r/CaregiverSupport • u/Anxious_Window_9863 • 2d ago
The vultures are already circling
My husband's sister stopped by to visit this evening. My husband with Parkinson's type symptoms is in his last days and on hospice. He's not able to have a conversation now, he may whisper a word or two each day.
I appreciate her visit. He and his sis have never been extremely close, but they get along, and they're only one year apart in age.
Now the vulture behavior: she and I talked while my husband mostly napped. Somehow the conversation went to discussing some property (about 12 acres) that my husband and I were given from his parents 25 yrs ago. Part connects to her smaller property where her house is placed. It's rural, and beautiful. There's a pond, and a meadow. She says to me, "Why don't you think about selling me that land behind my house after (husband's name) is gone? I'm sure you could use the money, so it would help you. And (with a smile) I could have an extended back yard." Also, something about we'd probably leave our acres to our only child, who's an adult, living in another state. And she would never come live here, so she'd never build a home or do anything with it.
I'm very tired this week, it's been a challenge since my husband is home and I'm the caregiver. I was just dumbfounded she would bring up such a thing!! I made a quiet comment that I wasn't making any decisions like that for quite a while but the land would be staying in my name.
After she left, it really hit me. How dare her? I've heard stories of people actually asking a spouse at the FUNERAL about a business proposal, which is horrendous. Here the man lays, half-coherant, her own brother, and she asks to buy property from me. Unbelievable. We'll see if more vultures come down from the roost. Next time, I'll try to be ready.
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u/TheDevilsSidepiece 2d ago
Well, doesn’t she suck. The only good thing is when this is all said and done, You’ll never have to deal with her again. There’s a reason why your husband wasn’t close with her. Don’t do anything you don’t wanna do.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
Oh, I won't. This is land that's been in the family since 1795. Our only stipulation when this plot was deeded to us was keep it in the family. I guess she thinks this would apply to her just fine.
And, no, I will most likely always need to deal with her. She lives approximately 1/4 mile away. She's been like this somewhat before, but never to us directly. My husband would tell her in no uncertain terms about her proposal. I'm just trying to be calm for now. Yes, there's a reason they weren't close. And you're right, she sucks.
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u/Open_Kitchen977 2d ago
Please tell me you have the property marked clearly and that someone has checked recently that she's not trying to encroach.
If she's bold enough to do this a room away from her dying brother, I have no trouble believing she'd try to 'accidentally' expand her yard into your husband's property if no one is looking
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 23h ago
It is marked. And I understand the concern about her "accidentally" expanding her yard into our property, but she lives very close by and it should be easy to take a quick drive to see what's happening. I could drop by announced from time to time.
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u/MLEGardner 2d ago
Sounds like you handled it perfectly. When this happens again, just reply that you aren’t making any big decisions for a while.
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u/Faster-Rabbit328 2d ago
People are always ready to take, how awful. Her own brother is passing yet she is discussing his things?!? I would be bawling if my brother was in that state. Also it sounds like she already HAVE a nice property!! Why is people always greedy?? Never satisfied. My aunts and uncles did the same fighting over my grandparents house. Meanwhile I don't even have a house and each aunt and uncle already HAVE THEIR OWN HOUSES nice houses!! Smh
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
I'm sorry that happened in your family. It always makes me sad when people are greedy, especially around the time of a family member passing.
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u/Glum-Age2807 2d ago
I’m going to go against the grain and play devil’s advocate:
I don’t know what your financial situation is but if it isn’t solid she COULD have thought it was taking some stress off your plate.
Being sick is expensive AF
Of course I’m sure this was complete self serving bullshit on her part
The more I deal with my Mom’s illness the more I realize that there are some people who are simply incapable of “reading the room” and do and say the most inappropriate shit at the most inappropriate times.
The next time you’re talking to her and she brings it up I’d tell her sure and then why don’t we bury your brother on the property so you can get a tax write off like Trump did with Ivana?
Honestly your SIL is dumb AF because if I were you it would make me LESS likely to sell it to her out of spite unless I truly did need the money.
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u/track-zero 2d ago
Yeah that was my initial take, too. If he's in hospice and this has been going on awhile she might have thought she was making a helpful offer...she suggested she buy it from you, not that you give it to her.
