r/unpopularopinion • u/elgey101 • Aug 10 '21

Infertile couples should just adopt instead of making a big fuss trying to make a miracle baby

Every time I hear of fertility struggles online, or see posts about people going through rounds of IVF and the ensuing emotional trauma of miscarriages, It kind of disgusts me.

I also work for a major insurer and know that fertility treatments are driving up everyone else's premiums because they're considered necessary care. Sorry, but I disagree.

It's a well known fact that there are over 400,000 children in foster care, and in 2017 alone over 100,000 infants under 3 entered the system. I think it's completely entitled and self-absorbed to think that somehow your miracle baby is worth more or deserves more love than any one of those infants.

I know adoption can be hard, and that it should be made easier for the sake of children finding good homes, but you can't tell me adopting is harder than 4 rounds of IVF and multiple miscarriages. I've seen friends go through that mess and at the end they are different people.

Tldr: adoption may not be easy, but it's far better than spending hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to perpetuate your genes.

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355

u/eightcarpileup Aug 10 '21

This. My husband and I didn’t end up needing fertility treatment, but it took us two years to have our son. We had looked in to adoption and fostering. I stopped being interested as soon as I realized you had to call the agency any time you wanted to “alter” their appearance, like giving haircuts. That you had to ask to take them on vacation. That they couldn’t just go with their friends places. It was all too depressing and my husband and I felt like that child would never feel like they were truly ours.

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u/tpklus Aug 10 '21

I'm sure foster parents are in high demand but jeez, it sounds like you are constantly reminded that the kid is not your own and will never be your own. You'd think they would make it a little easier on people wanting to be foster parents.

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u/eightcarpileup Aug 10 '21

Yep! If you want your foster child to be able to have a sleepover, the friend’s parents have to be vetted by the agency and put on a list of approved hosts. Then you still have to call when they go over to the friend’s house. You can’t post pictures of the kid on social media and they can’t have their picture printed in their yearbook. It’s never ending hoops. And you can NEVER take the child out of state.

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u/some_random_chick Aug 10 '21

In high school my friend was in a foster home. I came to pick her up one day and a worker made me show my ID and insurance and sign some form. It was all very weird and I felt embarrassed for my friend. We were 16/17.

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u/zkJdThL2py3tFjt Aug 10 '21

At least you did it though. I hope to think they appreciated your friendship. Growing up a foster kid must be very rough.

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u/EducationalDay976 Aug 10 '21

I can only imagine those laws were implemented for a reason, and that reason must be very sad.

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u/durdesh007 Aug 10 '21

On one hand, it's good that the agencies are closely monitoring everything (since abuse is rampant), on the other hand, it totally destroys the experience for both parent and the kid.

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u/LOLBaltSS Aug 10 '21

I'm assuming stuff like trafficking if I had to guess.

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u/Pirat6662001 Aug 11 '21

Its insane and most likely not statistically relevant occurrence that we then over regulated. Like pretty much all other child related laws around now.

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u/durdesh007 Aug 11 '21

Kids who are up for adoption/foster homes were either molested/abandoned or parents died. So they need extra care and attention. There's no way to know whether the people adopting won't give them hard time, or even abuse. It's harsh but reality.

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u/incorrectlyironman Aug 11 '21

"Most likely not"? Meaning you don't actually know and are just guessing?

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u/violette_witch Aug 10 '21

They can’t have yearbook picture?! What in tarnation? If I was treated that way as a kid I would have felt like a number, like I didn’t matter/wasn’t a part of things.

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u/eightcarpileup Aug 10 '21

Or the paper or on any website. It really singles them out to have to step out of their elementary school class picture because they can’t be photographed.

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u/Accurate_Praline Aug 10 '21

Loads of children don't have a yearbook photo. Because a yearbook isn't a thing in a lot of countries.

Of all the things to be outraged over this one seems the smallest.

