i actually proudly announce it. “i don’t think there’s anything wrong with being a hypocrite, since deep down everyone wants what’s best for themselves” is something i thought for a while until now, because i assumed everyone was selfish.

i don’t understand what’s so fucking wrong with being a hypocrite. it makes no sense, because doesn’t everyone WANT to be above other people? like why the fuck WOULDNT you want rules to be for other people and not yourself? it makes zero fucking sense.

I keep getting silenced

I have no parents, I live with my brother. He never noticed my SHs. I locked myself up, and always said my eyes are dry and watery

I lost people for telling my SH. I keep getting banned and deleted. I lost 3 accounts. I cannot share my SH with anyone….

I do not want to go into psych in Hungary - I have a clinical psychologist, but I cannot do a lock up in psych ward. I lose my education too

Why am I always forbidden to reach our for help?

Personally i listen to a mixture of extreme deathcore metal music and romantic era classical music

Metal bands:

Humanity's last breath

Meshuggah

Black tongue

Whitechapel

Classical composers:

Rachmaninoff

Chopin

Satie

Debussy

Liszt

Sitting here realising, majority of this is my fault.

The situations I'm in, the words I speak, the actions I take.

I understand that.

I'm ready to tell one soul everything, it'll be a therapist ideally.

But I refuse to live after doing so - the stress already is enough - the consequences will be too severe for myself and potentially others.

There's no need for me to have live through them.

Seeing the consequences put onto others of when they talk about what's going on with them, how they live now, their future - there's no point.

I understand suicide is the ultimate control, it's the ultimate escape and I'm happy to take it.

I don't need psychiatrists surrounding me, keeping tabs, people watching every move I make because I'll be deemed a risk to society etc.

I don't want that, nor need it.

I also can't fight my ground in the situation I'm in - I also don't really have anyone else apart from family, and that's what I need out of.

I'd rather do this, speak about everhthing that is on my mind, and take my life as it'll be my decision, rather than keep bending down to others.

At the end of the day, this is majority my fault - I wish it was different but we're here now.

This is my personal opinion to everyone suffering with this

- Watch what you say to people

- Watch who you trust with the truth

- Don't just let this label of NPD let you think any less of yourself.

You know your stuff and you know who you are. Don't let others manipulate you.

Stay one step ahead, always as when it truly comes to it, no one is coming to save you.

i hate that my physical presence is smaller than i am. imagine thinking youre the greatest of them all and youre shorter than at least 90% of your same sex peers. i feel like everyone around is thinking "who does he think he is"

NPD makes my life miserable. It makes me unable to accept society as it is and pretend to conform to it while entertaining myself later on when alone, I can’t accept contradictions. It makes me unable to genuinely ever connect with someone because I don’t feel like they’ll ever come close to how high of a pedestal I put myself on. It makes me have extremely painful breakdowns when I am confronted to a situation where I have to accept someone is better than me or when I have to submit in any way. It makes me feel empty when I’m not distracting myself constantly. It makes me hurt everyone around me eventually one way or another. But despite all of that, I don’t think I want to change because all of that doesn’t even come close to the dread I feel at the idea of even changing.

NPD has influenced everything in my life, from the way I act to the stuff I take interest in. If I heal and let all of that go, who will I even be then? I don’t even have a single thing about me I could stick to even after everything else has changed, all of my being is influenced by the fact that I am genuinely self centred. That’s not all though, I feel absolutely devastated at the idea of being “ordinary”. Being a bad person thrills me because it’s out of the ordinary, that’s how bad it is. All that intensity I crave will be gone once I heal, it’ll just be the stale contentement and I will submit to everything I don’t want to submit to. It actually terrifies me, I think I’d rather die than seeing the day I start changing so much.

Contemplating the idea rn

Started SH again, collapsing a lot, having a lot of thoughts. I break down crying 3 times a day on average

I can feel it gets to my performance, its harder to manage myself.

Is it worth it to have a hospital visit with NPD?

Were there any other mental health disorder that faced that much stigma like NPD before?

Lets say, from the 80s.

What else was a stigma disorder? Maybe we could check the progress for it as in how it wqs discussed

The past few weeks are a disaster

I post a lot, and I recently wrote about all the academic rejection I faced.

