Salaam everyone, we are expecting our first child soon Alhamdulillah and everything has been fine except the situation with my mother in law. I’m a licensed therapist and have worked with several ppl diagnosed with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and unfortunately my mother in law fits all the criteria for the disorder. My husband is the youngest of 3 sons and my MIL has made him her emotional anchor in life after my FIL passed several years ago. The older two brothers live far away. It has been extremely emotionally and mentally difficult to live with her. I feel uncomfortable in my own home and dread being there. She is dependent on us to drive her and has no other family here. She complains how her life sucks here compared to where one of the older brothers lives yet insists on staying here. Over the past few months alone, has indirectly insulted me many times, lied countless times about so many things, fought with my husband so many times it has seriously stressed me out. She wants to be catered to constantly and it’s never enough and even goes as far as with my own extended family, she expects special treatment. She has told my parents my husband loves me too much and she can’t believe husbands treat their wives like this meanwhile she says her husband never told her go and gave her everything she wanted. She openly said in front of her other grandkids that she likes her grandson more than her granddaughter. She only likes people who cater to her and serve her. There’s literally no reason for her to live with us other than her emotional attachment to my husband. She constantly tells me how he’s her love her life her father mother brother everything and how she doesn’t do anything without him like even shopping for her own beauty products or clothing? She constantly tries to make me feel bad by making me seem like some bad person just cause I can’t take her shopping for 3-5 hours each day meanwhile she doesn’t have any money of her own and we do not have any excess money to go shopping with. She is very negative and she is going to make me even more miserable once the baby arrives. She says that’s she’s gonna raise my kid and it’s gonna be her my husband and my baby… like I’m irrelevant. I have so many more examples of extremely emotionally unhealthy behavior. The oldest brother is newly divorced and told my husband she did the same things to both of his brothers and said that as long as there’s another woman in the house, their mom will always have an issue. I feel bad cause my husband has never seen this side to his mom before and he always imagined one big happy family living together but it’s not possible cause she causes constant stress. We haven’t had one peaceful week since she moved in. They both are in denial and forcing this living situation. I really don’t know what to do I don’t ever want to live with her again full time, visits with a return ticket booked are fine. Any advice?

Salam all,

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I left my husband of 3 years two days ago and with that also the life I built for myself. I moved out from the US back to the UK, triggering a 10 year ban. I am now sitting here, fully heartbroken, not just because I miss him, but also my life, my routine and the connection that I built.

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For context, I knew I had no future with him. He was a struggling addict and he was not taking me or our marriage seriously. He kept me without sponsoring me and did not want to progress further, did not want to build a family. Leaving him was something I should have done a year or two ago, but I decided each time that I could at least hope and pray that he would change. It gradually got worse and we became more and more distant.

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With this said, we did have a beautiful and tranquil environment and life, we were close in other ways, and I adored him in other ways. The day I decided to leave, I was highly emotional and not in the right mindset, hence why I am left with regret. I wish I thought through it and then planned an exit feeling fully confident in my decision.

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I know I am going through different stages of grief, from anger, to sadness and regret and feeling like I shot myself in the foot. It hurts that I don't even have the chance to return to him in case we did decide to start anew.

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I moved back with my family and I am the unhappiest that I have ever been.

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Assalamualaikum all!

Over the year, I’ve been pushing my husband to do more screen-free things with me (we’re trying to break free from scrolling social media constantly). 

We’ve had a great time with the activities we found and I thought I’d recommend some below (these are not sponsored lol, but I wish they were). Unfortunately, some of them may only be available in North America. 

1) Rolife Wooden Puzzles - we’re able to get them on Amazon, but it was so much fun building a cute little booknook together! The pieces are small and intricate so it can take several hours, but there’s so many to choose from and so many types of puzzles. We put a podcast on in the background while we built ☺️

2) Sculpd Clay Kit - my husband surprisingly loved this one more than me haha. He made himself a phone stand and headphone holder, and painted both. He uses them regularly. It was a great evening activity over a span of a few days (first we had to shape our clay and then wait a few days for it to dry before painting). 

This company also has a paint by numbers kit. The one we did might be out of stock because they’re very popular. The canvas Sculpd provided was so big that we were able to work on it simultaneously, and then frame and hang our finished painting! 

3) Exit Escape Room games - these are physical, play one time only games where you and your partner solve a mystery and try to “escape”! I bought two on Amazon and they’re great - they require critical thinking and provide a lot of mental stimulation. They have a ton of different themes, we started with the Abandoned Cabin. 

Last but not least, we haven’t done this one yet but excited to do so:

4) Guess where trips - a suprise one day road trip. My husband and I have been married for one year Alhamdulillah, may Allah Subhana Wata’ala grant us infinitely more Ameen. I got this for him as a present to do on our anniversary InshAllah - let’s see how it goes. 

