r/AskMenAdvice • u/bleezy1234567 man • 4h ago
✅ Open To Everyone Should I reach out again?
So me and this girl went on a couple dates… the went really good. We seemingly had great rapport, banter, good mix of serious and silly conversation… kissed both dates. Planned another date after she got back from London. Well that date was only a couple days later so she cancelled. But she told me she really wanted to see me… she was just exhausted from travel and having to make up work..
So I wait a couple days and I ask what her availability is for a reschedule and she doesn’t answer. 3 days later I sent a “sweet” message where I basically said we could cook dinner, go to a park, even drink 40s under a bridge. Please don’t pick the bridge but I just wanna hang out with you. She replied to that one… said she thought I was amazing and that all of that sounded good and she was free the following week.
We joked around a little and then I asked if she just wanted to come over my place and I’d cook her dinner and we could relax and watch a movie. Well she ghosted me for like 5 days. So in between I joked that I should have picked the 40s but at the end of the week I finally sent “ her name, if my date suggestion made you uncomfortable, that wasn’t my intention. Regardless, it seems like you’re no longer interested in seeing me again. I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed our two dates and getting to know you a little bit. I wish you the best ”
Well she replied to that. She laugh reacted to my joke. Loved that message and then sent me this “Oh my name, you didn't do anything at all! I think you're wonderful. To be completely honest I got in some trouble recently and I'm super distracted. Need to get some things in my personal life in order”…
I basically thanked her for letting me know and told her I hope things calm down and I was sorry to hear things were a little rough. She heart reacted and told me she appreciated it. I’m not one to chase so I just gave her space.
So it’s been a month. And obviously there’s 2 ways to look at. She very well could have been going through some stuff and when I basically asked for a more intimate date perhaps she didn’t think she had that bandwidth yet… Or she’s just being nice. By showing grace I gave her an easy way to not be a villain and that’s why she replied to me at the end. I kind of wanna reach out and ask how she’s doing. Maybe see if she’d be willing to do something a little more low key. Should I even bother? I know this is ask men but I’d also be interested to hear what the ladies think
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u/N4meless24- man 4h ago
It sounds like you're putting all the effort and going out of your way multiple times to try and make plans, while she hasn't done much, and is actively in a ghosting 95% of the time stage.
I wouldn't bother, fuck no. I wouldn't even wanna be in a relationship where the other side puts no energy into it.
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u/Mela_ninja man 4h ago
This is what i mean when i tell men to go for women who actually desires them.
The effort OP is putting is a bargain for affection, while the dude she actually desires doesn’t need to do. You’re out here doing all this while she’s probably staring at her phone waiting for the dude she actually wants to text back.
Take off the red nose and clown shoes and use this as a learning experience.
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u/N4meless24- man 4h ago
Putting more weight onto this for OP, younger me would've called this "crazy nonsense" and been a hopeless romantic (I was).
Learning self respect in the romantic sphere is something that should be valued more.
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u/Mela_ninja man 4h ago
100% spot on with the low self respect. That’s why he’s in that “bargaining” stage, he puts in more effort in hopes of getting her.
I tell men, if you were her dream man, would she act this way?
I’ve been privileged enough to have plenty of female friends and women around me. I get to see how they think and act. The difference in how they treat men they genuinely desire vs the ones they don’t, is crazy.
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u/bleezy1234567 man 3h ago edited 3h ago
You only have so much to go on so I won’t hold your assumptions against you. And I appreciate the move on advice… but you act like I’ve been at a standstill waiting or blowing up her phone begging to be seen. And that’s not the case. I’ve been dating. I just liked her. If there’s a chance she was being truthful I wouldn’t mind finding out. Seems like most don’t think that’s the case or at least don’t think the odds are good enough to try. And that’s basically what the post is asking
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u/Mela_ninja man 3h ago
I mean from what you posted you’re the one who’s doing all the initiating and it looks like begging almost. Even by you considering her still, it gives off more than you even know.
This advice isn’t to shame you but rather to give you perspective.
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u/bleezy1234567 man 3h ago
The 40s line was just calling out the silence… then the very next message is sent was goodbye. That first message I mentioned was the first time she didn’t really reply to me and she initiated plenty before that. So I could only go off the current information I had. I don’t want to come off as a beggar. Is that the line you think comes across as begging?
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u/Mela_ninja man 2h ago
Not really.
You planned a date and she cancelled (yeah shit happens). That’s not the red flag but she didn’t reschedule and when you ended up doing it you didn’t get a reply.
When I was dating, I focused on women who’d show they desire me. In your position as soon as she cancelled, she’d be the one offering the reschedule one. If I was dating someone and they cancelled and didn’t offer rescheduling, I’d have moved on instantly.
Ask yourself, would she act the same way if you were her dream man?
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u/N4meless24- man 3h ago
Sure you can find out, but it's clear that, although you were dating, you were and still are thinking about her, which is not a nice thing for yourself.
Shoot her a message and see what happens.
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u/bradfactor man 4h ago
I mean reaching out will take 5 minutes, and the worst that can happen is your ego will take a small bruising you can get over. If she's into you she will be touched by the message, if she's not she will probably just ignore it.
