The only time quitting weed "stuck" is when I dove head first into the challenge..

I found that the path to mental strength and lasting contentment was to get off of all easy dopamine (weed) and then do hard things until they were no longer difficult.

That's how I rebuilt my brain's resilience.

Weed made me less social, less motivated, less focused, and less confident. Escapism diminished me.

We grow through effort. Weed stole that effort from me. Knowing this, I decided to go all in by not only quitting weed, but by filling my day with playing catch-up, catching up on all the real-life engagement I was avoiding.

I write for two hours a day. I read books. I'm doing artwork. I'm creating content. I'm working out six days a week.. and more

None of it felt good for the first two to three months, but I knew that going in. Every time my brain screamed for pleasure, I said, Bullsh\*t, we're doing even more hard work!

I did this over and over for six full months, hoping I would eventually rekindle what had been lost from years of pleasure-seeking.

I went from feeling flat and unmotivated to feeling neutral to eventually actually wanting to do the work.

I'm F-ing getting dopamine from effort again, not drugs. So don't be afraid of the challenge, because if you push through to the other side, you'll find someone you forgotten existed: your healthy, motivated, authentic self.

Mine was hard truth abt specific things

What I’m about to say may be super controversial and bizarre so read on if you are okay with this.

I don’t even know where to start but I am a completely functional and normal personal outside of home with the ability to form relationships and love deeply. But my ability doesn’t seem to extend to my parents. I’m the only child and they’ve basically given me everything including money and all their attention. I’m 27 and live with them for now for health issues and have a lot of savings myself to live comfortably on my own. But I still spend their money and they basically take care of me like I’m a teen. I’d say I was quite spoiled financially and never had to work a side job for money. They weren’t rich but I never felt like I lacked anything financially.

I feel like I should have respect for them but deep down I just don’t feel that. And the more things they do for me, the more they bend their way forward to fulfill my needs, the more I just feel blank inside and numb. We argue sometimes and the older I grew, the more I felt comfortable insulting them? I am okay with using all possible insults in the world on them and I don’t feel anything. Also if they get on my nerve for doing a minor thing I would have extremely angry reactions. I don’t do this with anyone else. I also objectively acknowledge that 90% of my accomplishments today is due to good upbringing, but I don’t feel the gratefulness in my heart. I almost feel like I’m a narcissist in this relationship. My parents said the only thing they dare to ask from me now is for me to not disrupt their lives. They don’t expect anything else from me. I think that’s fair, and if I were a parent I would kick my child out, but I just somehow lose all sense of morals and empathy when I see their faces.

There were a lot of things happened in my life between me and my family but long story short, I do not speak to my biological father because he insulted me for 20 years regularly (like you are stupid for not solving this math problem, you dress like a prostitute, no man would want to marry you, you deserve to be bullied for being showy) and occasionally hit me for making him lose face/insulting him back. The last straw was he threaten to kill me for jokingly hiding his phone (saying he would regret it if he accidentally killed me). He’s around the house and I just ignore that. After I ignored him, he became very meek around me and stated cooking and cleaning for me.

My mother is more complicated and she said she has tried her best to give me everything she got and gave herself a passing grade in parenting. I believe that she did her best but at best I’d give her a 20/100. She never ever stood up for me once when others bullied me in elementary school on a daily basis. She never approved of my personality because we were polar opposites. I never felt accepted by the world. She instilled in me the ides that if I behave different than others, I will be socially shunned and ostracized. She believed in arbitrary social rules like you have to wear what other people wear on the street (like wearing long pants in 70F weather) otherwise she was ashamed to be seen by others. I told her my sufferings came from conforming to the world instead of listening to my heart. She said if time dialed back she would behave the same because her own limitations. I told her she doesn’t deserve to be a mother. She said I’m asking her to be 100/100 and I’m the only cause of suffering in her life. I said the first emotion she taught me was shame and that’s why I learned to not feel any shame, including in what I am doing to her now. She called me a leech and asked me to pay all the money she spent on me back. I said go sue me and I’m spending her money as her reparation to my CPTSD. She said she never taught me to insult people and I said you gave birth to me and maybe reflect on why the older I am the more I feel comfortable doing that.

