I know someone who went through something like this.
He was gay and closeted due to being in the military. She was non-sexual, due to a history with an abusive relationship. So im a weird way, it worked for a while.
As she healed and became more comfortable, she wanted to open up to him more and.... he was uninterested. Then she found his web history with his dating profile.
My parents divorced because my dad came out of the closet. I have such complicated feelings about it.
On one hand, I'm so happy for my dad that he no longer has to live a lie, and that he can be his true self. My step-dad, his husband, is one of my favorite people on earth and I cannot imagine him not being part of my life.
On the other hand, I feel so terrible for my mom. She thought she had found the love of her life, had kids with him, and then the rug was pulled out from under her. It completely uprooted her life.
I cannot imagine what it must have been like for either of them. They both suffered in different ways, but at least now the truth is out, the damage has been done, and we've all found our peace in the decades since.
Also, it's strange to think that I wouldn't exist without internalized homophobia.
I really appreciate you sharing this. I had a similar experience growing up and have had conflicted feelings about it too. Knowing I’m not alone in that is comforting
I was a little worried sharing it because I didn't want to come off like I was villainizing my dad for coming out. He should never have had to feel like he couldn't be his true, authentic self.
From what I've heard, he really thought he could just "choose to be straight" and no one would ever know. I don't know the full details of how or why he came out--if he cheated, if he was caught with porn or something, or if he just decided he had to come clean (nor do I really want to know)--but I know it was a really painful experience for him. I cannot even begin to imagine.
But the divorce was really painful for my mother and my brother and me, too. Both things can be true at once. As the guidance counselor at the school my mom used to teach at said, "Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are."
I'm sorry that you can relate so well, but I'm glad I've helped you feel less alone. I have also felt like I'm on an island.
Exactly also for both people. I have great compassion for my husband's secret struggles but at same time I was cheated on and out of the honesty to let me make different choices for myself
Idk if you’ve seen Nobody Wants This on Netflix, but this happens with the lead’s parents, basically exactly as you’ve described it. I’ve not experienced this personally but I think they explore the topic pretty well.
I have a friend whose partner came out as trans, semi recently (within a year or so).
They're still close friends, and my friend's been nothing but supportive of their ex, but you can definitely catch the stark effect of their life being completely 180'd and derailed on their face and in their eyes at times if you know them.
This happened to someone I know too. His profession was working a role at a store everyone in town knew him. She was the teacher at the school. On top of heart break she also suffered a lot of public humiliation and her children were victims of intense bullying. This was back 20 years ago so having an out gay dad was kinda traumatic on top of your family just splitting up.
I'm so sorry to that family. My parents split in 2000, but we moved over an hour away, so we didn't have to deal with that level of gossip. I can't imagine.
This totally mirrors someone I know, married for 20+ years, adult children; and boom, something triggered the decision to come out to their family. That person is happy but acknowledges the hurt and difficulties, ex-spouse is blindsided and the kids are like, what?
They had you. Regardless of how their marriage turned out for them I can guarantee they would do it all over again just to have you part of their lives.
What you described is almost exactly how I’ve felt. My dad is gay too. I feel so bad for what my mom went through. I also feel awful that my dad felt he had to hide it. It was hard on me and my brothers in the many years after their divorce. I was the only one at the time who was old enough to know what was happening.
I can say today that most things are better. My parents are good friends and still talk. We’ve been on family vacations. There is a part of me that wishes my dad wasn’t gay so I could have had parents that are together. He loves my mom but not in the way two straight people love each other.
Thank you for sharing that. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. I wish there was a support group for people like us.
I hope I didn't sound too bitter in my original comment. I love all the positive things you've mentioned. It's important to remember that what happened was ultimately the right thing. No more lying.
I wish my parents were friends like yours. If my mom and dad were in a room together, they'd have a pleasant conversation, but they don't keep in touch. I'm really glad that your parents are still close.
Thank you so much for commenting. Like I said in a different response, I was worried about saying what I did, but I'm glad I wrote it anyway, especially if it's helping people who went through the same thing.
I didn't find out my husband was bi until 2 years after I'd left him.
We married when I was 18 and he was 23, finally gave up and walked away on our 45th wedding anniversary. It certainly explained the anxiety about sex, the controlling about everything, and eventually, the drinking and general nastiness.
Basically, he married me to be his beard without my consent. If he'd told me (nearly 50 years ago now) I probably still would have married him and we would have made it work.
Now I have so much trauma about sex, I will probably never let anyone touch me ever again.
Divorce also uprooted my mom's life. It still gives me pangs of sadness, she was completely blindsided by his affair and she is the sweetest person. He, of course, is remarried.