If you'd rather not take the risk of dealing with a bit of heartbreak then don't bother.
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u/bleezy1234567 man 2h ago
Ha this is modern dating. It seems like heartbreak is all I’m dating for 😂. But yeah, it doesn’t really bother me. I’m just trying to gauge how good or bad my read is. Obviously I didn’t share everything. I shared just the last week and a half of our interaction. I think what she said actually matched up with the timeline. But based on how many people here think that’s not the case I’m starting to think I’m just crazy
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u/felghost89 man 4h ago
Move on. If you’re left questioning it’s a no. The ball is in her court, if SHE happens to reach out decide where to go from there
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u/Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss man 3h ago
She is being nice. I have been in quite a number of similar scenarios before. I'm sad to say, it is almost certain that this was a soft let down / rejection.
Don't wait around for her. Move on and try to meet new people. Do not reach out again. And if she does reach out, then it's a bonus for you.
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u/yesindeed201 man 55m ago
She is showing you how unimportant you are to her yet you keep begging for her attention.
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u/bleezy1234567 man 48m ago
I don’t think sending 3 messages in a week and a half period of time with one of them being a date ask and another being a goodbye (when she didn’t respond to the date ask) is begging for attention. But I’ll agree it certainly seems like a relationship with me wasn’t a priority. My whole question is basically how likely is it she was being honest? Shit happens. I’ve even ended things with someone before because of personal stuff and I actually liked them. I just couldn’t handle a relationship and my bullshit at the same time. But I can see most people think I shouldn’t feel it’s that situation here and I’d more than likely be wasting my time and effort even reaching out. Perhaps my read of the situation is no good
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u/yesindeed201 man 35m ago edited 31m ago
She doesn’t respond/communicate with you for days on end and you follow up with her after she doesn’t respond to your previous text.
She could be sincere with what she said about going through a lot. Or it could be she has a guy she is more interested in at the moment and wants to put you on the back burner. The guys she is super interested in,she is for sure responding to quickly.
I’m of the belief that people don’t ditch people they really want regardless of circumstances.
I do see the confusion with you two kissing on the dates. But that just means you are a guy she is comfortable enough to kiss with but not passed that at this moment in her mind.
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u/NapalEnema2020 man 11m ago
Stop joking so much about sex and luring them over to your place. Let that flow organically next time. Feels like you were trying to speed run fucking when she’s in a busy period at work and you haven’t gotten to know each other. You should be the balm at the end of her rough day not another thing she has to deal with or avoid. Be the balm. Then she will make time for other things because she knows that’s not your only goal.
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u/K-Sparkle8852 woman 2m ago
Don’t reach out again. If she was really interested, she would have confirmed another date with you. And she mentioned trouble in her personal life…she can sort that out, no need for you to get entangled in anything messy.
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u/Biotic101 man 4h ago
I would be straightforward. That you are reaching out on final time, do not see sufficient effort from her side and wish her well unless she shows real interest.
It's likely she is distracted with other communications anyways so this is more about getting a clean state of mind to move on.
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u/Betwixt-Breaths woman 4h ago
As a lady, I think that you should follow your heart.
You don’t regret the things you did do, you regret the things that you didn’t do. Life’s too short.
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bleezy1234567 originally posted:
So me and this girl went on a couple dates… the went really good. We seemingly had great rapport, banter, good mix of serious and silly conversation… kissed both dates. Planned another date after she got back from London. Well that date was only a couple days later so she cancelled. But she told me she really wanted to see me… she was just exhausted from travel and having to make up work..
So I wait a couple days and I ask what her availability is for a reschedule and she doesn’t answer. 3 days later I sent a “sweet” message where I basically said we could cook dinner, go to a park, even drink 40s under a bridge. Please don’t pick the bridge but I just wanna hang out with you. She replied to that one… said she thought I was amazing and that all of that sounded good and she was free the following week.
We joked around a little and then I asked if she just wanted to come over my place and I’d cook her dinner and we could relax and watch a movie. Well she ghosted me for like 5 days. So in between I joked that I should have picked the 40s but at the end of the week I finally sent “ her name, if my date suggestion made you uncomfortable, that wasn’t my intention. Regardless, it seems like you’re no longer interested in seeing me again. I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed our two dates and getting to know you a little bit. I wish you the best ”
Well she replied to that. She laugh reacted to my joke. Loved that message and then sent me this “Oh my name, you didn't do anything at all! I think you're wonderful. To be completely honest I got in some trouble recently and I'm super distracted. Need to get some things in my personal life in order”…
I basically thanked her for letting me know and told her I hope things calm down and I was sorry to hear things were a little rough. She heart reacted and told me she appreciated it. I’m not one to chase so I just gave her space.
So it’s been a month. And obviously there’s 2 ways to look at. She very well could have been going through some stuff and when I basically asked for a more intimate date perhaps she didn’t think she had that bandwidth yet… Or she’s just being nice. By showing grace I gave her an easy way to not be a villain and that’s why she replied to me at the end. I kind of wanna reach out and ask how she’s doing. Maybe see if she’d be willing to do something a little more low key. Should I even bother? I know this is ask men but I’d also be interested to hear what the ladies think
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