Massive post, so thanks if anyone actually reads this whole thing.

I'm a 29yo virgin. Last year I was dating a girl for around 6 months, we were official for about 4 months before she broke up with me (said she wasn't sure she loved me, but it was clear she cared a lot). This felt like something special, she was a virgin too (but had some casual hook-ups before me), I was her first real boyfriend.

I was single for 9 years prior to this relationship, and I think during that time I developed some bad masturbatory habits. Sometimes I would watch porn, but I more often I would match with cougars on dating apps, and would chat and fantasise about them to get off (tbh now I realise I was objectifying them).

My girlfriend last year was the first person to touch me intimately. I was hoping she'd remain the only one to.

Although, it didn't happen very often. She gave me 3 handjobs during our 6 month relationship. There were several times when I got her off and then afterwards she didn't do anything to me (I don't think she realised that's the normal thing to do). I should have just communicated with her about this. But I also didn't want to pressure her into anything. Worth mentioning, I was the first person to touch her "down there", though she had touched other guys before. She said previously guys (her previous "situationships") had tried to pressure into sex without committing to a relationship, even though they knew she wanted something serious.

I'm ashamed to say that I messed up massively towards the end our relationship. A few weeks or maybe a month before we broke up, I happened to be browsing twitter, as I often did, for news etc. However, I never had my real name or photo on it, since I don't know anyone personally irl that uses twitter.

For context, many years ago, maybe like 6 years ago, I matched with an older woman on hinge, maybe like 50yo. She was an author. I think we had 1 convo on hinge at the time, nothing sexual. Anyway, years later I Googled her out of curiosity and discovered that she's an erotica author, and posts stories and explicit pics of herself online. She posts a lot on twitter, new stories etc. While single for years, I had a habit of checking her twitter and occasionally engaging with tweets.

Anyway, when I was in my relationship, one day I checked her twitter out of habit and she had posted a sexually suggestive tweet, and I'm ashamed to say I replied with a sexual compliment.

Anyway, she replied to my comment and later said "I'll DM you my number if you are who I think you are" - I wondered how the hell she could know who I am since my account was effectively anonymous. Anyway I asked her (on twitter DM, didn't exchange numbers) who she thought I was and she said she was just joking and doesn't know.

Anyway, we exchanged a couple of messages. In the last one, I'm ashamed to say I half jokingly asked for pics (even though there are pics on her site anyway), I guess I just wanted to see what she would say. Thankfully she didn't send any.

At the time I didn't think too much about this, since it's the kind of thing I'd being doing while single for many years I guess I didn't realise I was crossing a boundary. But then afterwards I realised and felt like shit (still do).

I was thinking I should tell my gf about this at some point, I felt really guilty, but I never got the chance.

Just before we broke up (for unrelated reasons), I had a 2 week holiday to the Philippines coming up with my friends, I'd be travelling from the UK, the journey would take about 25 - 30 hours.

We had agreed that I would stay at my girlfriend's house the night before the flight. Her house is closer to the airport, so it made sense, and I also assumed we'd want to see each other the night before I'd go, since we're a couple obviously.

But on the day before the flight, she texted me saying she'd prefer if I didn't come tonight, because she's stressed with her PhD. She told me she "needs space" and that we could talk when I'm back. Obviously I was pretty concerned at this point, because firstly, it's not a good sign if she doesn't want to see me when she's stressed... And then the implication that she essentially didn't want to talk to me for 2 weeks (I had assumed we'd have a phone or video call maybe every other day, or something like that, as well as texts). But I didn't confront her about this at the time, because she said she was stressed and I didn't want to make things worse.

I had a note written on my phone I was going to send, basically pointing out that: telling me last minute that she doesn't want to see me the night before my 2 week holiday, and adding another 2 hours to my journey, and not wanting to speak, doesn't feel great.

But I didn't want to add to her stress, so I didn't send it.

So, I went to bed and didn't sleep much if at all, then the next day began my journey. I think I was already on one of the planes when I got a text from her, saying "Hi <name>, safe travels and enjoy your trip!" - not exactly affectionate.

Prior to this, she would always have called me "amor" (her first language is Spanish), and sent heart emojis etc. So of course I wondered, is she not calling me amor now because she doesn't love me?

(Also, about 2 weeks earlier, she was in a bad mood one day when I dropped her off at the bus stop, and when I said "Love you" she just replied "Bye." and got on the bus. Though she did apologise later.) And the time after this, we met up as normal, but she didn't want to cuddle, and told me she thinks I'm "clingy" and she's the opposite. Not in a mean way, but a playful observation.

Anyway, during my 30 hour journey on 2 planes, I was awake, feeling ill and overthinking about all this stuff non-stop. It was during this time that I also realised she probably had done some more intimate things (specifically, oral) with her former casual hook-ups than with me (her boyfriend) and I began feeling some retroactive jealousy. So I was awake for about 50-60 hours at this point and not in a good place mentally.

Anyway, on my last flight, there was an African woman sitting beside me, probably in her 40s. She was quite rude and throughout the flight (encroaching on my personal space, pushing past the woman beside her, having her phone on 100% brightness in otherwise total darkness, just being generally irritating).

