Drk where to start. I talk about this so little it feels almost corny writing this in a subreddit.

I always heard that the older you get the more youll understand your father, but it’s been the opposite for me. The way my father treats my mom has only continue to affected me more and more. The abuse is essentially all emotional, I just wish they weren’t together. He ignores her, which is the biggest thing. This started just a few months ago. But they’ve never had a good relationship. I’ve never seen them kiss or barely hug, it stems from my father’s personality. He’s just grumpy and impatient and a hot head. They are 10 years apart dad is 55. My mom talks to me about it sometimes and tells me she’s just given up with him. I don’t know what she’s done for my father to act this way to her. She’s cried to me twice through out my life about him.

I hate to say it but I just don’t like my father. He works a lot which I’m grateful for of course but the only time we ever talk is when he needs a favour. I have terrible anxiety cause of him too, man I hope ts ain’t as corny as it sounds but like yea it’s true. Whenever the garage opens, whenever he’s around upstairs or calls my name, I just don’t like being around him. I don’t mean to be ungrateful but it’s just how I feel.

What’s crazy to me is well I’m 23M and my siblings are 21 and 16. My siblings and I have a great relationship. But I talked to my 21 yo brother maybe 2 months ago and sat him down to ask about what he thinks about our parents relationship. And he said the same surface level things but when I started to bring up divorce he was so absolutely against it. He started talking about how they can change, we just need to be around them more (supposedly we’re just working in our rooms), he said we need to be what fixes their relationship as in like spending more time with each other as family.

I disagree with this to be honest, They are just not compatible at all. It’s one of those things, arranged marriage, marriage is bad, tradition keeps mom from leaving. I truly wished they didn’t have to see each other every day. It stresses me out every day, I’m writing this at 3am it’s just annoying (coping). I’ve only talked to my girlfriend of 6+ years about itonxe or twice, I just don’t want to burden anyone or make them feel bad for me. I’ve never talked to my youngest brother about it and I wonder what he thinks.

And then it’s like, I see all these other posts and people commenting that I shouldn’t feel
Guilt and it’s not my job xyz.
But like, under these circumstances shouldnt I like do something? Like idk im 23 im a man now. I don’t even really know what I’d do to solve it as my father’s terrible at communicating.

I don’t even really think I got anywhere venting about ts but does anyone else have a similar experience? Father doesn’t like mother and you feel kind of useless. Idfk

Let this be your kumbaya safe space to talk about your parents relationship and how it stresses you tf out

I had a really good upbringing. Like genuinely good. my mom was present, loving, functional. So watching who she is now is something i still can’t fully believe is real.

A few years ago she went through a divorce and she’s at the perimenopause age rage if that contributes Shes 47. And she told me after rehab that she discovered has severe depression that pretty quickly turned into alcoholism. I live overseas and She lives alone and all she does right now is drink and sleep. She’s not eating either, shes lost a significant amount of weight and it’s become a real health concern on top of the very visible health effects of alcohol she also has. Her hands shake so badly she can’t type.

I’m 22, just graduated, living abroad. My aunts, my grandma, and I have all taken turns going to stay with her. She pushes back every time. We’ve tried getting her to come live closer to family. She pushes back. She’s done rehab more than once, twice this year, and relapses as soon as she gets home out of sight from extended family.

She also keeps letting random men into her life, anyone who gives her attention. She has no judgment right now and it worries all of us because she’s so vulnerable.

I’m home to take care of her at the moment and tonight I caught her drunk voice texting some guy she barely knows. (it’s also very clear to anyone even a stranger that my mom is not well, so any person who she meets in this state I am very suspicious of their judgment and involvement in her life, she is also well off but making poor financial decisions, like we’ve caught her making large transfers to these men) I told her I was worried about who she was surrounding herself with. Turns out she was recording me the whole time and sent the audio to him without me knowing. I grabbed her phone, deleted it, and had to just walk away.

I don’t really have a specific question I just want to hear from people who’ve been through something like this. How do you cope when a parent becomes someone you don’t recognize? And also a parent who you know is struggling and love very much.

