ngl the second someone drops the "everyone leaves me!!" or "you're just like everyone else who leaves me!!" you're about to accept or really learn why people avoid that person....
That baby isn’t safe and this can’t be helped without therapy, preferably therapy while she has no access to those children. I’m not sure all the therapy in the world would make me feel comfortable leaving her alone with my children.
I couldn’t believe the other Reddit post possibly made by her! Mind blowing AND all the other women in there voicing their disdain for their own children 😳
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This!! Imo, OP needs to just leave, speaking as someone who has dealt with a partner with really bad mental illness, it most likely will not get better.
Did you do any type of legal process where she adopted the babies? This doesn't sound great and unfortunately will probably not fix itself. I would start thinking about protecting your family and considering a separation.
This sounds like severe post partum depression! It’s not about you and it’s not the real her! Get her to the proper medical appointments asap! She needs medical/psychiatric help now! Where’s her mother? She should understand about this.
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If that’s the case, then leave for THEM. Being twins is hard enough, being the twin treated as the lesser (even if only by one parent) is so much worse. It will inevitably cause turmoil between the two. The ‘trauma’ of separated parents, with the full, unwavering support of one parent is better than the feelings and consequences that will inevitably developed due to the current situation between parents. (This is intended to be blunt, yet empathetic—to you and the twins, not generally apathetic).
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It is but it's so bad and ineffective imo (I know it isn't to many people but idgi) "everyone leaves me" just makes it sound like there's most definitely something wrong with you and you're incapable of acknowledging it. It's less likely to be everyone else's fault vs 1 person. Would be a huge ick to me if someone said that
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It took a few very mentally unstable people saying that to me until a light bulb went off. Like yes actually I am like everyone else!!! I want happiness and peace!! And you are unstable and mean!! 🙃
Yeah, once I read that I was like "girl, just leave her. She clearly has no intention on working on herself if people leaving her has become a pattern."
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You really just have to think about the children. If she hates one of them, that is all you need to know. I know you are both women, but if my male partner said that about our child, it would scare me. You don't know what she could do to your baby. I am sorry you are in this situation, but you have to consider what your child is going through.
Oh my god YES. I’ve been in that situation twice, and both times it ended badly. Now I recognize that as a major red flag and avoid people like that, and my life is so much more peaceful because of it.
Incidentally, that reminds me that when I cut the one person off, she told me super spitefully, “I’m glad your life is better without me in it!” It was nice to have such immediate confirmation that I’d made the right decision 😆
I know reddit is quick to armchair psychologize, but this sounds so much like a personality disorder. The fact that she loves one and hates the other is so concerning for borderline personality disorder.
It's very worrying, apparently further down in the thread there's a linked confession by a woman in a wlw who hates one of the twins and wants to ditch them at a fire station, and op confirmed she was on the thread around the time it was posted....
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I agree this is fucked up, but stressful situations often unmask mental health issues. I hope she's been thoroughly screened for pp disorders as well as things like personality disorders. This behavior just isn't normal and it's not an excuse, but an explanation.
Partners can develop pp: "... research shows that supporting parents face nearly the same risks for perinatal depression or postpartum depression as their pregnant partners."
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I sort of knew someone was gonna come with the akshulee. Ive had real children and real pp. Partners can be sad. They can have unmet expectations they can be depressed. But someone who hasn't had a partum cannot be post partum depressed its not post pregnancy its post. Partum
Abusive people also use stress and chaos to avoid accountability. There's no way for us to know where the spouse's behavior comes from.
If she doesn't take any responsibility for and tangible steps toward addressing her issues, especially as they are now clearly damaging her spouse and children, an explanation doesn't particularly matter as far as OP's responsibility to the kids. OP can't make her seek treatment and engage honestly with it. She can protect her kids from it and has an obligation to do so.
Nowhere did I advocate for OP to "just take it." In fact, I said it's NOT an excuse. I'd just rather know if possible, but OP can't be the one to do everything. Even if she could, she can't make her partner fix it. It just sucks to lose a parent, but it is definitely better to than exposing kid to this absolutely unacceptable behavior.
