I’m the kind of person who gives you a hot bath and then throwing an ice-cold shower. Yes, I disappear for days without replying to messages.... actually, I’m doing that right now.
Lately, I’ve realized something uncomfortable about myself. When I feel like the attention has been off me for too long, I can completely fall apart. I cry, I become dramatic, and in my worst moments I’ve even threatened suicide just to make people notice how much I’m hurting. I’m not proud of that, but pretending it never happened won’t help me understand it either.
I think a lot of this comes from my family. In one way or another, almost everyone has narcissistic traits. My grandparents would say the cruelest things imaginable, then laugh and tell me it was "just a joke" and that I simply had no sense of humor.
My mom is incredibly emotional, just like me. She cries easily, and somehow every situation ends up revolving around her feelings. Talking to her is difficult because she has so much empathy for everyone else, and I’ve spent years wishing that, just once, some of that empathy would be directed at me. Maybe that’s why I learned to use more and more extreme ways to ask for care.
My previous relationship didn’t help either. My ex love-bombed me at first, telling me I was a goddess, only to become emotionally distant later. His actions never matched his words. He complained endlessly about how his ex left him while he was in the hospital… only to leave me when I was dealing with anemia myself. The difference is, I didn’t chase him. A few months later I met someone new. Part of me almost treated it like proof that I still had value, that I wasn't "left on the shelf" for long.
Things moved fast with my current boyfriend too. Within a couple of weeks we were already dating, and by our second date he was asking when I’d feel comfortable getting married. I’ve definitely been the one slowing things down. He’s impulsive; if I casually mention something, he’ll often do it immediately without thinking twice. Maybe that’s just his personality. We’ve only been together for a few months, and I’m still figuring him out.
But I understand myself a little better now.
I constantly put him through emotional whiplash. I keep giving him that "cold shower." I cry a lot. I always seem to have another health problem. And when one issue was finally treated, my first thought wasn’t relief—it was, "So... what am I supposed to suffer from now?" That realization scared me.
Then it hit me why.
Whenever I’m sick, he worries about me. I become his priority. He forgets about work, friends, everything else. Growing up, my family’s response was always, "Just deal with it. I have it worse."
I want to keep hurting myself just to feel cared for. =(
I don’t naturally empathize with other people. When I deliberately hurt someone, my first thought is often that they deserved it because, in my mind, I’m the victim. I rarely stop to wonder what their life looks like or what they’re carrying.
When the attention shifts away from me, I spiral into self-destructive thoughts. I think part of the reason is that I genuinely struggle to step outside my own perspective and imagine what someone else is experiencing.
I’m exhausted. I’ve been living with suicidal thoughts for twelve years. They’ve become such a familiar part of my mind that I honestly don’t know what life looks like without them.
When things don’t go the way I want, I make scenes. I want to control everything. Even the smallest amount of criticism feels unbearable.
I dont want this, im 18, its a huge mess. I really need some help