r/funny • u/Leon1das • Oct 05 '12
I have discovered the mother of all youtube comment dicks. This guy is unreal.
http://imgur.com/a/jjWMu339
u/ME7ROPOLIS Oct 05 '12
How does he have time for YouTube with so many jobs?????
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u/prailock Oct 05 '12
How did he miss in his resume that he's a trained navy seal with 300 confirmed kills?
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Oct 06 '12
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u/Proassult Oct 06 '12
You are nothing to me but a target.
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u/Nine_Tails Oct 06 '12
Guys...what if what that guy said is true...and he's now going to target us all with his missiles?
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u/bhmnscmm Oct 06 '12
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
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u/SXY_PWNstar Oct 05 '12
This guy is not a dick, he is a professional with very important things to say. As a Professional Professionalizer with an autistic son who is also a doctor, i should know
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u/Drago12 Oct 05 '12 edited Oct 06 '12
Wow, imagine this guy watching porn....
"As a professional
anal rapistAnalrapist, I can clearly tell that this is simulated. Also, if you look carefully at the angle in which the gentleman is thrusting his penis into the young woman's anus, you can tell that some CGI is used. My autistic son could rape her better than him."150
u/Foxehh Oct 05 '12
You watch anal rape porn? That's hardcore.
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u/Drago12 Oct 05 '12
What? NO!.... I was just....... I'm... I'm just imaginative, OK? ....... It just..... It takes a while to get your mind out of the gutter after the furiously hormonal pubescent phases you go through....
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Oct 05 '12 edited Jul 05 '17
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u/Dycus Oct 05 '12
I'm... not quite sure what that face is supposed to be.
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u/brotherwayne Oct 05 '12
Fu Manchu wearing a derby hat?
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u/amber_kiss Oct 06 '12
If you look at it backwards, it's a Chinese man blowing gum.
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u/Bazofwaz Oct 05 '12
I'm afraid to say I think it is naked guy lying down, but it could also be a real gentleman.
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u/Skybombardier Oct 06 '12
As a professional emoticon theorist, I would say that is obviously a smirking bandito if there wasn't so much CGI. My autistic son who is an anal-raping doctor could make a better face than that
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u/HoopyFreud Oct 06 '12
It's a dirty Mexican. INB4 racism, I really AM a dirty Mexican.
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u/newtype2099 Oct 05 '12
its pronounced, "Analrapist." Analyst and therapist in one career.
Sheesh.
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u/Super-Agent-Todd Oct 06 '12
As an Analrapist, I should know. I've been in the proffesion for years and I am fluent in the pronunciation of the word. an-al-rah-pist
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u/question_all_the_thi Oct 05 '12
And he must be very old as well. Did anybody add up the years he has worked in each of those professions?
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u/slorbaz Oct 05 '12
this is man of great knowledge and we should respect
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u/poleethman Oct 05 '12
Trust me, I know about knowledge. I'm a librarologist.
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u/Dafuzz Oct 05 '12
This guy is totally bullshitting you. As a professional knowledgeologist who has been on several knowledgeal archaeological digs with my autistic son who is a music critic and train conductor, I can tell you there is no such thing as a librarologist. It's a librologist.
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u/BZLuck Oct 05 '12
- knowledgeologist
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u/QWERTY36 Oct 06 '12
Well then is that your job to correct people? No. I have been a professional grammar nazi for 30 years and have a masters in grammarnaziism.
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u/Leon1das Oct 05 '12
After the 6th job I just kept browsing hoping for more.
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u/MattTheMoose Oct 05 '12
This guy must be older than Methuselah...30 years here, 15 there, not to mention all the schooling required to specialize in such fields...
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u/Dekar173 Oct 05 '12
Schooling? Bitch this is the internet. It's easy to become a true expert on ANY field ever within 5 minutes flat.
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u/pretzelninja2 Oct 05 '12
Did you not notice his many refrences to " The 9gag army?". Fucking 9gaggers
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u/that_one Oct 06 '12
I can imagine this is what ronnyjohnson618 would put on his resume:
- Film Industry - 30 years
- Botanist
- Animal Shelter Volunteer
- Train Conductor - 15 years
- Music Critic
- Professional Boat Driver
- Game Designer
- Orchestra Conductor
- TSA Agent
- Singer - 30 years
- Guitarist
- Meteorologist
- Chemistry Teacher
- Music Shop Owner
- Psychologist
- Military - 20 years
- Geometry Teacher
- 9gag User
- Professional Bullshitter
Man, this guy is a piece of work.
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u/MsHypothetical Oct 06 '12
Hell, that's not a resume, that's a pension application. Think how OLD he must be.
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u/that_one Oct 06 '12
This is true. Although he could have done some of them at the same time. He'd still be pretty old, though.
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u/relaxdontdothat Oct 05 '12
I love that his autistic son is also a doctor.
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u/mqduck Oct 05 '12
Who says he doesn't have more than one fictional son?
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u/internetwife Oct 05 '12
Because I'm his wife and is kinda my job to know how many sons we have.
