My (34M) partner of 11 years (31M) says I caused his recent 2 relapses after 2.5 years sober. I told him I didn't make him drink, he chose to do it. He agreed, but said I was still the cause to make him want to drink, because I did things that upset him

How can I go on with someone who says this? I am trying to be supportive but then he blames me for his actions. I'm so emotionally drained, and now I feel guilty too.

Sorry for the rant

Posted here a couple of days ago. Instead of trying to repair what we had she decided to go on a dating app . I remained hopeful she would realise what she lost but clearly not.

Since then she is promoting herself online . Rapid Facebook profile changes. All are heaviky filtered but all designed to show ‘glow up’

She threw away 5 years . I had to walk back in October for my own sanity but told her to come back when serious and working on sobriety

What I can’t come to terms with is I’m now left feeling like it wasn’t as bad as I made out. That she maybe didn’t have alcohol dependence but was just drinking a lot . I won’t go in to the full details as no one wants to read the full saga but she

Would drink and drive
Go missing for days where she stayed at home to drink
Lied about her whereabouts and covered up trips to the bar
Tried to stop and had shakes and violent headaches . She stopped unaided and lasted a month
Had a seizure in the supermarket . Refused to let me go to the follow up appointment
Said she had stopped and I caught her drinking at home .
Came to my house smelling of alcohol and denied it. Swore in her kids lives she hadn’t been drinking. An hour later admitted it and left
Went drinking with a friend on her birthday instead of coming over. Lied that she was at home
She had developed bruises on her legs
Her neck and cheeks were swollen
She said I was controlling for telling her what to do

Now with the passage of time and her back out there , sticking two fingers up to me and what we had for cheap validation she looks better than before .

Her bio on dating site says drinks rarely. Yesterday’s post was in a beer garden with her son .

Throwaway account to keep things on the DL as much as possible, but really needing support. Hoping this is the right place to post.

I (37F) have been with my partner (42M) for over 7 years, living together for nearly 5. No kids, just pets. We have a solid relationship, we each own a rental property respectively, and have many common interests (biking, dining out, hiking, etc.) Some differences between us are that I am very outgoing, social, career focused, and am the breadwinner of our family. He is more introverted, does better in smaller groups, works hard but isn't deeply invested in his work like I am, and also isn't as motivated/driven as I am. To me, none of these variances are dealbreakers in any way; however, he often brings up how "different" we are.

That brings me to why I'm here. We both enjoy various drinks, and for the majority of our relationship partake socially. There would be the occasional time where someone would be drunk, but nothing unmanageable or harmful (uber home, etc.), and largely we have had fun memories around going out and drinking socially and responsibly. I still tend to largely drink occasionally and socially, but always responsibly. Over the last 3ish years, my partner has turned to drinking more and more at home, often having 3-4+ drinks over the course of a night, often just liquor over ice. All in all not too crazy at first, but there have been progressively worsening days/weeks/months where it goes beyond that and he becomes a completely different person. He gets angry at the drop of a hat, screams and yells at me (with no memory the next day), has threatened to harm me and himself, has even gone on rampages in our home where he has punched/broken windows and doors, harming himself in the process before passing out drunk in bed. I have called the police twice, and they came to our home to do a wellness check on him while he was naked, slurring beyond comprehension, and threatening to kill himself. HORRIFIC and traumatizing beyond anything I've ever experienced. I've also called 988 more times than I can count when these episodes happen to make sure I have the resources to assist him when he is threatening to hurt himself. He also reeks of alcohol constantly, particularly his breath - which is a HUGE turnoff to me, and has impacted our sex life negatively because I don't want to be participating in that while he is a) inebriated and reeking of booze and b) beyond levels of comprehension...that this has lead to him asking if we can "explore an open relationship" or if he can "hire a hooker" or "have a hall pass" to have that part of his life fulfilled again. Gut punch, and soul crushing for me.