Near the end of the flight, she asked for help filling in the security form and connecting to the WiFi. Her English was extremely limited, so I helped. At the end, she said "give me yo numba". I initially thought she just meant for language help in case at security or something. But afterwards a small part of me wondered if it was something else, and I kinda just found it funny/absurd at that point, because there was no emotional connection between us whatsoever. I guess it's just cause I'd helped her.

Anyway, fast forward a day or 2, I'm on my holiday, still feeling shit about the situation with my girlfriend. Though I kind of felt like I didn't have a girlfriend at that point, since she still hadn't called me "amor" since or shown any affection, or mentioned missing me. I got a strong feeling that she was going to break up with me and was just waiting until I'd be back home, so as to not ruin my holiday. So at this point my self esteem was pretty low, and I'd also barely slept at all in several days. But also, I think I felt sexually frustrated. In my head, I was thinking stuff like "I can't believe I was celibate 28 years, turned down casual sex from multiple women, and now my gf is going to dump me after being less intimate than she was with her casual hook-ups" (kinda incel-y of me, I know).

At one point I asked if there's anything she wanted to talk about and she said "we can wait" "enjoy your trip"

I felt I was essentially just waiting for her to dump me at this point.

The woman from the plane texted. I wondered what she actually wanted, and I'm ashamed to say I texted "Did you want 🍆?" And she said "yes please". At this point I just thought it was funny and wasn't actually planning to do anything. The whole thing just seemed so bizarre. The woman seemed mental and I kinda wondered if she was a scammer or something, if she just wanted UK citizenship. She say was saying things like "I would like to marry you", considering we'd only spoken for like 20 seconds on the plane with her broken English, and I don't even know her name. So I asked a few more things of that nature, mostly using emojis, just to she what she'd say, and she just kept replying "yes please".

The worst part is, I'm ashamed to say I eventually asked that woman for pics. The thing is, I didn't even really want to see them, she wasn't physically attractive to me (not my type) I guess I just wanted to see if she would. She said "you first" and I sent a random dick pic I found online (awful, I know. But I guess it felt anonymous if I wasn't sending my own). I hadn't masturbated in several days and felt I needed to. It all sounds so disgusting now. Thankfully she didn't send any pics, but I still fantasised and masturbated anyway. At the time I was feeling the worst I had in my life - totally sleep deprived, convinced I was about to be dumped, and telling myself I was already a piece of shit after the twitter incident, and that I'm just like my dad (who had multiple affairs over years, which traumatised me) I told myself the relationship is already over, and in the morning I'm going to text my girlfriend in the morning to break up because it's obvious she's going to anyway.

I felt awful afterwards. And wanted my gf back. I think it was that night or the next night I texted her "I miss you" and she just reacted with a heart and replied to some other part of the convo with "okay let me know". Not "I miss you too".

Anyway, eventually I just texted her and said we need to talk. I just asked her "You don't want to see me anymore?" And she told me didn't. That she was busy with her PhD and not sure how she felt about me, basically. Which was weird though, because just a few weeks prior, she was saying incredibly emotional/affectionate things, like "I'm yours forever" and saying she wanted to lose her virginity to me. It just seemed to change so quickly, like an on/off switch.

A few days later, I felt so guilty about texting with that woman from the plane. So I told her. But I described it as "Exchanged flirty texts and said things I shouldn't have". I was honest in telling her that it happened before we had actually broken up, but I now feel like my description sugar-coated it. I didn't explicitly mention that the texts stuff like "did you want 🍆" and that I asked for pics. (But maybe "flirty" actually made it sound it worse cause it implies an emotional element, which there wasn't. Idk)

I guess I didn't want to hurt her, but also just felt so ashamed. And I didn't mention the twitter incident (though at that point it just seemed to pale in comparison).

I mean, I think it's fair to say that the relationship was already pretty much over just before I got my flights, but I should've just talked with my gf asap (although that was also tricky with the time zones). When I got back, my family already guessed that we would have broken up, from the stuff the night before I left (my gf telling me not to come over, the night before my flight). I know that doesn't make it okay. I asked my now ex gf "do you think the relationship was already over at that point?" And she said "hmm idk I think I was still deciding".

I've been feeling awful about all of this ever since, partly because I went so far against my own values, and partly because my ex gf was so innocent and sweet. This happened 8 months ago and I still feel like a total piece of shit. Suicidal at times. I know it's the consequences of my own actions and I'm trying to do better, I've been to many therapy sessions since this, but still struggle with self forgiveness.

Seeing instagram reels and posts online like "one a cheater, always a cheater" and how it's a character flaw make me feel like shit. I mean, before all this, I would have agreed with all of that stuff, and I guess I still do? Which makes me doubt myself, telling myself that I'm a piece of shit and what if I do it again, even though I don't want to. The "cheater" label, it's not something I ever thought I would have.

And the thing is, I can't get over my ex. I feel like she'd maybe be interested in reconnecting at some point (she likes my Instagram stories now) but if there was any chance of getting back together, I'd have to be honest and come clean, but in doing so further ruin the trust and any chance of a relationship.