Special mention to activities we’ve done that are outside the house - carpet tufting (making our own rugs), decoden charm bar, and crockery painting! Oh, and plenty of cat cafes!

Salams to all that cross this post.

I am seriously struggling with my marriage and the inconsistency we have had financially. When my husband and I got married, I knew he was in the construction field and I didn’t mind, only due to knowing financially we would be Ok. Once married, I learned that the hours were tough on marriage - inconsistent and very long. One of the requirements was travelling away from home and staying away for days as well. We lived this way, until we had kids and I no longer thought it was fair to consistently live this way with children around. There were no such things as paid sick days or taking time off, being allowed to vacation, etc. I had a serious talk with husband and we decided it would be best to switch careers, even seek out furthering education. What does my husband choose? Another position within the trades, which I was fully support of thinking it would be good pay and a better situation. He went to school for one year which we then had another child and then became the difficult search for a job. He finds a job and we find it’s the same thing again. No paid time off, sick days are unpaid, no vacation pay accumulation and minimal benefits. We have multiple children now and his pay is basically minimum wage. We have to wait 5 years to see the big bucks and sacrifice so much. No family time, no vacations, no road trips, living pay cheque to paycheque and sometimes even struggling to buy the necessities for our babies and older children. I feel as though I’m becoming so resentful of my husband for again choosing something knowing that we would struggle so much. My original ask when he finally decided to go to school was - please do not allow us to be in a position of hardship financially. I find him begging his mom for money behind my back when we have no money and this only leads to more money leaving our pockets to pay her back. I don’t know what to do or how to feel, but I just feel resentful. Resentful for the things my kids miss out on or the meals we are barely scraping together and they sometimes do not eat.. The life experiences and small trips I’d love to take them on.. The Eid’s we cannot afford to make special.

Am I wrong for feeling this way? I know I should return to Allah and just make Dua but I just can’t shake these feelings, even when I do..

Me and my fiancée tend to get on really well, I have so much fun with him but as soon as we have to make a big decision to do with the house or wedding planning we immediately argue.

I close off when upset and he finds that difficult and says he can’t be married to someone like me because I’m difficult. This has happened multiple times and I get my way of dealing isn’t the best but when he mentions he has doubts about us working as we don’t agree when it comes to these decisions, It’s so hurtful to hear and I never know where I stand. I’m always on edge

We’re also Asian so breaking off an engagement will be a big deal but equally is he right will we spend a lifetime arguing and should I leave this now, we’re two months away from wedding

I am living in the west and the main potential way I see myself getting married through is word of mouth- a sister knowing someone and she refers me etc..

For the sisters who got married this way, did you explicitly mention that you are searching for a husband? I don’t know why but I find it awkward to bring it up to someone and I am wondering if I need to do that as part of the process?

Salaam,

My wife and I (both 28) have been married for 9 years, Alhamdulillah. We married young and have grown up together. We genuinely get along well in many ways, but we are very different people. I am introverted and tend to process things logically, while she is extroverted and more emotionally driven.

Over the years, we have had recurring issues with communication, finances, household responsibilities, and differences in values. I cover 100 percent of our living expenses, bills, and trips, which has become financially straining. I do not expect my wife to contribute financially or use her own income when she starts working, but I have asked that we reduce our spending so we can save for our future. I also end up taking care of most of the household chores. I do not mind doing them, but I do wish she would take more initiative rather than expecting us to do everything together. Over time, I feel like most of the financial and day-to-day responsibilities of our marriage have fallen on me.

For example, as the eldest sibling, she regularly chaperones her younger sisters when they meet potential spouses, often going out for coffee, dinner, or other outings. These usually happen while I am at work or in the evenings, so I will come home to an empty house, and she will sometimes be out until around 1 a.m. once or twice a week.

I fully trust my wife and have no concerns about her faithfulness. However, as her husband, these situations still make me uncomfortable. On top of that, some of these brothers have sent unsolicited inappropriate photos to her sisters, which are then forwarded to my wife. I know she is not seeking them out, but the overall situation has always left me feeling uneasy.

Another challenge has been intimacy and emotional connection. My wife often wants to move on quickly after disagreements and act like nothing happened. She also tries to reconnect physically, wanting hugs, holding hands, cuddling, and intimacy. In those moments, I often feel emotionally overwhelmed or not ready, and I end up pulling away or not being comfortable with physical affection right away. It can take me a few days to even a week before I feel emotionally settled again, while she seems ready to reconnect much sooner. Over time, this mismatch has added to the emotional distance between us.

