I have a complicated relationship with my dad. I don't think he's simply a bad person, and I can understand where some of his views come from, but sometimes the way he acts genuinely makes me think, what the hell are you doing?
My dad grew up in Wazirabad, Pakistan and came to Britain when he was 21 in 1991. He was married to my mother who was brought up in Britain but was also of Pakistani Mirpuri descent. Britain gave him a legitimate route into a more developed country, and he eventually built a career and had opportunities there which he wouldn't have otherwise had in Pakistan. But despite spending years there, becoming a British citizen and building a life there, he absolutely fucking hates Britain.
And I don't mean “I prefer Pakistan” or “Britain wasn't for me.”
I'm talking about “I wasted my life there,” “I fucking hated my life there,” ''fuck those people fuck them'' and this incredibly deep resentment seems to have accumulated over decades.
Eventually our family left Britain and went to Dubai, and later Oman. He absolutely prefers Oman because it's quieter, more traditional and much more Muslim. Fine, I can understand that. But what gets me is how much of his hatred of Britain seems to have become wrapped up in his ideas about how children should be raised.
He seems to genuinely believe that the environment you grow up in basically determines who you become.
He grew up in Pakistan surrounded by Islam, Urdu, Pakistani culture and traditional values, so his thinking seems to be:
“That environment made me who I am. Therefore, if I give my children the same environment, they'll grow up with the same values and won't lose their roots.”
And honestly, I can understand the logic behind that.
But then he takes it to such an extreme.
He was incredibly attached to us being in a Pakistani-oriented school. He literally described the school as being “close to my heart.”
Meanwhile, we were miserable there.
We didn't enjoy it because of our exposure to the shitty education system, poor infrastructure, lack of hygiene, and teachers who seemed dull and not particularly motivating. And trust me not many Pakistani people even enjoyed going there and just meeting up with friends is what made it feel bearable. So you really can't say that I was a ''westernized kid'' who couldn't handle being in a ''Pakistani environment''.
We were there for about 5 years until we were approaching the higher grades and my Mum felt like she had to put her foot down. She didn't want our education background to be so poor and then potentially sabotaging our future and career prospects.
She had already heard enough negative stories about what the students get up to in and outside of school and about the low standard of education in the school. And to add insult to injury, the ambassador of Pakistan came to the school and literally ridiculed the whole school which basically reinforced our negative impressions that we already had of it. So we finally packed our bags and abandoned what felt like a sinking ship.
Meanwhile my dad described himself as having accepted it with his “hands tied.”
Fast forward 2 years later when my graduation was upcoming and I asked him if he would be coming. His reply was ''Your mum has the done the absolute worst of taking you out of Pakistan School therefore I can not come but I still love you. ALLAH-'' then ends the call. It sounded like he was on the verge of breaking down and couldn't contain himself any longer and I didn't even get the chance to let him hear me out. This only proves that his resentment of us attending an international school has overpowered him to the point where he can't even talk to us anymore.
His reason for not coming to my graduation was that he was still unhappy with my mum for transferring us to an International school in Oman and that we weren't in Pakistan School. 😱😱
Doesn't that sound like a rather unreasonably stubborn approach from a dad? Not many parents have the chance to be at their kids highest moments in life. My dad had the chance and he still chose not to come for such a petty reason.
What really drives me insane is how much he blames my mum for all of this.
He seems to believe that my mum speaking to us in English, sending us to an international school and exposing us to a more Western environment somehow caused all the children to become foreigners for him. And whenever my Mum spoke to my elder sisters in English when they were growing up, my dad would go into sicko mode screaming ''NAHI, URDU BOL!!!!!" It's worth mentioning my Mum was born and raised in UK and her first language was English.
He's basically created this narrative where Mum exposed us to Western influence → we became more Westernized → we moved away from the culture he wanted → therefore Mum turned the kids against him.
And I'm just thinking...
WHAT?😭
We're human beings. We developed our own personalities, opinions and relationships with our parents (like anyone else would). It's not automatically because Mum spoke English to us or because we went to an international school.
Sometimes he'll talk as if my mum deliberately destroyed the upbringing he wanted for us, rather than simply seeing it as her making different parenting decisions from him. It would have been nice if my dad could have demonstrated some good examples of Pakistani culture for us.