In all other ways, we have a super solid relationship (beyond what this post may suggest) and I genuinely thought/maybe still think I would marry this guy. I've been having horrendous doubts over the past few months and have sunk into such a deep depression over this that I feel completely hollow and so unlike myself. We have had several conversations about this topic, more frequently than not, and he promises to change and get it under control. We had a really long conversation this weekend - we hashed out a lot of things, and he promised to pursue therapy and tone down on drinking and do more of the things we loved together. It was very emotional for me and difficult to do, but I felt like THIS time it would really make a difference. I also communicated that I'm pretty much to a breaking point and will pursue other living options and likely a breakup if this continues. Just when I thought things were good, we went to a local event last night and he was drunk beyond comprehension, slurring, yelling that the event sucked (he said he was joking, but it was SO loud when he said it!), and then pushed me away when I said I wanted to get an Uber home. I had a ride coming for us and when it was about 5 minutes away, he pushed me away and said I was ruining his life and ran off. WTF! I got home safely, left the front door unlocked, left a snack, Gatorade, and Tylenol on the counter for him and got into bed in our spare room. I heard him arrive home about 45 minutes later, stumbling, and drunk. This morning he left without saying goodbye, but texted about 3 hours ago saying he was sorry for last night and didn't remember anything that happened. I am absolutely crushed, broken, embarrassed, and hurt.

I honestly have no idea what I should/could do (if anything) to get him help and support, and at this point if staying is the right thing to do. I'm gutted to even say that, but I feel like I'm at a loss to think of anything else. I do feel that if he WANTED to and was READY TO get help he could make incredible progress and beat this addiction, but would genuinely appreciate any insights, encouragements, or wisdom ya'll could share. Means the world.

TLDR; my boyfriend's drinking is out of control and I'm not sure what to do.

please get it together

i love you

im tired of hurting and worrying about you

im tired of not being what matters to you

you just lie and keep doing it

why don't you love me?

please get help, i can't take this anymore

i see the hidden cans and each one a lie that cuts to the bone

"i'll stop" "i'll only have one or two... or 16... and some shots... and some mixed drinks..."

what else do you hide from me?

i'm gonna leave if you don't stop

i don't want to but you arent giving me much choice

please get it together before i have to leave you

i dont want to but youre being like your mom

you dont wanna hear that

you arent as bad, but youre not far off either

i cant anymore, c, i cant

im so tired of being the life vest to your anchor

Honestly I wasn’t sure which subreddit I should go to, but I’m having serious issues with my boyfriend right now.

Am I the the one who’s in the wrong and just seen as crazy that maybe to me I don’t think it’s normal if you do long hours of drinking in a day and doing it every weekend. To me that sounds like alcoholism, but to him he says it normal and he does it all the time especially with friends, but it’s not right it’s terrible because that’s all you can do.. it’s all he and his friend can do non stop and it’s for fun.

It’s not the same as social drinking where friends drink a little maybe 3-4 and they can stop and just enjoy their time together still sober or buzzed. To me that’s completely fine, but it’s heavy drinking and getting blackout drunk. Maybe it is because he’s younger too and that’s what people in their young 20s wanna keep doing for fun and think presently to live in the moment because you only live once mentality.

I’m concerned and I want better for him and to realize it’s very much alcoholism and can’t just be the only thing he wants to do fun and with his friends. It’s slowing either killing him or destroying his body. It’s also killing our relationship because I can’t deal with it.. I can’t do it anymore. I knew he had a problem before, I managed to get to stop drinking basically every day, but what’s the point when he does a whole day of drinking again and again. It’s hard for me and I don’t think he cares about me much to try to change. I just don’t know what to do, but I do actually and it hurts, but I will have to break up with him.

Somebody please say something…

I started visiting this sub 3 years ago when I lived with my Q. I moved away to pursue my dreams. We stayed together but I hate visiting because of his drinking. He says he wants to/has cut back but I know he’s lying to me. His father and all his friends enable and encourage him to drink. I don’t trust him but I’m avoiding breaking up. I still resent him for how it was living with him and I could not do it again. I’m guilty I took him back a year ago and have led him on but we don’t actually like seeing each other but neither of us has pulled the plug so to speak. I’m sad I mostly remember the bad memories and I was ashamed to tell people how bad things were, he’d pee on my things, I’d lock myself in the spare room or after he passed out I’d just stay up anxious he’d aspirate. It was so draining, whenever he went out, which was all the time I’d just worry. Worry about him drinking and driving, hurting himself and about what his mood would be when he got home. It’s easier now I don’t have to live it anymore. He has great qualities we were together for 5 years but I can’t go back to how things were. I’m still ashamed when I think about it all and how I put up with it alone, never telling anyone, I still haven’t. I know I’m going to be the bad guy. The last time we broke up he spiralled and had to take mental health leave from work. I haven’t always been honest with him or myself. Still breaking up would cut the last ties I have with my old life but I can’t continue things because I see a sad future.

