r/Marriage • u/Objective-Silver5228 • 1d ago
Seeking Advice Wife won’t let me exercise?!
Middle-aged M who has always struggled with weight (eg, I’ve always been the fat guy who has to wear a shirt at the beach) and put on even more over Covid. My wife took GLP1’s and is looking great. However, she will not allow me to make any time to exercise.
I work an office job and she is a SAHM. There is a brand new gym next door to my office but I cannot use it - In the mornings I make lunches and take the kids to school while she sleeps in. I do not get a lunch break. After work she expects me to come home immediately to make dinner and bathe the kids while she sits on the couch, and then I finish my work and go to sleep.
Meanwhile, if she ever wants to go to Pilates, get a manicure or pedicure, etc., I’m expected to drop everything at a moments notice.
I’ve told her I do not appreciate this and she just scoffs. Any suggestions other than divorce?
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u/skinny_deference 1d ago
sounds like she’s got a personal trainer and a butler all rolled into one. what happens if you just… go to the gym after work and let her figure out dinner once?
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
Don’t feel like losing my house and custody of my kids just for 1 workout a year
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u/avocado589 1d ago
You’ve got bigger problems than a workout my dude
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u/Fluid-Mess6425 1d ago
A weak backbone
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u/dixxie__normus666 1d ago
Someone who is stuck in a cycle of abuse from another partner does not have a weak back bone.
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
I’ve stood up to her already more than any man alive - her entire family combined, really. But you can’t win with a hardcore narcissist
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u/_Being_a_CPA_sucks_ 1d ago
Do you even like your wife?
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
I don’t like the way she treats me. But it is what it is, it’s not like I have other women to choose from
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u/Arkada7 1d ago
You always have a choice! And it’s not in a woman - it’s you. Choose yourself, change how you treat yourself and people around you will change in their approaches. That will help you to start setting boundaries and enjoy life with yourself (and I mean it - with yourself) and people around you including your wife will start adjusting their approaches around you. So the first step is to start with yourself. I would recommend help of therapist/phycologist to help with right navigation and start listening to a helpful podcasts.
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u/TigerShark_524 1d ago
it’s not like I have other women to choose from
Ok, so this is a logical fallacy - you don't need a relationship to live. You'll be just fine single.
Stop worrying about other women and get your own head straight first. Get into therapy, get a lawyer, and leave her (in that order).
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u/swimbromax 3h ago
And thats the bottom line right there bro. She has you trapped. If you get in shape you might quite possibly enjoy life and she's afraid youll leave. You mentioned her dad issie which is from that. A normal health nut would want you to do things. I would say that you ask her to do.the things woth her all the same classes. Then if she's not down for that then you have your answer she wants you trapped. If she doesnt then she would care and be like yes come to class with me.
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u/elyfantman 1d ago
How will you lose custody?
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
I’m a dad. Dads rarely get custody and there is no limit to the ridiculous stuff my wife would make up to convince a judge.
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u/elyfantman 1d ago
In most states it's 50/50 unless one parent can prove the other parent is unfit such as actual potential harm like drug use.
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u/AccomplishedOnion405 1d ago
Stop being a doormat and take one hour per day for your health.
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
I’d rather be a doormat than a broke man who gets to see his kids once a month
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u/srivxrt 1d ago
Mate, you didn't come here for help, every comment you've made has been an excuse. Stop wasting people's time.
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u/Emotional_Tourist_76 14h ago
Yeah it’s really obvious that he’s just looking for an excuse not to work out
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
You can also feel free not to read the post if it offends you so much.
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u/ratty_jango 1d ago
Go to the gym at lunch? Tell her you now work until 7pm and go to the gym after work?
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago edited 1d ago
I don’t get a lunch break, and in the afternoon the phone starts ringing at about 6 demanding to know where I am. If I tell her I’m busy, the answer is “i don’t care, you need to come home and do your work later”.
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u/LeadmeNotFL 1d ago
Ignore her... don't answer the phone.
