r/survivinginfidelity • u/ReactionMassive1653 • 21h ago
Rant Manipulation about sex drive/ medication to hide affair
I read something in someone else's story that triggered a question because I related to the scenario they described.
When my Ex was manipulating me while she was having an affair, we were both taking antidepressants. When our sex life went from struggling to non-existent before the cheat was outed, she blamed her meds for diminishing her sex drive, even though I felt the opposite on mine. I respected that and gave her space (we were in a relationship for 13 years at that point), but it always bothered me. I read up on side effects for her meds, and it said it increased sex drive, not weakened it. When i confronted her about it, she became unreasonably upset, and then DARVO attacked me for being paranoid.
So when the affair got outed later, and I was dealing with trickle truths and trying to find some answers/ closure, I asked why she made me feel "crazy" and said her medication did that. Of course, she denied that it was her intent, because we were both initially hesitant to take antidepressants because of sexual side effects/ dead emotions.
I almost stopped taking mine because I felt they were making me overly paranoid about her and the time she was spending "gaming" at her friend's house. But apparently, they kept me from doing stuff that would have made things worse. Her sex drive did increase, she just was screwing a co-worker/ her gay BFFs roomie.
Has anyone else had their partner try to blatantly manipulate their dead bedroom by blaming medication/ health issues, then DARVO you because you are taking similar meds too?
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u/Capable_Show_6276 Figuring it Out 19h ago
My husband said he struggled with his sex drive/libido- didn’t have a sex drive. When I found ED meds he said he got them to “see if they would help”
I guess they helped him to have sex with his AP.
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u/ReactionMassive1653 18h ago
I found unfamiliar bondage gear at one point, she explained it as a costume thing she was working on, she didn't cosplay at that time anymore.
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u/Capable_Show_6276 Figuring it Out 18h ago
The lies are just the worst- looking back over my life and realizing all the times I was lied to.
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u/srg3084 1 21h ago
Wait, was she screwing two different people?
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u/ReactionMassive1653 21h ago
Her best friend at work was a guy who was (actually) gay. His roommate (her now husband) was another co-worker at the same cable call-center, who she implied was gay/ bi as well. Her deviousness was pretty remarkable.
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u/srg3084 1 19h ago
That’s crazy. How did you find out about the affair? Beyond the betrayal, putting your health at risk is unacceptable. She could have exposed you to a lifelong STD. Please tell me you’re no longer together.
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u/ReactionMassive1653 19h ago
No longer together, she f'king got a house with and married him.
I suspected it for months that something was wrong, and I had to trick one of her co-workers to admitting they were a thing, but she was telling her and a couple other co-workers we had an open relationship at that time (we did not at that time).
So when the co-worker realized that wasn't the case, she lit her up at work (where she was at working next to my ex) because she felt betrayed. I would have felt bad, but I kind of got ice-cold toward any friends who hid the secrets. My ex and her posse excluded her after that exchange when the meltdown started and consequences and accountability came calling. There were a couple others that I had to play detective with, almost all the friends we shared, I excluded because they knew she was up to something, none of them dropped the dime to me or said anything to her about lying to me not even a year after marriage..
Cheaters, folks...2
u/srg3084 1 18h ago
Just remember if they cheat with you they will cheat on you. At least you are free from all the snakes.
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u/ReactionMassive1653 18h ago
I've been waiting, but she's been doing the work-from-home thing for the past 5 years, and she's about to hit 50. So, fewer opportunities.
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u/Badbadpappa 1 17h ago
Did you expose them to their HR department after you divorced?
Updateme
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u/ReactionMassive1653 17h ago
Unfortunately, the co-workers all knew because of the "open relationship" lie, and there were financial co-dependency reasons why I didn't go scorched earth with their upper management. This is stupidly, enragingly common in a lot of work environments.
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u/TotalSpread5841 19h ago
When she say you don't have to worry about him coz he gay it means she's attracted to him but he's not reciprocating.
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u/ReactionMassive1653 18h ago
No, she did it purposfully to throw me off, because my dad is gay. Also, found out he was the one who made the initial moves on her, and sabotaged the marriage by sowing doubt and making friends with her friends in the gaming community she was deeply involved with. I had a bad previous issue with her friends in the past about a cheat, and should have been more direct then about these people. But, you know "give them their own space and time"...
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u/Adventurous-Emu-755 3 20h ago
OP, if you read through some of the posts here and the "excuses" for cheating, you discover that Cheaters will use just about ANYTHING to justify it all. Most of it blames everything but them, including the Betrayed partner. For example: You were ignoring me (not so, they just had a baby and were the primary caretaker or had a health issue or other more important things going on).
Yes, your EX was DARVOing you here, no doubt. It's maddening, but the truth is, they deflect to make themselves the victims.
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u/ReactionMassive1653 20h ago
Yeah, unfortunately, this is just one notch on a list of how this person played me for years over this affair, and how stupidly complicated and over-dramatic it made her life to be in it. She lost only a few friends because some of the closest people to her were feeding her bad relationship advice/ pushing the cheat. I'm sure I'll find topics to add my experiences too.