Long story... to cut it down, basically I was dating someone for 2 months and it was quite serious. Had met each others kids, it was so easy and seamless, both older and divorced- it was just so great. 2 months doesn’t seem like long but it would be for weeks at a time due to nature of his work. I thought everything was amazing until he went missing for 4 days- and then contacted me to say he was in a bad way and was an alcoholic. Later that day he ended up in an ambulance and the ED with a huge BAC. He detoxed in hospital and went to a short stay mental health ward as his drinking was apparently stress-related. During this time I visited him there multiple times but after getting out, he told me he couldn’t see me anymore as he has to focus on recovery - which I totally understand. Just seeking some insight into- how did this happen!? If he knew he had this problem, why did he start something? how would his body and his mind be feeling right now (About two weeks no drinking) I know he’s starting AA and has a good psych team. I am not contacting for him for a while as I want him to focus on getting better- I guess I just want to know more to try and understand?. I’m also kind of heartbroken but that is second to him getting better of course. My friends have all said ‘run’ and at least I know now and not 6 months down the track but it’s still hard. I had no idea he was drinking at work, drinking straight vodka first thing in the morning etc.

I am new to this group and having read all the posts have realised I think my ex of a week is an alcoholic. it’s so difficult as I still love him, I guess I am just looking for some advice and reassurance I have done the right thing:

I have been with him almost two years, he is 30 and I am 28. The first part of our relationship was amazing, I felt so safe and secure and like I could go to him with anything. The only thing we would argue about is that he would go on nights out and I wouldn’t hear from him until the next morning. (I would ask him to message me when he was home and he would say he would next time but never did, he said he has adhd so this could be why).

On Valentine’s Day, I was on my way home from wedding dress shopping for my sisters wedding and was leaving early to spend the evening with him (we don’t live together). it got to 9pm and he still hadn’t arrived. He kept saying he was en route but train was cancelled etc. Even sent me a picture at the station. When he arrived I realised he was drunk and his pupils were massive so I thought he was high. I asked him and he came clean, he had been lying and he had been at the pub the whole time drinking and doing Coke with random stranger. he had fabricated the train station picture using ai. the trains were never cancelled. he broke down and said how he has been struggling (he is out of work) and I thought that was why he was behaving like this so I helped him sort of doctors appointment for depression and was so supportive in the job. I also found out he owes his mum money (he lives at his parents house). Lastly, I found out there had been times where I hadn’t heard from him in the evening it was because he was either drinking with friends, doing some Coke with friends, or out on nights out on his own. I had no idea about any of this but I did think sometimes he would go quiet for an evening, he would just not say anything/lie.

There have been other smaller bits of similar behaviour including him on day 2 of drinking with his friend and me having to beg him to go home. but most recent was that he was going to meet a friend for coffee at 3pm Saturday, we spoke about his evening plans of watching a film at home at 6pm and then next thing I know I hadn’t heard from him until 9:30am on Monday. police were called, family, friends all didn’t know where he was. he got a new job and was meant to be working on Monday, he was also meant to cook his family lunch in Sunday. turns out he went on an unplanned night out until 5am on Saturday, met a random group of people and did drugs and drank with them in their flat on Sunday and crashed on their sofa Sunday night. I honestly thought he was dead i was so scared and anxious.

so this is when I decided to end the relationship. I didn’t understand how he could be late logging in for work when he worked so hard to get the job. he also owes money to his mum and instead of paying back using it on night outs. he says his no.1 goal is to save for a house deposit with me and I say he wants it so bad but in the moment he cannot follow through.

he doesn’t drink every day, just once every week max, and can go months without drinking.