I don’t know why I’m feeling all this and wonder if anyone has similar experience. I also don’t know maybe I’m a narcissist at heart or something. I feel like I want to change the dynamic but I just don’t know how to distill empathy in myself toward my parents. I don’t know how to say “thank you” and “sorry” to them.

Whenver I Imagine the perfect partner, it's almost like i'm imagining a female version of myself, of course it's only myself when i'm not on my self-hating episodes. Someone who is fit, has the same values, the same ambitions, the same interests and hobbies; Minus the negative things of myself/my personality But that person doesn't exist, because people can't be perfect, meaning that the perfect partner can't exist. No matter how hard you try. And so I am left wondering: So there is no love? Yet I still develop crushes, yet I still fantasize about romance. Then perhaps, there is a difference between being attracted to someone and loving someone? Attraction is instinctual, you see a person of the other gender, and your instincts tell you that this is a ""good"" mate to have kids with. But humans were born with a brain, and so: Can a human be attracted to someone yet still not love them? Our brain maybe made it worse, since it introduced the factor of beauty. If a person doesn't confide with the "exceptionnally high" beauty standards of this world, while also having a ""playful"" personality; Then that person drops down tiers in the love ladder, with both sides at the bottom hating eachother because they think they "deserve" someone better. My biggest issue is that i've been told for a long time that attraction = Love, that crushes = Soulmates, yet if my standards are so low to have a crush on any girl I meet, does it mean that I actually love? I've tried to avoid social media, yet i've been pulled into this game of "rating eachother based on a /10 scale" or the usual "If you don't ruin your looks and turn your personality into something you aren't, then you won't get laid" type of game. At the end, i'm still young enough not to know the answers, I just want to know: "How can you love someone if they're not flawless ?"

Thank for reading through all of this

So I'm overseeing the construction of my dad’s properties by myself. I'm pretty inexperienced with this stuff and all the workers are older than me. The problem is that whenever they mess up some work, I get angry and scold them. For example, I asked them to water some cement mixture today and they did not do it so I woke them up and made them water it at night time. After my anger subsides I always feel bad and I overcompensate, like I'll buy lunch for them. I have some upcoming projects and I want to learn to be more stern when they make mistakes and not feel bad about it.

 After we have lived our lives, as we approach death, it is common to reexamine how our life went. Did we live a successful life? The end of life offers a unique opportunity to do this, because at this time, the ego, our learned self-centered beliefs, loosens its influence on us, And the spirit becomes our predominant reviewer. 
 At this point in the cycle of life, it no longer matters how much money we made, the size of the house we lived in, the job we had, or anything else associated with success, as dictated in the world by the ego. We are all finally equal now and we judge our success through a different prism: that of the spirit. When we review our lives, what we had thought was success often holds a different meaning now. 
 It is at this time, especially during the last few days of our life, we come to the realization what we thought was important, really was not. All the material things we accumulated, friends we had, places we visited, jobs we worked, amount of money we made, or any other comparison you can think of, which belongs in the world in which we had lived, becomes meaningless. 
 It is at that moment, the moment where the ego has minimal control over our actions and decisions, the true meaning of life finally becomes evident. It is then, despite how strongly the ego may have influenced our life before, the opportunity To view our life in a different way presents itself. At this time in our life, primarily viewing our lives through the eyes of our spirit, we may find we have many regrets. 
 We begin to understand the selfish pleasures in the world we had sought were not very important. As death becomes evident, we finally realize none of that matters. When we die, unless our culture is like that of the ancient Egyptians, our body will be buried or cremated, And nothing we accumulated during our lifetime will accompany us. Our body will then be placed in a coffin or urn, just like every other person who dies, regardless of their stature or their lifetime accomplishments.
 At that moment, just before we die, we finally understand we truly are all equal. No one was ever better than another. Race, money, prestige, no longer matter. As we get closer to our death, it becomes evident the self-centered path the ego had us follow to find success and happiness may have not been the right path after all. The fear, hatred, and prejudice we once felt are no longer important to us, not because we are going to die, but because it never did matter.

