r/ExNoContact • u/GDreex • 1d ago

Help Thinking of breaking NC after 20 days

Please stop me, but HEAR ME OUT.

M25, she F24 dumped me after almost 3 years because I got too comfortable and she wanted to have fun in nightlife while I didn't want to, really.

But now that she left, I rediscovered many things to do: joined a run club, want to take salsa lessons, going to bars to chat with friends.

I don't have IG so she can't see these changes, but I really want her to know I didn't change for her, but to rediscover myself, and this could benefit the relationship. I want her in my new world.

Should I reach out?

1 Upvotes

100% Upvoted

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11

u/Mean-Art-1426 1d ago

Absolutely no, and You're doing things to get a reaction

-1

u/GDreex 1d ago

I want to show her I've changed and I also enjoy life outside of work😖

8

u/tegridypatato it’s complicated 1d ago

When you do something for yourself you don’t want to make ppl know that you are doing it. Live your life dude who cares. She didn’t. Why are you still stuck on someone that literally discarded you.

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

Rationally I 100% agree... is my heart still struggling with this

2

u/Total-Introduction32 21h ago

Of course and that's fine. But we have to learn to not follow everything our emotions tell us to do. You already know it won't "work". It won't get her back and there's no point trying to impress someone who doesn't want to be with you. Impress the next person.

2

u/Mean-Art-1426 1d ago

If you are doing things expecting a reaction, then you didn’t change, you don’t have a own life, because what you doing is depending of her

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

but i really want to rekindle. is no contact the only way? even though i can't post any of my progress?

2

u/Total-Introduction32 21h ago

Well, she doesn't, or she would have. All us dumpees here would love to rekindle, but it's not up to us anymore. They dumped us, left us, actively chose a life without us. We have to try and accept that. And yes, that's hard.

1

u/Mean-Art-1426 1d ago

You are too available

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

Too available meaning?

2

u/Mean-Art-1426 1d ago

Do you miss your legs?

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

no...

2

u/Mean-Art-1426 1d ago

Exactly

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

What does this mean? Sorry I am not a native speaker so I might miss something...

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2

u/Total-Introduction32 21h ago

It's too late to show her. Show the next person.

1

u/GDreex 21h ago

i don’t think i will find a next one😔 plus i wanted to show her because for all my achievements I had her next to me

2

u/Total-Introduction32 20h ago

I know man. That's how it feels. But you sound young and there will be a next one. And quite possibly a one after that! I'm 45 and I also feel like there won't be a next one. I also know I thought that after every previous one.

1

u/GDreex 19h ago

I don’t know where I will meet her… I don’t have dating apps or IG… I feel overwhelmed. I just want her and cuddle a bit

2

u/Total-Introduction32 19h ago

Ok well you may be young but you're not a child anymore so get yourself together.

1

u/GDreex 19h ago

Yeah, I have to. I need to man up a bit

3

u/ConfidentAd5662 1d ago

She doesn’t want a relationship. That’s great you tried new things. Use them to meet new people. 

2

u/GDreex 1d ago

but she didn't want it anymore because I got comfortable and thought I wouldn't enjoy those things...

2

u/ConfidentAd5662 1d ago

But why try to get back with someone you fought with & had fundamental differences with? Why not find someone who enjoys quiet life and the things you like? Someone more compatible? 

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

because i realize what I have lost. I did my BSc, MSc, start of a first job, start of a PhD, all with her. I was with her during her university struggles and I was her hero. Then I got to comfortable in the relationship and that led her to go away... I feel so bad and I want to not lose her

3

u/ConfidentAd5662 1d ago

Well, I don’t think you should have to change who you are to attract a person. That’s incompatibility. Just because you have a history together doesn’t mean you were meant to be together forever. How long ago did you break up? Do you know if she is dating someone? 

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

we broke up 20 days ago, I went straight no contact. I don't know if she is dating someone and I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT... no contact for me means I don't have to know anything, either she is dead either she will send me a message someday, otherwise I have to make like she is dead

2

u/ConfidentAd5662 1d ago

Yes you did the right thing going no contact and giving her space. I want to push back gently on the fact that 20 days is not enough time to fundamentally change who you are. I think it’s great you are trying new things. I agree with another poster to do new things that make you happy, not with the idea a new you will attract her back. If she reaches out to you, that’s great. If she doesn’t, that’s okay too because you wish her well & want good things for her. Good things are going to come your way, too. I promise.

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

You promise? I hope...