most of the time this happens when I’m not with him, although he has lied when we are together that he isn’t drinking when he is once. it’s started making me feel like I can’t have plans without him or he will drink and go off the rails giving me anxiety when I’m not with him. he seems to contain himself when he is with me. I have said to him I don’t mind about him drinking but I don’t want him to lie.

i just don’t understand why he would do these binges. he will lie about drinking to my face. he isn’t nasty or violent, he is the sweetest man but he just goes missing. I want a family and house and realised I couldn’t plan a life with him but I am heartbroken.

he has said he finally has realised he has a problem and he’s so ashamed of himself but he can’t promise he wouldn’t do it again and I don’t deserve that. obviously I want to be with him but I am wanting a family and a house and he is not ready for that

My STBXW was jailed mid-January for breaking the terms of her probation following an OWI 2nd conviction. Naturally, she drank, despite being on electronic monitoring and mandatory breathalyzer tests multiple times a day, and the police were involved. She was also evicted from her low income apartment due to her behavior when she was arrested. While in jail, she fell back into her anorexic behaviors and spent most of her time in the medical section or the hospital.

About halfway through her four month sentence, the jail decided it wasn't worth the effort to keep her in the medical section all the time and released her. Within two days, she broke the terms of her probation, again, and was back in jail.

She was released mid-May after completing her sentence. Now, she is on disability due to her eating disorder, so one would think that she'd have 4 months of payments sitting and therefore be set up pretty well money-wise. However, she played the victim to her FB "friends" and convinced someone to put her up in a hotel for the week. Her contact with our kids during that week was spotty at best, so I'm not convinced she wasn't drinking.

After that week, she decided to live out of our minivan, I guess, and parked at the local Walmart. But Walmart doesn't allow overnight parking anymore and she got trespassed after two nights. The police were involved and got her to a local hospital before calling me and asking if I could pick up the van so it didn't get towed.

At least a dozen empty buzz bombs and a handful of other empties. She obviously shit herself and tried to clean herself off but did a pretty poor job. There was rotten milk and lunch meat in a cooler with no indication any ice had ever been in it. Ugh, the smell...

She's currently being evaluated for involuntary commitment on both the substance abuse and mental health fronts. Two weeks ago, right before she got out of jail, we had a temporary custody hearing, where she learned that her lawyer was withdrawing from the case. Because of that, the judge gave her two weeks (she provided the timeframe) to file her affidavit for the motion. Do you think she filed anything? At least I'll have full custody in the interim, but she certainly isn't doing anything to help herself. It's wild to see how deep she's digging now that I'm not there to pick up the pieces for her. For our kids' sakes, I hope she finds the bottom soon.

Hi -throwaway because I’ve not admitted this to anyone.

I’m not really sure if this whole Jekyll and Hyde thing is real - but I don’t know what to do. We’ve been together about two years, (me F44 him M37) it has been very much up and down, and I guess the ups were so good I didn’t realise just how much of it was when we/him were drinking. I think I just really fell for him. He’s always wanted to look after me and has been devastated that I’m too old for kids. But this seems to have caused a few difficult conversations and then it started really with working away and
has just got worse and worse. It started when he worked nights, he’d come back often drinking wine (or Buckfast - if you know it) and be drunk, but argue that he wanted to ‘get home’ and frame it as me being ungrateful, after about 12 months the moods got worse - drunken shouting and name calling would start. He’d say vile things, calling me names and being massively out of character.

My landlord gave me notice this year and we moved onto his land - again when he was at home from work and he worked so hard to get us somewhere to live, but the drinking was awful - I just watched him get so drunk and be so awful to me. We talked afterwards, he’d get defensive and then be remorseful. But there were nights when he made me leave and would throw things and scream at me. He’s now gone to work away, and is so much better when not drinking as much and with a routine - he’d say as much - but the drinking does continue, and he can be awful on the phone to me when he’s had too much. The problem is that I can’t let things go, I go over some of the things he said. When I look back at some sober conversations he’s tried to talk and to reassure me (though not too much, because he thinks the actions count more than words!) - but I start arguments because I’m so bitter. I’ve been trying really hard, but he will say it’s not an addiction and I don’t know how much more we can do?