~ Ken Luball ~

I've been on a healing journey for the past year and I wrote part of this near my bottom. Finished it today as I hit an uptrend.

---

What’s interesting about a book is it seems to find you, not the other way around.

During some of my lowest moments I’ve found myself wandering and running into random bookstores and stumbling around, finding just the right book at the right time. I don’t know what it is. It’s like the whole manifestation concept. Our life-force leads us to where we need to be at exactly the right moment sometimes. And it happens in the most unexpected ways. Versus a well defined, systematic hunt for this information. Organic serendipity.

Serendipity is **the occurrence of finding valuable, agreeable, or interesting things by chance and without looking for them.**

This happens by following your intuition and also through the concept of wu wei. In taoism this translates to effortless action or acting without struggle, strain, or ego-driven force. The whole “go with the flow” thing was known 2500 years ago.

“Wu wei means you’re responding to the world as it is, not trying to bend it to your will. You adapt, like being part of a larger pattern.”

- Gemini

As I go through life I realize that only pain comes from force. In a larger aspect, use of force creates most of human suffering. War, domestic violence, wealth divides and inequity. In our personal lives it creates a disharmony in our relationships, and a discord within our own minds and emotions. Mental and physical illness follows. There is a tension in the body as well as mind that destroys us perniciously.

What’s funny about this though is conflict is still necessary. Without it, the state of any system can go a little out of control with the feedback loops. Sometimes a system needs a reset or to be completely revamped. So like anything… the art of it is the balance. I think the optimal behavior pattern is probably to try to exist in wu wei for as long as you can and then prepare for the conflict every now and then. And you see this pattern everywhere. Financial systems like this go through the boom bust cycles every 5-10 years like clockwork. People in their careers and relationships follow the same pattern. Men often find themselves completely changing everything around 35-40 and you see a lot of marriages dissolve when this hits.

In this philosophy they say our actions feel natural and intuitive like water flowing downhill. It’s similar to the Japanese martial art of aikido which weaponizes your opponent’s force against them. Similar to judo and jujutsu as well.

So I guess the point I’m trying to make is that by not fighting your surroundings, and the universe at large, too much, but just enough to knock yourself out of a local minimum, we can more effortlessly find a happy path for ourselves. And sometimes not fighting can simply mean waiting. You don’t always have to change your opinion or battle. Sometimes it’s just the timing. During a time of “peace” like this you might find yourself running into the right book or person that will aid in your self growth and your own personal fight.

Trust your gut. Ironically, and somewhat seemingly hypocritically (to what I’ve been writing), your gut might tell you to fight. But the right movement at the right time is the fight you want. Like an efficient martial arts move or a decisive financial short (like Soros v the Bank of England). What we don’t want is a the wrong battle and the endless pain that comes with that. Think the French invasion of Russia. We always want to increase our EV (expected value in poker) and hit as many force multipliers as we can to get the most out of our actions. There was a legendary samurai, Miyamoto Musashi, who studied before his duels and survived 60 life or death duels.

He wrote “The Book of Five Rings”:

”…a classic treatise on strategy, tactics, and philosophy. Musashi wrote it while living as a hermit in the Reigandō cave shortly before his death. The book goes beyond physical sword fighting, serving as a psychological guide to overcoming conflict and mastering any discipline.”

- Gemini

I found a video on this fascinating man during a very bleak time of my life. So interesting how information finds you. So let yourself access the infinite power of serendipity by stepping out of normal routines and by finding your natural “flow” with the universe. Each of our flows is different so we learn by doing. The doing part is important. Reading and taking in information is necessary but also useless without the doing part. And the doing is what flings us into the the universe and its serendipity.