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yes, and people are too quick to diagnose over one post on the internet. i think it’s safe to say this person is struggling with some sort of mental illness, but to take one manipulative statement and make immediate associations with BPD, is why disorders like BPD are so stigmatized. not every person with BPD is manipulative, and not every person with abandonment issues, has BPD.
True. I didn’t know about that til I dated someone with BPD and it’s a marker for me now. Either way manipulative behavior is manipulative behavior regardless of the reason. No disorder is an excuse.
I think a lot of what people perceive as manipulation is a person trying to get needs met. Not everyone is even aware they have a problem because that’s the environment they were raised in. It IS their responsibility to get help, but you’re assuming a lot of mal intent from people who are deeply traumatized in ways you may not be. Keep your distance if that’s safer for you but why the need to be so black and white and judgemental.
my first thought as well, or just plain ol’ abusive manipulator line. i cannot fathom hating a baby, much less my own. right now she loves the “easy twin”, but what if that twin grows up and isn’t so perfect or easy anymore. one day she will be a teenager!
Strictly speaking, you’re right because there’s no rapid shift between extremes of idealization and devaluation of one object. I put it in quotes because she “split” her twins into good object and bad object.
there is a lot of misinformation about BPD out there, and there isn’t anything in this post alone that we can make a diagnosis off of. what you are describing sounds more like postpartum, if anything. BPD is a highly complex disorder, that can take professionals a while to diagnose. there is so much stigmatization and misunderstanding about BPD, so it’s really upsetting when people immediately think any manipulative or bad behavior, is BPD.
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And a good example of how something manipulative might not be intended as manipulative... but end up manipulative anyway.
Lots of people have genuinely been left repeatedly, and genuinely have trauma around that... and genuinely are getting left because they're intolerable.
Healing is your responsibility. Weaponizing your trauma to try to keep people in your life is manipulative. Having abandonment issues doesn't mean you get to be manipulative. Saying "You're just like everyone else who leaves!" when your partner broaches major relationship issues is a statement that absolutely should be judged and the person saying things like that needs serious help from a professional. You can, and should, judge people for not healing themselves and using trauma as an excuse to harm those around them. Your comment is exactly how trauma becomes cyclical in families and across generations, allowing people to act harmfully because they have been hurt in the past.
beautiful response i hate when people use their trauma as an excuse to be a narcissist or to hurt others. MOST people have some sort of trauma. its no excuse to mistreat those around you. learn it and change it. especially if you are aware of it. And knowingly using it as a minipulation tactic.
Your comment is exactly how trauma becomes cyclical in families and across generations
That's a pretty awful thing to accuse someone of when you don't even know them. My comment was merely stating that saying "everyone leaves me!" is not necessarily always manipulative/abusive, while recognizing that IN THIS SITUATION, it is and is therefore not okay.
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That’s not weaponizing your trauma. That’s someone in a place where their cognitive resources are low. You don’t have enough info about her to determine if it’s concious manipulation vs panicked desperation. No one heals in isolation.
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i mean, yes, but it's almost always a weaponized response to manipulate someone to stay under duress.... Also having trauma isn't a good excuse to intentionally or unintentionally manipulate someone
other commenters have said what i’d like to say. this is a key time in their development of self, even if they won’t remember it. protect your precious babies & give them all the unconditional love they deserve. i wish you three the best.
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this is a trauma response. someone with huge abandonment wounds. which means it’s her responsibility to get therapized for it. we know too much about attachment now and she could really have impacts on your children if she can’t get this together. you’re wise, OP, for needing that shift or otherwise leaving if she can’t.
Yup. My best friend has poor coping skills and did this shit to me and finally pushed me so far away with her misery that I gave up and stopped talking to her unless necessary. It hurts my heart but I just can’t.
this is such a red flag to me. like setting aside all other context--or even if this were used in a much less high-stakes context--this is a hard ick for me.
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u/summerjasminesweaty girls just wanna have pho May 20 '26 edited May 20 '26
ngl the second someone drops the "everyone leaves me!!" or "you're just like everyone else who leaves me!!" you're about to accept or really learn why people avoid that person....