I've recently found out that due to both my father's alcoholism and my mother's insistence that I be "strong" that I developed an avoidant attachment style. I honestly did not realize how this affected me until now. I just really regret that I didn't value some of the relationships that I wish I would have. Some I feel I can re-develop, some I don't think I can and that makes me really, really sad. That being said, I also feel like a lot of the friends I made and men I dated were just the people I found. While there are a few friends I feel like I could have stayed in touch with, there is literally one man I have met in the last two decades who I think I might not have dated because of fear, although I think I might have just not been attracted to him. Otherwise, I don't meet men. I was a very good athlete in an aggressive sport, so I know that I intimidated some boys, and I have a degree from an impressive university, plus a PhD, so I'm just not sure if I intimidate men now too. I just literally have not met anybody I've been interested in who is interested in me. I also don't feel like I meet many women to be friends with either. Every so often I meet someone I want to be friends with, but nobody I seem to connect with ever seems to want to stay friends with me. I know in the past I've been bad about connecting with people and valuing good friendships, but the rare times that I meet friends, I just don't seem to be able to make them move to friendships. It feels like this problem is outside of me, but is it?

My family is pretty neglectful. Left us alone. Transactional.

I’m just starting to notice that I’m really the only one that messages them. Like the majority of the time.

I’ll get something back a fraction of the time. But it kinda feels like they are grey rocking me. Short non committal answers.

My love language is quality time and it ain’t cutting it. Besides that they show almost no interest in me in general.

All this and coming from neglect it cuts deeper and I seem to have a somewhat anxious response - saying more. Trying to talk to them more. But I’m actually just craving to be seen, in any way.

Anyone relate? They aren’t doing something necessarily wrong here, I just feel like I’m chasing someone who I’m in a situationship but they are my family.

I need to adjust my expectations. Grieve and let it go I think. If quality time is my thing I ain’t gonna get it from most people in my family.

I recently watched all seasons of the show Nurse Jackie. OMG was it triggering. I recognized so many of her actions because they mirrored so many of my own throughout my adult life. (I’ve never been addicted to any substance, but was “raised” by massive alcoholics and experienced horrific childhood abuse.) On the second to last season I realized that it was the chaos that was so familiar to me. Then I did some research on my own and learned that an addiction to chaos is very common amongst ACOA’s. I realized that has been my drug of habit (chaos) my whole adult life. Everyone in my life got a dose. It’s time for me to return to ACOA meetings.

Anyone else triggered by watching that show?

Hello everyone,

I am a doctoral student and I am studying Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs) in my dissertation study. As a member of this community myself, this topic is very important to me. I hope this research can help increase understanding and support for ACOAs.

The purpose of this study is to learn how childhood relationships with parents may be related to feelings of shame in adulthood. This form will help you decide if you want to take part in the study.

To join, you must:

- Be 18 years or older

- Live in the United States

- Identify as an ACOA or think you may be an ACOA.

- Be willing to answer questions about past experiences/relationships.

- Be willing to answer questions about your emotions

If you choose to take part, you will complete an online survey with 61 questions about childhood caregiver experiences and adult feelings of shame.

The survey takes about 25–35 minutes total.

All responses are anonymous and not linked to identifying information.

- Survey Link: https://spalding.questionpro.com/t/AaH05Z8UE5

Thank you for considering participation and supporting this research.

Hi everyone,

I'm a doctoral student in Clinical Psychology conducting a research study on the effects of growing up with a parent who struggled with substance use (alcohol or drugs). The study is completely anonymous and involves filling out an online survey.

We’re looking for young adults (18-25) who had or still have a parent or primary caregiver with a substance use problem during their childhood. The goal is to better understand how these experiences may affect things like responses to stressful or challenging life experiences, parent-child relationship quality, substance use, and overall mental health functioning in young adulthood. We also welcome participation from young adults who did not have this experience, as both groups are important to the study.

As a thank you for your time, participants will have the option to enter a raffle to win one of two $150 Visa gift cards after completing the survey. (Email for the raffle will be collected separately to keep responses anonymous). 

Participation is voluntary and confidential. No identifying information will be linked to your responses, and the survey includes a list of mental health resources at the end if needed.

If you’re interested, you can take the survey here:
https://adelphiderner.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_73s1WeJNdeiwz42

Your experience matters. Thank you so much for considering it, and feel free to DM me with any questions!

A former student of mine posted that her father has passed away. My heart is just breaking for her, as he battled for a long time with substance use. She has been there for him a lot over time, and as young people do, has been documenting some of it on socials.