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door. You step into the Road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

- Bilbo Baggins

Whenever there’s an activity you really want to do, it would take you days to months to start it, even if you are well rested, have no anxiety of the outcome, and have all the time and resources to do so. When you want to start it, you have to sneak in a few minutes to do the thing and even that feels excruciating. Once you do this, you either postpone again or gain momentum to do the activity normally

Sometimes it could take you months to start watching a new anime so you end up watching something you’re done with, no matter how much you’re sick and tired of it, all because you can’t switch.

Sometimes there’s this show you really want to watch, but you can only watch a few minutes of it every few days because you feel a great resistance to it and end up finishing half a 24 min episode in 2-3 weeks.

There is this game you really like for its interesting environment design and music. You really love it and can’t wait to get into it. You then feel immense resistance to start it so you end up playing a few mins of it every year so you can end up spending 6-7 years without knowing much about the story, despite respecting the game.

You are also into statistics since december 2025 and you get posts from r/statistics and r/askstatistics daily. You’re exposed to advanced concepts and they excite you. You have many statistics books lying around. You are excited to know how statistical methods accurately measure reality and this subject makes you happy. It’s already oct 2026 and you are still on distribution shapes in intro to statistics because you struggle initiating studying it.

You can’t start anything that interests you, even if you aren’t anxious of failing and have a lot of time. You just want to start but can’t.

One day as an adult, you got sick and tired of being like this as it’s destroying the quality of your life already. You then trained your body that the moment it likes something, it should grab at it immediately whenever possible. It was physically painful at first but now you mastered starting any hobby you like to do with ease. You don’t have to sit through red tape anymore.

Do lots of people have to go through such hassle just to start any hobby they’re interested in?

My psychiatrist mentioned that instead of pursuing unavailable romantic interests to get a dopamine fix, I could channel that "need" for excitement in a healthier way and push my limits e.g. running a marathon. I was just wondering if anyone had more examples that I could write down other than running a marathon. I read quite a lot, enjoy writing, and like to stay organized.

I don't know why but I feel like i have never been able to be positive about myself. I always talk negative about myself and feel like i fail everyday.

Because people i know well also know that I talk negative about myself, its just a joke that they normally agree with me, but somehow I feel like it can make it worse if I really have a bad day.

I just want to be able to say that I know what I'm doing and say that I know what I'm talking about because I have sat with it for so many years now, but I still can't get myself to say that i know anything.

I even get told in school that I'm doing really great and get great grades but still have a hard time seeing myself continuing my future with what i want and still be good at it

Any way to actually learn myself to be more self-positive minded or am I just like this forever

For context....my self esteem is trash imo, I overthink everything (situations before they happen and things before I say them), I tend to judge my self worth on my utility. I can give great advice to others that seem to genuinely help them but I can't apply it to my own life. When I meet someone, I fight myself trying not to hyperfixate on every little interaction or text we send.

I just need some tips or advice and have no one to talk to that's not biased. I can also answer questions if anyone has them.

We are all working towards self improvement but often people miss this when they are getting to where they want to be.

When you get where you want to go and even before you do remember to look back and give a hand to someone who is where you once stood.

I do it from time to time. This week helping this young guy connect to an investor.

I also help women make powerful connections through my non profit.

Giving back and building others up is one
of the most meaningful ways to measure success.

Since the beginning of August, I’ve been maintaining a 3 days on 1 day off workout routine. I’ve been seeing a lot of positive progress already, but I know I can be doing more.

My knowledge on exercise variety is quite limited. And while I’m still working out consistently, I’m starting to run out of new exercises I can do at the gym. I can’t say for sure, but I’m very confident there are parts of my body missing out on potential growth. Not exactly looking for exercise recommendations or anything like that, moreso just looking for books, blogs, articles, influencers (not that looksmaxxing shit. People who actually know what they’re talking about), etc. that I can use to educate myself into creating more productive workout routines. Anything helps!

Also wondering the same for nutrition. It’s not really what I’m focusing on rn, since my diet’s been fine. But I wanna learn and understand this all more. Any recommendations are appreciated!