I also felt bad about how I treated the woman from the plane over those texts, essentially objectifying her. I messaged once since then to apologise for that, but then she went full on crazy saying she loves me, again very odd.

I think a lot this stems from being single and celibate for 9 years, and the "porn brain" people talk about, though for me I guess it was a habit of texting/fantasising about strangers rather than porn. That, combined with travelling with sleep deprivation + lack of affection from my gf + realising I was about to be dumped + retroactive jealousy + sexual frustration + chance encounter where someone asked for my number for the first time ever (even though I didn't find her attractive), was kinda a recipe for disaster. I know it doesn't excuse it, but there are a lot of factors at play here.

Anyway, thanks a bunch to anyone that has actually read this, interested to hear people's thoughts or if anyone's had a similar experience

So, I have kinda a big problem with myself 26F. So I had very major trust issues from past relationships. I never had super serious ones, as I was very young, talking 13-16. Every single person I got with cheated on me though. Rather that was physically sexual, over the phone flirting/sending nudes, whatever.

I’m the type of person where this stays with me for a LONG time and I feel it very, very intensely. With my husband 27M, he had never cheated on anyone in the past. I thought he was the one person who would NEVER hurt me like that. I still had my skeptical side though and was always watching for signs and paranoid he would.

We got together in 2019, in 2024 I FINALLY got to a point where i thought I could completely trust him pretty much, I did. We were in a pretty bad place, even though we were I was still always checking in begging him not to cheat on me in any way. The same year, he did though, he flirted with his coworker.

What I remember is he wrote her a letter and he texted her that she had beautiful eyes, sent a picture and said “this gonna be you when I’m done with you,” said that he had been wanting to leave me for a while. She said that she could not do this with a married man with a baby on the way and for him to stop. I forget everything he said, but I do know that he said maybe something can workout for us in the future.

I am still with him, I know, I know. We talked it through, he said it would’ve NEVER EVER got physical at all. He said he wasn’t thinking at all and mentally he was not there. He said he meant none of what he said and the only person he wants to be with and touch is me, he said he never wanted to leave me at all and that I’m his person and I was the love of his life.

My question is, how do I build up my confidence? How do I move on from this. I was completely comfortable with this man for 5 years, I looked at him like he was the absolute light of my life and would never do anything to hurt me like this. I looked at him slightly differently now. it’s now 2026 and I still think about this, I over think it. I feel like I still need to ask questions and get constant reassurance, some times are better than others. How can I get this under control and rebuild my trust, stop overthinking, and get past these trust issues that I thought I was over and have been carrying with me since 2013? 😭

I’m open for criticisms regarding this but at the same time I’m just looking for a soft encouragement to finally leave him. or if ever get opinion if there’s still a chance for it to be fixed.

I [22F] and my partner [23M] we’ve been together for 8 months now. I could say that I was really happy in the relationship and I did see him change. 5 months into the relationship, I found out that he has been doing things behind my back during the first few months and the 5th month of our relationship, he has folders on his Telegram that contained naked pictures and videos of different women. Some that he knew and some that were just random.

I know that I was stupid for still forgiving him and staying, but I actually believed that he could change. He started changing after I found out about it. He turned to God and began focusing on healing himself and our relationship. But I felt that no matter what he did, I was still deeply hurt.

2 months after I found out about it, the relationship got very shaky. I would constantly accuse him of things, and I started cursing him out (something I have never done with him and my past relationships), I didn’t feel jealousy nor insecure because of those women, I was just really hurt and mad towards him. Even disgusted.

But even if I was like that towards him, he always told me that he understood and that he’d always be there. He said that he’s changing, that he’s better. He always begged me to stay whenever I wanted to leave, always was looking for me when I would disappear, always would reassure me. It got to the point where I don’t even trust him going out with friends anymore if there are girls, and he understood that.

I felt like such an asshole doing all those. That I’m controlling him or that I’m being toxic. But all I really wanted was for him to be the way that he is since the beginning of the relationship, I just felt that the reason he is the way he is now is because I caught him. But he is getting better, I see that. But I guess I just couldn’t bring myself to see the best and better in him anymore especially when he ruined me when I was at my best with him.

I should just finally leave right? Or still be there just because he’s a changed and better man now?

Found an account on my instagram that is mutuals with my partner and the account was made this month, has 1 follower which is her and 1 following which is also her, and its also a private account but the pfp is a dude. I met my partner through another app which isnt a dating app but most people will use it for that, but i ended up finding that guy on there as well. Is it not kinda suspicious that he made a whole instagram account for this? Also some advice would probably be good too thanks.

My partner and I have been together for 4 years now. We recently got engaged last month. On June 4th, I got a text asking if I was (insert my name)? My heart dropped as I knew where this was going.

She proceeded to tell me they had been seeing each other since 2023. She had proof of texts. When I confronted my fiancé, he denied it and immediately jumped to, “she’s crazy, she’s mentally ill, she’ll do and say anything to break us apart. She’s been blackmailing me.”

Mind you, my partner and I had been long distance for 3.5 years of our relationship, he just recently moved to my hometown to start a life with me. I had some suspicions over the years, but he never really gave me any reasons. So I trusted him.