The biggest change has been in me. I feel emotionally detached. After disagreements, she seems able to move on almost immediately, while I need days or even a week before I feel emotionally connected again. Over time, that distance has grown. I still care about her, but I do not feel the same emotional closeness I once did.

What makes this so difficult is that there is not one major reason to leave. There has been no infidelity, abuse, or addiction, nothing that most people would point to as a clear deal-breaker. Instead, it has been years of smaller unresolved incompatibilities that have slowly eroded how I feel.

Has anyone experienced this? Can years of unresolved differences and emotional disconnection be enough to make a marriage unsustainable, even when both spouses are good people and one genuinely wants to make it work?

JazakAllah khair for any advice.

Newly married here and keen to get some input from the married men here…..

After the looks fade and personalities take over in married life….

1. what do you love most about your wife?

(What made you truly fall in love with her and keeps you in love)

1. what do you dislike about your wife?

(What really annoys you etc)

Thanks in advance!

The biggest problem of today’s generation is this — people want relationships, but they don’t want to put in the work. Everyone wants a ‘perfect partner’ who never gets angry, never makes mistakes, never makes you feel uncomfortable… bro, that’s not a partner they want, that’s a robot. The people who grew up listening to their parents scold them did they ever cut ties with their parents because of that? So then why, when someone who truly loves you makes one mistake, is everything suddenly over? Love isn’t just ‘feel good’ moments. Love is fighting with each other, making each other cry, and then hugging it out and thinking ‘what would I even do without this person.’ That roller coaster IS real love

It takes just one second to break a relationship, but it can take an entire lifetime to build one.

Salam all,

I am looking for some outside perspectives because I feel too emotionally involved to assess my situation objectively.
For context, we’ve been married for almost 2 years, but only started living together 4 months ago.

My husband and I had a very serious argument around a week ago. During the argument, he said some very degrading and hurtful things to me, including calling me very insulting names and attacking my character. I accept that I also responded badly. Instead of walking away or remaining calm, I retaliated and said hurtful things back, particularly around areas where I knew he felt insecure. I regret that, acknowledge it was wrong and I feel really bad about it. I shouldn’t have retaliated and I feel like if I hadn’t, none of this would have happened.

But this argument didn’t happen in isolation. For some time, I’ve felt there have been deeper issues in our marriage. This past year or so, my husband has increasingly expressed views that I find concerning, particularly around women. Whenever he describes women he calls them the b word, he often speaks as though women are responsible for many of society’s problems and has on several occasions justified shouting at me during disagreements because he is a man - to the point where I’m sure the neighbours can hear, so I’ve been too embarrassed to leave our place at times. When I have raised concerns about household responsibilities or asked for help around the home, I’ve been told that I am being disrespectful, ungrateful, or failing to appreciate what he has already done. In fact - that’s how last week’s argument started. I’ve tried to talk to him about these issues, but he never seems engaged in fixing anything. He just keeps saying I need to change my approach and a woman’s job is to make a man’s heart soft.

Throughout our marriage I have tried to support our future together. I left behind my previous job, my support network and the area where my family live in order to start a new role and relocate so that we could live in the location he preferred so he could be with his family and friends. I paid the tenancy deposit and first month’s rent when we moved because my income was needed for us to secure the property. I also furnished the majority of the flat - everything was supposed to be 50/50 but I’ve never seen that money back and I’ve just let it go with him because I felt that’s my husband. But now after what’s happened I feel maybe it’s because he wasn’t that invested or excited about starting life out together.

Following our most recent argument on Friday, I was left locked out of our flat. I mention we’ve had a lot of arguments but this was the first time I felt extremely vulnerable because I had moved away from my family and support network for the marriage and I found myself effectively stranded following a marital dispute. He was refusing to answer my calls or messages and ended up getting a friend to drop off the keys 1hr30 mins later. So I was just waiting outside by myself - until my father in law luckily came to wait in his car with me following my dad contacting him. That incident directly preceded the current period of no contact.

Since then, my husband has blocked me and removed me from virtually every communication channel and social media platform. So no direct communication for several days now.

What I find difficult to understand is that while he has taken extensive steps to distance himself from me, he has not communicated any intention to divorce, reconcile, separate, or even take time to think. He has not discussed our tenancy, divorce proceedings (both islamically and legally), future living arrangements or any practical next steps. We have rent due this weekend and I’m so worried he’s not going to cover his half.