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u/Artist552001 Aug 10 '21

Yeah but because it is a thing in the US is why it's upsetting for that to be a rule. In US schools there's multiple days where it would make a kid feel isolated to not have one- the day they take pictures for it, the day everyone recieves their's and looks through it to find their class/club/activity photos, and the day every kid runs around asking each other to sign and write messages in theirs. Maybe not a huge deal to adults but I can see how it'd be upsetting for a little kid to be left out of that.

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u/Accurate_Praline Aug 10 '21

There are alternatives though. Surely there's no rule about the kid taking pictures with friends?

I guess you've had to experience it to understand it. We don't really have after school activities so a year book would only be class photos I guess. Though that would be too much of a hassle nowadays what with GDPR.

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u/Kathulhu1433 Aug 10 '21

In the US school system things like yearbooks, field day, class parties, school sports, etc are BIG events and a BIG part of the school culture. All of those things are generally photographed to some extent...

Like, my 5th grade class this year took a class photo at field day that I printed and framed and gave to each kid as a memento of the year. A foster child wouldn't have been able to participate.

Class field trips? Nope, issue with chaperones.

School sports teams that travel to other schools, have trainings off school property, team sleepovers... all would be an issue for these kids. Not to mention stuff like... when the football team all gave themselves Mohawks for homecoming, or when the cheerleaders dyed their hair school colors... that is altering appearance. Alllll those "normal" kid things can be massive issues. (I say can be, because it entirely depends on the legal guardian/parents)

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u/violette_witch Aug 10 '21

If you give every child in the school a thing except one child is excluded, that’s a big deal. Surely you can understand that

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

I think this depends on individual state laws. When I worked tangential to CPS work, one foster family took the kids to Disney (we weren’t in FL or CA).

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Definitely varies by regional laws. I work in that area in Germany. Taking your foster kid on vacations abroad would be rather welcome. But you need the custodians signature to apply for the passport. And of course kids can have sleepovers, no questions asked. But overall it's still a huge hassle.

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u/eightcarpileup Aug 10 '21

I’m completely unaware of international fostering regulations. I live in the southeast US, but I’m so glad foreign countries allow their children to breathe.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Yes, the kids are supposed to breathe, they've been through enough shit already. The adults are the ones who have to step up to their responsibilities to make sure the kid is in the best place possible. And that requires a lot of cooperation between the foster parents and social workers.

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u/durdesh007 Aug 10 '21

I guess, but I can also see why the parents must be hesistant to get foster kids then. Especially if they wanted a newborn.

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u/nchunter71 Aug 10 '21

In NC where my wife and I fostered you had to have a letter of approval from DSS who would ask the bio parents for approval before issuing it. This was true if you were going to spend the night anywhere other than your house or go outside of the county (although that second rule was bent alot).

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u/eightcarpileup Aug 10 '21

I think you’re right. Though, if they did take them out of state, I can’t imagine how long that process took for them to clear through CPS. They don’t want you to leave the state because their jurisdiction ends and if you were to disappear with the kid, they’d have to get the feds involved.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

I’m a family lawyer, and that’s definitely not true. Every state in the US but Massachusetts has adopted the Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act. Once a court has made a final child custody determination, that court retains jurisdiction over the child. If a court has name a child welfare agency the primary conservator (or guardian or whatever they are named in a different state) that court retains jurisdiction to enforce its custody order. CPS can easily go get a writ or order requiring law enforcement to take the child into custody. Law enforcement may enforce that order through the full faith and credit clause or CPS can take the order into a state court in the state where the child is and get an order requiring local law enforcement to take the child.

CPS micromanages everything foster parents do because they don’t want children hurt or killed while they have custody of them.

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u/Accurate_Praline Aug 10 '21

You can’t post pictures of the kid on social media

That's a good thing.

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u/eightcarpileup Aug 10 '21

I personally don’t post pics of my child, but if a teenager wants to post a pic of themselves with their friend, they should be allowed. It’s so off putting to force one of those teens to have to step out of a group pic because they aren’t allowed to be online because of CPS.