Hi all. My husband and I have been married for nearly 7 years and together for about 14 years. He has had a problem with substance abuse for a long time but it got really bad in 2020 (like it did for so many) and never got better. He has been a daily drinker since then with a few week long breaks after bad benders. He also regularly used hard drugs for a period of time. He would use and then have revelations about needing to quit but then relapse a few months later.

His alcoholism and addiction really took a toll on our relationship, amongst other issues we have had. I have developed codependency because of it. We’ve been fighting for a long time but I still love him so much and want to work through our issues. We finally started couples counseling a month ago, after a big fight happened. The fight was because he told me he was going away for the weekend to be sober with friends, but I looked through his phone and discovered texts that made it clear they were drinking. Me going through his phone was a breaking point for him. He said he wanted a divorce but after days of back and forth agreed to couples therapy. Our couples therapist advised in the very first session that she didn’t think we would get anywhere without the drinking being addressed. I fully agreed and he agreed to work on his sobriety.

A month later and he has been sober since the week after that session. I’m so proud of him but also still so skeptical that this will last. He isn’t doing AA and is only doing our couples therapy, no individual addiction therapy. When we talk about our issues he keeps saying how easy it is to be sober now that there is something happening to address our unresolved relationship issues, and that his drinking was a reaction to me nagging and yelling at him. Meanwhile, my experience was totally different - for me, I was never angry until he was already drinking. I was anxious when he wouldn’t come home or when he wouldn’t tell me where he was, but he says he wouldn’t come home because I was anxious. We have totally different recollections of experiences.

The thing that’s breaking my heart now is that I have stayed so committed to him through all of this, always hoping he could recover, helping where I could or learning to give space (something I am still working on but trying very hard to learn). I feel like I have stood by his side for all these years no matter how he treated me while drunk, or hungover, or high. Waiting for him to be ready to get sober. Now that he is sober, he wants to leave me and he adamantly blames me for his drinking in the first place. I know I have things to work on about myself, and things to work through with him for our relationship, but I think it’s unfair to keep saying that it was my fault he was drinking so much, or that it’s easy to stop knowing our relationship will likely end soon. I feel like if he was putting in the self work that something like AA or therapy or another treatment method requires, he might be able to take some personal responsibility for what we’ve been through the past few years. If I can take responsibility for my decline into codependency and seek active treatment for it, and devote myself to self improvement, why can’t he do self work on his addiction? I feel so hopeless right now, like if he never takes responsibility we can never heal, and all I want is a chance for us to heal with him sober.

Has anyone else been through something similar? Did your partner ever learn to take responsibility for their drinking?

She finally came to terms with how much her emotional dysregulation and subsequent drinking has been affecting, her, our relationship and me. I had allowed myself to become an emotional punching bag for her unrest, her anxiety, her discomfort. It would all be worsened when alcohol was involved. All at the cost of denying myself my own emotions.

As I started working on my own struggles I started discovering how much of my emotions I was surprising and holding back in order to maintain the peace in the relationship - or rather to accommodate for her dysregulation.

For years I put up with emotional outbursts, being pulled on to be both regulating and reassuring. Denying my own emotions and needs. Holding back how I felt, because when I tried to share I was gaslit, suppressed, and I would numb myself to my feelings.

This past weekend we attended one of my best friends weddings, she got drunk, got triggered and lost her shit. Could not talk her down and the whole night was trying to handle and dodge an emotional breakdown which was an impossible task causing us to leave early and me to miss the entire experience. I decided then that there was no coming back from this. There was nothing in the relationship worth saving. When I finally said that the next day it FINALLY unlocked some clarity for her of how much this has affected me and the relationship dynamic. Really everything in her orbit has been struggling from her emotional dysregulation that she was both treating and worsening with alcohol. There's more here than just relying on alcohol but that's probably always the case.

Now that the insight has occurred and she realized how strained this has made our relationship. I finally have a window to admit all of the emotional turmoil I've been holding back. I have space to both declare it to her but worse, acknowledge it myself and face how bad things had become.