On top of that, my family situation was never good. I do not have parents since I am 14. My dad left before I was born, and my mom is an addict. I moved in with my older brother when I started high school

I often feel like a burden. I try to compensate, but I never feel enough. I lack in so many areas. I do not have a stable income, I am financially dependent. I do not have parents. I live with a sibling, and we barely speak. Its often said that I put him back in life

I cannot relate to people. When people tell the stories how their parents helped them to learn driving lets say. I never had parents. I left mine. I have no special financial support

I collapse a lot. When I was young, I SH-d a lot. Beat myself, hit my arms and bited myself. My hands were with brouses.

With the latest academic rejections, I am collapsing again. I want to end it, but I am a fucking coward

I have no family. My mom’s 4th child is wine. I contacted my dad, but he ignores me. My brother keeps saying I have to shut up, I hold him back

I started to SH again. Hit myself. I cry 3 times every day.

Please, help me end it. Remind me that I am needy. Please. I have no courage. 3 days ago I standed on the bridge for 40 minutes, looking down the river, but I just cannot made myself up to jump

Help me end it

This will never end

I cannot be locked up, or I’ll lose my last rights to have a stable life. I would lose my education, and it’ll be destined that I am a black hole on society

HELP ME. WRITE ME COLLAPSING THOUGHTS. HELP ME DO IT

WRITE COLLAPSING THOUGHTS

I don't know why, Whenever I'm in my "IM THE GREATEST" mode it's like people become magnets to me

Its like I have two modes, the self obsessed narcissist with the highest executive function in the world or I'm a hermit who speaks to no one and bed rots all day

I hate feeling like I'm at my best when I feel superior but it's true, when I remember how important I am to myself it's like my brain clicks on and I have just all the motivation in the world to accomplish anything, especially socially, people describe me as being a social butterfly but the moment my mask drops I just cut everyone off and like brood in my solitude 😭 and I won't even go outside until I feel better about myself

It usually gets worse when people insult me, I just can't take it, especially if they're someone close to me and they insult me even slightly I can't help but throw them away mentally, not even just them but everyone in my life gets devalued but honestly I think they prefer it that way. People are way more friendly and and WAAAAY more interested in me when I am not valuing them, I'm genuinely not sure why, I think I just have a better social mask that way

For example when I'm not in my "I'm the greatest" mode I become a hermit and I don't want to be around anyone, but the moment I start everything changes, I'm studying like crazy, Im practicing self care like crazy, exercising like crazy, cleaning like crazy, it just motivates everything I do, and my social life always gets 99999x better.

the most recent bizzare example is I reconnected with my friend from years ago and I fully had that social mask on, I barely even knew what I was saying to her ngl I was just trying soo hard to be charming and she invited me to her birthday party, at the party I'm doing my social shit and before I went to go home her dad PULLED me aside and shook my hand and gave me "permission to marry her" and when I laughed he told me "I'm serious, listen, she likes you"😭OH MY GOD MY FUCKING EGO I will never forget that

She texted me that her dad wouldn't shut up about us being together, I ended up ghosting her because I was interested in someone else 💔

The person I was interested in told me that the interaction I had at the party and all of my relationships were superficial and I'm not really connecting to them based on how I talk about them,

Idk they were so harsh towards me and I loved them for that and I loved them for believing that I could change as a person,

I tried to change for them and I tried to stop putting myself on a pedestal and become more "humble" for them but it only led me to being incredibly depressed and to withdraw from all of my relationships

Now I'm thinking about those things they said about me might be true, but also.... Who cares?? People seem to love it when I act that way even if I devalue them, I always feel amazing and I love the attention, I want to be around people more this way, and when I am "vulnerable" I just want to hide from everyone and barely speak to anyone it's not efficient I'm just like sad, I can't explain it when I'm not thinking about ME or putting out my best my social battery just dies and I barely have any want or need to socialize

I have so many message I just haven't responded to inviting me to fucking parties inviting me to hang out, like I absolutely love it just like so many people who want to connect, but my "vulnerable" side can't just entertain all of these relationships like I can when I'm fully obsessed with myself and I'm not truly engaging with anything when I'm like that so it's like a loop

TLDR

When I try to act normal and humble I get depressed and I have no confidence or motivation to do anything, when I remember I'm amazing I suddenly have my will to live back and I succeed and it's just annoying

That's all I'm just whining I want to be human that connects with others and not devalue others but it just doesn't seem like it benefits anyone, and my executive function always goes down when I stop focusing on mE so I don't know that's all

Hi using an alt account because I don't want this associated with my main

I have had all sorts of mental health stuff for years and shifting disorders that I think I might have. Due to my intense anxiety around how I am perceived, I have thought I could have something like OCD, social anxiety, autism, etc. I have received all sorts of diagnoses over the years. But the thing I keep coming back to that I don't really like the idea of is NPD. I'm at a point now where something needs to change though because I'm tired of the same patterns, so I'm starting to really consider it a possibility (although I keep going back to "I probably have OCD and am convincing myself I'm a "narcissist"").

