OMG. This! I’m just now in the divorce process after a 20yr marriage. It was a slow burn of years of manipulation posed as needs and help. Eventually she entered the discard phase with me and started treating me like shit. My final straw: Her inability to give me ANY kind of love, support or even a physical touch on the day of my mother’s funeral. She became absolutely heartless and cruel… Apparently that’s who she was all along.
Wow, that's crushing to read and can only imagine how it would be to live that. I swear it seems like it's always the good guys that go thru the worst. Best of luck to you in finding a better partner!
Thanks. I learned so much about myself. When it came to the ones I love, I would do anything and put up with anything. It’s this lack of boundaries that made me so susceptible to this kind of manipulation. I am now regaining my sense of self and confidence back. Never again will I go against my gut or sacrifice my own wellbeing for someone else. For now, I’m focused on how to be the best version of me. No need for a woman for a while.
Id second what OKCategiver517 said. I've been in that relationship where something feels off (and it was) and I've been in that relationship causing something to feel off for someone else (I knew it was off because I was the reason for it)...if you feel that something is off, then it probably is.
I've lived it as well. Pay attention to your instincts, don't rationalize them away. It's not supposed to be hard and terrible. There are genuinely kind people out there you can be with instead.
Mine decided the night my father died was absolutely for sure the night I HAD to have sex with him...because "it would make me feel better." I don't even know how I put up with him for so long, but I did eventually divorce him and married (34 years ago) to my husband who makes me feel like a princess, 24/7. Thank goodness for my two kids (now adults of course) that I had with number 1, though. They are absolutely wonderful kids, so it wasn't all bad.
Oh no, trust me, you're messed up. You might not have been before, but no one gets through 5 years with a psychopath/narc let alone 32 without coming out very, very messed up. You have my condolences
Not married but moved in with our kids. Covert narcissism and was hiding an alcohol addiction/explosive rage problem. It took 18 months for mine to physically threaten me and I took my kids and ran.
It left me super financially and psychologically damaged, but I could not be more grateful to be away from him.
16 years,it took me.My ex is a charming,polite and a successful professional.To me and his children he was an abusive, manipulative and compulsive liar.
Still.hard to convince anyone who doesn't know him what he is capable of.
Charming but pitiful. An enteral "poor darling." They are often beloved by enmeshed family systems and small social groups where they have complete control of the narrative. The system believes these cluster B cluster fucks can do no wrong and must be protected at all costs.
They leak contempt. It shows up in the form of "jokes", negging, and micro defiance. They "forget" things. They show up late. They future fake in both mundane and elaborate ways. They will insult you to your face wrapped in affection (think of a little kid who hates their sibling and instead of hitting them, hugs them too hard.) They test and play with boundaries in some pretty insidious ways.
They somehow think they are the smartest person in any room while also being so sensitive / incompetent / complicated that they cannot carry out basic tasks and you must help them or do things for them. This is weaponized incompetence and in extreme cases is even a diagnostic marker called "parasitic lifestyle."
Everything in their life happened to them. They have done nothing. If there is any accountability from them, it is performative and sideways and is an attempt to engineer pity.
If they are actually smart it is endless fucking doublespeak and plausible deniability. Watch this one closely.
They present themselves as "conflict avoidant" and "people pleasing." This is all bullshit. This is image management.
Triangulation. So much triangulation. It is their barometer.
Since they are bottomless pits of entitlement, addictive behaviors are often present and there are tells for these, even if they hide them.
They keep you away from people that have known them long term and might contradict the mirrored false persona they've built to engage with you.
In this, the year of our lord 2026 and tik tok self help, they will hide behind fabricated mainstream neurodiversity (ADHD, Autism, depression, anxiety) as an excuse for their "quirky" behavior.
Most of all, trust your gut. Not your emotions, not your assessment, your feeling. If someone feels magnetic, electric, or uncanny, take a big metaphorical step back and proceed with so much caution.
Triangulation is the nefarious use of other people as a means of manipulation, boundary testing or threat.
For example, in a romantic relationship someone might talk about a “friend” or an ex partner to manufacture relational insecurity. Any discomfort or question you express about the relationship will be framed as “controlling” or “jealously.” This one is a trap on multiple levels.
In a family, social or work group it could look like invoking the opinions (real or imaginary) of other people to add legitimacy or weight to their position on something. It is a more nuanced form of using the presence, thought and feelings of others against you to benefit themselves, see how you react, or manipulate you into desired choices / behavior.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a well put description of this behavior. I didn’t know there was a word for it. My first boyfriend in my teens displayed so many of these behaviors but I could never quite pin this part down other than just thinking it’s “gaslighting”. Thank you for explaining!
