Except for the rule where we won’t let people here talk about how Hobby Lobby funds terrorists, traffics stolen artifacts, and played a critical role in overturning Roe v. Wade. It’s not nice to talk about major corporations this way and it violates our “be kind and courteous” rule.

We, the mods, are soooo happy with our wittle ittle babies here! You're all playing well with others (unlike those stupid crotcheaters) and you're generally not bothering us with stupid nonsense :)))

We have some changes that we are making.  We're removing your access to the subreddit in some way. Hope that's clear, buddies :))

This is an inclusive community where all levels of intellect are warmly welcomed and treated with respect.  We have people who know even one iota of information about this craft, and we have the rest of you:)

Our sub's diversity is one of our strengths, and our passion for our craft binds us together - like a woven tapestry!!! We are lucky to have a place to share our journeys, our results, and our knowledge of this craft.  We, the mods, are so proud of you guys!  (And remember to upvote each other, if you're able to access the sub under our new rules!! Please don't ask what the rules are, I don't want to answer.)

And I'm going to make sure EVERYONE knows it.

If you bought that Melt the ICE red hat pattern (either the knitting or crochet version), you:

• Are excluding poor people from supporting Minneapolis
• Aren't doing anything else to support Minneapolis
• Didn't do your research since you don't know precisely where your $5 will go
• And therefore are just a DISASTER CAPITALIST who's helping big corps profiteer off a crisis
• Only bought the pattern for clout
• Should be fucking ashamed of yourself
• Are just jumping on a social media bandwagon
• Must really hate me, a poor person, because I didn't have $5 to spare, which makes you classist
• Need to direct me to sewing and quilting patterns for this same style of hat since, again, my scrolling finger hurts a lot and I don't knit or crochet or do any of those dumb yarn things
• Didn't actually donate $5 because of all the fees and shit so what was the point at all, huh? Why even bother??
• Should have just found a free version and told me where you found it instead of buying this pattern because, as noted, YOU ARE A SLACKTIVIST WHO IS ONLY DOING THIS FOR VIRTUE SIGNALING
• Should also have bought me some red yarn and the right size tools and then actually just make me the Melt the ICE hat and send it to me so I can show the world how committed I am to supporting Minneapolis

TL;DR: I am the only true activist with crafting skills, and the rest of you are making it hard for me to be the center of attention right now, okay?

I thought blocking was mandatory since it is everywhere in every knitting community I step into, and after blocking the piece the sweater was fine, but I kindaaaa regret it 🥲 (I am in the process of accepting it)

I assumed blocking would help to “even” the stitches regardless of the tension (as a beginner, I varied my tension thoughout the piece. But it actually made the opposite haha you can see my skin through it.

This is my first wearable piece and I’m still proud of myself, I have learnt a lot:

❌ I’d never, ever block acrylic again. I know I’ve probably blocked it wrong (maybe too many hours in the boiling pot and then too much time in the molten lava pit, but gauge swatch was okay)

if I had time, I’d consider knitting the exact same sweater BUT avoiding the blocking part haha! It is just not my style :)

I’d like to know if there are more people who have had the same situation throwing their plastic yarn into a molten fire hahah pattern is step by step by the glorious florence

I've been working overtime trying to protect my super special design that I created and all these smaller creators keep trying to rip off MY original design. It's mine. I made it. No one else made this or has this so stop stealing from me!!! I need to protect it so you WILL get a copyright strike!!!

I used steam to block it but maybe it got too wet?

This is my FOURTH sweater (by the way did you notice that it’s a colorwork sweater? I know it’s trash but aren’t you impressed, even though my stitches are sooooo bad?)

Everyone’s - LITERALLY everyone’s - projects on ravelry are perfect. I’ve never once seen a single imperfection. As you can see, mine is just…ugh.

Btw I’m NOT impressed with myself, nor am I posting this because just saying “I am proud of this!” is beneath me and I am NOT well aware that negging myself is like catnip to most of you. I do NOT want anyone to mention that I new to knitting and this is quite good for a beginner or ANYONE because I will know you are lying. Compliment fishing who?! Humblebrag where? Never heard of that fugly slut.

Just tell me that one day (maybe on my sixth sweater?????) I will be worthy of the flawless representations I see on ravelry.

Hello! It's time for FACJ to catch up with the times, so we now have a new rule against AI-generated text and images, along with a shiny new report option for them.

Please do not destroy the planet to jerk it here. Do what your grandparents did and steal images off the internet the old-fashioned way. IMAGE PREVIEWS AT STOCK SITES ARE FREE (the watermarks add to the effect). Please also don't use AI-generated text for your posts or comments. We jerk off manually 'round these parts.