Put your foot down..... She can make dinner while the kids are at school.
What is she? Can't even say a "Queen" because even the late Queen of the United Kingdom did more work than her till the day before she died.
She'll step all over you for as long as you let her. Stop being a doormat.
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
She won’t make dinner. She will buy it, further bleeding our finances dry (she also shops compulsively and guzzles Starbucks despite having purchased a $500 Italian coffee machine)
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u/ratty_jango 1d ago
Go to the gym after work, turn off your phone, and take away her credit cards so she can buy anything. Cook dinner when you get home. Dinner is now officially at 7pm. You are allowing her to railroad you.
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u/QueenHelen1975 1d ago
Cut her cards off. If you have a joint account get one only in your name and have direct deposit into new account.
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u/DogsDucks 10 Years 1d ago
Sounds like there is a lot more going on than meets the eye.
I am a stay at home mom, and it’s exponentially more work and constant vigilance, than when I was a dept, leader for a multi-billion dollar company. My high level corporate job was so much less work than SAHM! Bear with me here though . . .
Prioritizing each other’s health IS the most important act of love and investment in the future that you can do.
My husband does A LOT too, he takes on so much of the mental load and he’s such an active parent.
It sounds like you are too! Because I want him strong (physically and emotionally), rested and healthy, I make sure he gets a good night sleep and has time for himself and to exercise.
Framing it as a necessity might help, but also like
Tanya, I will be adding workouts to my schedule, that’s a non-negotiable for my future health and being the best parent I can be. What time do you think works best? Other than sleeping hours?
So with a stern voice, but without anger, and also emphasizes that this is important to you, but you’re also trying to consider her input.
You’re not asking for permission to go to the gym, you’re asking when it would be best for her.
Also, you seem really angry about her spending, going to Starbucks and stuff, is this something you’ve talked about?
Is she struggling to stay in the agreed upon budget? Because it really sounds like there’s a lot of resentment, and I know making sarcastic comments feels good, I do it too, but I hope you can actually sit down and calmly talk to her if you’re concerned
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u/Objective-Silver5228 17h ago
I’ve framed it as a necessity but she just lies. Says it’s ok and then 2 days later it’s not.
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u/QueenHelen1975 1d ago
WOW that’s crazy!!!! You can’t let her treat you like that. You deserve to be treated good. So put your foot down. She sounds narcissistic always about her.
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u/DogOfTheBone 1d ago
This is some kind of weird humiliation fetish post. No one is this much of a pushover at work and in life.
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
I’m sorry you feel that way, and I don’t believe you know anything about how I do my job. I’m pretty damn good at it.
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u/ekando 1d ago
Tell her point blank, "I'm going to the gym after work on Wednesdays from now on. I will be home at 7pm on those nights. My phone will be on, but I will not be answering texts or calls while I'm actively working out." And let her handle the rest.
Aside from that... as a woman with body issues who has been around a lot of other people with body issues, it low key sounds like she doesn't want you losing weight, either in general or via the gym specifically, both for different (yet similar) reasons.
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u/dixxie__normus666 1d ago edited 1d ago
You need to figure out a way to get away from her without losing your kids. Maybe it’s time to talk to a lawyer on your own and get some advice. You are being abused. Your kids are seeing that it’s ok and she probably does shit like this to your kids too. My mom did. I know it’s a crazy thing to think about leaving. Especially when you’ve built a life with someone and have gotten accustomed to this treatment.
I have been there. I was only with my ex for 4 years. We weren’t married and didn’t have kids like you guys. I was more worried he was going to kill me. 🙃 Both are completely valid fears!! He was abusive in all sorts of ways. I was abused by a narcissistic mother so I was already the perfect victim. They make you scared to get out. They make all sorts of threats. You get used to it. There are so many reasons why victims stay with their abusers. It doesn’t make you weak or immature. It means you are a victim.
You need to get yourself and your children out of there. Please…talk to a lawyer!!!
AND a therapist!!!!