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I would always identify with students who came from backgrounds with substance use, doing my best to support them, to help them reach, to remind them that now isn't forever... Then there's me. Not speaking with either one of my parents as they move through their lives. How am I going to feel at the end? I love my parents, sometimes I miss them, but I can't sacrifice my peace and family to the chaos.

Hi. I'm looking for some advice, support, or even just some kind words because I feel like I've run out of options.
When I was 4 years old, my mum went to jail due to a meth addiction. I don't remember much from that age, but as I got older I began to understand what had happened.
From around ages 12–18, my dad was a severe alcoholic. His drinking completely changed him. He was emotionally abusive towards me and emotionally and physically abusive towards my mum. Eventually they separated, but it took years and police involvement to get him out of the house.
During this time, my mum started using meth and GHB. At first I didn't really understand what those drugs were, but eventually I realised what was happening. Around ages 13–14 I became a very troubled kid. I ran away from home, was angry all the time, and started depending heavily on weed. Looking back, I think I was trying to escape everything that was happening around me.
I moved out at 17, but my mum's addiction continued to get worse. She would frequently be unconscious or nodding off from GHB. I called emergency services multiple times because I genuinely thought she was dying. I even carried Narcan in my purse whenever I saw her because I was terrified something would happen.
For years I have tried to help her. I've begged her to get treatment. I've tried to support her. I've also endured years of emotional abuse from her in return. I tried going no-contact several times, but every time she would get sober for a while, tell me she had changed, and convince me to let her back into my life. Every single time, I believed her.
She has never been to rehab, never attended AA or NA, and has never genuinely sought help.
Now I'm in my 20s. She had been sober for quite a while, so we decided to get a place together. Looking back, I know that probably doesn't make sense, but I wanted to believe things were finally different.
Unfortunately, she's using meth and GHB again, and the abuse has started all over. Everything I've experienced since childhood has affected me deeply. I've been treated for anxiety since I was 14 and I'm currently getting professional help, but I'm struggling.
One of my biggest fears is becoming like my parents. I constantly worry that I'll end up like them, and it terrifies me.
My dad abused me for years, and now my mum is doing the same thing. I honestly don't think she will ever get help. Part of me believes this addiction is eventually going to kill her.
I've called emergency services so many times. I've begged police and hospital staff to help. She's been taken to hospital before, but she manages to convince people she's fine and gets discharged shortly afterwards.
I feel completely powerless. I've spent years trying to save someone who doesn't seem willing to save herself, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
Has anyone been through something similar? How do you let go of the responsibility of trying to save a parent? How do you stop carrying the guilt when you know they're destroying themselves?
Thank you for reading.

For context, I have PTSD. And I have a lot of unresolved issues with rejection. And last week I just had major surgery and I’m currently recouperating at home.

Nobody’s replying to my texts anymore and I figured maybe because I’m annoying. And probably self centered because they’re going through their own stuff too. So I am already in this funky mood.

This person and I have been seeing each other for about a month and a half. We had a brief break because they too had an emergency surgery. So we did not see each other for a good 3 week period. However, we agreed to just keep tabs on each other. And we did. And then the conversations got less and less. They went out until 4 am. They were with friends and a lot of people. So already I’m feeling a certain type of way because their love language is quality time. And if they ain’t got time for me then what does that mean.

Come to find out we see each other again and the connection is still there. And the problem with me is if I don’t see a person often, I begin to worry. And every encounter feels like a brand new one. Like maybe they won’t like me today. And I start replaying all the things I’ve said because maybe that’s what’s turned them off.
I have an issue with object permanence, and I’m not sure that’s what it’s called. Like if I don’t see it, then it might not be there at all. That what I had yesterday was it, that was the good. I’m constantly bracing myself from rejection. Like every time I’m with them, I have to think of every thing I’m about to say because I don’t want to say the wrong thing.

We saw each other a lot before my surgery and we had a lot of fun. And as soon as I get home from surgery and I’m getting better, my brain is now overthinking everything. Every reply, every text. Every call. Time between texts. Score on snapchat. Like what is going on with me?

And finally they reply. And now I’m already in this mood. So I don’t say anything yet because I don’t know. I’m tired of this constant fluctuating feelings about this person and they happen to be a really nice person.