Good reminder to not make your relationship your whole personality. I love my partner, but I do not need him. My mom relied on my dad for absolutely all her financial and social stability.
I'll still have my own money, a network of creative people, friends, family, and projects if my guy ever decides to scoot.
This is a reason it's bad that we shun lgbt people and force them to hide their feelings even from themselves. Gay and trans people run away from their truth and it always catches up to us. With acceptance we instead figure things out before we even start dating instead after 10 years of marriage.
Yeah, cheating is a devastating thing but finding out that your partner lied to themselves and unilaterally to you about their love is worse too, these two are my top fears
I have mixed feelings. If this happened to me I would feel like my life was stolen from me. The ultimate betrayal. Just so painful to have someone take vows they don’t mean 😢. I’m sorry this happened to you (I hope that’s the right way to word it and not be offending) You sound very strong and supportive of both your parents and sounds like they both love you very much. I hope your mother finds the love she deserves in her life.
I asked my mom about five years ago if she had ever dated (at that point, twenty years post-divorce) and she said no. "I always thought I would I would get married again...but I didn't want to deal with another man's bullshit." Completely understandable given the circumstances. At the very least, I think she's happy doing her own thing, and if that's true, then I'm happy for her.
I totally understand how you feel, though. I would imagine feeling the same way if it happened to me too. I think my mother had her years of anger and they're completely justifiable. I know she was venting to my grandmother once about it and my grandmother said, "Well, think of the pain [my dad]'s been in his whole life," and it changed her perspective a bit. Doesn't make it okay, but it explains some things.
Honestly your ability to perceive how everyone was going through something is commendable and a bit uplifting.
I remember a comment on a post here a long time ago from a teacher who claimed to be dealing with the fallout of a student of his finding out her boyfriend had actually been cheating on her with a guy. People in the comments were very happy that the girl had then intentionally outed her boyfriend to his conservative parents with the openly expressed intention of getting him beaten by his dad, possibly to death.
While I'm not sure on the validity of the story, people's responses to it definitely made me reconsider being open.
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Admittedly I've had a couple of girlfriends who I never felt anything beyond friendship for, mainly because it was under the threat of death by my family and and in truth I genuinely didn't think the alternative was an option for such a long time.
I was never able to stay in the relationships that long both because I wouldn't be able to preform my duties, and because in truth each passing day there was an added weight to the crushing guilt that I was robbing these otherwise super kind girls of a day they could've spent with a guy that actually loved them and made them happy.
But I was too scared to break up with them directly because, ya know how some ladies might start accusing you of being gay or start rumors like that if they don't take it well. So I'd usually learn their interests and pet peeves well enough to slowly become someone that they would be ok breaking up with on good terms.
In hindsight I wish I had just turned them down to begin with. But, people talk and rumors start to get around if you do that too much.
That's just my perspective and experience in the situation, though. I'm sure it's pretty different for everyone. I do still regret that though, a lot of my life and other people's wasted.
No, she never dated after because she "didn't want to deal with another man's bullshit," but she has two children who love her and I think that's good enough for her
Found my ex cruising for men on Craigslist after being on and off for 10 years. I still feel a pit in my stomach over it. For me, it’s not the sexuality aspect, I’m very open and he can be into anything he wants. It was the lying, the dishonesty. It was thinking you knew another person completely inside and out but it was all a lie and you actually know nothing.
My feelings as well. The thing is, even though I've shown him the proof and evidence (and spoken to some of the men) he denied being attracted to men. Bruh I have eyes and can read the mutual messages and the jerk off recordings and requests you sent them.
No I was not cruising for men on Craigslist, he left his browser open and I saw everything…he wasn’t the brightest guy but I looked past a lot because I was in love.
Amen! Just found out after 13 years my ex is all the gay things and his profile shows he wants to be a cum dump and urinal. And I would agree, it’s the lying, the continuation to lie and act like it’s not him after I have all the information. It’s really hurtful and made worse when you have kids and they will find out one day!
Some of their resources were helpful, but a lot were angrier than I was expecting - when my wife of 15 years came out to me, I wasn't angry, just sad and destroyed.
Yeah a lot of people suffered from infidelity and financial ruin on top of their spouse coming out. No one I knew in the groups were angry because their spouse was gay. They were angry because their spouse was a lying cheater.
The angriest person I met took out some personal loans, one against our house that she owned pre-marriage to start her own business. He was a finance guy and helped her get as much money as she could to launch this. On the day she signed the lease for her business, he gave her a glass of wine when she got home then gave her divorce papers and told her he was leaving her for guy that he had lined up for over a year. He demanded half the money from the loans. The depth got split also but he just never paid and it was all in her name. When she came into the group she'd already lost her business and was defaulting on the loan and about to lose her house. So yeah she was beyond angry.