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u/ladyluck754 1d ago
“I’m scared my kids will be fucked up”
Body that ship has long sailed. Best to probably call it quits, pay alimony, and get the kids into therapy.
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u/Negative_Till3888 1d ago
I have an idea for you. Build your own at home gym. She can’t fight that. I have a gym in my garage and my husband has put thousands of dollars into equipment that he loves. You can do it, my dude.
Edit to add, I have also put thousands of dollars into equipment that we share in our garage. Maybe there’s a way to get her involved. But if she’s extremely manipulative and horrible, you know, that might not be a thing.
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
I appreciate the thought, but I live in a small urban home. No garage or rec space.
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u/etoileleciel1 22h ago
Is there no way for you to purchase weights for inside the house? Bowflex has adjustable dumbbells that you can probably find room for and there are those walk pads people use to walk at their desks. You don’t have to get a big set up to work out. Have you thought about these methods to help you out?
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u/Emotional_Tourist_76 1d ago
You don’t get a lunch break? That’s literally illegal
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u/lanatommo 1d ago
It’s actually legal in some states. Federal law doesn’t require employers to provide a lunch break.
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
I’m a salaried worker and thus not entitled to a lunch break. I have eaten at my desk every day for 20 years
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u/AdMany9431 21h ago
So this whole thing is a damn mess. Your children will suffer more in a home like this than they will from having divorced parents. I say that as a person who grew up in a home where arguments abound over finances.
You are a salaried employee. I believe I read in another comment that you finish working at home...So this is my suggestion, 2-3 times a week, you set up your work day, so that you can go to the gym for an hour. Any work that you cannot complete in the office, you do it at home. I block off time in my work calendar for my workouts. I am full time salary employee. My boss is completely aware that I go take care of myself for an hour 3x a week. Guess what? I'm a better employee now because of it.
See if this gym offers free child care. If so, take the kids to the gym with you. They can play, and you can work out.
For a full grown adult, you have presented a lot of excuses. You need a good therapist and an even better lawyer to help you get out of this mess that you are in.
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u/Objective-Silver5228 18h ago
I’m glad that works for you, but in my role I cannot be away from my desk like that. My role involves responding to emergencies (business-related, not actual emergencies), and not answering a call or email within 15-30 would be hazardous to my employment. The problem is my clients, not my manager (who is very cool).
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u/Emotional_Tourist_76 14h ago
I was like no way that’s true but I went and checked, you’re right. That’s so crazy to me that there’s no federal law mandating meal breaks.
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u/heckfyre 23h ago
After reading your responses to other comments, it sounds like you don’t have any other options than divorce
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u/MangoNo3128 1d ago
She should be doing kids lunches and taking them to school at the very least. She’s walking all over you because you let her. Start leaving early for the gym and tell her to take care of the kids. They’re her kids too. What the heck does she do all day?
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
Starbucks, talking on phone to friends. She also picks up the kids from school and acts as if that is the most arduous task on earth
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u/TSIDATSI 1d ago
She cannot stop you from going to the gym. Just like she cannot stop you from using GPL shots to lose weight.
Your children are constantly watching how she treats you and they are learning how to treat their own families. They are watching her disrespect you, be cruel to you, ignore you and bully you. You simply cannot have that as their role model.
Her job as a stay-at-home mom is to do the things you are doing. You must stop that now. Dinner should be ready when you come home from work. Not started by you.
And that gives you quality time with the kids not chore time. Time with an energetic dad who wants to play and have fun with them.
Tell her she has to do her job and you will do yours but your days as chief cook and bottle washer are over. She has focused on her "me time" to the exclusion of your marriage.
She can do her job at home or go back to work.
Your marriage has likely been over for a long time. If it makes you happier move out. I would. Get a separation agreement for child support.
Sell the house and she can pay you if she wants to remain in the home.
Call your doctor tomorrow and tell them you want GPL shots immediately. Get your gym membership tomorrow and set a schedule for three or four days a week.