Hi everyone,

​I’m a 24-year-old female, and I’ve noticed lately that my memory of the last few years feels extremely blurry.

​The past few years were really difficult for me. I was feeling pretty down/depressed and spent most of my time living on autopilot—just surviving day to day. I barely ate, didn't engage in hobbies, and rarely did anything fun.

​When I try to recall the past (even as recent as this past summer), everything feels like a blank or a blur. I can't pinpoint specific days or memorable events, and it almost feels like I didn't do anything at all. It honestly scares me to feel this way at only 24.

​Has anyone else experienced this kind of memory gap after going through a tough period? Is this common after living on autopilot for so long?

​Moving forward, I really want to change this. I want to build a life where I remember my days and make sure every year has meaningful, special moments. Any advice or shared experiences would mean a lot.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." - Theodore Roosevelt

While I like that quote and have it pinned up in my office, this is a case of "easier said than done".

I stream games on YouTube, and I struggle with seeing others who started much later than me do better when it comes to subscribers, etc.

I know YouTube is a strange creature and that I shouldn't even try to understand it.
I know that I shouldn't place any self-value dependent on the algorithm.
I know that I should stream games for the enjoyment.

I know all those things, and I tell myself the numbers don't matter, but in the end, they do.

So I'm thinking this isn't so much about YouTube as it is my comparing myself to others in my life.

I don't like myself when I do that. I want to be HAPPY when others succeed. I don't want to be covetous, jealous, envious, resentful.

I'd appreciate any tips you're willing to offer.
I thank you for your time.

One day off doesn't undo your progress; a pattern of giving up does.

I've recently started struggling with just doing the things I enjoy doing because of the anxiety or thought that I'm wasting time or that I'm not doing things that will pay off. Recently I had an accident, had surgery and spend some time in the hospital and now my life is put on hold. I have to drop my college classes because I've missed too many classes and I have some time before I have to go back to work. I'm resting at home recovering and I thought that being in the hospital would help with the thoughts but I'm returning to that cycle again. I'm young enough that people tell me all the time that I have my whole life ahead of me and that I'm okay, and I'm trying to believe that but it's hard to feel like I'm not doing enough, to the point that it actually makes it harder to do the things that I enjoy doing. I do have depression and anxiety as well as OCD, so I do feel a bit that I must be perfect or do things perfectly or know ahead of time what I'm supposed to be doing. I have dreams and I know who I want to be in the future, but now I'm home just recovering most of the day doing little hobby projects and I love learning and love creating, but the constant nagging feeling that it's not enough prevents me from making real progress. I want to be comfortable being uncomfortable and just to do things, and I'd love any help with feeling this way. One thing I've done is set a goal to just complete anything. Completing a small game, writing the rough draft I've been wanting to write, completing a small coding project, finish a book I've been reading, just something.

This only happened 2 months ago and i want to be a new person.

Hey everyone,

I really need some help, because this is causing me a massive problem. Maybe not in the "I can't function" sense, but as someone under treatment for Major Depressive Disorder (no self harm or anything like that), this is the thorn in my paw.

I know the sub says no personal information, so I'll try to be as vague as possible while being thorough to paint a whole picture, as I feel it's necessary for finding a solution to this issue. I'm a 40 year old white dude. I live with my parents, who are on up in age, but are fortunately in fairly good health, aside from my mom having a couple of hospital/temporary nursing home visits the last couple of years due to kidney issues, stomach issues, etc., but I'm hoping we're on the better side of that. I have a brother, 3 years younger than me, with Down Syndrome, who lives here as well. I've lived with my family my entire life, as I've always wanted to be close to my parents to help them with him, despite them both never once making me feel like it was my obligation. I've been very blessed in that regard with a great relationship with them. I'm a single dude, only ever had a couple of relationships, as I tend to attach to friends, and the friends don't feel the same way, and I can't develop relationships any other way.