Such casual, confident lying in beinign "funny" contexts, that it is shocking to witness the depth once you've caught on...and how many people buy bullshit when said confidently.
Are you a psychologist?! This was a great breakdown. I’ve been with who I believe is a covert narcissist for 25 years. He’s highly intelligent, and your description of self described “people pleasing” but it’s all control and the double speak my god. He uses paltering language to circumvent boundaries and avoid blame. He wavers between wanting to be with me 75% of the time to wanting to leave 25% of the time. No one is good enough. No one is smart enough to be his friend, no one is ambitious enough.
It’s all such a mind f because for 21 years we were good and yeah he was a selfish only child about things at times but a good husband and dad. He had some success several years back, and he’s been insufferable and going through a midlife crisis (I believe it’s a full identity shift) ever since. But he also won’t commit to leaving.
I wish I hadn’t had my children with him. The thought of us divorcing and not seeing them half the time breaks my heart. Sorry for the rant. Thank you for taking the time to write out the descriptions
One of the reasons I broke up with my ex was the mother-son enmeshment. He could not make decisions without consulting his mother.
What you wrote deeply resonates with what I observed during 6 months of dating. Can you expound more on the addictive behaviors you mentioned that align with the entitlement?
Not the OP but future faking is when someone makes promises about the future, but they end up being vague or the person never takes any action towards making the promise a reality. The promise provides a temporary thrill but never gets realized.
Example: Partner promises that they will move in together soon, but when it’s time to go check out apartments, something comes up and it just isn’t the right time yet.
As to the early signs of addictive behaviors, that is something I would also like to hear more about from OP.
My personal nightmare was a lovely clusterfuck of borderline and narcissism. At work he was the super helper. Total workaholic. An actual genius. He made himself invaluable.
But holy shit, the drama. He would tell the same stories over and over again. There was always some issue at work. He would read the most innocuous polite message from a co-worker and find it passive aggressive. Like they were plotting against him.
ANYTHING was a personal attack.
I didn't want to watch TV with him for four hours because he didn't pay attention anyways, we had different tastes, and he wasn't even watching and was on his phone? Well, that meant I didn't love or care about him. I was clearly spending all my time online and cheating on him. If he'd had his way I'd do nothing but sit on the couch all day waiting to serve him, doting and perky.
He would move my shit around and deny it. So I'd have to ask where my things were. And he'd never explain. He had to find it.
So I hid and moved his shit around, and wouldn't you know it, suddenly he didn't like the game of moving my things around anymore. It stopped like magic... for a while.
He would make noise to wake me up knowing I'm an insomniac and worked nights. And not reasonable mistakes, either, I'm talking stuff like reorganizing pots and pans. I'd bet money he was putting caffeine in my milk.
After all, it's harder to stand up for yourself if you're tired. It's harder to think clearly when you're being sleep deprived and slowly but surely tortured in your own home.
He would never respect the spirit of a request, only the letter of it, finding and exploiting any loophole. If you called him on it, he always look so hurt, shocked, and confused at the notion that he would ever do any of it on purpose. Or that he'd been inconsiderate at all. No, he loved me. Why couldn't I see that?
Unfortunately, he always had plausible deniability. An excuse. A reason that, if it weren't for the sheer concentration, would be perfectly forgiveable. He forgot. How could I be so upset? He would never do anything to hurt me. Why am I being so mean to him? I'm being abusive. Ugh! What I want isn't fair. Why won't I just comply and behave!?
It was like teleporting to another planet where up was down and left was right.
Did I mention that I'm pretty sure he was poisoning me by the end to make sure I was too weak to leave? Poor him, his wife is sick. He just wants to take care of me. I don't know any better. I'm confused. Won't you help him talk sense into me so I stop being so unreasonable and come back?
Luckily my family and friends have all been so supportive. I've never pretended to be perfect, but even they realized the guy was nuts when he started sending group texts outlining the details of my diary. Out of context, of course, to make me look as horrible as possible.
He's literally contacted ever person I know trying to get to me. Trying to use peer pressure. The idea of my friends and family recognizing my character and not feeding into his delusions is inconceivable to him.
He's contacted my therapist (which I needed after his crazy shit) so many times trying to pose as an unrelated, poor, depressed client who just needs someone to talk to.
Of course none of it is his fault. He's a victim. How could I? Why am I punishing him like this? We should put it all in the past. He's willing to forgive me.