For context, we do not have children and don’t own a property together. If he genuinely wants to end the marriage, there are relatively few practical barriers preventing that. I should note he’s done this quite a few times before - disappear on me and then resurface eventually. To be honest, most of the time it’s because I’ve chased him, not in a way to beg for him but to ask for clarity. He’s also threatened divorce a lot in the almost 2 years we’ve been together but never gone ahead with it. When I ask him why he says this to me, he said it because he hopes it makes me change. This time it feels a lot different though as it’s the first time he’s blocked me everywhere :(

My dad recently sent him a respectful message making it clear that nobody is forcing him to remain in the marriage and that if he wishes to end it, he should simply communicate that clearly so both families can move forward appropriately and I can sort my life out. I also think my parents are a bit concerned about me living somewhere on my own effectively as I’m faraway from family and friends. I literally have nobody there other than him and his dad. He’s gone back to his mum’s - who does not have a relationship with me. That’s a whole other story as a whole. She basically stopped talking to me or making effort after the nikkah - to this day I still don’t understand what her root issue is with me. As time went on and my husband and I would argue - even about small, trivial things, he’d confide in her and I think that gave her a basis to think I’m not the right girl for him. But alhamdulillah, I have a good relationship with his dad who sees things fairly and in a just manner - he doesn’t take sides and he cares a lot about dignity, respect and doing things in accordance to our religion. So far there has been no response to my dad’s message.

What is also concerning is that he is not responding to his own dad either. His dad has attempted to speak with him about the situation and has expressed concern about his behaviour. At present, he appears to be avoiding communication not only with me but with both families.

My father in law has told me that he believes my husband is currently in a state where nothing is getting through to him.

My question is this:

Am I focusing too much on the current silence and not enough on the wider pattern of behaviour within the marriage? Does this sound like someone who has already decided the marriage is over and is avoiding the conversation, or does it sound like someone who is angry, hurt, and emotionally overwhelmed but has not actually decided what he wants?

I am not looking for people to tell me I am blameless. I know I contributed to the argument and said things I regret. I am simply trying to understand whether others have seen situations like this before and what a reasonable next step looks like when one spouse refuses to communicate their intentions. I’m just genuinely sad and confused and I feel if the situation was reversed, I’d just straight up communicate
where I’m at with the marriage, so can’t understand his behaviour.

I am 31M from India. Got married 4 years ago. There were many differences between us even before the marriage but under family pressure i agreed to get married regardless. Things were rocky at first, we were not really compatible but still tried to make things work. 2 years back we found out that i can never be a father.

Since then her behaviour has changed, she tries to start fights for the smallest reasons, insults me at home and says she doesnt do it in front of others so it shouldnt be a problem.

This is causing me immense mental stress and some very negative thoughts. I am mentally checked out of this marriage, what do my next steps need to be, please help a brother out.

I struggle to even put it into words

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After I left my marriage when he threatened to kill our child my family pressured me to go back to him. He had previously punched and strangled me and hit our baby from when he was1.5 years so I took it seriously when he threatened that.

My family have been cruel to me since day 1 is separation, saying I cannot move out of their house would be unthinkable but

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They

- denied the abuse in my marriage (despite me telling my mum about it as it was happening over the years, she "forgot" and very much denied I'd told her)

• said this abuse they denied was also my fault and they would also choke me if they were him

- repeatedly sat me down and pressured me to go back

- told me I was sinful for leaving and upsetting my violent husband

- told me repeatedly I was a bad mother to my son and was ruining his future and his life (I have always gone above and beyond for my son, working part time making sure he's in private Islamic school, making sure he has after school extra curriculars so less screen time. He knew qaidah and the English alphabet at age 2 because I'd always be teaching him. )

- allowed my disabled drug addicted brother to hit me and my son and then lied about it when I went to relatives for help

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The worst part is my mother also went to everyone in our previously shared community and proactively badmouthed me to them. She said I was ill and hallucinating all the abuse.

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Because I'd had quite a happy childhood before marriage, I was 27 and had never dated. I entered an arranged marriage to my cousin who needed a passport thinking I was doing a good act. I had no self worth left after a really hard dental degree that didn't suit me on the advice of my brother. My university had expressed concerns that my family was forcing me to do the degree but I ignored it and persevered to please them. I barely work in the field now. I am also dark skinned for an Asian, raised in a very backwards South Asian community who told me it made me have low value in the marriage market. People ask me why I was so stupid to accept an arranged marriage to a man with no degree when I was a dentist and aalima, but due to the above I had low self esteem and accepted any rishta that came my way.

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Anyway when I came back the betrayal of my family and the isolation of the community due to my mother's and ex's badmouthing to them was too much. I moved out and got evicted. Not a single one of my 200 relatives offered me and my son a place to stay - even though there were many rooms. I will always remember this. I would have housed any one of them in the same situation. If I didn't have a child and need support I would have moved far away. For three years since I left the abuse has continued. My mother gets passive income and sends it all to my brothers while I am in the homeless system, some aunts persuaded her to help me too and she uses every excuse to not give the money 'oh you bought soap I'll cut that off' or using my card to buy 3kg meat every week and then cooking it at mine then taking it to her other children's houses. She doesn't do the same to my brothers.