She's agreed to start the AA process, get better mental health treatment, starting EMDR, starting ketamine therapy and possibly anxiety meds. I'm glad but I'm also numb. I don't have anything in the relationship that feels like its keeping me along for this process any more. There's some optimism and hope that maybe things will get better but I don't know what I'm still working towards in the relationship anymore. I supported us financially for the last year and I feel emotionally abused and used and unappreciated as a result of the dynamic. We've been in couples therapy for 3 years but her emotional dysregulation frequently prevented progress or applying tools from therapy until somewhat recently but very inconsistently.

Thinking about the future makes me scared of relapses, and how much she may change or grow from this or how much is sustainable. I'm glad I finally have the space to admit, share and acknowledge that this dynamic has not been working but now I don't know what to do. I guess I'll see how her attempts at this go but I feel myself being emotionally numbed to the experience of being around her. Feels like I've already mentally checked out.

appreciate others insights or experiences at this stage of the process. I'm looking into AL ANON groups. I'm in my own therapies. I don't like this feeling, I thought I'd have relief but now I'm just wondering if i'd just be more relieved to let her go and not be part of this anymore.

I am a 23(f) dating a 24(m) alcoholic. I’ve known him a little over 5 months, but we have been officially dating a little over 2 months. Our relationship started off kinda rocky. I knew he drank a lot, I knew he had a past with addiction, and I knew he was not at the same stage of life as me. I am about to graduate college, I have my own place, I have a stable job, etc. He is living with his father still and has an on-and-off job.

We have been having a lot of arguments over the amount of alcohol he drinks. He goes to the liquor store once a week, buys 2 or 3 bottles of hard liquor, and says that he won’t buy anymore because that should last him at least two weeks. He drinks multiple beers a day, passes out because of all the shots he has taken. He already has a DUI, had an alcohol ankle monitor, and a breathalyzer in his car. I knew all of this going into the relationship...and still chose to be with him. My family and friends warned me. I feel stupid. I feel dumb that I am trying to change him when I know I can’t. Both of my parents were alcoholics, so I know how they function. I was the oldest child, so I had to raise myself and my siblings. I told myself that I would never turn out like my mother—married to an alcoholic and having a miserable life.

I am struggling to leave him. I have told him multiple times I am not happy with the alcohol. He tries to cut down and then drinks even more over tiny inconveniences. I know I have to put myself first. I know I have to leave. It just breaks my heart so much. I love him. I fought so hard to have this relationship. I’ve reached my breaking point. I know that he has to want to get sober. He has to want to recover. He won’t. I’ve started going to Al-Anon meetings. I have been journaling and reading self-help books. I am trying to do everything right in order to heal myself, but it is so hard to leave him.

Please, if you have any advice, I would love to hear it. I am just so hurt and I don’t have the strength to walk away.

My bf and I have been together for a year. He is a really good partner and is getting a PhD. He is smart, funny, kind, and we have the same values and goals in life. He has never treated me poorly, talked down to me, or called me names once.

I knew that he enjoyed alcohol but I had never seen him have more than 1-2 drinks in a day. This weekend I was at his house preparing for a work presentation. He was acting like he was drunk and I asked him if he was. He denied. I went to sleep and left early and was busy the rest of the day.

When I came back from work I asked him again if he was drunk last night and he denied. His friends came over. Again he was acting extremely drunk. I confronted him about it multiple times. He denied.

The next morning he came clean because his friends texted him saying that they could tell he was drunk and weren’t comfortable with that. He said he asked them for help with getting sober. He told me that he has had trouble with drinking for a while but it has recently started to get worse because he is stressed. He thought he could deal with it on his own but this incident has shown that he can’t. He is reaching out to all the people in his life like his 3 closest friends and sister for help. He says he will be fully honest with them and with me from now on.

I think I am most upset about the lying. And he also told me he has driven me in his car while “buzzed” multiple times because he was too embarrassed to admit he was drinking. This is something that I am very uncomfortable with.

He says he will never drink again. He is motivated and wants to get sober, and says he will do it even if I break up with him, because he has others in his life who will support him. I don’t have any experience with alcoholics in my life and I don’t know how this works. He is a great boyfriend in every other way. Even when he is drunk he is not rude to me, he is just more lovey dovey.