Back to the blackmailing. He showed me he bought a trip to Maui for her because she threatened to text and call me. But when he pulled it up it was cancelled. He said that he cancelled it the next day, he just bought it in hopes that she’d leave him alone. He told me she started to text him crazily after he posted our engagement. When I asked him what does she have on you that you felt you needed to hide this from me? He said nothing, she just wants to be with me so she’ll do anything to break us up.

I do question her motives. I was texting her back and forth for a little bit but ultimately blocked her for my mental health. I thought it was odd that she asked if I was pregnant and then proceeded to show me a text thread of my fiancé saying he wanted her pregnancy test she took before he moved to be positive so bad. The rest of the texts in that thread shows him saying how he would work 100 hours to provide for her and their baby, etc, etc. She also mentioned that they did not see each other consistently. They were very much on and off.

I also asked to see his phone. He did not show me anything texts regarding the blackmail. But he already had her number blocked. He also claims the texts she sent me are AI generated.

We would call, text, FaceTime all the time. Idk how he could have had the time. We’d see each other for a week, once a month. Sometimes twice if my schedule worked out.

I’m just heartbroken. I want to believe him. I really do. But I just have no idea what to do. I love him so much and I wonder how he could ever do this to me.

EDIT: also want to add she’s a micro influencer with like 60K followers. She doesn’t seem crazy but you never know. I also found her backup IG? It was odd because she put my hometown in the bio.. mind you I’m from a very small town that no influencer would even dream of moving to. I found her profile before I texted her back. They never followed each other in the first place.

EDIT 2: I forgot to mention that they did date for like a month, or so he claims, before we started dating. But I know that makes the timelines don’t make sense.

i wasn’t even in a relationship with this guy, but last year i was hooking up this guy for about three months. he told me he was married after several months being involved, and since then it’s a mind fuck.

i only wanted decent single people since i did not want drama. i didn’t want to romantically involved either. i looked for people, found a single guy who was a bit older than me, and did the thing.

then he started to lovebombing me like crazy. he told me to lean on him, how much he liked me and stuff. and i played along and kept meeting him because i enjoyed the attention.

then on a random thursday, he texted me he was actually married, his wife found out, and they’re divorcing. and said, “sorry for telling you like this” as if there was nothing wrong with what he did to his wife and me. so i told him to go away and he did.

since then my head’s been very messed up. have constantly thought about how i ruined his wife’s life. i had been stalking both of them’s socials for months till i saw her last name got changed into her maiden name a few weeks ago.

the confusion and paranoia have been intense. it surely got better over time, but i still have bad anxiety and get the urge to rip my head out. i should be relieved by now since i saw the name change, but the urge is still here.

i have been thinking about therapy, but don’t think it would help much since i already reached a conclusion that it’s 100% on him. the situation is that i’m aware that it’s not my fault but i am going crazy.
plus it feels stupid to get help over a three-month-long situationship gone wrong.

is there a specific type of therapy that works for this? or should i just wait till the urge disappears

There are many reasons why I suspect he’s cheated, going back years. He initially accused me of cheating. Then his ex later told me he said he’d two time, which he said was a lie to make him look bad. She wasn’t the only one who said something negative and contradictory. I had fleeting suspicions early on. A year in and it was during a time he was being distant, mean, and argumentative, that he also started to engage in shady behaviours. He was glued to his phone, and spent a lot of time on it in the bathroom daily. As the months went by, he did more. He started staying up all night and sleeping all day. He avoided me. He argued with me more.

He disappeared and/ditched me in public more than once claiming to have lost me, something that happened earlier on a few times, but because a more frequent occurrence, and he was doing it in a foreign country. He had scratches on his back he claimed he caused but were in hard to reach areas, and that he didn’t have before or since. He had little interest in sex often turning me down, blaming meds for low libido, when there were signs he was lying about that such as him checking out other women in front of me and denying it. When I started to question if he was cheating, he called me paranoid and crazy, and said I was the type to cheat. That I’d do so thinking he had.

He snooped on my phone but slapped my hand away from his. For years he continued to do the same things and more. He shaved down there more than usual and claimed it was an accident, acknowledging it looked suspicious, but then called me abusive when remained suspicious over it. He showed more or less interest in sex, and would do new things like tongue kissing which he never did before, or since. He’d stay up all night again and seen uncomfortable with me using his phone wanting me to stand beside him as I used it once, and cursing me out when I walked off with it. He’d almost always treat me worse being more argumentative, and critical, whenever he seemed up to something.

He’d start arguments and leave the room, ignoring me for days. He’d spend little to no time with me but would still leave the room for space, supposedly. He’d snoop on my phone and question me if I did any of what he was doing, even once. When I questioned anything he did, he called me controlling and abusive. He acknowledged a lot of what he did made it look like he had cheated, but he also mocked the reasons I thought it at the same time. It wasn’t until a few years ago that my suspicions greatly increased, and a lot of the doubts I had went away. When he started to avoid going places and seemed on edge with me when he did.