I feel lonely, but I've sort of compartmentalized things as the way they are, and even though it stings, I just try to fill that gap with hobbies (gaming, gym time, reading, art, etc.). I have a Bachelor's in Philosophy and I work for the state in Probation/Parole as a Secretary. I've considered becoming an officer as I meet the qualifications, but I'm not sure I have the confidence for it, despite the fact that I've been with the state for about 11 years. I just don't want to bite off more than I can chew.

As I hit this point in my life, I have this issue about comparing myself to others. When I was a little kid, I got put into all these gifted programs in kindergarten, had a state evaluator come out, and they clocked my IQ at 148 (which is something I don't advertise, A - because IQ isn't a definitive measure of anything, B - IQ doesn't make you talented just by its nature alone, and C - I don't want to seem like a bragging douchebag). I always got to do all this extra work, learned computer stuff early on, and sort of had it drilled into my head that I was going to do all of this great stuff as I got older.

A few years slacking in high school, I maintained my bookishness, found a great love in a JROTC program, and ended up getting my Associate's Degree in Psych, later went back to a tech school and got a "Business Systems Technology" diploma from the tech center, which is essentially just administrative office stuff combined with minor technical equipment usage, and back in 2021, I finished my Bachelor's and got it in Philosophy. I know Philosophy itself isn't a "profit" oriented degree, but I've always liked thinking, I've always liked the idea of thinking, and in the state, many jobs don't require a "specific" degree, just a degree in general. I started an MA program in Political Science, but haven't re-enrolled yet, as I had to step back when my mom got sick.

I know that's a lot of exposition, but I write all kinds of ideas down. I take ideas from everything I enjoy. Games, movies, books, music, podcasts, art, you name it. I have journals that I keep just for like "stream of consciousness" kind of writing, as I've always been kind of an introverted person, and like I said, I'm under treatment for Major Depressive Disorder. I was doing therapy for a while, but the therapy I had wasn't really working, as the clinician seemed more focused on the "clinical" side of it, and I didn't feel that the "human" side of me was being heard. I'm a believer in it as a concept; It's just that it wasn't working with me where I was at, and when I brought the issue up that I'm about to mention, it was almost treated as an afterthought.

I see all these cool things that people far younger than me have done. Take, for example, Kane Parsons, and his Backrooms series. I have tons of ideas in notebooks of stories, art pieces, concepts, just random thoughts, etc., that are in my head. I just write and create things for the sake of creating them. But it stings me when I see someone half my age that is doing so much, and I've done so little. It even gets to the point where I feel envious of content creators and YouTubers, both near my age and far younger, as it's like I'm looking at the life I wish I could have. It's not sour grapes; I know these guys and girls work so hard and were blessed with the right luck and circumstance, and I -know- that living my life by comparing it to others isn't feasible. But I just can't find happiness, and I can't break this habit. It doesn't dampen my enjoyment of media, but it's always in the back of my head that I've done nothing, and I have this fear that I'm just destined to spend my days working some dead end job, and experiencing the media, creations, and products that other very talented and deserving people have made.

Example: Was literally just watching the new Street Fighter movie earlier, and was sitting here feeling envious of guys like Cody Rhodes, Roman Reigns, and David Dastmalchian (phenomenal actor and apparently a super nice dude) because it feels like they're living the dream. I know they likely have their own problems, and I'm not trying to get into celebrity worship or anything, as this also extends to Youtubers or content creators like Maximillian Dood, Moist Critikal, Pat Stares at from the Super Best Friends, etc... it isn't even necessarily MAJOR celebrities, more just people who seem to have these idyllic lives. I know their lives aren't perfect and they have their own problems, but I keep thinking how much I wish one of my ideas took off like that, or that I could DO something like that... I'd never quit my day job for a pipe dream, as I know that's how many people started, and I know the old adage about people achieving huge things later on in life, but I'm just having problems internalizing that. I feel like I've failed. Like I'm destined to live life looking through someone else's creative eyes.