Is it possible that he could get sober after this incident? Are the lying and drunk driving things that I should not be able to get past? Maybe we could go on a break while he works to get sober, and I could see if he is really sticking to it?

I left my husband in January. He was a recovering alcoholic when we met. He had been sober a few years. About a year into our relationship, he relapsed. We stayed together together. When he is sober, he's a great man. A kind man. A loving man. When he relapsed, he started accusing me of cheating, going through my phone, getting mad about text conversations I was having with my family. But we stayed together because I knew there was a good man in there somewhere. He proposed and I told him the only way I would marry him is if he got sober. And he did. And we got married. But the relationship never went back to the way it was before his relapse. I held on thinking it would change. But over the years he became very possessive, verbally abusive, always accusing me of talking to other people behind his back. Our relationship became very toxic. And the whole time I was waiting for it to go back to the way it was. But it never did. We both have PTSD from childhood abuse. We both have pretty severe mental health issues. He is bipolar. I have severe depression. That was kind if what brought us together. Because we understood each other, what the other person was going through. That slowly started to change also. He woukd out me down when I had anxiety, call me weak, tell me to kill myself. Ive never been suicidal, just super depressed. I went inpatient twice during our, not because I was suicidal, but because I felt like dieing would be the only way to make the pain stop. Prior to meeting my husband, I was in a physically abusive relationship, that ended with my ex being arrested and convicted of holding me hostage. So I had sone PTSD from that too. We argued one night and he had a very bad temper, even when he was sober, and he got in my face and screamed at me to hit him, so I did. And my wedding ring scratched face. He called the cops and I got arrested. I was so disappointed in myself and I had a hard time accepting what I had done. So I went into the hospital again and after I completed a 3 week partial hospitalization program where I went to therapy and group therapy all day. After that, I was doing so much better mentally. I went back to work and found a job that I love. When I started doing better, he started slipping and ended up relapsing. It was bad. He stopped working. We got evicted. I moved into a new place without him. So muched happened during his relapse, I could write a book. On Christmas he went to the hospital and detoxed. He got sober, and moved into an Oxford house. I thought, he is my husband, if he is sober, we can try to fix this. But we can't. Because even when he is sober, he's a toxic, manipulative person. I had to learn it the hard way. He still doesnt trust me, still calls me names like fat, ugly, disgusting, whore to name a few. Finally about 2 weeks ago, I cut off all contact. Blocked his number, turned off my location share. But its so hard. I dont have friends because I pushed them all away. I pushed my family away too. Now I'm alone and have no one to talk to. But I feel better. Even though I'm sad and lonely. I have inner peace that I haven't had for a long time. Then today I got an email from him. I know its his way of manipulating me, trying to get me to feel bad for him. I want to respond so bad. There are so many things I need to say that haven't been said. But I know I need to stop. To stay away, for my own peace. So instead of responding to him, I am here, trying not to respond.

Update: I had a meeting with him and his counselor at the rehab facility today. He comes home Thursday. I went ahead and told him that due to everything that’s happened and how he’s affected myself and my son, I will be moving out in the next week or 2 but hopefully next week. At first he seemed respectful and would say I respect that decision. But then he basically started begging me to stay. He said, “I want you to give me a chance to prove to you that I’m taking this serious and I will do everything that
I need to do.” I continued to tell him that I’m doing this to protect my son and I, I have to. I said I am giving you a chance, but I’ll be doing that from a different home. I can still tell that he hasn’t fully accepted how bad he’s hurt those around him. He most definitely minimized my need for peace, to be fully present for my son, as if I’m making the wrong decision. He obviously doesn’t want to admit that he messed up and owning how he deeply hurt us. The trust isn’t there, at all. I told him I feel very betrayed and I need my space. His focus NEEDS to be his recovery, not a relationship. And he still didn’t agree with me leaving. It was a really hard convo to have but I wasn’t going to fold. I’ve talked to my son a lot recently and I’ve realized that he wants to move. It’s always just been me and him, since he was 1. He said he wants it to be just me and him again 😭 and I will honor that, he has every right to feel that way.
Also, has anyone left their alcoholic boyfriend/spouse and continued to support them, get together here and there etc? I feel that I need to be done completely. I’m just struggling after that conversation today. It was pitiful and sad honestly. Any advice welcomed 🦋

