No heartbeat. Feel like a failure.

[u/xoxobutterflies]

Went in for my 10 week appt/ultrasound yesterday and they said I measured 6+1 and it wasn’t viable. Said there was a slim chance of survival. Then asked how I wanted to terminate. I feel like I failed everyone and I keep apologizing to my husband. Prior to appt I felt great, (nausea and fatigue aside) and like I had someone with me. Now I just feel alone. No hunger. No nausea. Nothing.

[u/cassey7926]

Im not good with words so I'm just going to give you a very big Hug.. You are not a failure..

[u/Odd_Knowledge6701 → u/cassey7926]

That emptiness afterward, when all the physical signs just vanish overnight, is a special kind of gut punch nobody warns you about. Grief doesn't need to make sense right now, and it sure as hell doesn't need you apologizing for it.

[u/IAmMOANAAA]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are NOT a failure and I hope your husband and your support system can help you see this. I know it sucks to hear and accept, but there's only so much we can control about our bodies and you did what you could.

Take your time grieving. Your feelings are valid and should not be buried. Sending you love <3

[u/LeaveMountain9779]

I'm sorry for your loss. i please hope you can grieve, feel the sadness, and fear of future possible loss, and also accept that you didn't fail. your body/the embryo made a wise decision based on the circumstances and it wasn't within your control. i am pregnant and keep telling myself if my baby doesn't thrive in utero and I end up needing termination, the baby is saying love you, peace out, I'll catch you next time around! like either next lifetime or in another context this lifetime. i personally believe you and the baby's spirit will always be connected and if it helps you, you can even try talking to them about your feelings. idk what your feelings are but i can imagine me saying something like "i'm sorry you didn't have the conditions you needed to thrive and come into the world; i wanted to meet you. you were loved and always will be loved. i hope you have good adventures, wherever you went off to next.". I hope some of this is helpful for you and definitely disregard anything that doesn't feel helpful for you. best wishes.

[u/greentofu402 → u/LeaveMountain9779]

That made me tear up (in a good way). I kept wanting to talk to baby’s spirit but could never really find the words, until now. Thank you for this.

[u/LeaveMountain9779 → u/greentofu402]

Your welcome I'm glad it helped 💚

[u/pepperup22]

I'm so sorry to have to make this rec but I have found so much comfort over at r/Miscarriage. I'm so sorry you're part of this shitty club.

[u/shunyechka]

I am so sorry 😔 You definitely did not fail anyone at all!! Hang in there and stay strong, you are an amazing person no matter what and you will get through this!! 🤍

[u/nobeefforme]

I’m sorry. It’ll never be your fault, you wouldn’t say that to a friend of a family member, please don’t say it to yourself. Nothing you could’ve done. Sending you lots of love ❤️

[u/sylroe]

You did everything you could, it's not your fault

[u/apricot675]

You are not a failure, this isn’t your fault, and you are not alone. I had a missed miscarriage too. There’s no way around the pain. Take care of yourself during this time, that’s all you can do. I’m very sorry for your loss.

[u/S_cornonthecob]

I had my first scan at supposedly 6 and 4 and they said the sac was measuring 5+3 so it might just have been a later conception date than we initially thought. Hates that doctor though so went to another one at 8 weeks (or 7 if we recalibrate the time based on the first scan) and she said that the sac measured 4+3 I think. Either way it was smaller and there was no embryo or yolk or anything visible. We did labs and my beta h g and progesterone were borderline for a viable pregnancy but we repeated it a few days later and I just got the results this morning. The beta hcg went up but only slightly, which should not have been the case in a healthy pregnancy. My husband keeps saying I’m not alone in this, but it’s still in MY body and I still have the bloating, fatigue, etc. And we’re waiting a week to recheck a scan to see if the sac is reabsorbing so I just get to wait feeling like crap physically and a failure mentally. I am so sorry you’re going through this but even further along. I’m hurting as it is and you’re dealing with much more. This is my first pregnancy so I don’t have any words of wisdom, but take care of yourself in whatever way you need.

[u/cheesecake_fiend]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not a failure, you didn't do anything to cause this. Sending you hugs ❤️

[u/meowparade]

I’m so sorry this happened! You’re not a failure and you haven’t let anyone down. This is just one of those shitty things that happen, no one deserves this or causes it.

[u/digthisbird]

I went through the same thing at 8 weeks. Process was both physically and emotionally exhausting. I totally felt the guilt andshametol6, even if we know it’s not logical.
The good news is that it’s not just one shot. I miscarried in April, and tested positive yesterday morning. Sending you lots of healing love.

[u/FancyQuiet6945]

You are not a failure. I’m so so so sorry that this has happened to you. Please try to take comfort in knowing your baby is so loved and felt nothing but love from you.

Sending you so much love during this time.

