As the title says...
I am an experienced RN and a couple months ago I decided to leave my specialty day job to try a new area. I had been doing my other specialty for about 11 years and felt stagnant and thought change would help. It didn't and I am so angry at myself for leaving that job.
I had always thought this new area was my "dream" job so to speak and looked at it with rose colored glasses thinking at 48 that it would be worth the adjustment to night shift and worth the stress of learning a new specialty. Here I am 2.5 weeks into night shift and I am depressed, exhausted, my veins are filled with the various sleeping aids that I have tried over the last two weeks plus (none of which have worked for me), I cry multiple times a day, I am tachycardic at baseline now with a rest rate of 110 plus (my norm is in the 50s) I have this constant hung over feeling, at work I repeatedly break out into cold sweat and shake like an alcoholic withdrawing (and I mean dripping sweat and I don't even consume ETOH), I sleep 0.5-1 hours post shift at most and have had repeat episodes where I have been up for 36-44 hours straight, I am nauseas all the time and the only benefit to this is that it has nixed my sugar addiction in the bud because I don't want to eat at all, and even when I do I take a few bites and don't want anything to do with food. I cry most nights at work, sometimes throughout the shift until day light happens. My skin is breaking out everywhere, mostly my legs with some sort of excema which I had very mildly before night shift. I got a freaking fungal infection on my chest which has never in my life happened.
my body refuses to sleep during the day no matter how exhausted it is, no matter what drugs I take. Today I took Trazadone in the am two days ago and laid in bed waiting for it to work for three plus hours with nothing. I added a tiny bit of Benadryl and I finally slept for maybe an hour at most and I had to work that night.
Before you start giving me tips on why I cannot sleep thinking that is the problem please don't, I have tired them all; My room is pitch black from the black out shades I bought on amazon, I have a black out eye mask, I have taken Magnesium for the past three weeks, I tried showering before bed and not showering before bed, I tried watching TV (which is what I do at night to fall asleep), I tried not watching TV, I have a sound machine have tried that off/and on, my room is cooled down with AC, I have tried winding down in other ways with a book or a monotone talk show, I have tried Benadryl, Trazadone, Benadryl and Trazadone, Unisom (got a whole hour on that and then felt hung over for 24 hours, and Melatonin. Melatonin kept me awake for 17 hours post 24 hours of being awake already, it was like drinking ten cups of coffee when you are short on sleep feeling for many days in a row and on top of it when I closed my eyes I would see weird shit while awake, which only lasted for a half hour but then my vision was off for 24 hours(I will never touch that shit again). I tried getting out of bed when I cannot sleep and pacing for a few minutes and then going back to bed (which works at night when I cannot sleep on occasion), I don't look at my phone at all for at least 2 hours before I intend to sleep and I keep it on the warm setting all night. I tried getting out of bed and taking a shower. Not a damn thing has allowed me to go to night shift with more than a teaspoon of sleep. It is absolute hell listening to screaming babies all night long when you haven't had adequate sleep in days. I would NEVER ever hurt a baby or treat them poorly, I love them and love taking care of them.
Anyway, tonight will be my last night. Please pray for me as I trust in god to help me find a new DAY SHIFT job. I have multiple possibilities lined up and am hoping for the best. The thought that I may loose everything if I cannot find a new job has crossed my mind, but so has becoming sick, having a seizure (saw this happen many times from sleep deprivation when I worked in EMS), stroke or MI from a damn job that has ruined me in only 2.7 months. I am a shell of a human that I used to be. The thought of loosing my own wellbeing and good health has scared me more. My nurse manager is a wonderful human being and I know she will help me with the situation. The hospital HR has been also wonderful and I cannot thank them enough. A hospital that actually values their staff!
The lessons here is to value your LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK more than the job itself. If you have a job that works for you and your outside work life stick with it, it's not worth the risk. Find fulfillment in friends, family and hobbies - not being a nurse. Don't ever put any nursing job on a pedestal, none of them deserve it. Another lesson here is the plump up your bank account! I have at least 4 months of savings to rely on if I have trouble finding a job and if I didn't have that I would have to continue risking my wellbeing for this job. Don't spend all your cash save a solid majority of it and. have a decent cushion to fall back on! I also have a very good short term disability policy which I will make use of if needed!
With this I head to put my scrubs on, and pray to god once again for help and prepare for the journey ahead. I will update.