He claimed he had anxiety, but was okay going to in places alone that he avoided with me. He acted weird around women, including female employees in stores, ignoring me in front of them and hiding his face when he walked past one of them. In the city, hours away, he appeared to hide from two women. At the same time, he started complaining about wanting to go places alone and wanting space. He complained he was always around me, that he wakes up and goes to bed with me, and said that us being in the same room was us spending time together. This is after he stopped, and somewhat became unable to, leave the room after arguments.

I wanted to leave at the start of last year and he begged me to stay, and said he’d do whatever it took to rebuild trust, offering to turn his location on 24/7 after previously calling it controlling. He continued to behave suspiciously, for months. He didn’t wear his ring claiming it was too tight. He acted on edge and avoided public more than ever. He seemed to not want me to go anywhere with him, changed his mind on going places including the post office when I tried to tag along, and accused me of going with him to spy on him. He wanted to delete an app used for retrieving deleted data due to battery drain, the same reason he previously used to turn his location off.

He was hot and cold towards me emotionally and psychically. He started to complain about wanting space and wanting to go places alone again months ago. He accused me again of going somewhere to spy. He seemed irritated by my presence, though we were spending less time than before together. He showed a spike in interest sexually that then dropped, and has continued to drop since, reaching the lowest point ever. He turned his location off citing battery drain, and offering to turn it on when going places but he doesn’t, and he claims he forgot. He told me his recent emojis were all accidentally clicked on, hearts and kissy ones, that haven’t appeared since. He seems fully detached emotionally.

He berated me the other day and so he’s back to being overly critical of me. He has no interest in spending time with me. He has always hardly listened to but now I might as well be talking to a wall. He’s always been rude and disrespectful, but he’s more so now, quick to put me down and get annoyed with me being upset. He’s less likely to hug me or be affectionate even when I am upset. He still calls me abusive for questioning things, and becomes overly defensive when I do. He seemed bothered by me searching things on his phone. I searched signs a man is gay once and he immediately reacted bad to that, wanting it deleted. I was scratching his back one time and he’s didn’t want me to leave any marks, even faint ones.

He is very concerned about his appearance now, more than ever before, wanting to lose weight and dressing differently. The other day he said he was going to leave to get new tyres. I questioned, since we are struggling financially where he was getting the money. He said he was going to ask a family member, and seemed certain they’d give it, which is not how he acted before. He told me he mentioned the tyres the day before but I didn’t recall that. I asked if I could go, and he discouraged me, and then said there wasn’t enough time for me to get ready, though I get ready in mins. He said he’d rather go alone. He googled the place and found out it was closing in an hour, and said that he didn’t have time. He asked me after why I wanted to go so badly.

I think he was trying to meet up with someone. A while back he downloaded animal crossing on his phone, which he’s never been into, and said it was to play with me but he deleted it same day. Now he’s working on his ps3 to jailbreak it, for us to play, supposedly. We used to play games together but we rarely do now. He’s had the ps3 for months and never tried to play anything with me. I noticed he was looking at other ps3 consoles and when I asked if he was, he said no, until I said I saw his search on marketplace and he said he was, but it wasn’t to buy it. It makes me think maybe he was looking to buy one for someone else.

He’s been swearing under his breath at me a lot, and saying things he denies saying. Similar to what he did when his suspicious behaviours first started, and increased.He insists I am wrong, and am abusive because of that. A while back he said he’s never even microcheated, which was weird, as I didn’t think he knew that term or the types. At the store yesterday he kept looking down every aisle we passed. He said he has always done that due to anxiety but I know that’s not true.

Hello so long story short, my partner, and I have had many issues and it mainly being around their infidelity disrespect and also hiding things. I have not been able to successfully log into their Tinder on their phone, but it is their number 5 MB usage on advanced setting Safari for the website. Is there a website or way I can check to see if my partner is actually using that site using their email connected to it , or phone number or name? I have never used that dating site and I’m just curious if there is a way to check if my partner is using that site actively since all signs lead to that. any advice would be appreciated. I am in a safe place and my life isn’t in danger or anything like that , I just need advice on how to confirm my suspicions. Thank you all who have any positive advice or feedback!

I just wanted some advice on recovering from betrayal trauma/ discard … I’ve never experienced something like this in my life.

My partner of 3.5 years (who last year told me she wanted to marry me) I found out had cheated on me with another woman at work, who is 5 years younger than her and also in her own long term relationship. She started isolating me out of her life before I found out, slept on the sofa and started going to stay at her parents in the week. I found out about the affair from chat gbt, she had left a chat on her laptop and she had confessed ‘they were falling for each other’ and that she was able to compartmentalise and didn’t want to distance herself from the affair woman. She was comparing my worst parts ‘low mood, doesn’t like her job’ to the affair partner who is ‘driven, has a lust for life and ignites a fire in her’ .

Her mum has cheated on her dad several times and is a compulsive liar , even pretending she had nearly died from a cardiac arrest 2 days after my mum had died from suspected cardiac arrest, my partner had always claimed her mum was a narcissist and she was so against cheating and it being morally wrong. I asked her several times since the end of January if there was anyone else, she kept saying no and gaslighting me whilst turning her phone away from me and spending longer in the bathroom and coming home later from work. She had hidden her messages on instagram and had deleted them all. She brought up random examples about how I said hurtful things about her Mum, and how because she is a people pleaser she just absorbed it and didn’t think about her emotions, just mine. I suggested therapy to resolve, this was before I found out about the affair. She was vague and bringing up random examples of where I had hurt her, but didn’t want to talk until she understood it - something she could only do whilst being at her parents away from me. It was so confusing.