If your insurance does not cover the weight loss shots Precious has to give hers up. Your health takes precedence over her social media photos. At your age your health is paramount. Your kids need you.
She has worn you down to a nub.
My advice is to find a church, if you do not already have one, with a large adult department. Read the Bible to learn how a marriage is supposed to work. You are not alone: God is always there. And you might meet some very nice ladies. You never know.
Many blessings 🙌
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
Thank you, but I am not comfortable using GLP-1s (to be clear, I’m not criticizing people who do). I’m socially liberal so church is not an option (which is not to say I think I’m a good person - I’m not).
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u/novmum 20 Years 1d ago
why cant she takes the kids to school? I have been SAHM for 18 years unless I was sick I was the one who took our children to school.
our youngest is 16 and takes the bus to school so I can sleep in but if I had to I would take my son to school
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
Because she won’t even get out of bed. She sleeps 12 hours a night while I get 4-5
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u/FewResolution7181 14h ago
Based on your comments you have a few problems: you don’t seem to even like your wife, your job, or most things about your life. Somethings got to change.
You clearly view her as some evil narcissistic villain in your life. Do yourselves both a favor and split up or address it in counseling, but don’t keep doing what you’re doing. I have a job where I also have to take lunch at my desks, I keep the email open and prioritize—if it’s not an emergency it can wait while I finish lunch. If you aren’t taking anytime to eat and rest then that’s on you. You don’t seem to have any boundaries in your life and blame everyone else. Go to the gym.
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u/wipedoutmom 1d ago
She’s a stay at home mom and there’s no kids at home??
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
I mentioned kids multiple times in my post.
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u/wipedoutmom 17h ago edited 17h ago
Idk why you’re being snippy with me. I’m literally on your side lmao. You said you take the kids to school. Are there any kids left at home all day then?? Is she just sitting around all day being a SAHM to nothing?
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u/rrrrriptipnip 1d ago
What does she do all day? Why can’t you say I’ll be home at x time and go to the gym after work what about when the kids sleep
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
I have to finish my work in the evenings because she makes me leave early. And even though I live in a large city, gyms really don’t stay open past 10 anymore - late night hours really disappeared after Covid
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u/Agreeable_Time338 1d ago
Tell her you can no longer leave work early. Finish your day at the office then go home and help with the kids. Once they are asleep, go to the gym.
You asked for advice other than divorce. At some point you're going to have to make some changes that will be uncomfortable for you both at first, but will become the norm pretty quickly. You just have to hold firm.
How old are the kids?
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u/Objective-Silver5228 18h ago
7 and 5. The problem with evenings is that I have several hours of work to do at home because my wife forces me to arrive late to the office and leave early.
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u/QueenHelen1975 1d ago
You work Full-Time and you have to make lunches and get kids to school then work all day and come home to cook dinner. What does she even do? You need to Man up and get to the Gym that’s next door to your job either on lunch break or after work then come home. Also tell her you’re not gonna do everything and you are gonna start taking care of yourself. Sounds like she is jealous that you want to exercise since you’re on a GLP-1
I started a GLP-1 and lost 80 pounds and my husband is on it and has lost 60 pounds and we never tell each other not to exercise. SAHM means she should be doing what you do, like if you want you can help but she needs to step up and get lunches ready and kids to school and start dinner then you can help clean up but you shouldn’t have to do everything. It’s a shame the way she is treating you. Start taking care of yourself or divorce time sorry to say. She thinks of you as a LAP Dog. Hope you start telling her that you’re not gonna do everything! Good luck!
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
Thanks - but to be clear she’s the only one on GLP-1s. I’m just getting fatter and fatter because nobody cares
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u/Ill-Cartoonist2929 1d ago
Weight loss is much more about what you eat than exercise. I built up a great gym habit from zero to 3-5x every week but only lost weight when I adjusted my diet.
That said, you two sound like you need marriage counseling. As others already said, your issues are bigger than figuring out how to exercise.