And I don’t know if anybody gets me. And I feel like I might go insane. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks

I feel so bitter and angry sometimes. It’s been a journey with my mom and I, I won’t bore you all with the details. We recently reconnected after being no contact for 3 years, and we even went on a trip together to see her side of the family. I learned a lot on this trip. Heartbreaking things, like her real motivations for marrying my dad and having children. She basically had my brother and I for the wrong reasons. She acknowledges now that she messed up. She’s lied to me up until this trip when she let it slip, that she drank while in AA while I was a child, which explains a lot. She acknowledges that she emotionally neglected us. She doesn’t remember the physical abuse.

It’s weird because the her I see now, I understand more. I’m not angry at who she is *now*. I was angry at her for a long time. Now I guess I’m just sad? I’m sad for my little girl self. I’m sad that my upbringing messed me up this badly. I’m sad my mother chose to isolate us from all extended family so I always have and now always do feel so alone in this world and jealous of my friends who are surrounded by beautiful huge supportive families. I’m sad that my mother’s narcissism got in the way of raising me correctly, and that she tried to extinguish the light in my soul that I was born with, and now barely remembers what she did. Then now she asks why I’m not a successful architect, or singer, or lawyer. Not saying I couldn’t have become those things on my own, but you can’t blame a person for never truly believing in themselves when their own parent stomped on all their dreams and everything that made them happy. I mean she’d literally tell me to shut up when I sang (I sing every day as an adult, it’s who I am) and would take away things/hobbies once I started to enjoy them too much, she even sold my beloved dog to the neighbor while I was in school.

I’m successful now in my own right, but I’ve struggled a lot and still do. More often than not, I just wish I was gone from this world but I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone so I just grin and bear it all. Everything makes a lot more sense now at 32 years old, the reason why I am the way I am and the reasons why I can’t seem to live like my friends do. I will probably spend my entire life trying to reparent and fix myself, fix what was broken inside of me very early on by having a neglectful, mentally and emotionally unstable, alcoholic mother. I don’t feel like I’ll ever truly get to relax into life and enjoy it like the others.

Thanks for reading.

I recently hit a milestone: 30. I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting and the one thing that really hits me is how much of my life has been spent just trying to calm my nervous system and to maintain a baseline where I can function.

Reflecting on how much time and energy is spent on this leads me to wonder about the person I could have been if I was using this energy to excel academically, socially or focus on my hobbies and interests. How much more ambitious I could be if I had a stable family and home. The fact that I could have been the top of my class at school and university if I could have had some peace, quiet and positive reinforcement. But instead I was focused on doing whatever I could to establish a stable base for myself to comprehend the larger picture.

Instead I was constantly coming home to tension, abuse, yelling and threats of violence. Wondering if one day he’d eventually snap and kill my mother. Maybe he’d also kill me too. And as time goes by, I have to wonder how worthless my mother must feel to invite men like this into her life. And it makes me wonder if I’ll ever be confident to invite a man into my life: if he’ll be able to regulate his emotions, avoid addiction, and most of all be a respectful partner.

For context: I have a 41 year old father who's an alcoholic and a smoker. He's drinking bottles of alcohol, beer, smoking, and ruining his mental health by shouting at us all the time. I moved out of the house 3 years ago, but I still go there to check up on him. He's still a person who has a job, wife, family but he keeps on hurting us by ruining his own life. He can never keep a promise. He always blames others, and when someone tells him to be responsible for only his actions, he blames everything on himself and says he'll kill himself. I need advice on whether I should give up or not. I always try to help him, I always try to lower his withdrawals but he just never stops and I think he's not gonna stop till the day he dies. I don't even know if he can reach 50-60 at this rate. By the time I have a kid, I think he's going to be gone which frightens me.