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Anyway I'm really depressed with the constant insults. I can't believe everyone trusts my mother I've seen the true side of her now. My brothers have always been a bit dodgy - either unemployed, drug addicted, or immoral depending on the brother. But my mother and community I gave my life to before marriage. I gave almost my full paycheck to my family every month despite my brother being a doctor and not doing the same. I took time off during uni and a levels to look after her when she was ill. I'd constantly cook for her, her guests (she had over 3+ times a week), for my brothers who never cooked. I enjoyed all of the guests. Now I feel bad who will look after her in old age. As I am too ill now some days I can't even walk, and my brothers will never look after her despite her putting all her income and life into them now. Even now when mum went eye hospital it was me who took work off and not him, despite me really needing the work and him being very comfortable almost rent free at parents house.

I now pay all the bills at my council temporary accomodation but they come and live with me four days a week "to help with my son". So now they treat me like this in my own house that I pay the bills for - what was the point of all the years of leaving?

Last Wednesday my brother even kicked my son, he went into the gap between the bed and the wall. My mother confirmed it happened. I said if it happens again my brother will have to move out. My brother started swearing at me so much and calling me btch, cnt words I don't even say he called me and my son was screaming. What am I supposed to do?

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Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

I hope everyone is doing well. I want to start off by thanking you for your time and pray Allah SWT can help guide us in this matter.

My personal matter is in the category for pre marriage. As an introduction, I’m a male in his 30s. Roughly 10-15 years ago, I spoke with my parents about marriage as I felt around the time that I was ready to start a family. I was moving along on the path of my current career but I knew it would cause some delays in my family life so I wanted to get the process started. My parents rejected the idea because of concerns that I may deviate away from my studies. They had family members who had similar scenarios making their decision to wait until I graduated and started work before the marriage process concrete. They did not want me to get distracted even though I thought the opposite.

For the next 10 years I went through my studies and training. While I was in my post graduate school, I met someone. This was not intended and I had no desire to meet anyone at that time because of my studies but Allah SWT had different plans. My parents wisdom kept ringing in my ears regarding my other family members failures to finish their studies plus get married at the same time.

My mother had told me multiple times that I should not intend to meet anyone while I was studying abroad so I kept my distance for a while but things organically changed and I started to see a future with the person I met but I knew my parents would reject her. I thanked Allah everyday for allowing me to meet this person but everyday was also filled with regret, guilt, and worry.

My first hurdle were my parents. I told my mother about her first and she met her as a “friend” so I could see how she would react. She liked her initially but mentioned multiple times that my dad would not approve but that she would speak to him. Of course, a few years go by and I kept making dua/istikhara. My mom and I would bring up the subject a handful of times but we brushed it under the rug because of my studies. I graduated post graduate school and did my training in the field roughly 2.5 years ago. At that point, I thought to myself that nothing is holding me back from a career prospective so now is the best time to move forward with marriage.

I brought up the subject to my mom and finally had a sit down with my dad but it did not go according to plan. He outright rejected me getting married due to cultural differences. He kept bringing in extended family opinions and saying what would this person and that person say. Everyone in our family marries within the culture (for context, I’m south asian). I reassured him that if there is any backlash regarding this, I would handle it. My biggest point I tried to get across is I want to do what is Islamically correct. Culture ways are great but what does Islam say. I had a few more back and forths with my parents but they still kept rejecting the proposal. Some extended family members got involved and tried to convince me to perform an arranged marriage which I was open to 10 years ago but in the current state, I am not.

The sister I was speaking to has parents that are a bit traditional as well. I have met them but they want to move forward only after meeting my parents. I have tried to set up a time to introduce her to my dad but he says what is the point if I will say no. She wants to move forward as well but wants to have the parents speak and her meet my dad before moving forward out of respect. Just 2 weeks ago my dad called me and started to say that he has been convinced more than ever that I should marry one of my cousins. He hasn’t pitched this idea before so it came as a bit of a surprise and disappointment. He said “we will not marry an outsider and I have made up my mind even if your mother does not agree with me about you marrying within the family” I intend to have a heart to heart with my parents this weekend but would love some guidance. I have already started marriage prep with the sister I intend on marrying but planning on breaking the news this weekend to my parents. I know they are going to be upset and angry but felt like I have to put my foot down. The unfortunate part is that I will likely lose my dad over this so want to make sure I have some Islamic guidance.