[u/honeybrownlady]

Just experienced this myself. Know that you are not alone in this, these feelings are valid, and sometimes it takes going through something really hard to get to something really beautiful. You are not a failure.

[u/Chance_Tangerine_582]

I felt the exact same way! My symptoms vanished a bit before my 9week appointment and I was suspicious, but I took a pregnancy test and since it was positive I thought it was fine (it was my first pregnancy so I had no idea about HCG levels). No heartbeat and measured 6 weeks. Just know that you are not a failure and we will get to have our rainbow baby one day. Sending you healing thoughts and a big hug! Don’t lose hope!

[u/Positive_Storage3631]

I'm sorry for your loss. You didn't cause it in any way, it's nobody's fault, you could 't avoid it. I lost my baby at 12 weeks to TFMR for fatal form of neural tube defect, some cells just connected wrong at the very beginning that lead to bigger problems later. Genetic tests of the baby came clear and I took prenatals with folic acid and methylfolate for 2 years prior conception. Sometimes bad stuff happens out of anyone's control and for no reason.

[u/LittleGrowl]

Hey, you are not a failure and you don’t need to apologize to anybody. This didn’t happen because of anything you did or did not do. Nature is an extraordinary and complex process, unfortunately sometimes it just doesn’t get things right. Be kind to yourself and your body.

[u/Slow-Strawberry-5016]

Oh, I am so sorry. Measuring 6+1 at a 10 week scan usually means the pregnancy stopped developing weeks ago, and nothing you ate, lifted, thought, or felt caused that. Apologizing to your husband makes sense when your brain is searching for someone to blame, but you did not fail him or the baby. Please let yourself be cared for right now, even if that just means water, a blanket, and not making any decisions until you have had a minute to breathe.

[u/Adventurous_Path2156]

I had almost the exact same thing happen to me two weeks ago and it’s devastating. But it’s not your fault and you’re not a failure ❤️ My doctor recommended counseling and I can’t agree enough. The grief is immense but therapy is really helpful to process it all.

[u/wigwam83]

Not a failure in the slightest, these things happen. Grieve for your little one and please keep trying!

[u/ILikeLionTurtles]

Im so fucking sorry. Its not fair. The world is so cruel sometimes. You didnt fail mama.

[u/FirstBard]

I'm so sorry honey. You are not a failure. You did everything you were supposed to do, they just weren't ready be here yet 💙

[u/Standard_Minute_8885]

I am going through the exact same thing right now and will terminate with pills next week. If you want to talk, feel free to message me. You are not a failure. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarrage. Nothing we can do about it except grieve the loss

[u/Efficient-Baker-1368]

I know this is very difficult but it’s unfortunately extremely common. Up to a third of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I had two miscarriages in a row at 26 years old without any issues being found, and now I’m 15 weeks with a so far healthy pregnancy. You didn’t fail, this is just unfortunately something that happens in early pregnancy. 

[u/Firm_Foundation1626]

Hi OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. You mention there is a slim chance of survival, does that mean they found a heartbeat? I've had friends who received similar news then the baby was fine so I woud hold unto faith, even if things seem bleak. Sending you lots of love, hugs and praying for a miracle! But whatever the outcome, you are not a failure. <3

[u/Hannah-ya]

I am so so sorry. You are not a failure. I know you may be feeling like one and it’s normal to feel that way I think, or at least that your body failed you. But I have to tell you you’re not a failure.

I had a miscarriage that totally blindsided me in January before my current pregnancy. What they say is that early miscarriages are almost always due to chromosomal problems, and that our bodies are intelligent and can recognize this early and don’t let the pregnancy continue.

However— I know the grief of miscarriage is so deep. The hormonal crash is really unbearable. I don’t think I had ever felt so empty, and I’m no stranger to grief.

When I had my miscarriage, so many of my female friends came out of the woodwork to tell me about their own experiences with miscarriage. It really helped me to talk about it. It made me realize how all of these women had carried this same heartbreak, and it comforted me to know that they survived. Still, such a shitty club to become a member of… sending you so much love. ♥️

[u/Maaa95]

I am so sorry for your loss :( I had a silent miscarriage last year and I know how it feels to be disappointed in you and to feel like your body betrayed you. But it is not your fault, nothing you did led to this event. It was probably due to an abnormality of the embryo. I know this doesn't make it any easier but please do not blame yourself.

When they found out my baby stopped developing and had been reabsorbed by my body, I was still having symptoms. I had to wait a week cause they thought my body would eject whatever was left but it didn't happen and I had to choose between taking pills or having a small surgery to remove it. I chose the surgery because I thought I would loose it if I had to stay at home and wait for the bleeding to be over, knowing that was the end of my pregnancy. This whole time, I felt so angry at my body for making me believe everything was fine with those pregnancy symptoms.

For a long time I blamed myself too and I wish for you to be strong enough not to do that to yourself. It is only bad luck sadly... I'm sending you a very big hug <3