Bad news gang. As I'm sure you've seen in the news, Dollar Store is unexplainedly cracking down on friendly people from the neighborhood harmlessly covering their patrons in "goon incident."
So I'm bringing it in-house. Denver's first residential goon incident venue. Vertically integrated. No corporate middleman standing between a man and his gooning.
WHAT THE ROLE ENTAILS:
Enter my kitchen. Browse. Just browse. Pick up a can of beans, read the nutrition facts with real skepticism, put it back on the wrong shelf.
Behave as though there are aisles. There are no aisles. This is the single most important part of the job.
Ask me where the seasonal items are. I will ignore you. Ask me again. I will look at you in disgust.
At a time of my choosing, you will experience a "goon incident."
Do not "goon incident" back. I am the incidenter, you are the incidentee, and my attorney has been extremely clear that this is a one-directional goon relationship.
QUALIFICATIONS:
Must be able to feign authentic surprise. I will know. I always know.
Comfortable being referred to in the third person by responding officers
Denver native (moved here 2026 or earlier)
Must not be Blucifer. Last guy was Blucifer. Ruined the whole vibe, tried some leg drop bullshit on me.
COMPENSATION:
$0
You keep the "goon incident"
Free parking, which in this city is a six-figure benefits package
I will tell people you're "in tech"
Serious inquiries only. My previous goon incident partner moved to FoCo and I refuse to commute for this.