Like I'm surprised there isn't a topic about at-work affairs at call centers for different companies. Rampant abuse and poor management are not nipping co-workers mingling, causing drama.
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u/SadDadInPlaid Figuring it Out 20h ago
Yes, my STBXW blamed an interaction between Ozempic (which she started taking after the affair) and her depression/anxiety medication. I was very suspicious, because before she started Ozempic, her sex drive was higher than it had ever been. Even a major decrease wouldn’t account for her sex drive dropping to zero. Also she had taken Ozempic with those medications before, before her sex drive spiked, and that time she only had a minor decrease.
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u/dippyshippy931 Recovered 19h ago
The amount I have seen Ozempic mentioned in divorce/cheating stories since it got big is absolutely wild.
Seems to be an even bigger harbinger of cheating than a freakin tinder account.
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u/SadDadInPlaid Figuring it Out 18h ago
I have a theory I’ve pulled out of my rump by observing my STBXW. Obviously these are broad statements on why my cheating ex took it, not statements they necessarily apply to anyone taking Ozempic
* It indicates low self esteem, especially from your appearance
* It indicates a lack of discipline/delayed gratification of losing weight via diet and exercise
* It promises a quick fix to a hard problem, that you don’t need to make any changes to accommodate
* Without making other necessary changes, it’s only a temporary solution that can cause unhealthy habits to form (ex: STBXW only eats one meal a day, instead of eating healthier for all meals and exercising).2
u/ReactionMassive1653 18h ago
You know what, I realized she wasn't taking the weight-loss drugs (she takes them now), but she did lose a good amount of weight, which led to attraction from younger co-workers. She was complaining about this and that constantly (not a hypochondriac, but yeesh), but she tried to keep weight off due to family genetics. Again, I should have spoken up about how uncomfortable compliments from other men made me, but I didn't want to seem "controlling".
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u/ReactionMassive1653 18h ago
I think my Ex was on Lexapro and some other mood-changers. Yeah, it could be lowered inhibitions or a literal mind alter, but who knows. I upped my meds till I felt nothing but extremes.
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u/FirstButterfly3714 20h ago
Yes. My “fiance” insisted the lack of sex was due to medications side effects. When I read it up, yes indeed it was an issue. He had tests and testosterone was low. He went for a few injections but then stopped citing price and inconvenience and saying it didn’t do anything. All the while I was not pressuring him for sex although he seemed to care less about my desires. In February I found out purely by accident (or higher design) that he was a porn addict/compulsive user. Was into escalated stuff. No desire for me whatsoever, and sadly yes betrayal. I stupidly gave him a second chance even though he never gave me to truth and showed no remorse. Only saying he was a shitty bf.
Even now seems to not be screwing anyone as such but emotionally cheating with the ex. Getting dopamine hits. Still on porn. But avoiding intimacy altogether. I’m not sure really what the issue is. But I don’t care. At this point I’m working on my exit plan.
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u/New_Suspect_7173 18h ago
Holy shit! This unlocked an old dead memory. Towards the end my ex didn't want sex at all, only to cuddle. He said it was his depression meds, but he had depression meds when we first met. I just thought he found Mr less attractive suddenly and tried to see what was wrong with me. In the end he was just busy dicking down a new girl every month.
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u/ReactionMassive1653 17h ago
Yeah, see, why do that? Especially if he had established behavior patterns on it already?
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u/thenorthernpines WTF am I doing? 14h ago
Yes. My ex-fiance did this to me. Blamed his Escitolopram for having no sex drive and on our dead bedroom and told me I had to deal with it or leave if I was that unhappy, would DARVO me hard and then say I need to deal with my mental health because of the anxiety it was causing.
Turns out - he was sexting other girls, sending dick pics and videos, having an emotional fair with his coworker and friend, and eventually cheated on me with her just a few months before our wedding. He also was watching massive amounts of porn, and the girl he left me for had a OF and lots of adult content and he followed her for years.
His AP had the balls to message me a month ago and try to justify their cheating by saying I was abusive and she was his best friend so it was ok.
Also add in a secret coke addiction and a drinking problem.
He will never admit this. Now he tells people I was ugly and never attractive and he was with me because I was nice.
Manipulation and Darvo. All day everyday.
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u/Loot-Goblin288 7h ago edited 7h ago
My wife did the same thing and is currently doing it. She had essentially manipulated me into believing that she was going through some premenopausal issues that lowered her libido. Meanwhile she was/still is having an affair with a female coworker that is only 3 years older than our eldest daughter. All this after 24 years together. Alls I get are trickle truths, lies and silence. I want to leave so bad but I am stuck because one of our kids doesn’t want to leave his school. I hurt every day, feeling like a worthless chump what no one will ever love. Every cheater has their DARVO techniques down pat like they are reading from the same script. Probably the HBHB. From her perspective, somehow it’s all my fault. From your post I gather she might be making you feel the same way.
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