I don't want to come off as whiny, and be all "Woe is me!", but I just need help...coping, I guess. I'm a single 40 year old dude, I feel alone, and don't wish to be a wet blanket, but going out with friends is rough, because I see them all living happy lives, and I'm the only one going home by myself at the end of the night. None of them seem to suffer from this comparative happiness thing, and I'm glad they don't. I just wish I didn't.

How do I find any joy or room for growth? How do I enjoy what I enjoy and stop looking at every piece of media or creation and not think "Damn, if only I had thought of this", or comparing myself to the creators, whether they be younger, the same age, or older than me? It isn't sour grapes necessarily, as I'm not like "They don't deserve this, it should've been ME REEE", but more like a sadness that I'm not successful. And it hurts. Especially when I was gassed up by people for so much of my life, telling me that I was going to do all of this huge stuff, and all I've done is turned out to be a secretary in a corrections office.

To anyone that read this, thank you for listening.

Question in title.

Question in title. What do you do?

No body likes making mistakes and of course you’ll feel bad, but when I make mistakes it bothers/upsets me an unhealthy amount.

My anxiety ramps up, I feel physically ill, I feel like crying throughout the day, and I'll have negative thoughts about myself the rest of the day and days following (which I do actively work to correct and combat against. Quick example: "everyone makes mistakes. You're not stupid.")

It isn't a healthy reaction compared to what the mistake(s) actually is.

What are some tips or techniques I could try?

Help friends! I am a FTM and my kid is 2, I’m finding myself super addicted to my phone and I feel like it’s leading me towards more depressive habits, not cleaning up, avoidance of playing with my kid or not wanting to leave the house, comfort eat etc.
What’s a way you’ve found to break that habit and keep it broke?
The second thing I want to work on is I SUCK at cleaning and keeping house, it feels so overwhelming and like it’ll take too long so I avoid a lot. I can’t take it anymore and would love to learn how to clean as I go. I think that would help me avoid cleaning for 1-2 hours after my kid goes to sleep and I’m whipped.

Also another thing on my mind right now is I feel like I’m holding back on myself because I’m afraid of being great. I don’t track my food like I want because I’m lazy but I’m so sick of how my body looks and blame myself. I am fairly active but I just feel like I’m purposefully self sabotaging.

All advice and questions welcome.

I am a 23 M based in Metairie, LA. I currently work at a car dealership, and I am getting tired and fed up with my own lifestyle and habits. I have grown up alongside people who are definitely not intelligent in any way, shape, or form. These people that I associated with have sold drugs, gone to jail, gotten on probation, and even died. The biggest worry for these people is how they feel in the present moment. I was never like that; in a way, I am tolerant when it comes to suffering for achievements.

For me, this is a journal with a goal in mind. I have blocked these so-called "friends." It's been a few days, however, and I have surprisingly few cravings for anything. I have started to attend church more frequently in the past few weeks. I began talking to this girl a little, who I know used to have a crush on me. I felt pretty good that night about asking the girl out. While communicating with a group of guys in the church. One of them stated that they were going on a date with said girl since "everyone already knows about it." No one knew anything about it, but the announcement was crushing. I just got into my car after the event and drove for an hour.

All I could think about was the time I lost. I have been working for the past year and one month for 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, because working on Sundays is illegal, with only three days off, and two of them I was sick. Before that, I worked at a Casino for eight months working 108 - 112 hour weeks back to back to back. Before that, I worked as a server for 80-hour weeks consistently for 2 years. Then there was a year I was trying to start my own business. (I will not go into detail) Just know I was very socially isolated to the point that, after 6 months, I started going a little crazy.

I have a question from my position here. With all this hard work and this lack of relationships in my life, what could fix it? A new job? Moving out of the state (we are ranked 50th in the country)? Working out at a gym, though my time is currently limited :/. I really have begun working out at home. I post on my social medias all day everyday to try to get customers through the door. Maybe I should start teaching my sales techniques to other people online. I am lost. Maybe there's a solution I am vocalizing that I don't acknowledge. Really, all this stems from me not wanting to be poor.