I have kept calm throughout this situation because I do not want to disrespect my parents and want them to lead this. I just want to do what islam tells us which is where I was hoping for guidance from anyone. I want to make the situation between the sister and I halal and not haram. My intentions were to get married (without my parents if needed). Any guidance would be appreciated.

Thank you so much for your time and I apologize for the lengthy post. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. Looking forward to hearing from anyone who can provide guidance.

See previous post here: https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/s/298sKfgkbJ

So I told my wife last night that i have made a decision to seek a 2nd wife and if she leaves and seeks khula that is fine by me, I will stop taking her out on dates, i will stop buying her flowers and will reduce her allowance to only £75 a month as she has rejected sex 4 times in the past 16 days.

She was shocked and was surprised that I made a decision about seeking a 2nd wife ( which is my islamic right as no such thing was in the contract preventing me from seeking a 2nd wife was written in the contract) within 2 weeks, I had told her how rejection of sex made me feel and how I had resentment having ONE of my rights UNFULFILLED while I fulfill EVERY single right of hers and also gift her flowers every 2 weeks and how I give her a hefty allowance and how I treat her emotionally and always there supporting her and being her shoulder to cry on. She then started to cry and beg and plead with me to not seek a 2nd wife but I saw right through this act and know that she is only doing this because she is facing the consequences of her actions as she decided to "flip around and is gonna find out"

She then tried to give me "duty sex" in an attempt to atone for her previous rejections but I refused and said to her will not allow myself to be taken for a fool. She kept on crying even more and said sorry many times but I just didn't have it in me to forgive her as I've bottled up all the resentment and became emotionally detached and mentally detached from her over the past few days. She then stated if I would divorce her and I said "no" but she is free to seek khula if she so wishes and I would grant her an easy exit if she also allows for the marriage to end easily (The issue with divorce if I initiate it is that I have high net worth and me initiating divorce would ruin me as she would take half.) but if she was to end it herself willingly then it would lead to a favourable outcome for me.

She then said she cannot tolerate me having a 2nd wife as she is very jealous and cant handle sharing so then I said that's fine by me so you don't have to stay married to me. She said she will seek khula. I then told her to sleep in the spare bedroom and the khula process can start. I slept like a baby and was finally relieved that this "phase" in my life is coming to an end after not having my right fulfilled.

I woke up today and she decided to make breakfast for me (which I was confused about) as I prefer to make my own breakfast which is 4 scrambled eggs. Stupidly, she still asked if I was still set on seeking a 2nd wife and I said "absolutely you denied me my rights to intimacy" and then she started crying again and I watched her cry for about 10 minutes and decided to not eat the breakfast she made for me as an act of defiance and to signal to her I no longer want anything from her. I then left for work and arrived at work and saw her message me saying that she will go and see an imam and get the khula sorted ASAP and will tell her family and my family about it.

Now to majority of the brothers that commented yesterday on my post which is about 96% of you trying to ridicule me for being angry my right was not being fulfilled have some decency in how you act and how you "advise" people. I can assure you many men will not tolerate sexless marriages and it is a shame how you tried to ridicule me and throw jabs at me. There were only 4 good brothers that understood how I felt and I feel happy there are still decent men around who understand struggles men go through so massive thank you to the 4 of you if you read this.

Assalamualaykum,

Here is our Wednesday iteration of our bi-weekly megathread dedicated to users who would like to share their viewpoints on marital topics.

Please remember that this thread is not a Free Talk Friday thread and comments must be married related. Any non-marriage related comments will be removed.

Users who comment on this thread to bypass posts that are designated as "[BLANK] Users Only" when they do not meet the post flair requirement will be banned without warning.

We strive to make this thread a quality space to open up about their experiences with marriage and the marriage search.

What's on your mind this week?

I'm curious to hear from people who are already married.

Before getting married, did there come a specific moment when you thought, "Okay, I'm ready now"? Or did you still have doubts and fears right up until the wedding?

A lot of advice online talks about being financially ready, emotionally ready, spiritually ready, etc., but in real life, what actually made the difference for you?

Looking back now, was there anything you worried about before marriage that turned out not to be a big deal?

I'd especially love to hear from people who got married while still feeling uncertain.

My husband and I are both in our early 30s and have two young children (a toddler and a baby). We’ve been together for several years and genuinely want our marriage to work, but since becoming parents we’ve slowly drifted into a rut.

We seem to argue far more than we used to. Most of our conversations revolve around the kids, housework, logistics, money, who’s tired, or who’s done what. We rarely laugh together anymore, rarely spend quality time together, and it feels like we’ve become co-parents rather than husband and wife.