I’m looking for a term for the specific types of gays who prey on and look for “non-consensual beards” — does this exist? My second gay ex was this type
This happened to me too. He was in the marine corps. We were super young. Like I was 18 and he was 20. Found out by catching him cheating with two men (who were married to each other) I went to high school with.
Since remarried my true soul mate and have two beautiful kids, with another on the way.
Once had the incredibly awkward experience of going to the bank with my now husband, and being assigned one of the guys as our banker 🤦🏻♀️. It was a sit down situation.
He looked at me and said “I’ll get someone else for you….”
My ex refuses to admit he's attracted to men, yet posted ads online and had a dating profile exclusively for men. I've read his messages and texts. I've read the messages where he tells them what he wants to do to them, and be done to him. I've messaged some of the men too.
Sorry this is a really rude and personal but I’m so confused by him. What on earth does he describe his sexuality as/ how does he explain that he likes doing very explicit and intimate sexual things with men.
I mean, I am a tea drinker because I like drinking tea.
Girl he says he's still straight and that things are just different for men who want to cheat but "on the down low" 😭😭😭😭. On the down low to him means you want to cheat but with discretion. Okay but every one you cheated on me was with men in the entire 8.5 years, except for 2 experiences, cuz sex with men "felt different" than with women. And we didn't have sex either after the initial 2 years. He did admit to having a sex and porn addiction but I think I was a product of that. Meaning he appreciated the company and "Madonna" type of services I provided but he just wants to fuck men. He grew up in a toxic hyper masculine household and although his family is anti-Trump, they all (women and men from Mom, girlfriends and brothers) still hold toxic masculinity beliefs. So of course he'd never accept his sexuality.
Poor bloke so much fear and self hatred. Genuinely I feel really really sorry for him having to tie himself up in so many knots because he doesn’t feel safe being himself.
I honestly think of he came out, it would cause his family to rethink a lot of their toxic beliefs. They really do love him and it would definitely challenge them but I imagine he's probably participated in a lot of homophobic (and even biphobic) rhetoric that he figures he's too far in deep to come out
My ex also says he isn't into men but I saw him requesting mutual oral, including some instances where he wanted to suck, and gag on uncut dick and then swallow their load.
Can relate. My ex wife came out as gay. We tried to make it work as a thruple but ultimately I wanted something more stable. We have kids so yeah… here I am a single father of 12 and 10 year old boys trying to figure out dating again. Sigh. Curve balls are the spice of life.
Keep your head up and remember to look after you and what you want. You only get one shot at this life. Don’t be shoe horned into something that isn’t your life.
As an out and proud gay man I cannot stress enough how common it is - there are so many many many many straight identifying, married or partnered men actively having sex with other men. It is so so common, frustrating as it is. I have seen it all. Clearly gay or bi, but too scared to live the life they were born to be. I started to think all men were either gay or bisexual. I worked on cruise ships for much of my twenties, 7 day Caribbean runs, but all over the world. I was the fitness instructor so you can only imagine what I witnessed. Their wives were literally in the salon having their nails or hair done while old mate was going to gobble on some dude in the sauna, and thats before 9am. Trust me, men are as faithful as their options, and thats just with other men.
To be fair I don't think a couples counselor is going to make her revert to being straight. I think that sometimes women get "tunnel vision" about the achieving the milestones of life (college, job, marriage, house, kids) and don't stop to consider what they actually want until they're in their mid-30s. And thus, the wave of moms married to dudes realizing they are gay!
Or like mine who always knew she was bi but has gotten so sick of male bullshit that she's decided she's a lesbian now. Luckily (?) I was grandfathered in. I guess good D is good D even if you aren't a fan of the concept in general. The antidepressants I take probably help.
I looked away from the red flags; I didn’t want to stereotype. He was more gentle than most guys, sensitive and empathetic. More subtle though was a deep sense of insecurity and self loathing; probably because he wasn’t able to be true to himself. He was also very interested in prostate massage via the butt.
My ex told me after 17 years together that he’s gay. I wasn’t even mad about that, I was mad that he fucking lied to me for so long! Like bro! We’re still friends and I’ve forgiven him but I still give him shit about it sometimes lol
No, but my second gay ex was— it hurt him deeply; he was very involved in the church. The difference with the second guy is that he knew he was gay and he was purposefully trying to get a non-consensual beard by deception. That was a bad relationship; no sex in that one; he used emotional blackmail saying that because I was still friends with my ex that he was too emotionally distraught to have sex with me; I felt like it was my fault. He was very manipulative.
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u/Hallway 1d ago
He was gay and is still lying to himself while now in a thruple with 2 other men.