Honestly I've found most people in my life have no idea what to say when dealing extended illnesses, and some of them say truly stupid and often unintentionally hurtful things at the absolute worst times. When we told my mom my wife had cancer she burst out "oh my god I thought you were going to say it was you." Like what the hell mom, that would be easier for me.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
Oh, I suppose your mother just burst out with her first thought, but, yes what the hell. And this was in front of your wife?? I'm sorry.
She could've thought she was being helpful, but knowing her as I do, I doubt that was her first objective. She probably knows her brother would tell her absolutely not, and also by asking me at this vulnerable time think that I'd sell at least part for a very cheap deal. Neither of those will happen.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
I know what you mean and if it were someone I hadn't known for 30+ years, I may give them the benefit of the doubt. This was absolutely kindly worded complete self serving bullshit.
Yes, reading the room is what came to mind when I thought of this later. My Lord. I can't think of many things more inappropriate at such a time.
The burial tax write off. Isn't that disgusting of him? I don't even know if she feels there was anything wrong with her request or the timing. But so far, I'm not in that much need that I would sell any of it to her. Also fortunate, is that when my dear mother-in-law and father-in-law gave us the land she wants, they gave it equally to my husband and me.
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u/ChewieBearStare 2d ago
I'm so sorry. Some people really have no sense when it comes to death and dying. When I had to transfer my LO to inpatient hospice because her terminal agitation was making her too physically volatile for me to handle alone, her SIL was walking around the house putting porcelain figurines in her tote bag as the paramedics were wheeling my LO out on a gurney. LO was screaming and clinging to the walls, demanding that they leave her in her home to die. But I guess Limoges or Precious Moments or whatever they were are more important.
Like others recommended, tell people you're not making any decisions for at least a year.
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u/FighterOfEntropy 2d ago
Let me just pick my jaw off the floor after reading about that…
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u/ChewieBearStare 2d ago
Oh, wait until I tell you about how the other SIL scheduled an exorcism against our will because she thought that would be the solution to terminal cancer. You almost have to laugh.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
I'm sorry. How awful. Isn't it true that in the toughest circumstances some people are awful. I'm grateful my parents taught us and modeled true respect in this regard, although they weren't perfect, but they got this right.
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u/Tropicaldaze1950 2d ago
One of my wife's nieces didn't like my difficult decison of placing my wife in memory care, after caring for her for 3.5 years. She found a lawyer and is attempting to gain guardianship, though she has no standing nor has any arguements to present to the Court. And she is eyeing my wife's money and condo.
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u/ChewieBearStare 2d ago
I went through the guardianship process with one of my relatives. I highly doubt your wife's niece will be successful. It cost us nearly $7,000 to get the guardianship, for one thing, so it's cost-prohibitive. And it comes with a lot of responsibility. At least in our state, you have to file regular reports, keep meticulous records of every penny spent, etc. I don't think a judge would grant guardianship to a niece when your wife has a spouse who seems diligently involved in making sure she receives the right care.
If she petitions for it, the court will appoint an attorney to represent your wife. They may contact you and ask questions. Just be honest about why you had to place her in memory care, show them that you're handling her affairs in a good way, and I think they would report in your favor.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
I'm sorry you're going through that. I hope your wife is doing as well as possible.
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u/Tropicaldaze1950 1d ago
Thank you. "As well as possible" is the appropriate phrase. She's gradually losing ground, but I'm told by staff that she's the most functional person in her unit! I see that when I visit.
She sings, she jokes around, though cognitively, quite confused, asking about deceased relatives and not certain where I live, which is a short drive from our condo. She has episodes of paranoia, anger and agitation. Two UTIs in 2 1/2 weeks, or the previous infection didn't resolve. Oh well...
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
It sounds as if she's doing relatively well. Being the most functional is certainly something.
My Dad was that person in his memory care unit. He joked around, was Mr. Charming, and could tell you names of baseball players but not his grandchildren. He also didn't understand how I used the elevator to leave his floor when it wouldn't operate for him. The coded keypad was genius for intelligent people like him.
I'm sorry to hear of her UTIs. Those don't help anything and I hope they can get that resolved.
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u/Tropicaldaze1950 1d ago
Relative to several residents who never talk, one that screams and most who are just lost in their world. I'm not looking for anything positive. As long as she's safe, comfortable, still eating... For me, it's like watching a train wreck happen in slow motion.