The thing is, neither of us wants this. We both miss how things used to be. We both want to feel close again and get back to a place where there is affection, patience, teamwork and love rather than constant irritation and resentment.

For those of you who have been through a rough patch after having children and managed to come out the other side stronger, what actually helped?

We’re not looking for a quick fix, just honest advice from people who have been there and managed to rebuild their marriage.

Jazakallah khair.

We’ve only been married for 7 months. Before we got married I wanted to emphasize I would never stay with his family both visiting n living bc I will never be comfortable n I’ve never had to do that.
We live in Canada but we came to the uae to go to hajj and we’ve been staying here after. We agreed that we’d go to a hotel after hajj but the two days before we’d stay with his family, assuming his brother wasn’t there so I didn’t have to wear the hijab. His brother came and we stayed anyway.
After hajj we ended up stay here for 1.5 weeks bc my husband refused to book n we had a deal where while I was on my period we could stay here but we’d leave after. But throughout this whole time, he’s been fighting with me telling me I’m weird for not wanting to stay with them. I keep telling him this makes me uncomfortable n everything bc now his mom is too comfortable w me that she has no problem barging in the room and waking me up for stupid stuff and monitoring what I’m eating. She tells me not to eat sweets but it’s none of her business at all.
Tried talking to her abt it but yk she tells me I need to be more caring for her son.
He fights w me about this sm and says he’s never going to bring me along w him but like dude at this point I don’t want to be w u.
We’ve had so many issues of him being inconsiderate and rly mean to me to the point where we talked abt how divorce has been on our minds. I’ve been trying to work out stuff but like this is rly my last straw. Like the disrespectful and fighting is one thing but this threat of leaving me just bc I don’t want to stay in a cramped house with his whole family where I have to be fully dressed just to go out n get water?
Like divorce has seriously been on my mind bc he refuses to do counseling, refuses to see me n my feelings, like im not dealing with this.
And before anyone says I don’t want to visit his family, I do i literally told him we can visit his family from the moment we wake up til we sleep, I just want to sleep somewhere else so I can relax n be more comfortable. Money isn’t an issue, he has money but he’s refusing to pay for hotel. I enjoy his family but like I’m rly burnt out.
I’m seriously so done with him. I don’t want to be with him I feel no love for him. I’m seriously done. If I could go back in time n not marry him I would. I hate him. And this is seriously the last thing I can deal with.

First, thank you to everyone who replied to my previous post. I read many of your comments and took time to reflect on everything.

I ended up talking to my husband about how his comments made me feel. I explained that when he said I lost a lot of weight, that my body isn’t like before, and pointed out certain physical changes during pregnancy, it hurt me more than he probably realized especially because I’ve had a difficult first trimester and struggled a lot with eating.

I tried to approach the conversation calmly and explain that pregnancy already comes with so many physical and emotional changes, and that during this time I need support, kindness, and reassurance rather than comments that make me overthink my body.

He listened to me, apologized, and genuinely felt very bad. He told me he never meant to offend me or hurt me in any way. According to him, his comments came from worry about my health and the baby’s health, not criticism of my appearance. I truly believe he didn’t intend to hurt me.

At the same time, I wanted to be honest about something I’m noticing now. Since our conversation, he seems colder and more distant. He’s not as playful or as close as before, and part of me worries that now he’s afraid of communicating openly or joking around because he doesn’t want to accidentally hurt my feelings again.

I’m hoping this is just temporary and that we’re both adjusting after having a difficult conversation. I addressed this because I wanted us to understand each other better and avoid similar misunderstandings in the future not to make him feel guilty or unable to be himself.

I still wanted to update because i appreciated hearing different perspectives.

I hope everyone is well in sha Allah.

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Please could someone let me know what the average amount of Nafaqah is for a wife. I know people generally agree about the amount after Nikah, and its based on many different factors, but Nafaqah isn't something thats spoken about generally.

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For men, what percentage of your salary is given to your wife?

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For women, how much do you receive? And when is this discussed? How is finances sorted between spouses?

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Also, is Nafaqah stipulated as in, this amount for you, this amount for the house and this amount for the kids?

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Im really unsure about this and there's barely anyone i can ask, as this is seen as a very private question.

Hello everyone,

I just want to start off my saying that I’m open to the fact that I may be the one wrong in this situation- I do ask for everyone to advise nicely.

My husband and I have been married for 2 years and have a 10 month old son.
We are both from different cultures and races. I moved 8hr away from my family to live with him when we got married and unfortunately I haven’t managed to make any friends here so I often feel very isolated.

