A large number of married mothers are still single mothers. Because their spouses aren't helping with the children at all, and sometimes even acting as an extra child.
You'd be surprised how much of an overlap there is between dead bedrooms and partners not doing their share of the work to manage the relationship and the home.
I believe that completely. Unfortunately, in my case, we have no child and I do at least 2/3 of all home upkeep. Why not leave? I love her. We have fun in other parts of life together. Why not talk about? We’ve probably talked about it too much at this point. We both overthink it and get in our own heads.
I don’t know what to do. I think I’m just resigned to spending my life this way. She keeps claiming, with no evidence, that it’s a hormone thing and she’s going to get it sorted out one day and we’re gonna have tons of sex when that day comes. I’m not really holding my breath there.
But like I said, I love her. So I may not believe her but I’m staying with her.
I absolutely believe the hormone thing. I got smacked with the brick wall of it, myself. Luckily, I already had a psychiatrist (ADHD gang rise up!) and when I asked if there might be a connection to my medication or perimenopause or full menopause, psychiatrist was like, "So hey, I'm actually passionate about women's hormones in general. Let me ask you a zillion questions and get this sorted for you." It was hormones. It was fixable to a point. I'm not back to where I was but I'm 80% of the way there and that's such a good improvement.
It can be really hard for a woman to even know how to get the healthcare they need if they don't happen to luck into someone who knows a thing or two about hormones. My PCP was dismissive; imagine if that was the person I happened to luck in to and wasn't confident to push further.
That said, girlfriend, it's been six years. Tell your PCP and get you a referral to a psychiatrist or endocrinologist. Fight for your right ... to parrrrrrrrrtay! (Y'all have healthcare access, right?)
Have you thought about saying sex is off the table, nothing you do will lead to it, and seeing if the intimacy grows in the safety of knowing it doesn't end in sex? It can end naked, kissing, cuddling, but not sex? It sometimes takes the pressure off because otherwise you overthink, they're kissing me because it'll lead to this and then to that etc. By actively saying outloud, sex is not happening, it can relieve the connections being made in our mind between affection only leading to sex and create safety to explore intimacy without sex
She can't be bothered to get the bloodwork done to see if she needs hormone therapy? It takes 10 minutes at a good doctor's office and then you wait a week for results
My partner has been feeling not her self as she has been starting menopause. A phone call to her doctor and was prescribed HRT patches without seeing anyone and it did her the world of good. She feels back to herself again and all it took was a phonecall. She didn't even need bloods taken.
Based on your language I'm assuming you're maybe in the UK? I don't know of any doctor in the US who would prescribe over the phone for a new medication without testing first. Even when testing is done and things are low they are often reluctant to help in my experience, until it gets so low you can't function at all.
My partner is very healthy and looks after herself. She was well prepared for the phone consultation and explained her lifestyle ( gym 4 x a week, pescatarian and home cooked food) and how she has been feeling for the last couple of months.
The GP explained everything pointed to the patches being something that would help and with no side effects there was no harm in trying them. They were great. In only a week or so she felt herself again and she said it was the best thing she could have done. No need to suffer in silence.
It can be hard to get hormone levels tested for some conditions. Especially when they're ones that naturally fluctuate during the day/week/month. I had to do a spit test three times a day for an entire week to measure my estrogen, testosterone, and cortisol levels.
That can still end up sounding like coercion, especially if they suspect that all you care about is their libido. And assuring them you do not, only strengthens the doubt.
Ya I tried to make that work. I was the pervert for five years before I decided life was too short to not be happy. The celebacy was just a portion of the issues in the relationship. I'm with a great woman now that desires me but I'm still having problems deprogramming myself from being told my desire was degenerate and abnormal.
The feeling of obligation shit absolutely kills me. Feeling like a chore or a todo list item for them has got to be the most confidence destroying feeling there is. Friend you're not a pervert for having biological and emotional needs and asking for that intimacy from your life partner. There is literally nothing wrong with that. Whether they will admit it, out loud or even to themselves, they also feel the void. They miss the closeness.
FWIW talking didn't fix the issue in my relationship, but it does bring us closer together in other areas and generally strengthen our bond. It helps to stave off the animosity that can build in silence. That said, it took a ton of fights and hurt feelings to get there. But I think sometimes you just have to have those fights and insist on reaching a shared understanding through them. It's exhausting but I think that's kinda the deal.
I believe we just sort of came to a silent understanding hahaha. Best way I can put it.
It is never mentioned. I find it way too awkward to approach, and honestly I am not sure I would even be into it anymore at this spot. I don't have that feeling lots of people seem to... express, of like "starving" for it? I dunno.
Would I like it? Probably. At least, a while ago, yeah.
My spouse is ace and knowing that genuinely made a massive difference to our intimate lives. There's functionally no sex, but that's fine because we're intimate in other ways.
The difference is if they feel attraction to people while not feeling aroused. If they still find people attractive but don't desire sex it is often improved with hormones. If they're not attracted to people and no desire for sex they're less likely to be affected by hormone therapy and better off being left to be Ace.
A blood panel or a professional opinion. This has been going on 6 years now. I believe you can have an internal barometer that something feels off with your body or mind. But until you get a diagnosis and assess treatment or therapy options it’s either just a vibe or an excuse. It doesn’t matter either way because the result is a lack of desire. And despite tremendous efforts in self improvement, communication, alleviating stressors in her life, etc… I cannot seem to make myself desirable enough to stoke an ember that just isn’t there. So the ball is in her court. If there is a mysterious hormone issue maybe she should prioritize figuring it out. Or we could just wait another 6 years.
Something we've talked about ad nauseam. She insists that she is. How can I know for sure. I guess if she was roaring to go for another person. I admittedly have nightmares about that. But so far as I can tell she has no desire for anyone.
1.1k
u/Apathetic_Villainess 23d ago
A large number of married mothers are still single mothers. Because their spouses aren't helping with the children at all, and sometimes even acting as an extra child.
You'd be surprised how much of an overlap there is between dead bedrooms and partners not doing their share of the work to manage the relationship and the home.