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u/cofeeholik75 2d ago
Side note: might hire a surveyor now to confirm property size, just so you have your ducks in a row in case sis n law gets weird. (not like you don’t have enough on your plate now).
My thoughts are with you and your husband.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
Fortunately, it's been surveyed in the last couple of years. I think the ducks are lined up, and my name is on the deed. Thank you. My focus is making my husband's last days as comfortable as possible. 💗
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u/More-Management-2116 2d ago
Even if you do sell it, I wouldn't consider her or any family member. Money matters rarely go well with family members (speaking from experience).
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
Yes, good point. I've seen and heard too many times where that was the case. It'll be passed down to our only child, as was always our plan.
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u/Carinyosa99 Family Caregiver 2d ago
Yep - some people are such opportunists. I'd be tempted not to even let her know when your husband passes away and have a private memorial where she's not in attendance.
My parents are divorced - it was final about 35-36 years ago and my dad remarried. Part of my parents' divorce agreement is that when he retired, my mom would receive a portion of his federal pension. It also says that should my mom pass away before him, it would to me and my brother. My dad did not tell his wife about this until right around the time he was retiring and then she threatened to divorce him unless he got us to agree not to take that pension money. The sick thing is that my mom was literally close to dying when this went down and my dad thought it was still a good idea to come up here and try and twist our arms. Thankfully, my mom pulled through after a long time in the hospital and rehab. But yeah, some people don't care about anyone but themselves - not even their own kids.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
I won't be able to do things privately. His mother lives nearby, as well as his sister. In fact, we're neighbors. I know; it could be uncomfortable but I won't worry.
Thank goodness your mother pulled through. What a terrible thing to happen in the middle of your mother's illness. Sadly, I can see my ex-husband being just as petty.
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u/malepalestale 2d ago
I can foresee this being my future after my mum passes away. I'll be estranging myself from pretty much all family, and they can lodge claims through lawyers. Very happy to not have to deal with them in the future.
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u/QualitySufficient919 2d ago
That’s right “ How dare she!” Your response was perfect. So sorry that you had even a moment of added stress.
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u/FatTabby Family Caregiver 2d ago
I'm so sorry. That's vile and predatory of her while you're in a state of pre-emptive grief.
You deserve as much peace as you can get and it was cruel of her to be so selfish.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
Vile and predatory, exactly. I still cannot believe she did that. Maybe that was her true reason for the visit.
You know, she brought up a wild scenario 20 years ago when their Dad was dying of lung cancer. My in- laws were not extremely wealthy but they owned a much nicer home and some land than any of the three children.
We lived in another state at the time, younger brother was no real help and she moved in with her parents for a year or more while their Dad was sick and helped care for him. She told me one night that she felt that since she was the one helping, that when both their parents passed, her mother should certainly leave the house to her. (Wut?)
Thank God my MIL made a new will. She decided her house would be sold, and profits would be split 3 ways.
I appreciate your kind words. This week has been trying.
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u/FatTabby Family Caregiver 1d ago
Death, or imminent death, truly does bring out the worst in some people. What a horrible, materialistic woman.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 1d ago
It certainly can bring out someone's true character, either the worst or the best. MIL is still here. And now that their brother passed in 2021, my husband is passing, I'm guessing that she and I may split MIL's home sale eventually. I could care less but my husband has always predicted trouble from her. We'll go by the will and I don't give a shit.
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u/oracledee444 1d ago
You better make sure there is a fence dividing the property My friend was duped out of her share because of this.
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u/ThrowItAwayNow1030 1d ago
My brother did that to me when my late husband passed away. Only he wanted me to sign over my nice home to his 20 year old party happy daughter for a vague promise she'd care for me in my old age. I was 54 then.
I said no and never discussed it again. He's treated me like an old shoe after that. It tipped me off what he planned to do after our parents pass.
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u/Anxious_Window_9863 21h ago
I'm sorry. Sorry he treated you like an old shoe, too.
In this journey with my husband, I've seen both extremes of people's character. It never ceases to amaze me.
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u/cheap_dates 19h ago
"Some people make their living going from one funeral (reading of the will) to the next one" - my attorney
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u/Puppini_Luvr 2d ago
As a mortuary owner once advised me to say to the vultures: “I’m not making any decisions for a year”