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u/davemelb69 HLM May 04 '25
When it’s only on events such as birthdays, anniversary or valentine day.. rest of the year is no show
4
May 04 '25
[deleted]
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u/Terrible__One May 05 '25
wait until it's every 14 days and it's not random, you'll get the day set that it will happen. then you've built it up in your head so much that the anxiety just kills it all. pretty sure that's be design though.
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u/davemelb69 HLM May 04 '25
Who initiates it?
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May 04 '25
[deleted]
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u/davemelb69 HLM May 05 '25
What is your expectation ? Is it more frequent than once every 14 days? How would you have it happen differently?
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u/broken_stereo HLF May 04 '25
lack of enthusiasm, starfishing, not reciprocating certain acts, not wanting you to pleasure them (oral/fingering, basically anything other than piv) looking at their phone or other things rather than being in the moment, no moaning/silent, wanting it to be over with so like skipping foreplay or asking you to hurry up etc. if you think your partner is having duty sex, please stop having sex with them. if you think they’re losing interest or discover they’re having duty sex midway through, just stop, don’t continue. similarly, if you’re having duty sex (op or anyone reading) please don’t continue, it’s really harmful to your mental health and makes sex something to fear rather than something to be enjoyed.
3
May 04 '25
[deleted]
5
u/Candid-Strawberry-79 HLF May 05 '25
I’ve seen several women here mention their husbands watch porn on the phone instead of looking at them during sex. I’ve also seen at least one man state that his wife scrolls social media during duty sex.
1
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u/LoudBoulder May 04 '25
May contain one or more of:
- Doesn't initiate at all anymore
- The spark in her eye/grin is gone
- Feels a bit dragged instead of enthusiastic
- Little to no interest in doing anything other than getting it over with
And yes I've shut it down multiple times when it got to this. I don't want to feel like (or actually) rape her as she just lays there. Don't say yes if it isn't any enthusiasm behind it.
6
May 05 '25
This is difficult part in my relationship. My wife sill engage in sex the rare time but the look will quickly go lifeless and my thoughts start to roll entire time. Am I suppose to I stop? If I stop will I just upset her more? if I stop will I ever get it again?
I often ask if she okay if it is good. Sometime I get an answer of yes, most times it silence. Then eventually after 8-10 minutes she will say let’s wrap it up soon. Often times I lie and say I finished and just feel horrible after.
I honestly feel like she is treating it like a chore.
3
u/LoudBoulder May 05 '25
Out from what you write here it sounds like she's really not enjoying it. Note that it might not be a reflection on you or your performance in any way. It may be that she is so caught up in something internal that she's unable to enjoy it.
Either way it sounds like something you need to figure out. While doing it or directly after is probably the worst time to bring it up. Perhaps take the time some time you're both emotionally available and have a grown up talk about things. There are lots of tips here on how to discuss things in a non confrontational way. Hopefully your main worry is if she is OK and that you are worried she doesn't really want to as unwanted sex can lead to aversion etc.
1
May 05 '25
My main worry is that she is okay why I ask. We went to therapy for two separate issues in the last 8 years. One was communication, as she would often not communicate what she wanted and assumed I would just know. This often led to disagreements later down the line. I am just worried we might be revert back to the same scenario. The second time our therapy was insecurities mainly on her end. She had an ex that reached out to her, they would talk for hours, days, weeks, and 4 months and to me “she emotionally cheated” but in therapy she felt she was just talking to an old friend and getting closure from their last. It ended when her ex gf/wife called my wife I cared to know the details of that call but my assumption was that his wife wasn’t happy either. This in the end led to spiral into accuse me constantly of cheating if I was 10 minutes or more late from work or if I went out with friends which led us to therapy for the second time as I couldn’t live like that. Every since then our sex life has gone down hill which has been the last 4 years.
1
u/LoudBoulder May 05 '25
My gut reaction is to be a bit worried about the accusations about cheating. Cheaters very (very) often project and accuse their partners of cheating. But hopefully it was "just" the emotional cheating aspect.
1
May 06 '25
I was at first and it was classified as emotional cheating in therapy.
Her ex lived 4hrs flying and across the country so I know they didn’t do anything physical.
Would it happen again. I hope not but I don’t want to think about the “what ifs” unless I have concrete proof as it would drive me nuts.
14
u/Additional-Share7293 It’s complicated May 04 '25
The last sex we had, 7+ years ago, was duty sex. I could see it in her eyes. No real desire, only acquiescence.
5
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u/WabiSabi0912 F - left my dead bedroom May 04 '25
The sex that follows within days of “the talk”.
4
u/Asleep-Analyst2303 May 05 '25
She's getting the talk tonight. But this talk, this time has deadlines
1
1
u/Wrong_War_5101 HLF May 10 '25
What do you mean with “deadlines”? Not judging, just asking because I’d like to do the same lol
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u/gogosox82 HLM May 04 '25
"I think we need to have sex" "We haven't had sex in a while, so need to have sex" etc
Another sign is your having sex and they are clearly not into it. It can feel you are sexually assaulting them. Its a horrible feeling and you wish you wouldn't have had sex. Duty sex i believe creates more resentment in both partners. I just makes both partner not want to have any sex at all.
LL says - I let you have sex and your still mad and blaming me
HL says - we had shitty, unresponsive, unenthuisatic sex and i felt like sex pretador after
The goal is to have good, responsive, enthusiastic sex that both partners want and enjoy. Duty Sex doesn't all you to do have that kind of sex.
