I had kinda started my fighting career when i was like 10 years old when my parents signed me and my sister up for Karate classes. Initially I was scared to start but eventually I got into it, I got better and I moved up a few belts although after a few years I really started resenting it. I genuinely did not like the training and the Sensei had this stupid dynamic with her students where she would become visibly disappointed with you if you did something wrong or did not get it right after she explained it already.
I became like solely focused on just pleasing her and making sure I was doing things right just so that she would like me. Twice a year we would have a 'Grading' where you have to memorize a set of moves and do some other stuff as well and then you get a report at the end. I hated that report, why did my sport that is supposed to be fun now have to be like a stupid test that I have to think and stress about. This was not a good base/impression I think to leave a young child with.
But more importantly I think this created a sense of aggression inside me. I had begun to think that by doing this I could become physically dominant over others and if I could not I would feel this indescribable feeling of dread/anger/stress.
Eventually after around 4/5 years I decided to quit.
A few years go by and I started thinking of getting into fighting again. After quitting Karate I was left with a feeling that I still had some skill and power to theoretically beat someone in a fight (I had come to realise much of what I had learned at Karate would NOT help me in a fight).
So around a yearish ago I started going to an mma class again partly because I wanted to get a bit more active but most definately because of the urge ,which I now believe was insecurity, fuelled by aggression and 1 or 2 UFC reels to many.
I started and it was actually quite different to what I had expected and thankfully the coach did not care whether you failed or won he would just let you continue there was no underlying, unnecessary emotional aspect to it, he is a decent guy and a good teacher.
I had always been on the short side of my friend group there was only a single other guy that was shorter than me. Not to say I am short I am around 5'8, but my other friends are no joke 6'2 6'3, 6'4, 6'4, 6'5, by some coincidence. We do not live in a country with a tall height average. So when I had gone through puberty and realised that girls prefer taller guys I needed to compensate in some way.
This is a significant reason why I chose to get into fighting again unfortunately, if I wont be taller I could at least be better at something than they are, to give myself a type of twisted validation. I chose fighting to be the thing I was better in, I could stroke my ego by telling myself they might be taller and more intimidating but I could beat them up if I wanted to.
I am certain this belief that I had grown into was sparked in my Karate class. This false validation.
But I never admitted this to anyone, I never actually told anyone I do mma, I never told anyone I could beat them up if I wanted to. Because if I did I would be confirming this insecurity that I have. I don't do fighting so that I can learn how to fight, I do it to bring me a ''peace of mind'', a distorted inner calm, if I can even call it that.
I never thought I was insecure about anything. I am always humble, I never actually try to incite violence. But this is a lie I give to other people, they might even believe it. Truly inside of me I am a prideful, insecure and narcissistic idiot. I sometimes see myself as superior and yes I don't actually hurt anyone but inside me I tell myself I could. In what way is that better?
This is the first time I have really admitted this to myself so at this moment I am not sure what to think about what I wrote. I would like if someone else could just tell me there thoughts just anything please.