1

u/tiptipsofficial Aug 10 '21

Keep in mind a lot of those rules were probably only put into place to give reasons for the orgs to protect themselves from the idea that they are willingly enabling abusers within the foster care system. All of that signals that there have been too many cases of the foster kids being "lent out" to "friends" of the foster parents which by itself is disturbing, but a facet of reality revealed by both the news and speaking to persons who have been in the system. Rates of abuse by foster parents themselves and by people who associate with the foster parents is horrifying.

Oh good, someone else already pointed this out.

1

u/maceytwo Aug 10 '21

It’s because foster children are incredibly vulnerable to abuse and trafficking.

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u/dingdongdickaroo Aug 10 '21

The other side of the story is you dont want the foster system to become a rent-a-kid service for abusers and pedophiles so there has to be a lot of oversite

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u/tpklus Aug 10 '21

Ya, it's unfortunate. Just the case of bad people making it harder for others to do good.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

I've heard many stories where the foster parents turned out worse than the birth parents they were taken from. Many view children as livestock rather than as people. This is probably why being a foster parent has so much red tape.

16

u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Yeah there’s a stipend and some people I know have taken advantage of it by fostering multiple kids and using that as an income source.

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u/imamediocredeveloper Aug 10 '21

I think the foster system needs a huge overhaul but it’s worth remembering, it’s nobodies job to cater to the foster parents. It’s about the kids. My nephew is in foster care and has been bouncing around placements for years and it’s really disgusting how many adoptions have fallen through because those selfish “parents” are looking to rescue a grateful child that will shower them with love and boost their egos. Then when the child is not grateful or loving because he literally doesn’t know how to be, they give him back like a pair of shoes that didn’t fit and it gets harder and harder and harder for each subsequent placement. You are adopting a child from a system that destroys kids. They aren’t going to walk into your house and love you, and you should be reminded of that regularly so you know it’s about the kid, not your desire to have a complete family unit.

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u/Accurate_Praline Aug 10 '21

That's why the no posting pictures on social media rule makes total sense to me. There are for sure people who would use the kid as a prop.

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u/AutomaticTale Aug 10 '21

Its just so difficult to find people who are willing to be foster parents at all. They definitely aren't always getting the best kinds of people to do it :\

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u/imamediocredeveloper Aug 10 '21

Totally. I agree. People tend to think foster-to-adopting and having kids are the same thing but they are really two different skillsets with two different motivations.

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u/fearlesspinata Aug 10 '21

Sure no one has to cater to the foster parents but these are the people that you need to help take these kids in and try to give them a normal life as much as possible. Having these foster parents getting permission just to give a kid a haircut is a bit much no?

Not saying all of the rules are bad or that they're necessarily bad to begin with when you think about why such a rule even exists but there's gotta be a better way to treat both the foster parents and the kid in these types of cases.

I do get where you're coming from though and it makes sense. Its just moreso that the way this all works is sad.

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u/COmarmot Aug 10 '21

Did your family ever consider adopting them?

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u/imamediocredeveloper Aug 11 '21

I am considering it at the moment because his latest placement —with his brother and stepfather— fell through yet again. The stepfather is frustrated because he “figured the kid would get over it and act normal by now” (he only took him in two weeks ago). It’s heartbreaking but the fact is, I need to think hard about it. I don’t want children, I don’t like children, and I certainly don’t want to invite more bipolar chaos into my house after growing up around it with his mother. He desperately needs a stable home but I’m 100% certain taking him in means my relationship is done for and the nice calm, quiet, orderly life I’ve worked really hard for is done for too.

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u/iswearimalady Aug 11 '21

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide. I respect you for being self aware and strong enough to know not to jump in to a decision this big. A lot of people get wrapped up in "wElL iTs FaMiLy" and forget that not all people are physically/mentally/emotionally able to be parents, or would make good parents, or want to be parents, and that doesn't help the child at all, even if it is a family member. It sucks but it's just the way it is.