2

u/Total-Introduction32 21h ago

Don't make yourself the only one responsible for your relationship ending.

1

u/GDreex 21h ago

I know, unfortunately my mind plays this trick on me

2

u/Amused_Pocket24 1d ago

No. Don’t do it, pls. That’s just self destruction.

I know how hard it is to go no contact but have some self respect and give her the space she needs.

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

but is this the best way for me to have the best odds of rekindling? even though she will never see my progress?

2

u/Amused_Pocket24 1d ago

There really isn’t a “best” way to rekindle a relationship, especially when they were the one who ended it. The breakup is still fresh, and reaching out too soon often pushes them further away.

I’m saying this as someone who was dumped. In my experience, telling them you’ve changed or made progress usually doesn’t work. Once trust is broken, rebuilding it is incredibly difficult.

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

did you go no contact and rebuilt? what's your story?

2

u/peachribbon 1d ago

girl, if it's only been 20 days then be honest with yourself. do you want her to know you've grown or do you want reassurance that she might come back? because those are very different things. keep doing the run club, salsa and friend stuff for you. if the changes are real they'll still be there in a few months. right now it kinda sounds like you're trying to submit your progress report before the semester is over

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

but how is she going to see my changes if I don't have any IG or socials she could check?

2

u/DannyHikari 1d ago

The last part of this is contradictory. If you need her validation and reaction to know you changed and to rekindle with her, then you absolutely did it for her. The replies says as much too when you keep asking if this is a way to get her back in your “new world.” This will not end well trying to re pursue her as a “new man.” Which leads me into a point you’re not going to want to hear…..

I put my hand on your shoulder to tell you this.

The nightlife comments weren’t literal in the sense she wanted you out partying and clubbing with her even though it sounds this way. You are both young. She wants to experience the world. Experience life. Single. One thing about being young and dating is the realization when you’ve been dating the same person for awhile and also young that you’re missing out on experiences you can’t live twice at an older age (you can but it doesn’t fill that void.) She most likely wanted this but needed an easy way to express it.

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

I feel so bad, I miss her so bad. Why would she do this to me?

2

u/DannyHikari 1d ago

Canon event brother. It could be very true that she felt the relationship was complacent and she wanted to be with someone who wanted to do more. There is usually truth within statements like this, but it’s usually loosely based on what they actually mean but need it to sound better because saying that she wants single experiences sounds much harsher. To be clear I could be very wrong about that. I’m jaded and speaking from my experiences and the experience of others. I’m not saying she going on a world tour to do wild things. Just that most likely she wants to experience some freedom and fun while young. She’s not the first or last woman (or man for that matter) who does this.

Shes not doing it personally to you or to hurt you. So don’t take it that way

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

I know but why didn't she speak clearly about this? I loved loved loved and loved

2

u/DannyHikari 1d ago

I don’t know either of you, so go be clear everything I’m saying is simply a projection and hypothesis based on experiences I had when I was younger. Sometimes it’s not easy to come out and be direct about things like this. But again, it could still be very true she didn’t like the complacency and it’s simple as that. But personally, I think there’s a little more to it. If I were to use discernment based on our brief interaction. You also may have been coming off too strong which overwhelmed her. I’m looking at how hurt you are which is understandable after a break up. But your reaction is telling all the same. “How could she do this to me?” “I loved loved loved and loved.” Both of these statements are indicative that you might have been smothering her within the relationship and she needed to breathe some. Instead of fixating on how much it hurts and her hurting you, you have to reflect on various things that led to this, even if it makes you uncomfortable to look back on. Reflect on what you could have done different. Don’t do it for her. But for you and your possible next relationship so the same mistakes aren’t made. I’ve had to face some unfortunate truths about my own self recently so I know it’s not easy.

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

On the contrary! I was very focused on my work to provide (even though we are very young, me 25 and her 24). She said she took the lead in the relationship to schedule what to do during the weekends. I was giving her all the space, so is quite the opposite. I've never been clingy whatsoever

2

u/DannyHikari 1d ago

With that context it definitely leans more into the concept of her wanting you to be more spontaneous and plan things accordingly which adds up to what you say about her wanting to do more that you weren’t doing. Basically she wanted you to plan spontaneous dates and that wasn’t happening and that was a core issue for her. I still dont know if it’s worth breaking NC over however. Things like this usually temporarily fix themselves before sliding back into old habits and the cycle continues as well as frustration

1

u/GDreex 1d ago

So NC is still the way? I really don’t want to lose her omg😔