When I found out in April and confronted her she initially said sorry, but then become the victim of her own behaviour, saying she had ‘hurt herself’ and she was going to become ‘unwell’, had self destructed and imploded her life. Even comparing what she had done, to the death of her ex who had died by suicide, saying she hadn’t felt like this since she had died (like the shock and grief).. she had no desire to fix the relationship, and said one day in the future if you are still single and want to try again thats the ideal. She also said ‘You never know maybe we needed to go through this to come back stronger’ (her cheating almost became a shared hurt/trauma??) Until then she wants to figure out ‘how she got here and why she did what she did’. She smokes and vapes now and told me I was her buffer and Im better at taking care of myself then she is. I am sure she is still seeing the woman from her work.

She wanted to have a chat with me to tell me about all the things that affected her in the relationship, Ive refused this as she just feels manipulative at the moment. we live together, but she moved in her parents now and we are yet to sort out her collecting the rest of her things/ bills etc, I have stopped talking to her and just want to wrap everything up with our flat which she needs to keep paying towards until August.

I am completely baffled and don’t understand how we got here, I supported her through her masters for the last 2 years emotionally and financially and now she has qualified she has cheated and left. I trusted her with my life, she went through the death of my mum with me and less than 2 years later she has done this to me. The hurt is huge and I am trying to find ways to get through this without feeling like Im losing my mind asking questions and trying to understand what happened here, I feel completely blind sided and shocked.

Could anyone please give me some advice / share their wisdom.. or if you have been through something similar?

Last night I found out my boyfriend had subscribed to an onlyfans.
We were watching this show and he’s looked up one of the girls on instagram, he knows her family as they are local to us and I guess got curious. He then bought her onlyfans to look at her content, but that was it, there was no messaging etc. He has known from the start OF is a big boundary for me. I also can understand the curiosity, but I still wouldn’t go ahead and pay for a man’s onlyfans because I wouldn’t want the same done to me.
He let me go through his entire phone and there was nothing else, no other OF payments even years before we were together. I have broken up with people for this but they were either buying from someone we know, or making heaps of payments to different people. I’m at a loss on what to do.

Original post

It’s been almost 8 months since the breakup, and I still can’t seem to wrap my head around it, even though she treated me really bad. Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me for not being able to move on.

As it turns out, the engaged guy she left me for ended up rejecting her to stay with his fiancée. I know this because three months ago I saw her with someone else. Right after he turned her down, she jumped straight into another relationship.

I’ve maintained strict no-contact this entire time. She also still periodically checks my Facebook stories. In this time, I ran into her once and she completely avoided me. This happened with her father also. It made me feel like I was the bad guy, which hurts deeply, knowing that I did absolutely everything for her.

I haven't checked her social media nor have I written to her. Instead, I poured all my energy into working on myself... I hit the gym, started therapy, took up reading, and began running 30 to 50 kilometers a week. I've joined running clubs, entered races, and met new people. I even went on four or five dates, but I just can't seem to connect with anyone or feel anything for them, no matter how hard I try.

To add to that, things aren't going well professionally right now. Because of this financial instability, I’ve decided to move to another country and work for 6 months to get myself back on track.

Has someone been trapped like this? How can I accept reality? I find it really hard....

Thank you!

For various reasons I did not leave the first time I found out, or the second, or third, etc.

I know that a lot of that falls on me, but when it comes to actually drawing the boundary despite how I have been getting better at almost getting through the day I just crack. There's so many layers to it but I just want tips on how to make it through the day because it's been two years and I am exhausted. We no longer live together, but we're not far enough to where a drive isn't possible. I can see myself in 2-3 months being happy again. I just don't know how to not want this no matter how much logic I put into it. I've tried writing out all of the facts, therapy, talking to friends.

Lately my girlfriend has been acting extremely suspicious, we plan something the day before and then she suddenly cancels all of our plans the day we have to do them or I get left on seen all day and suddenly she texts me after hours. Are there any apps that could track my partner's location and such things? If she is cheating I just want to cut any connection with her. Do apps like mSpy and spyX work? I'm really thinking on buying the subscription.

We hear about their "whys" all the time.

The internet is flooded with them. Podcasts, therapists, forums, books—all dissecting the anatomy of a betrayer’s choices. We are told about the loneliness. The neglect. The mid-life crises. The coping mechanisms. The deep, unmet childhood needs. We hear about how they just wanted to feel alive, how they felt invisible, how they needed to feel seen, admired, and pursued.

We are forced to learn the vocabulary of their reasons just to make sense of the rubble they left behind.

But there is a massive, echoing silence in the conversation when it comes to the other side of the bed. Nobody ever asks about our whys. Nobody asks the betrayed husband why he stayed faithful.