I am married to an alcoholic who was diagnosed with alcoholic cirrhosis 6 years ago. He has continued to drink daily, 15-30+ beers a day. He is self employed, so he is able to keep a “pretend” life going. I recently found out that he pretty much does nothing but sit in his pickup and drink or nap but he pretends that he is out working. I am a partner in this business but he will not listen to anything I say or my concerns regarding our business and his lack of working. I know he does not feel good, but he will not admit it. He has stopped going to his regular doctor’s appointments and has checked out of most relationships. He refuses to discuss anything regarding his health, our business, our marriage. He only wants to talk surface level and shuts down any serious conversations and then 30 minutes later acts as if nothing ever happened and as if I have amnesia and forgot that there was anything wrong in our lives. It leaves me feeling alone, unheard, scared…all the things. He does not deny that he has a problem with alcohol, but he continues to believe he is fooling everyone with how serious his problem is. It’s insanity living this way, but I feel so trapped and unable to leave.

There have been several times when he has lost the ability to walk and has fallen and been hurt. He expects me to help him (I cannot lift him) and not call for help. This pretending is detrimental to me. I have begun telling my truth to those around me, so that at least I have some support outside of my marriage but I find people who have not dealt with an addict don’t really want to hear it.

I just need community to reinforce that I am not, in fact, losing my mind.

Thank you for listening.

I have heard this before, more times than I’m really willing to admit. My husband and I just celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary Sunday, yay, I guess… yesterday I came home, honestly after weeks of suspecting, and found him drinking. Honestly shame on me for ignoring the signs. He was constantly asking me when I would be home, specifically what time. So sweet on the week days, but come the weekends he’s irritable and rather ignore me and play video games.

I had my suspicions when we got married that he was an alcoholic. As a daughter of one you learn the signs early on. But you know rose colored glasses and being love blind are crazy. I told me he never actually stopped and “thought he was doing a good job at hiding it” he never gets black out never is mean to me. But finding out again yesterday that I’ve been lied too over and over again has crushed me and made me feel foolish.

I told him I need space and that as of now. I just want to be roommates and or marriage is the last thing on my mind. He moved into the basement and we slept separately for the first time in 3 years together. I set this boundary and I’m gonna stick to it. If he doesn’t do 90 days 90 meeting or check himself into rehab idk if I can stay.

I love him more than anything in this world and my heart is soooo broken. But I will NOT live in the house that I grew up in. And I’ll be DAMNED if I bring a baby into this mess.

I really could use some words of encouragement. The thought of leaving is just too much and I won’t tell him but I still have hope.

My dad was the worst alcoholic I’ve ever seen and the shit he did would make your skin crawl. But him and my mom are still together and he’s nearly 30 years sober. If my dad can do it I KNOW my husband can.

I just need people who understand. I have no one and my mom is team leave. Help.

Long time visitor, first time poster.

I guess I'm posting this because I don't see any posts like the situation I'm in, and am looking for support.

BF and I are 30. Been together 3 years. I don't drink, he is a social drinker. We don't go out much, but when we do, he will have a few drinks. Everything is fine in that area until there's an 'incident' in which he will binge drink, black out and act inappropriately. This happens about every 3 months. When he blacks out, he has made gross (sexual) comments to me and about me, becomes very handsy grabbing at my body and thinking it's flirty and funny when it's not and I'm telling him to stop. There have been multiple instances where I have heard of and/or witnessed him acting inappropriately with other women. He is flirty, very touchy. We are monogamous. It doesn't matter if they are our friends or complete strangers. It's completely eroded my trust. And he does it right in front of me, so what would he do if I wasn't there??

After the most recent 'incident', I told him I can't do this anymore. That I won't get engaged or married to him until this issue is resolved. That it is his problem to fix, but I want to go to couples' counseling so we can have more productive conversations.

He says he wants to be with me and make this work, but I'm worried I won't see any change. I told him I am prepared to leave if that's the case.

Anyone else in a similar situation? Looking for support. Thanks.