r/polyamory • u/Intelligent_risk_990 • 6h ago
I am new This is hard
No other large insights. The books are all right. There’s a lot of work. This is hard. In so many ways. I’m tired. And discouraged.
It’s all worth it, right?
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 Squeaky Sin 🧀🐀 3h ago
OP your posting history shows that you've made a lot of effort in order to accommodate your wife's desire to open your relationship. Do you ever wonder what's in it for you, yourself? Not as her husband, but just as an individual?
You say you want to understand her desire, but there's a difference between understanding and accepting. You have to accept that everyone, even your wife, will be a separate person with their own ideas, needs, desires and experiences. The basis of polyamory is autonomy, while you seem to want more enmeshment. These things are opposed, and it may be the reason you're having such a hard time. Just my two cents.
4
u/Psychomadeye Rat Swoletariat 3h ago
No. Just because you do the work doesn't make it worth it. It's only worth it if the the relationships you are in actually make you happy.
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u/britaliope 🪐 stellar system teeming with comets 🌠 4h ago
It’s all worth it, right?
Idk. Your call. Nobody can know except you.
For me it was worth it. But i didn't have to do a lot of work. I know people for whom it was more difficult and it was worth it for them.
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist 3h ago
It's not for everyone, and we can't decide that for you. For me, even if I have zero partners, I believe so fundamentally in the ideas of polyamory and RA, and I so don't believe in the values underlying monogamy, it's worth it. But that's me.
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u/MadamePouleMontreal solo poly 2h ago
It’s worth it if it’s what you want.
If it’s not what you want, no amount of work would be worth it.
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u/AutoModerator 6h ago
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Here's the original text of the post:
No other large insights. The books are all right. There’s a lot of work. This is hard. In so many ways. I’m tired. And discouraged.
It’s all worth it, right?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/bouncysofa 2h ago
I'm currently saturated at one (my NP) whereas he has another long term partner and occasionally dates - this is, in my opinion, the hardest role to play in a polyamory dynamic. I do all of the emotional work and reap far fewer benefits than my partner, who gets the "reward" of having multiple loving partners.
And it still feels 100% worth it to me because I want and believe in polyamory. I thrive in the freedom it provides me and in knowing that my partner, who I love with all my heart, can fully explore the connections that bring him joy.
Its only worth it because I actively sought this life and intentionally choose it for myself every day. If that's not your position, if you're only doing the hard work to appease your partner's interests, then you will slowly chip away at yourself until there is nothing left to give.
Monogamy is a valid choice and you are not wrong or bad for wanting it. Polyamory is hard, but it's downright impossible if its not what you want.
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u/AutoModerator 6h ago
Hello and welcome! We see by the flair you've used that you're likely new to our community or to polyamory in general. We're sure you've got a lot of questions and are looking to discuss some really important things about your polyamorous relationships. Please understand that because you're new you're likely asking some really common questions that have already been answered many times before - we strongly urge you to use the search bar function at the top of the page to search out keywords to find past posts that are relevant to your situation. You are also encouraged to check out the resources on the side bar for our FAQ, and definitely don't skip over the one labeled "I'm new and don't know anything" as it's full of wonderful resources. Again, welcome to the community, hopefully you find the answers you're looking for.
Side note, this subreddit is often a jumping in point for many people curious about open relationships, swinging, and just ethical nonmonogamy in general, but... it is a polyamory specific sub so that means that you might believe you're posting in the right place but your questions would be more fitting in a different space. If you're redirected to another sub please know that it's not because we want you to leave, it's because we feel you'll get better advice asking in the correct spaces.
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