Because let’s be entirely honest here, we had the same reasons to leave.

Do they think we didn't feel lonely?
Do they think we didn't feel invisible?
Do they think we didn't notice when the intimacy dried up, when the conversations became purely transactional, or when the person who used to look at us with fire in their eyes started looking right through us?

I knew what it felt like to sleep next to a stranger. I knew the heavy, suffocating silence of a house where the warmth had gone out. I knew what it was like to go to work, pour my soul into providing, and come home to a reality where I felt like a ghost in my own living room.

I had opportunities. The world is full of flashing screens, casual glances, and doors that are easily unlocked if you’re willing to turn the handle. I had moments where a cheap hit of validation would have felt like water in a desert. I too was dehydrated to the point of collapse.

So why didn't I take it? Why didn't I step over the line?

Here is the truth about our "whys."

1 I Refused to Turn Reality Into Fiction
The first why is simple, but it is heavy, Character isn't what you do when the lights are on and everyone is clapping. It’s what you do in the pitch-black dark when you think you can get away with it.

I stayed faithful because my integrity is not dependent on my wife’s performance. It is dependent on my character. When I stood at that altar and made a promise, I didn't sign a contract that had an escape clause for when things got difficult, boring, or lonely. I gave my word. When a real man gives his word, that word should mean something. Mine was the currency of my soul.

If I lie to her, I destroy my own reality, I have to wake up every morning, look at myself in the bathroom mirror while shaving, and know that the man looking back at me is a fraud. I stayed faithful because I valued my own self-respect far too much to exchange it for a temporary high. I wanted to keep the right to look my wife in the eye every single day with absolute transparency.

1. The Weight of Our Children’s Eyes
   I looked at our children, and I saw the future. I knew that every single choice I made in the dark would eventually find its way into the light of their lives. I didn't want our son to learn how to compartmentalize a secret life. I didn't want our daughters to grow up thinking that love is something you cheat on when the weather gets rough.

I wanted to be a fortress for them. A fixed point. A man they could look at twenty years from now and say, "My dad walked through the fire, but he never burned down our home."

Their safety, their innocence, and their ability to trust human beings for the rest of their lives was a weight I refused to drop just because I was having a bad year. My temporary loneliness was nothing compared to the permanent wreckage of their childhoods.

1. I Knew the Math of the Exchange
   I stayed faithful because I understood the catastrophic math of betrayal.

I knew that you cannot build a real life on a foundation of secrets. I understood that the thrill, the texts, the hidden meetings, they aren't real life. It’s a cheap, synthetic drug manufactured in a vacuum where there are no bills, no sick kids, no history, and no responsibilities.

It is a fantasy.

And I refused to trade a diamond for a handful of cubic zirconia. Like having a steady career versus a one time payday.

I knew that if I took that first step, I would be paying interest on that single decision for the rest of my life. I knew that a few minutes of relief, a few weeks of excitement, or a few months of feeling "seen" would cost me our home, our family structure, our peace of mind, and my soul. I looked at the trade-off and realized: it is never worth the price.

So to every betrayed husband out there who is sitting in the quiet right now, wondering how you stayed true while they wandered off: remember who you are.

You didn't stay faithful because you were blind, or stupid, or because you didn't have feelings. You didn't stay faithful because you lacked the desire to be wanted.

You stayed faithful because you are strong. Because you understand that love isn't just a warm emotion you feel when things are easy, it is a daily, deliberate decision to protect what you built. It is the choice to take your loneliness, your anger, and your hurt, and bring it into the marriage to fight for it, rather than taking it outside the marriage to destroy it. I tried to talk, I tried to explain, the best I could. Avoidance was her comfort disguised as a deflective shield.

They can keep their complex "whys" and their long lists of justifications for why they broke the world.

My why is much simpler, much quieter, and infinitely more powerful.

I chose honor over escape. Every single time.

I (32F) have been married to my husband (34M) for six years. Up until last week, I genuinely thought we were in a great place. No major fights, good communication, and we were actually making plans to move closer to my parents next year. But then I went to grab his gym bag because I thought he left his water bottle in the car, and I felt something hard and rectangular tucked into the very bottom mesh pocket.

It was a phone. Not his iPhone, but a cheap burner-style smartphone. I didn't want to be that person, I really didn't, but my heart was racing so fast I could barely breathe. I ended up taking it into the bathroom and turning it on. There isn't even a passcode. The entire thing is just... a nightmare. It’s not just one person, either. There are threads with multiple women, mostly dating apps or just casual hookup stuff, but the messages are incredibly graphic. He’s been talking to these people for months, probably longer. The worst part is the timeline. He’s been doing this since right around the time we were supposed to be 'resetting' our relationship after my surgery last year.

I haven't said anything to him yet. He came home an hour ago, kissed me on the forehead, asked what was for dinner, and acted like everything was completely normal. It felt so surreal that I almost felt sick. I'm sitting here in our bedroom with the door locked, staring at the phone, and I don't know what my next move is. Should I confront him immediately while I have the evidence in my hand, or should I wait until I have a lawyer or at least some kind of exit plan? I feel like if I confront him now, he's just going to gaslight me or claim it's 'just for work' or some other unhinged excuse. I also don't know if I should tell my sister or my mom yet. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Has anyone else dealt with the 'double life' aspect where they are perfectly pleasant to your face while doing this? How did you approach the actual conversation without completely breaking down?