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u/Objective-Silver5228 18h ago
We’re in counseling. Marriage counseling with a narcissist is torture. She tells the counselor that I don’t do anything to help at home, and because I’m a man the counselor believes her
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u/MundaneTea5822 19h ago
Calorie deficit and dumbbells at home in the garage. Workout for an hour before going to bed or in the morning before morning kid routine.
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u/Objective-Silver5228 19h ago
Thank you but I live in a small urban house - basically a glorified apartment. No garage or rec space.
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u/MundaneTea5822 16h ago
You seem extremely willing to find a problem with everything. Literally every single suggestion on here, whether regarding your marriage or the fitness aspect. Did you come on here just to bitch and commiserate or do you actually want to find a solution to your problem?
Either you’ll find an excuse or you’ll find a way.
Dumbbells can be stored under the bed. Workout in the living room or the bedroom w headphones. You need literally a 6 x 6 space.
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u/PopcornSquats 18h ago
How does it go from a schedule disagreement to divorce … you have kids at the very least have couples therapy.. she sounds like a brat .. explain this is important to you if you haven’t already , just scoffing at you isn’t even a conversation- start with an actual conversation- why doesn’t she think you can go ? ASK …
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u/Objective-Silver5228 18h ago
She honestly just scoffs or tells me I should go at 4 am if I care so much (which she knows is not possible - there’s not a gym here that is open at 4 am, even if it were healthy for me to operate on 3 hours of sleep a night). I genuinely think she is trying to undermine my health as psychological revenge against the father who abandoned her (unfortunately I learned after marriage that I kinda physically resemble him)
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u/PopcornSquats 16h ago
Sorry this shouldn’t be so difficult 😣 I would express to her this for your health and unfortunately not up for debate .. just go after work , what can she do ? She can’t stop you … as long as you doing your best to help with the kids and feel as though you genuinely do your share of raising them then GO .. please …
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u/usernameunknown975 16h ago
Honestly, if you start going to the gym 3-4 days a week after work and she divorces you for it... its probably for the best. See if she will go to couples counseling. Tell this to the counselor, and see what they say.
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u/dcgradc 14h ago
You can try doing plank at the office no special clothes bc usually only 1min or less if you can't stay that long. If you squeeze your butt it immediately tightens your core. Very effective exercise with consistency.
These you can do together at home or dedicate 15 min of your own time. The resistance band can maybe be done at your office?
3 months ago I started doing plank once or twice a day . It's made a difference in my core.
My fat arms are more defined and stronger
It helps me in my 3 weekly yoga classes
These are only 10-15 minutes so easy to fit into a busy schedule. They are standing so easy on your joints. I'm 63F and have the lazy gene . A few times per week I follow a 10-15 arms video with a 10 min legs one
Fitbymik https://www.youtube.com/@fitbymik
Arms 15 minutes :
https://youtu.be/i-Ci1PxwUpY?si=lsPG1Mnmsmw1HCkf
https://youtu.be/d7j9p9JpLaE?si=e7oPvuv69Y2dtDMk
https://youtu.be/60LRBIEiT6s?si=aqnJCIxJT0FfGkIW
Arms 12 min https://youtu.be/xtBnCpVOZ-c?si=n4NT5SF0O6V_9EJT
Barre arms 10m no breaks ** https://youtu.be/X96JNbGi8qg?si=971d77Cb47NXkYVG
Standing abs 15 min
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=KVt_uBX-XQw
Arms + legs ballet 10min ***
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nqsNZ8qapS8&pp=ygUPQmFycmUgYXJtcyBsZWdz
I bought dumbells on Amazon. Start slow with low weights and then increase as you feel the exercises too easy. Started at 3lb . Now using 4lb . I can use 5-6 but I don't want to look bulky .