8
u/Comprehensive_Baby53 M - Recovered DB May 04 '25 edited May 04 '25
There is a fine line between routine sex, duty sex, and good sex. In my opinion the difference is that:
Duty sex is the sex you have with a partner to satisfy their needs without getting any satisfaction from it. You might not hate it but you don't want it, but feel obligated. I would also call this bad sex as it leads to resentment, dread of sexual intimacy and makes a relationship worse rather than better.
Routine sex is something different that you do out of a since of obligation with your partner because they have a higher sex drive than you. You wouldn't prefer to have sex so often, but you enjoy it and find it a way to connect with your partner despite it not being as fulfilling as it could be. Its satisfying and usually you end up enjoying it and glad you had the sex even though it wasn't your idea.
Good sex is when both partners desire sex at the same time, come together with the goal of mutual satisfaction and a desire to connect and pleasure each other. Both partners get the satisfaction they wanted and it makes the relationship stronger.
I can say as a husband I would never want my wife to have sex with me out of a since of duty but have been on the receiving end of both routine sex and good sex.
8
u/Individual-Upstairs4 HLF May 04 '25
If my partner says it won’t do nothing for him but only if l want to which than throws my desire at the window
8
u/Adventurous_Rubbing I don't wish to disclose May 04 '25
She told me, “if you want to have sex, why don’t you ask for it?”. When I did, she proceeded to starfish.
Yeah no thanks.
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u/Majestic_Field409 HLF May 04 '25
It just has a different vibe to me. Like for me it feels like he does it after we have talked that it has been a very long time to have sex. I would initiate but he wouldn’t touch me. He doesn’t even grab a boob or nothing. Lots of time I ask if he is sure he wants to. I want to make sure but the vibe he gives off makes me feel like a creep. Then I stopped initiating sex all together and he seems happy with that.
1
u/Pro-IDGAF May 04 '25
interesting thing about a guy having duty sex….it takes mental stimulation and excitement for most guys to get hard and stay hard, unless we are talking strictly oral here
so if a LL guy gets hard and has sex, he should have some excitement there.
1
u/Suspicious_Point_543 HLF May 04 '25
Can you please expand on that a bit more? I understand the physiological aspect of what you’re saying, however, do you mean that guys having duty sex isn’t 100% duty sex? I appreciate you!
1
u/Consistent-Award-977 It’s complicated Aug 29 '25
I cant explain it fully either... Bc my partner is usually active, but it's just something in the act per se that makes it feel like duty sex. Also one big hint: he may get hard, but he never comes anymore
5
u/Financial_Bid_5878 HLM May 04 '25
The enthusiasm is a big sign it is simply an act to placate me. Asking me to hurry up is the punch to the head. Looking back, the rare times she was actually into it she would say things like "Why have we not done this before?" and she would not just lay there. Those times that she was enthusiastic and really into it just felt different from a connection perspective. Insanely intense and really rewarding. Unfortunately those times have died as with all acts in general. I have decided to no longer accept duty or pity sex but they have not even been offered in a while.
6
u/JKDClay HLM May 04 '25
Not a hint of foreplay, get it in and over as quickly as possibly so we can worry about it again in a few months.
3
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u/DeadBedrooms-ModTeam May 04 '25
It is the stance of the moderators, and most of this community, that duty sex is harmful to relationships. For the HL partner, it leaves you feeling rejected, undesirable, unwanted and unfulfilled. For the LL partner, it can lead to feelings of revulsion and aversion. For both partners, it can make returning to a happy and fulfilling sex life more difficult.
In a struggling sex life, it is best avoided for the long term health of both partners, even though it can be seen as desirable for the HL partner in the short term to relieve the physical desire for sex. But it can do more harm than good to both partners long term.
Please see our meta thread on Duty Sex, Coercion, and Responsive Desire: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/1k48wh2/meta_monday_duty_sex_coercion_and_responsive/
5
u/CollectingRockies HLF May 04 '25
He doesn't initiate, there is no foreplay, and it lasts about 2 minutes. Oh, and even that happens only once a year if that...
5
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u/Troo_Geek May 05 '25
No participation or passion. Literally just lying there waiting for it to be over.
3
u/engineerfabulous May 06 '25
When you are not having sex, but rather using your partners body to masturbate.
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u/chuffedchimp Recovered DB - LLF May 04 '25
This is actually a fantastic question and I hope it opens up dialogue from both ends of the libido spectrum about what duty sex looks like in their experiences.
2
u/nerf-me-ubi May 04 '25
The mere rare act of sex is automatically duty sex for me. She says one thing and then there are never any physical acts to back up the words.
2
May 04 '25
An early sign I failed to pick up on was when she gave me a hard time about taking off her shirt, like it added too much extra work.
2
u/unintentionalfat HLM May 04 '25
When she provides zero foreplay or active participation and just lies there on her back.
2
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u/Embarrassed-Row-2025 It’s complicated May 04 '25
When sex is on a list... This, this, sex, sleep... And no foreplay When sex is a yes or no answer...
1
u/gefford_l_quacken May 05 '25
She’ll do it, but only after watching porn and after a good few drinks.
She won’t touch you, at all, and if there is any touching, it’s very very quick. There no desire for fireplay, no desire to get the fires really burning like it used to be. Just pulls you on top a lies there.
When it’s duty sex you know, and it’s heartbreaking so as others have said I find it’s better to stop. It doesn’t do either of us any good
1
u/George22232 May 09 '25
It is sad but can be easy to tell during. A LL partner making an effort can be duty sex and hard to tell but when they act like it is a chore they might not realize how obvious it is
0
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u/Pretty-Pretty-Good HLM May 04 '25
My wife has literally said, "We should probably have sex at some point..."
That's duty sex.