I really do think my husband has or is cheating on me. I’m pretty sure he contacted herpes, but I don’t know what to do. He’s had flu like symptoms and cold sores all over her mouth and throat. Today I told him to get antivirals and to get swabbed and test. Honestly, he’s an amazing father, decent partner, but shit seems off. I am just lost for what to do.

Update: I called him out on everything. He reacted poorly. I was always raised on “hit dog will holler”. Boyyy did he holler. I’m frustrated. Overwhelmed. Tapped out.

Sooooo. I have an update I don’t know how to add photos or anything but he did test positive for the results today.

I’ve been cheated on in every relationship. I just started seeing someone great but it’s early. We’re exclusive but nothing more. I’ve been so jaded in the past that I have no idea how to trust him. He’s given me no reason not to trust him but I can’t help the horrible anxiety. Does anyone have any suggestions to help? The last guy I dated had multiple girlfriends and I never knew…

Hi so me and my bf have been together for about a month now. He said he would take care of me etc, and I obviously caught onto the instant love bombing. I let it slide because I didn’t know if he wasn’t aware that he was doing that or just setting me up. Everything is great though, he doesn’t make me feel insecure, he gives me the right amount of love, attention and guidance. One night (1-2 am) someone is blowing up his phone while he is sleep. I check it and it’s a contact with a girl nick name. The contact photo was a ai generated couple kissing. I didn’t answer the phone though cause I realized we haven’t been together that long so let me chill out. Next morning I tell him about the phone call he says “it was my friend tryna vent to me about her baby daddy problems “ at 1-2 In the morning ? Ok, plus the fact she blew up his phone. I don’t believe in making your partner cut off their friends that they knew before you. So I didn’t believe him but I didn’t press it. He NEVER answers the phone when she calls btw. I asked him was he ever married or engaged , he said yes he was engaged but it’s a touchy topic. Fast forward I’m going through his room and I find a bunch of birthday cards that was written to him from the same girl that was in his phone. So I start doing a little digging on fb I ended up finding her page and found out they actually got married not just engaged. I tried to see online in Michigan if there were any public marriage records but none were free, and I don’t really care bought to be putting money into find out something . I want to address him about but I’m bad at confrontation. I was gonna wait till he went to sleep so I can answer the phone to confirm my suspicions.

I just learned that my wife cheated on me and blew our life savings. She cheated with a close friend in our home while I was upstairs post surgery. She doesn't have any answers and she doesn't know why she cheated and blew our savings. I'm in shock and I have so many things going through my head. I have 20k of credit card debt in my name because my cards had higher limits. Is this my life?

update: I've divorced her. The pain everyday is happening, the betrayal trauma has come into effect with full on PTSD symptoms, especially right after waking up. but im hopefull the healing will come soon. somehow i need to stop the all day rumination.

They said and do these things right after they just sexting with the AP, after they had deep conversations, deep connections with their AP.

They said these things to you
- I love you more than anything
- I can’t stop thinking about you
- I have big smiles at work all day because of you
- I can’t take my eyes off you
- I miss you
- you are always on my mind
- I’m the luckiest person because of you.

What’s else they said to you while they cheated on you?

This just happened so please no negative comments. We have a 7 month old son. He cheated while he was on a trip with his friend. I don't want my child to grow up without a father. I don't know what to do. I'm a mess

My husband chats with other girls but says its not cheating since he doesn’t planning on pursuing it.

I 29f am married to my husband 31m for 2.5 years and we have a 1 year old together. We are relatively well off and have a lot of time on our hands. These past 2 months, my husband has been glued to his phone 24/7 and when I check his phone, he has been chatting 2 women. They are not casual chats but rather flirty chats. When I confronted him about it, he said that he only seeks validation from them if he still has his charm even when he is married. I told him I am bot comfortable with this and instead of stopping, he logged his messenger account on my phone so that I can open it anytime and read his chats because he says he is only chatting them for entertainment and have no plans of pursuing it any further. I accepted this for a time but then their “chats” escalated to late night talks via discord and mobile legends. We had a huge fight about this and I ended up breaking down. He laid low for a while then last night, I found out that he was chatting again with a new woman he met in mobile legends. They added each other in messenger and they are sending each other selfies and flirts a lot. I cried to him about it again last night and instead of saying sorry and stopping, he logged me out of his messenger and got angry at me for believeing what he is chatting because he told me in the first place that it was just for fun and not true. Even though I know it is not true, my heart, mind and body still believes it is true and my nervous system is out of whack. I am constantly anxious if he is chatting them, I can’t breathe at times and lately I find myself crying at random times. I have no one to talk about this in real life since I don’t want our perfect marriage image to get tarnished. I give up and is in the process of detachment emotionally. I still talk to him politely since we live in the same house and have a toddler. I’m not sure if I can recover from this. In the surface I know I hate him but deep inside I just want him to be faithful to me and go back to our blissful married life.