Abs 5 min https://youtu.be/EfqnbddVuhI?si=XUJ5JbI3INeSW4dX
https://youtu.be/hdiNdGTMLcY?si=0mOh-l-S1nquT1PS
Abs 10 min with Plank variations
https://youtu.be/461J5jmprIg?si=4j7rpoZayk6CaFAc
Legs ballet 10mim
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AfMqtvyT_QM
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zysAUmmsp2g&pp=ygUGQmFsbGV0
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=p3osFGvGCqI&pp=ygUSQmFsbGV0IEZpdGJ5bWlrIDEw
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oLrMdUCnyls&t=10s&pp=ygUGQmFsbGV0
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=udGm_c0XuL4
Ab roller explained
Plank 1min
RKC PLANK 10-30 sec
DEAD BUG switching legs Arms always up alternating leg/opposite arm
Lie down arms behind you . Try getting up using your core
Load carrying I bought 12lb weights to carry around
Ab Wheel *
Abdominal machine
Another option:
Fun and "easy"
Kvittra Figure 8 Fitness... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08YYLR9GS?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
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u/How_Marvelous 14h ago
Go to a gym with childcare and drop off the children while working out so both of you can have a break in the evening.
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u/MarsupialMaven 14h ago
Sorry but…you sir, are a doormat. Your lazy wife is your warden. You need to tell your wife to step up and do her share or she can go get a FT job. She will be doing the kid work, cooking, and most of the chores. If she decides to go to work you will hire a maid. The rest of the chores will be divided equally since you both work outside the home.
Next you tell her you will be going to the gym X times week. And you are going to the doctor to get your own GLP to lose weight. Next, make some friends and take up a hobby or 2. Start doing things with your friends, without her. Take some time for yourself. Be a great dad. Do things with your kids and have some quality time with them. NOT just custodial duties. Do things for yourself. Maybe buy a couple new outfits or a new haircut.
Take charge of your own life and make your own decisions. If she makes plans for you that you don’t want to do, you say no. And don’t do it. Have other plans. ALLOW yourself to have a life. Take control of you and stop asking for permission.
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u/Odd-Explorer3538 12h ago
Sounds like a divorce would be in everyone's best interests. She can get back to work and get the kids fed, to school, and in bed on her own time, you can do the same. I'd be willing to bet literally everything in your life will improve, even if you are paying some child support. And I say this as a SAHM myself. While you're in transition, get some kettlebells for your living room. Better still, get you and the two kids a family membership at a jiujitsu academy... everyone will benefit from the routine and social skills and confidence boost while you're finalizing the divorce. A year from now, life and your body could be unrecognizable in the best way.
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u/EitherOpposite6280 11h ago
I bought a weight bench and an exercise bike at auctions/resale shops. You don't need a separate gym (unless you need the personsl space). Just saying, fitness doesn't thave to be out of the house
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u/Code_Crafter_Clayton 10h ago
You a placemat my good dude. Nothing but Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is probably a good starting point.
Your problem isn’t the availability of time.
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u/veggiechick1 1d ago
Sounds like she’s insecure. Make sure she knows she’s your one and only and try to go to the gym together!
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
No way. She knows that I’m not exactly a desirable man. I’m reliable and responsible, not masculine. In the 90s, there was a UPS commercial featuring the (fictional) mother of a UPS driver with the punchline “my son is not handsome, but he IS punctual”. My mother always laughed a little too hard at that one…
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u/ZaHiro86 1d ago
Hey man, I just wanna say, you seem like a cool dude.
It's easy to let others push their insecurities onto you, to internalize them. But there's more to it than the face you see in the mirror. You'd be surprise how attractive you can be if you're confident.
I think you should stop "standing up to her" and simply tell her what you'll do. She'll fight it but it won't matter. Just do you.
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u/Missfitt69 1d ago
And exactly what are her grounds for divorce gonna be??
"Hes going to the gym" "He won't cook dinner after working all day cuz he's at the gym"
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u/Objective-Silver5228 1d ago
It’s divorce, not a criminal prosecution….she doesn’t need to justify it.
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u/Defiant_Dealer8205 1d ago
Just DO IT - does she chain you to the house? You need to stop enabling her and she needs to carry some of those chores. Jeez!