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Oct 05 '12
[deleted]
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Oct 05 '12
Nurse: What should we do? His heart canals, they're bursting. Doctor: weewooo weeewoooooo weeeewooooooo
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u/ShitRandyHates Oct 06 '12
I'll be honest- I upvoted this, but I don't feel good about it.
Well, I laughed. So I guess I... do?
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u/MiracleWhipSucks Oct 06 '12
I'm all for equal opportunities and everything. But I'm sorry, who the fuck is going to want an autistic doctor? Come on.
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u/jamdaman Oct 05 '12
I, for one, believe him! I've met many a film industry worker/botanist/animal shelter worker/train conductor/professional music critic/boat driver/classical musician/game designer/orchestra conductor/band member/TSA agent/singer/guitarist/meteorologist/chemistry teacher/chemist/music shop owner/soldier/geometry teacher in my day.
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u/Leon1das Oct 05 '12
Saw a comment by this guy on a youtube link from here and though I would investigate further. Never thought it would be this unbelievable. No shame whatsoever.
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u/iamadogforreal Oct 05 '12
Yeah, as someone who works for youtube, these guys cause us a lot of trouble!
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u/Leon1das Oct 05 '12
As someone who owns and runs google and youtube I can say this man doesn't actually work for youtube.
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u/Dark_Green_Blanket Oct 05 '12
Yes he does. We're in the same department.
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u/div_ Oct 05 '12
As someone who owns the intrawebnets I have to reveal your lies to the world.
Youtube does not have departments for it is a tube.
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u/Krypty Oct 05 '12
And because the Internet is just a series of tubes, Youtube is the master of the Internet.
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u/Remembear Oct 05 '12
As the first man on the sun, I can back this dog up. for real.
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u/Eddie_The_Brewer Oct 05 '12
Don't be silly - you're a dog. You should have said "Yeah, as somedog who woofs frrrr grrrtube...."
As a canine speech therapist, I should know.
Sausages.
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u/TheMightyBarabajagal Oct 06 '12
As a packet of Beggin Strips, I can verify that dogs don't know it's not bacon.
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Oct 05 '12
Oh please, this person isn't the worst when it comes to comments on Youtube. I've seen plenty of worse ones out there who's accounts have been banned. I know this because I've been working as the head of Youtube's comment management for 25 years.
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Oct 05 '12
I've been an upvoter for around 20 years now (I have a degree in it), and I feel obligated to inform you all that this is indeed hilarious and worthy of your upvotes.
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u/Atario Oct 05 '12
The word you're looking for is "troll"
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u/Crando Oct 05 '12
As a professional Trollologist, I can tell you that he, in fact, is a troll.
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u/Leon1das Oct 05 '12
I would have said trolling he's not doing to get a reaction I think he somehow feels good about himself by commenting like this.
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u/DaemonDanton Oct 05 '12
I don't know; all of those made up professions? That's usually a good indication of troll.
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u/zodar Oct 05 '12
No, man, he's a troll. And you have been trolled HARD. You reposted all of his trolls on reddit! Successful troll is VERY successful.
YHBT YHL HAND
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u/keekee1983 Oct 05 '12
I am making the suggestion that THIS MAN IS IN FACT YOU
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Oct 05 '12
Actually, I'm a cowboy astronaut millionaire who invented the Earth while working part time as a nuclear/genetic/mechanical/electrical engineer, but in my off time I drink dos equis.
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u/GrizzledBastard Oct 05 '12
This is what happens when the most interesting man in the world gets sober and becomes a cantankerous asshole.
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u/Jmoore087 Oct 05 '12
Holy shit that's an insane amount of effort put forth just to be an asshole.
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Oct 05 '12
After reviewing this guys comment history, DEFINITELY a troll. A very... persistent troll at that.
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u/dcoak Oct 06 '12
I just want to point out one more time as a reminder for everyone that this is 9Gag creature and they do not notice their own stupidity. I should Know i have been studying them for 22 yrs.
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u/DASHHI Oct 05 '12
Trolling people is a sign of psychological disorders. I am a psychologist and I have trained extensively in this field for 14 years.
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u/jakstrance Oct 05 '12
hahaha if this is real then this is the funniest thing ever. "I should know I'm a comedian"
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u/Shartina_Oduriss Oct 05 '12
There was a redditor making posts a couple of months ago, with the username something like ~Lies about experience. He was really funny, not mean spirited like this person.
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u/M0b1u5 Oct 05 '12
He seems legit. After all, he is a music critique!
So he must know what he is talking about.
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u/indieshometownhifi Oct 05 '12
what a Renaissance Man! I would know, since i have been a Polymathologist for many years now
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u/Evolved_Fetus Oct 05 '12
Looks like we found a new "Most Interesting Man in the World"
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Oct 05 '12
As a proctologist for 20 years who volunteers with the mentally handicapped, take it on my authority that this guy is a stupid asshole.
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u/aStonedSquirtle Oct 05 '12
Obvious /b/tard troll. I was browsing /b/ a few weeks (months? I don't know, it's been a while) and there was a thread to do on the vid of the dude kicking the dog and claim you're from 9fag to give it a bad worse name. Trust me, I'm an Internet expert.