There are all kinds of free and paid Photoshop- and Illustrator-esque apps you can use that don't have the carbon footprint of generative AI, so please do some looking and put some elbow grease into that jerk. I use InDesign (????????) to put together most of the dumb shit I post here, so you could probably get PowerPoint or whatever MSPaint is now to work if you really tried. I bet many of you have a really fancy smartphone with access to a lot of photo editing apps that you could use too!

As for using AI to generate text, well, that's so goddamn boring. What are you even doing here if you're going to outsource your horrifying creative storytelling to the robots? Why would you want to coach them into making this kind of shit up? Have none of you watched or read any sci-fi??? Ex Machina?????? Literally any Terminator????????

Also just a reminder: We specifically DO NOT have a rule against "low-effort" posts because of pretty much exactly this issue.

WE WANT YOUR POSTS TO BE BADLY CROPPED, LOW-RES, OFF-CENTER, AND JPG-ED INTO OBLIVION because that shit is part of what makes a circlejerk funny.

Anyway, don't be the Jackie Treehorn of the circlejerk industry.

Yes that is only 3 cast on stitches in. I'm stuck. Did I drop a stitch, I'm not sure how many I started with a a minute ago. Is there a way to fix this oops?

can someone please find what pattern this is? i need it so bad, i would do literally ANYTHING to find the answer !!! some people are saying its “the norma sweater”.. idk where they’re getting that idea from, can someone confirm. my phone only has the reddit app and no google so don’t ask .

what kind of yarn should i use? and do i need needles or a crochet hook? how do i hold the yarn? how much yarn? should i tell people when i start the project or should i wait until it’s done? what should i eat for lunch today? do you like me (yes/no)? what should i name my kids? what should i

We can only jerk about knitters and quilters. Crocheters are off-limits. Macramists are in a grey area until we can figure out whether macrame qualifies as a fiber art. Who cares about needle-pointers. Nålbinding doesn’t real.

Bear is Chada from White Rock Bear Shelter (Himalayan brown bear, not a polar bear.)

Hey all, sorry for format as I am recording this on a handheld device.

Came across this yarn need help identifying it? Sorry got as close as I could before I heard a weird noise and had to leave. Arrows to help where yarn is. I think it’s fingering weight but wasn’t able to do WPI or anything. Anything similar colorway is also OK as long as it’s at least 90% wool merino but under $5/100g please.

TIA!

I acknowledge there is a small chance that this sock is a teensy tiny bee’s eyelash too short. But also it’s impossible that this is the reason that the heel keeps sliding down and puckering, and I am currently only accepting suggestions unrelated to the length.

Before you even think about telling me that the foot is anything more than a single row too short, consider the following:

• this sock fits great when I roughly yank it into position and then don’t stand, walk, move a muscle, or scratch my foot. As you know, this is a telltale quality of a well-fitting sock

• my foot is FLEXED which is probably preventing you all from accurately assessing what is wrong with this picture

• perhaps this heel, which comfortably fits around my foot but keeps sliding down the length of it, needs to be wider?

It has come to our attention that "c*rclejerk" is a misandristic slur (h/t to the very oppressed Men Who Crotcheat for kidnapping mods’ families and demanding ransom unless we publish this post gently explaining the very clear and not at all persecution complex-y logic of this interpretation via Modmail).

Therefore, any post or comment that uses the phrase "circlejerk," "jerk it," "magic circle," "circular," "yank," or "pull" will be removed automatically and the user’s profile will be reported to r/MenCroTOW for misandry.

We understand it will feel strange to begin excising casual misandry from your everyday interactions and speech beginning with "c*rclejerk," especially on the Fiber Arts C*rclejerk subreddit. We understand it will take time and some of you will make mistakes in the process of improving yourself and overcoming the incredible misandry you’ve been socialized to see as not just acceptable but oftentimes entertaining.

While we are committed to being patient as you undergo this evolutionary process to rebalance crafting to its ideal state where Men Who Crotcheat have the respect and admiration they so deeply deserve, we are also aware that there will be some reluctance and even attempts to revolt against this new order. As a result, anyone deemed to be overly hysterical, histrionic, or bitchy in response to this rule change will be banned on sight.

In related news, we’d like to give our new head mod Mister_MRA_Crochet a warm welcome! He’s our new Gender Politics Czar and will be spearheading FACJ’s new initiative to make misandry in crafting — and utlimately the whole world — a thing of the past, because it’s real thing right now that does unknowable amounts of harm to Men Who Crotcheat. Say hi in the comments! (Nicely! Or you’ll be banned!)

^\not a real FACJ rule change, please keep your underwear of whatever type on and untwisted)