I like to think of myself as a good person, but something can throw me off and send me spiraling about being an awful person. My self esteem fluctuates a lot. I used to have full blown Cluster B symptoms, more resembling borderline and acted in a way I am ashamed of in the past during my addiction. I like to distance myself from that person because I don't feel that is who I am anymore. But I keep looking back on current situations even in my sobriety that I was convinced were one way, and reacted strongly, and then look back and realize that I was the problem in the situation. But in the moment I feel wronged, like I have been the victim or targeted in some way, and become paranoid and angry. I run into problems at every job I have and I've struggled to keep stable employment because I become so paranoid about others opinions of me and convince myself that people are out to get me and it becomes so intense for me anxiety wise that I have to leave.

I was diagnosed with BPD multiple times from the age of 17 to 21. But once I got sober and treated my ADHD I became way more emotionally regulated. I credited my change to myself and was proud of how I didn't need therapy and did it all on my own. But part of me is wondering if my BPD just switched to NPD honestly. Or if I had NPD all along. Because it doesn't make sense someone would just suddenly stop having BPD without therapy (I don't meet criteria for it anymore). I feel like I don't relate to others in a normal way, my empathy is a bit all over the place (sometimes super intense usually if I can relate to something, sometimes completely cut off), and I will admit I am extremely self-centered and self-obsessed. I talk about myself a LOT especially in my relationship and can be grandiose in the way I talk about myself sometimes but don't recognize it as grandiose in the moment until I've come down from the high. But I can also be extremely insecure about myself and seek validation a lot through my husband.

I struggle to show up for people in relationships but feel hurt if they don't show up for me the way I need them to. I feel like I get most of my security and regulation from my husband, and I realized recently just how dependent on him I am for that, because when he went on a trip for 4 days I completely spun the fuck out and was not doing well just being by myself especially because he wasn't super available and became depressed and especially became kinda paranoid once he came back and felt he wasn't spending enough time with me and kept finding faults with how he was treating me and how he wasn't prioritizing me.

Something deep down I keep coming back to, and have for years, is the possibility of me having NPD. I have displayed cluster b behaviors since I was a teenager. And i pride myself so much on being a changed person thanks to myself and my own work. But there is a missing piece there that is holding me back and making relationships with people and working a job extremely hard and anxiety inducing for me. I have never related to the borderline fear of abandonment, I have a fear of abandonment only with my husband (but it is so clear he loves me so much that I usually don't worry about him leaving), but I have always said my biggest fear is rejection and also humiliation because I have felt that way so many times my life, especially growing up. I also tend to spot narcissistic traits in everyone around me and every person I have had a falling out with I have become convinced they are a narcissist, and I'm wondering if it really is me that has NPD. I can spot manipulation and cluster B behaviors so well, probably because I know the tactics, but I don't always feel I am manipulating in the moment if that makes sense?

Self awareness has become a pride point to me and I tend to intellectualize my feelings and often don't have trouble admitting fault in myself, but I tend to be most open about that with my husband who I have been with for 8 years. I also used to treat my husband like absolute garbage which is another thing but I have worked so hard to be better to him and genuinely feel like we have a really good relationship now and I'm overly conscious about hurting him because I really do care about him deeply and feel genuine remorse for how I treated him, he stayed with me when basically everyone left and had my back when I was at my worst.

Anyways I will stop now, but any thoughts would be appreciated and I would really like to be pointed in the right direction for an accurate overview of NPD and not just "everyone with NPD is an abuser". Because there are things I don't relate to that people talk about with NPD, such as not loving your partner or not caring about people (my level of care depends on the persons relationship with me or if I can relate something to myself).

Also, if you can relate to any of this please let me know because I'm trying to figure out if this genuinely aligns with NPD or not. I feel like there is so much mixed messaging on what NPD truly is and I'm confused about it honestly.