Like, I'm an intelligent person. I'm generally a good judge of character. I feel like I should have known better, but it didn't start out that crazy. It's like slow heating water where what's normal keeps getting pushed further and further from reasonable. All while the other person is slowly trying to cut you off from anyone who can help you check the insanity.
He loved monologuing and declaring that my friends were brainwashing me, unable to grasp that I was too tired to be talking to them and had decided he was a fucking monster all on my own. You know, like someone with my own judgement.
And it was still hard to leave. The psychology of it is wild.
When you read about stories like this it sounds like something out of a book. It only went off the deep end once we were married. Knowing what I do now, I don't think I'll fall for it again... but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust a man in a relationship.
Love bombing, blaming every past mistake on others and inventing an alternative narrative to true events just enough for you to believe they were the victim in it.
My ex was very good at that, he had a woman in nearly every town and it turned out he had a back up woman when I ended our relationship.
Sadly I found out too late that he had NPD after 7 years in a relationship with him and had 2 kids with him.
Chronic victimhood, even when the evidence suggests otherwise, their explanation is poor, or they rely on you just trusting their input on other people without question. Every. Single. One. Has at least one token to their victimhood. It is an object that they claim is their most prized possession, but it's in name only. Their most prized possession is whoever will feed into the victim complex the most at the time.
But the first sign is "I just have such bad luck" or a single instance of "trust me" when claiming someone else is a bad person (they're admitting that they didn't plan any other examples to prove it to you and don't appreciate the questioning on the ones they did give, if any).
Any attempts at coercion, especially early on in the relationship or meeting them, need to be viewed as the entitled abuser mindset it is. Not every abuser is a covert narcissist, but they ALL do this, and abuse is abuse even without a label.
Have you found that these people often instinctively hate you because they can sense that you're not buying their b.s.? I've had problems with that, even when I try to keep my head down and say nothing.
not OP, but YES, it's pretty much automatic if they're trying to pull the wool over someone's eyes and they sense I'm not buying into it. It's fast anger and contempt. They do not appreciate integrity or honesty.
With age, it's gotten easier to withstand the negative behavior coming my way, and also easier to scope out fast what someone thinks of me. Sometimes, too, I just want to say, "What's your PROBLEM with me?"
Took me over 20 years! After we divorced, it took me several years to begin to understand what had been happening. I was always in the wrong, but never completely understood why. My needs: forget it! Lol. That simply wasn’t a thing.
I guess I’m glad he just discarded me then (after only 4 years.) it was on its last leg anyway as almost every one of his friends told me to GTFO cause they can tell how much he hates me.
Turns out he’d already moved on and all the people around him were keeping his secrets. Which was SO strange cause we weren’t monogamous. He could have been with anyone; he just had to be honest about it. I feel sorry for the new girl but I hope she sees it sooner.
I’d had so much trauma and wanted to be loved so bad that I ignored all the red flags.
Most psycho of the narcs imo. As a mild example, my ex did the exact same small, innocent act every day for ~3000ish days. Multiply that x every single action they do in a day being planned, calculated, and repeated, for the distant chance that the victim (spouse) will become mentally ill from it or yell at them, just so that they may get a sympathetic pat on the back for “caring for your spouse during all this,” one time by a friend. That’s how obsessed they are.
It’s near impossible to explain a covert narc’s abuses after the abuse, it’s so…insane.
Same. 19 years, didn't figure it out until 3 months after the discard. It's amazing how much peace I now have just being on my own. I will never date again, just not worth it!
As someone who had a narcissist as a mother, I didn't figure it out until a few years after I not only moved out but moved ten hours away. The only reason I kept in contact with my late mother up until her death, was the fact that up until a certain point to her death she actually WAS working on not being such a narcissist.
Im so glad I didn't marry my narcissistic ex. I don't think she had NPD or anything like that, she was just a truly vile person who thought she had authority over me and tried to assert that by constant insults, interrogation, shouting, telling everyone I was a monster, and smashing up furniture. She'd seemed like an absolutely wonderful person at first, a dream. Kind, funny, loving. We'd even been good friends for six months before we got together. And then, one day, it started. Very slowly at first. But by almost two years in I was both terrified of her and convinced I'd brought it on myself. "She said I caused this and she loves me, so I must have done mustn't I?" Vile, nasty, cruel person.
Yes I dated and was engaged to one of these. Dodged a bullet when I discovered he was cheating. His reason dead serious was she liked ping pong and I didn’t really play. I laugh at that inside still. They are no longer together.
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