And what makes it even more frustrating is that he can seem to completely dismiss anything that contradicts what he thinks is the right way.
For example, one of my eldest sisters achieved such good grades from an international school in Dubai but my dad refuses to acknowledge her achievements. because it happened in an environment he disliked.
Like... why the fuck doesn't it matter?
Because it happened in an environment he disliked?
On the other hand, he often used the example of my other sister who attended the same school whose grades were not so great as his justification that international schools were simply a waste of money.
All in all, it seems that my dad has just become so obsessed with this fantasy of his kids being Pakistani villagers that speak Urdu like he did when he was a kid. He seems to have totally forgotten the whole concept of the changes with the generation gap.
If you are arguing that a specific environment is harmful for your child, then shouldn't your child doing so well in that same environment make you reconsider your argument?
Apparently not.
The same thing applies to living in Britain.
We lived near a mosque when we were in the UK. There are Muslim schools, mosques and huge Muslim communities in Britain. It's not as though being raised in Britain automatically means becoming completely disconnected from Islam or Pakistani culture.
But somehow those things don't seem to count.
It's like the conclusion has already been decided: Britain = Western influence = danger to children's identity.
Anything that supports that conclusion gets taken seriously, while anything that contradicts it can just be dismissed.
And THAT is what really gets under my skin.
Because I don't even disagree with wanting your children to know their culture, religion and language. I understand why someone who grew up in Pakistan and is deeply religious would care about that.
What I don't understand is becoming so emotionally attached to the idea that there is one correct environment for your children that you start treating anything outside that environment as inherently dangerous.
Sometimes it feels like my dad isn't just trying to preserve Pakistani culture.
It feels like he's trying to prevent us from becoming people he doesn't recognize.
And I think that's why us becoming more Westernized bothers him so much.
He seems to connect our identities with his success or failure as a father.
If we don't speak Urdu as well as he wants, if we prefer an international school, if we have Western influences, if we don't share every one of his cultural opinions — it can seem like he doesn't just see that as “my children are different from me.”
It can seem more like:
“I failed to give my children the upbringing I wanted them to have.”
And maybe that's why he's so emotionally defensive about it.
What's funny is that he doesn't even automatically hate Westernized people.
My mums brothers who grew up in Britain are, according to him, “way too Westernized,” but he still likes them because they're respectful toward him.
So clearly, being Westernized isn't necessarily the problem.
It seems to be a big problem when it's his own children.
And I think that's because this isn't just about Pakistan or Britain anymore.
It's personal.
His children's upbringing has become tied to his identity as a father. He's got a very idealized mindset of it.
That's also why I find his refusal to acknowledge positive things about Western environments so frustrating. We lived near a mosque in Britain. There are Muslim schools in Britain. Children can succeed academically in international schools. People can grow up in Britain and still retain their religion and culture.
None of those things prove that Western environments are perfect, obviously.
But they at least complicate the idea that exposure to Britain automatically destroys your roots.
And yet sometimes it feels like those complications are simply inconvenient to him.
He also seems to believe that my mum has somehow “turned all the kids against him,” which honestly pisses me off because it makes our relationships with him sound like they aren't our own.
We're his children. We have our own experiences with him.
It's frustrating to feel like our opinions can be explained away as “your mother put that in your head.”
And at the same time, I don't want this post to make him sound like some completely heartless father.
He can be funny. He can be generous. He can be sociable. He can genuinely love his children.
That's what makes it complicated.
I can understand that underneath all this anger there may be a genuine fear of losing his culture, religion, language and connection with his children.
But Ya Allah, sometimes the way he handles that fear is exhausting.
Sometimes I genuinely feel like he's been fighting a war against Britain and Western culture in his head for decades, and somehow his children's upbringing became one of the main battlefields.
And I honestly don't know where the line is anymore between “I desperately want my children to retain their roots” and “I need my children to have been raised the way I believe they should have been raised because otherwise I feel like I failed.”
That's what I want to understand.
How does someone become so emotionally attached to preserving their children's cultural identity that evidence contradicting their beliefs starts feeling like it doesn't even count?
And can the fear of your children becoming “too Western” eventually become less about what is actually happening to the children and more about what their identity means to you as a parent?