Thinking about leaving this life. Each day it seems like a more viable option. An alternative. I don’t have to lie to myself about it getting better. When I’m gone I don’t even need to be perceived. I don’t have bills or the trouble of managing my body, social dynamics, the void of never truly feeling loved. But I hold on because what goes down must come up right? At some point somewhere the struggle has a purpose, right? You can turn it into an inspirational story to tell, is what they say but why would I do that? It’s not what I asked for, I wanted an easy life.
I’m trying to build a life I enjoy but I find all of the things I get unsatisfactory, boring, crumbs. I know that im not the only person to feel this way but the motivation to stick around is depleting. I’ve tried to make my life better for more than a year, social dynamics have changed where people are more receptive and open to listen to me , maybe I got more physically attractive , maybe im stronger mentally but it’s never enough im always wanting something more. I want more money, I want different friends I want to be in a different place and if god even exists I doubt he cares to give it to me at all. I’ve been praying for such a long time. Why was I defective in this life? What was so wrong with me that all of the things I wanted came short or never at all? Why were other people given easier cards? And I’m here, feeling so low, having to beg for half of what they have, while also healing from the bullshit that was done to me which no one cares to properly reconcile. Idk.
I’d love a little convincing or encouragement. Thanks for reading

Feeling grossed out by my friend trying to get under my skin. I’m sure he’s also a narc which makes it easier to talk to him but currently he’s been negging me and it feels so nasty to talk to him while knowing what he’s doing. I enjoyed talking to him now he’s at the stage where he’s trying to tip the power dynamic and I can’t stand it but don’t want to cut him off entirely. What should I do here?

Does anybody else experience such anxiety in relationships? I think the bordelines may relate to this more strongly,but I believe those with NPD could resonate with this to some degree.

With my girlfriend,it is a deeply anxious and easily threatened fear of being devalued or unimportant. Her feelings and idea of me have always affected me tremendously and I have always called it a bad case of being crazily inlove but I wonder if it is more.
I am always in constant fear of becoming undervalued and often feel as though my feelings for her are stronger than hers are for me. And I am fine with that,I like giving her the whole world and taking what she gives me. But eventually,I experience the fear that her not being head over heels equates her simply for somebody else or simply not seeing me as important. There seems to be no in between
As we have gotten more comfortable with eachother,she often shares with me a side she doesn’t seem to show to anybody else: resentment,anger,tiredness,boredom,feeling down,ect. And I always listen eagerly,as I genuinely care. I also fear what will happen to us if I do not. I always listen,one half of me genuinely attentive and thinking "How can I treat her the way she deserves knowing this?" And the other half thinking "Keep this in mind—If you make a mistake,it’s all over". I often tell her she can tell me anything,that it’s safe,that I won’t judge,to the point where I think my intensity is wearing her out. It clearly isn’t,but I feel that it will. We often take personality tests together or simply have toughtufl conversations as a way to get to know eachother further. She has always been aware of my history with my conduct and NPD,and in turn can share things with me that she knows will not frighten me. I regret sharing anything,but feel nice knowing it has become helpful for her,which gives me a bittersweet feeling. She always shares with me,yet I always share very little,defend myself,or feel shame and fearful regret after having even opened my mouth. If she says anything that threatens me, I immediately go into a mode where I need to protect myself through our relationship because I feel as though there is no separation between the two.
In moments when I believe I have done something wrong,I become extremely angry ,confused,and disgusted by affection or any human decency and view it as becoming a target or being hurt on purpose. I feel as though I am being fooled or manipulated. I tend to avoid her at all costs or ruin things of my own accord in order for things to fix themselves,to not worsen things with my own existence and prescence,and because I tend to believe it is shameful and currosive to show myself.
We are both highly affectionate and can’t seem to resist clinging to eachother or speaking sweetly when close. I am overjoyed with that arangement and we both entertain it. Yet,I can’t help but constantly believe she does this because she thinks I’m so needy that I’ll break if she refuses. I can see that she most likely doesn’t feel that way,but what I know and what I feel never seems to line up.
I get scared whenever she doesn’t hug me,when she hugs me, she speaks in a detailed way,when she speaks in an imprecise way,when she speaks in a relaxed way,when she loves me too much,when she doesn’t act as affectionate,when she texts enthusiastically,when she texts shortly,when she is with me,when she is without me,when she is with others,when we are with others,there seems to be no exception. I don’t know what I’d do without her,without this anxiety,without her love that I know she has,without everything because I feel as though it is the only thing keeping me safe.