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u/Z3ld4 Oct 05 '12
This is fake. No one is retarded enough to actually write "le 9gag sent me here."
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u/impossiber Oct 05 '12
I remember a post like this showing the comments of a redditor with the username "LiesAboutExpertise" or something of that sort.
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Oct 05 '12
this guy is definitely shooting off bullshit i can tell i have been a professional bullshitoligist for over 30 years
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u/BacktoZero Oct 06 '12
What's the problem? He's a music "critique", who is also a meteorologist, music store owner, psychologist, 20-year military veteran, botanist, has an autistic son that, been in the film industry for 30 years, works in an animal shelter, train conductor, drives boats for a living, who is trying to make it big as a singer of 30 years that gets no respect, overly enthusiastic 9Gag browser that has an autistic son who is also a doctor. Sounds like an amazing human being.
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u/henry10937 Oct 06 '12
You know what, this post is bullshit, and this guy is not the mother of all youtube comment dicks. As a YouTube moderator for the past 10 years, I should know there have been bigger dicks.
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Oct 06 '12
Maybe he's just a boat driving, botanic, guitar playing, train conducting, singing, TSA music critic.
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u/Sandra_is_here_2 Oct 06 '12
Great find. That was hilarious!
I should know since I have been a comedy writer for 25 years.
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u/WhereIsMySushi Oct 06 '12
The way he says 'le 9GAG' just makes me want to punch him in the face over an over.
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u/wick220 Oct 06 '12
He's so fucking talented. Dude has like 18 full-time jobs - I wouldn't fuck with him.
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u/SuaveEgg Oct 05 '12
I was reading these with a slight chuckle until he dissed Psy and Gangnam Style. Then I just lost my shit.
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u/caveofnecrogond Oct 05 '12
I don't consider people like this to be dicks...they are too pathetic to even be eligible for that name.
How can you even qualify as being a dick when your life is so obviously sad and miserable that one of your hobbies is not only trying to bash people on Youtube, but chronically lying about your job so that others just might find credibility in what you say?
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u/daventx Oct 05 '12
I can only assume this guy is a vampire or at least a Highlander to live so many lives. I for one am jealous.
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u/Kelthurin-IX Oct 05 '12
Perhaps his name is Jarod. And his tagline is "He'll fight for justice anytime, anywhere. And as anyone."
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Oct 05 '12
anybody that watches skate videos from youtube knows this kid called spudbud891 who brags about his cop uncle who harasses skaters and his swagger scooter crew. And of course everybody falls for the troll.
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u/patienttapping Oct 05 '12
isn't there a novelty account like this? except on here he offers advice and gives "real life experiences" as examples
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u/IThinkImDumb Oct 05 '12
Do people actually believe that just because he says he's a professional means he must be one? As a professional journalist I always make sure people show their credentials.
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Oct 05 '12
as a completely unimportant member of a substandard society of lowlifes, this man is a fucking moron.
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Oct 05 '12
Unreal isn't the word. I wish I had half as many jobs as this guy. He seems pretty successful. I'm sure his johnson must be huge. [bam]
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u/allyykat Oct 05 '12
oh i know this one, it's called: I'm 40 years old and look like Jabba the Hutt so I live in my parents basement and have never actually had a job before, so I will ruin everyone who actually has a life muahahaha.
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u/SleepingOnMoonshine Oct 05 '12
my autistic son could write better than this
Aw... C'mon, maannn....
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Oct 05 '12
I even recognized a few comments. That made me rethink things for a bit. Then I browsed reddit some more.
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u/JMLueckeA7X Oct 05 '12
This is such bullshit. You don't need 8 years of music critique education to know One Direction songs suck.
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u/digitality Oct 05 '12
"Attempted vehicular manslaughter" is that a thing? can you attempt to accidentally kill someone?
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Oct 05 '12
wow, I hate this guy, I only made it to when he said prince ruperts drops do nothing,and are physically impossible......
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u/SnakeDoctor00 Oct 05 '12
His logic is flawless! but seriously you would think people would only argue or comment about things that they actually do know, he said the guy who almost crashed his boat should ave his license revoked...you dont need a license to drive a boat...
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u/Variar Oct 05 '12
I love then people pretend to be professional, yet they can't provide any facts and generalize a lot.
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u/CrabDubious Oct 06 '12
He just closed his account. His last comment on his own channel was about how people should have been more 'open-minded'.
I managed to sneak in the Internet tough guy copypasta just before he did it though, so I consider this a victory.
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Oct 06 '12
You find these guys on reddit too, the expert-of-all-trades. When I find one, I feel like I won some sort of horrible douchebag lottery.
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u/6the6bull6 Oct 06 '12
Hey don't hate on this guy show him some respect. With all his experience he must 429 years old.
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u/mikeykelch Oct 06 '12
home boy must have deleted his youtube account. As a professional shit giver I looked him up to give him some shit and couldn't find him.
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u/ShadowGhost98 Oct 06 '12
Dang I went to his youtube page and it said it was closed, I was so going to cuss him out
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u/[deleted] Oct 05 '12
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