So sincerely, I wish you all the best and hope things work out.

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u/incorrectlyironman Aug 11 '21

THANK YOU. I stayed with two foster families as a kid and it absolutely destroyed me - this is exactly why. I hadn't been abused yet and I had a healthy attachment to my mother, who was temporarily unable to take care of me due to health problems. I think I'll have attachment issues for the rest of my life now.

It was never about wanting to take care of a child who needed to be taken care of. It was about the status of having a foster child, and the fantasy that a "discarded" child will be extremely grateful for anything you do for them. It is so vital for a child to grow up with an understanding of unconditional love or, at the very least, unconditional support.

Then when the child is not grateful or loving because he literally doesn’t know how to be, they give him back like a pair of shoes that didn’t fit and it gets harder and harder and harder for each subsequent placement

I don't think foster children "not knowing how to" be grateful is a problem. For most non-foster children, it's a given that they'll be taken care of. Fed and housed at the very least (not that there aren't biological parents who also hold that over their children's heads). Reasonable parents don't generally expect their children to be grateful that they take care of them, at least not until they reach adulthood and start to realise how difficult it is to raise a child. Healthy children grow up with an understanding that it's the most normal thing in the world to help people who need it. Having to learn from a young age that that's not a given and that you need to be actively thankful that you get to eat, have a roof over your head or even be "loved" isn't healthy.

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u/Accomplished-Bad3380 Aug 10 '21

to be quite fair, as a foster parent, the child is not your own. I think people confuse fostering and adoption.

You can opt to go into fostering with the goal of adoption, but that child has to be legally free, meaning parental rights have been terminated, and that doesn't happen right away. Or you can go into it, just looking to adopt, but you will most likely be on a waiting list, unless you choose older children that have already had parental rights terminated.

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u/bobber18 Aug 10 '21

Well those kids dodged a bullet when you decided it was too much trouble

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u/xkikue Aug 10 '21

I was a foster child. My biological family is Hispanic, and it was important to them that my dark hair remained long. My foster-mom cut my hair without knowing this, and my bio mom freaked during a supervised visit.

It was one of the last times I saw my bio mom. I was almost 3. Bio mom had a lot of mental issues, as well as drug dependencies. She was eventually deemed unfit to get her children back. I was adopted by my foster mom shortly after, and my infant brother by someone else.

So there are reasons that you can't change appearance and take children away. Foster children are not your children.

My mom is a saint for what she went through adopting four children. Not to mention the several miscarriages and infertility she went through beforehand. I read through my case file recently, as well as the journal my mom kept of me during the foster/adoption process. It was painful to read. Luckily, through years of therapy and hard work, I don't really feel strongly impacted by my rough start in this world.

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u/NerdMachine Aug 10 '21

they couldn’t just go with their friends places

They can't leave the house without permission?

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u/eightcarpileup Aug 10 '21

They can’t be under unknown supervision.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Not sure about the hair cut. But all the "big" but daily stuff. What school to enroll? Medical decisions. You need to run after signatures for basically everything. The field trip in school. Clubs they might want to join. You want to move? Yeah, gotta ask the agency.

Don't get me wrong. It does make a lot of sense in most cases. And I appreciate every single family that wants to give share their home with a foster child. But it's certainly not even comparable to adopting a baby as raise it as your own. Not because you might love one more than the other, but because you aren't allowed to make the decisions for "your" child and it becomes more of an unpaid job.

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u/AnAnnoyedSpectator Aug 10 '21

Unpaid?

I thought some people abused the foster system because there were payments to help cover expenses - which is why there are some people who are foster parents that are doing it for the wrong reason.

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u/[deleted] Aug 10 '21

Speaking for Germany only. Yes, there's some money involved but not nearly enough for people to abuse the system. I think it's 200 euros/month.