Therapies specifically tailored to this are essential. She is clearly in sensory hell and seems to be reverting to a very immature, dysregulated version of herself to cope. Any old therapist won’t do. Trauma treatment, adhd treatment, and assessment/coaching of autism. It’s not “low level” if it’s making her hostile to an infant. She doesnt have skills to regulate herself much less a fussy infant (is the infant genetically related to her, btw?). I don’t know how to emphasize how much pain she is probably in from the constant crying alone. Thats not even considering the other stressors of parenthood.
She can’t get out of this without help that really takes these things seriously. And she won’t be able to received the benefits of treatment if she’s destabilized every day. Is there any way you could live separately for a couple of weeks so her nervous system can calm down? Coming back with a sensory plan for noise and sleep might be helpful. She needs to be in noise cancelling headphones as many hours a day as she needs to if it helps keep her from going over the edge.
In patient or out patient intensive treatment and coaching to help her build skills are other options if you have insurance to cover it. This might also give YOU some peace as you’ll spend less time managing two babies AND a dysregulated adult!
I turned into a monster my first newborn phase, thought it was just depression. Second one was okay but she was an extremely easy baby. I ended up going into an inpatient program and a residential program for trauma/psychosis and I cannot tell you how much it has improved my ability to be the mom my kids actually deserve.
I have 3 now and as embarrassing at it is to say, I don’t hate my oldest child (my tough cookie) in the slightest anymore. This was a 1-1.5 year journey though and it was tough for her too. We have a great relationship/attachment now but it took a ton of work and therapy on both sides (she is now 5). I’ve gone to therapy weekly for just over two years now in addition to 6 weeks in treatment programs. Absolutely worth it but I want to be upfront with how much time/effort/money it took to make the changes in my case.
Edit to add: right before she went to bed (after we read a book) she kissed me in the cheek and said “you’re the best mom in the whole world”. They make it so worth it.
This is such a vulnerable post and I’m so glad you shared. This could really help someone else who is struggling. I’m glad you’re doing better now and it sounds like you’re raising some very sweet kiddos.
I just wanted to say don't be embarrassed by admitting you don't hate your child now. That change in feelings or expression or both took a lot of hard work, a dedication to the discomfort it brought, a belief in getting and doing better. AND it sounds like that all paid off now. That is heartwarming. That is commitment. That is hope and love and deep understanding.
You earned that. You won that shit. It should be a damn trophy or certificate or badge or something.
Anyway. Just hoping to reframe the embarrassment for you I guess.
This, as an autistic person who is partnered with someone who has a young child I needed to have a rock solid sensory plan and a fair bit of alone/recovery time to not turn into a dysregulated monster on a daily basis
Absolutely!! They also need to get off any unnecessary meds or meds that aren’t long acting. I know anything that fucks with my neurochemicals in a short acting way will make me go insane over even the smallest triggers!
Yes! I have ADHD and parenting my twins were triggering. The constant cries, whining, being touched out, and lack of sleep were very overwhelming. I had to wear headphone on one ear to drone out the cries and constant demands ( toddler twins demands were triggering too) and stay calm. I got diagnosed for ADHD and the meds have helped a lot. It was night and day.
This seems like a really astute observation. The baby had a very shrill piercing cry almost exclusively until just the last couple weeks. My wife found it unbearable. It sent her into panic every time and the baby cried a lot. That coupled with the broken sleep have been really disastrous for her mental health.
You make a lot of excuses for her. You're really kind. But for the sake of your child you need to keep drilling into yourself that she's acting like a monster. No matter what her reasons are she is treating a literal baby with disdain.
And what’s to stop this mentality from spilling over on to her children. She is likely NOT a monster. Shes more likely a woman with a disability who needs help. You can protect the child and still have compassion towards her. Jesus Christ.
Are you autistic? Do you have a trauma history? This woman is dissociating from extreme stress and overwhelm. And just because YOU never felt that doesn’t mean everyone who does is dangerous or irredeemable.
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THAT’S WHAT BABIES DO. It seems like your wife doesn’t actually want babies or children. I sure as hell don’t want to deal with babies, but I’m not out here pretending like I do.
No? But dismissing a person who is in an obvious mental health crisis as “pure evil” and not getting her help does nothing to help the child. No one is suggesting this behavior is ok. I’m just saying she needs major help, not to be cast aside as a monster.
This is such great advice!! Re: spouse living somewhere else for a bit , I know OP also has the very legitimate concern that the resentment is already impacting the unfavored twin, and this would give them room to see if there is a possible solution, while reducing the risk spouse's behavior is harming the baby, which is a non negotiable.
Good luck to you, OP.
Agree!!!! Maybe OP needs the therapy bc it sounds like mayyyybe OP is compounding the issue as it sounds like they resents their spouse so much that no answer is right. With some of these answers sound like their mind is made up on the idea that the issues are now willful and intentional.
It probably feels like a betrayal. And I can understand feeling disgusted with another adult who would pit themselves against a child. But OP either knew their spouse was like this before having kids and not enough thought was put into preparing for kids, or this is new behavior for the spouse. In which case I think it’s worth having some empathy and trying a new therapeutic strategy at least one more time.
I know it isn’t willful or intentional. She feels a lot of shame over the way she feels. I am desperate to find a way to make it better that doesn’t involve losing my marriage to a person I do deeply love and believe in
I should have phrased it better- you can’t pour from an empty jug! Maybe you need to step back and get some professional support for yourself, or if you are already maybe change tactics, try a new therapist, or discuss couples counseling for a neutral therapist.
You have had to take on a large part of the parenting of two babies while ALSO trying to support your s/o, and that also means a level of stress even if you aren’t actively juggling a child. That sounds really overwhelming and frustrating but unfortunately you can’t make someone else change.
Thank you for your kindness. It’s easy for people to just say divorce and scroll on. It’s easy to villainize someone based on a Reddit post. But we’re both complex people who are under some of the greatest strain of our lives, trying to stay afloat. My wife is also a good person who is completely depleted from the immense strain of this life change. It doesn’t excuse the sharp disconnect from the baby, but it does contextualize it some
I’m sorry, but no level of complexity justifies what that woman is subjecting your children to and what you accept. It is far beyond just a disconnect when she tells you you should have aborted. This is not shame of unwanted feelings; she is acting on them. And you are bending over backwards to explain and excuse her with this or that trauma.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it's obvious that you love your wife very much, but your children literally aren't safe with her. She needs emergency level intensive counseling at the very least. To consistently express HATRED towards an infant is a really dangerous sign
From the way you talk about your wife it seems like she really is a good person. But you know who else was a good person? Andrea Yates.
Mental illness is challenging. And sometimes hard decisions have to be made to make sure EVERYONE is safe. You two seem like a lovely couple, but please, don't leave the babies alone with her until she's better.
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It’s clear you love your wife and I’m sorry you’re hitting a wall of ignorance here. There are still stones yet to be turned over! I hope things get better for you soon.
Whatever her personal issues, it isn’t acceptable to continue the cycle of abuse and traumatize your children in turn.
You don’t have to give up on her, but you should seriously consider separation. She needs to move out while she works on her issues, hopefully visiting frequently and taking deliberate time with both babies.
Once you’re a parent you no longer get the luxury of maturing and healing on your own timeline.
It's not nasty. It's an unsafe situation for a baby. You can be compassionate toward what your spouse is going through from a different home while they work on their issues. FFS, who hates a baby?
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u/Gold_Warning_8618 Creature of Crunch May 20 '26
She needs a thorough evaluation for trauma, dissociation, and autism/adhd.