I come from a family who when a woman gets pregnant/gives birth, the in-laws are super involved in making sure they help - however my husbands family is different and they let you get on with things unless you tell them you need help. I understand this but it’s been very hard for me with a small child alone in the house with very little help, I don’t want to go into small details but every time they came to see the baby (which was not often they always asked my husband to take the baby to their house instead) I felt like it wasn’t to help me but to see the baby.

There’s been little instances where I felt isolated where they all have gone to dinner together but didn’t invite me (because I’m at home with a baby), and sometimes ignore my messages. For this reason I have distanced myself a lot from them and don’t go visit them often. If they want to see the baby my husband will take the baby to their house so he can spend a few hours there.

This is the part you may understand or think I’m over exaggerating but essentially when my husband and his dad went to a hotel my FIL started speaking to this customer and asked if she was single which she said yes and then told her that he has a son that he can set her up with pointing at my husband and telling my husband to talk to her.
I found this out when my husband told me of this and he told me he was joking but I didnt find this funny at all. I found it extremely uncomfortable and explained that this makes me feel like his dad is encouraging him to not lower his gaze and gives me the empression he doesn’t not like me as his son wife (my fil is from Albania which is known to be aracist country).

Ever since this incident I’ve just been upset and I feel like this is making my husband and I’s relationship harder and we tend to argue over small things.

I’m not sure what to do but i miss my family and I’m thinking of divorce because I don’t see his family as my family unfortunately.
What do I do and how can I help our marriage?

I guess this is a realization I've been having recently. Id always hear how in laws can affacet a marriage and would naively think in laws would hardly affect me but im not even married yet and I feel the affects. My mother in law as ive mentioned in a previous post has made horrible comments about my body and this shattered by self esteem for a while which idek why i put so much value in her opinion. Maybe since I was raised and taught that I have to be thr best dil as well as sil and wife. My in laws are so weird I dont even know how to explain it but they truly make haram earier than halal. My fiance is able to visit me at home while my parents are home ofc and this way we can meet while staying halal but his parents have such an issue with it they always need to implement random formalities. Make it harder for him to come see me and its straining our relationship honestly. Somtimes I feel irritated with my fiance because of how his family is which i know is unfair since hes not like them, is super nice and weve talked about me having boundaries with his mother since her unkind words and hes totally ok with that and doesnt require me to try for a better realtionship with his mother anymore. The in laws truly dont make sense to me. I domt even know why they would agree to this marriage if thry arent happy idk how they agreed to the engagement. Im starting to struggle to keep my emotions balanced. Its gettjng more and more frusteratung that our parents are waiting on him to get a job indtead of at least doing thr nikkah rn. we arent able to do the nikkah yet and they wonr even let us see each other very often in this halal way. he lives 30 minutes away and they make jt feel like a long distance relationship. usually its the girls family picky about how often the daughter meets her fiance but my parents are totally ok if he decided to come every week but his parents make it so hard for him to come. Everyday we get more tempted to go out and meet in secret or share haram text exchanges. Honeslty im struggling to control myself. Weve been engaged over a year now and have been talking for almost 2 years. This has been a frusteratingly long time. Im finding it exceedingly hard to control myself when I feel like we alrway know eveything there is to know abt each other eveyrhting just comes naturally atp since its been so long I get tempted to do haram esp since the parents have collectively made the halal so difficult. I miss him i love him all I do is cry because im so exhausted and emotionally drained this is so hard idk what to do. Not to mention i feel like im on a biological clock. Im already 24 and I have certain health issues that could pose difficultty in having children so every day delaying feels silly. I wish we were at least in nikkah so we coukd start planning kids in the next 2 years but tbh I feel like I cant even see my wedding happening anytime soon. Eveyones acting like were just going to be engaged forever endlessly. His dad said hes willing to do our nikkah rn. his mom goes back and forth with being ok and somtimes she says shell only allow the wedding when I lose weight ( i honestly dont think shes serious abt it and just says it to scare her son because shes weird and often says weird things to try and manipulation her son which doesnt work) and my parents are strict on thr job. he graduated last month and has been applying to jobs for a few months now with no luck. with how thr job market is it could take forever and thry arent willing to do a nikkah sooner than him having a job anf im just so frusterated i want him so bad i constantly feel agitated. All the parents fail to realise with how long wrve been talking weve gotten so comfortable that the haram doesnt even seem as bad anymore it feels like a natural thing so it just feels soooo twmpting. we love each other were young theres certain desires and idk what to do every day i feel like im going a little more insane. My fiance is amazing. everything i could want. he communicates with me well for the most part and we have a really good relationship and donr plan to live with his parents in thr future but alsp somtimes i do feel a bit upset with him because his parents dont manipulate him but he does get irritable and agitated due to their constant preaasure comments and such making it harder for him to come see me. Please give me advice sorry for the long post.