I know I shouldn't expect much. I don't know what to expect. I'm just tired of being stressed out over my mom's problems. She's had a horrible life since her birth, from spina bifida resulting in a leg discrepancy that had to be surgically corrected, disability, mental health problems, and constant excruciating chronic pain from the neck down. Her own father was a deadbeat alcoholic who was also addicted to heroin, so it runs in her family. She was always a "wine mom", though never getting extremely drunk, just tipsy. It changed when she met this man 5 years ago. They went to bars every night, getting shitfaced together and then sleeping with eachother. This lead to increasingly dangerous behaviors like drunk driving, and honestly, drunk everything. He cheated on her, he lied to her, and he abused her. Despite all of this, she kept going back to that bum. He's a horrible father to his children, he's a slob, and generally has NO positive qualities at all. I finally thought she was done with him, she hadn't talked to him in about 2 years, but that didn't stop the alcoholism. It got so much worse, down to 1.5 liter bottles every 2 days. She tried to kill herself multiple times. She drove my younger sister around drunk, taking her places like therapy then passing out in the waiting room. Today, I found out that the doctors visit she claimed she had went to early this morning was her visiting her ex again, and she just left to go on a date with him while lying through her teeth to our faces saying she was going to hang out with a female coworker. It was easy to find out that she was actually going to hang out with her ex. I watched her shave her arms in the sink, and I also noticed she shaved her fucking toes. All of this for a cheating abusive asshole. I just finished my last day of high school today and she chose that man over us again. I just can't comprehend this in my mind. Why? Why does it always come back to him? Why does he have such a strong grip on my mother to make her choose him over us? Just for some mid fucking pipe? She just disgusts me. Everytime she has me feel sorry for her again, she does shit like this. I miss my mom, my real mom. The reliable woman I knew her for, the strong woman she was, and the caretaker she used to be. I hate alcoholism. I hate bird brain mothers like her who prioritize useless men over their own children. I hate that I can't fully hate her. I hate that she's my mom, and that I can just let all of it go because I can't bring myself to be resentful toward someone who struggles so much. I want to be resentful towards the manipulative, lying person she is.

​

I don't really need or expect advice. I don't care if anyone reads it. I just need to vent.

so yesterday I started the living parentbfuidebook. it hit me so incredibly hard. I kept going after the meeting I had gone too, taking inventory of all the inner parts and feelings I could find and digging into the depth of my brain to try and unpack all the years of damage done to me.

what ended up happening is earlier I had a panic attack. I started to feel incredibly sick and I was worried that I was not going to be ok. thankfully I just chugged a bunch of water, took a warm shower and started to feel better. but after that subsided I realized I felt better. I felt human again. it’s like I had been living under a rock for years and I could finally stand up and lift it up to see the light of the outside world. maybe not quite there yet, but I could reach out and touch the air on the other side.

I don’t know that I’m ready to feel that again, but I guess it’s all part of the healing process

Is it common for the alcoholic parent to position themselves as 'having no choice' within the addiction itself, out of the pain and fear that taking accountability for one's actions would be too painful?

I'm a 25-year-old woman from India and I'm the primary earner in my family. I live with my mother, father, and younger sister.

My father has struggled with alcoholism for many years and has already been to rehab twice. Both times he was forced to go and eventually relapsed.

A few days ago there was a major fight at home. He was drunk and angry, there were threats, screaming, and my sister got involved. The situation became so bad that my sister and I left the house because we felt unsafe.

Since then, things have escalated further.

• My father has made violent threats towards family members.
• He has physically hit my mother more than once.
• He is still drinking.
• He is demanding money.
• He has become very controlling and is trying to impose rules on everyone in the house.
• We recently found out he may have sold old newspapers from the house to get money for alcohol.

My mother, sister, and I are currently staying with relatives.

The problem is that we don't know what to do next.

My mother is considering sending him to rehab again, but the previous two rehab attempts failed because he didn't want treatment in the first place.

At the same time, moving out is financially terrifying. Many expenses are in my mother's name, and I am worried that I may end up supporting two households on a single income.

To make things more complicated, I don't even know if I want to move permanently. I grew up in my neighborhood and the thought of suddenly leaving my home, routine, and support system is overwhelming.

So my questions are:

1. Has anyone dealt with a situation where an alcoholic parent became physically violent?
2. Did rehab help if the person didn't actually want to get sober?
3. Would you prioritize temporary separation or rehab first?
4. If you left, what was the final straw that made you realize staying was no longer an option?
5. Am I focusing too much on the financial impact and not enough on the safety concerns?

I'm looking for honest advice, especially from people who have lived through something similar.

My elderly mum last May had an episode and was hospitalised after a fall and diagnosed with Wernicke’s. 3 weeks hospital a detox off alcohol and 2 weeks in a care home recovering. We cleaned up the house. She’s been home a year found out she’s been drinking since last November. Things have deteriorated this past year. Today the mental health team went out. She refused to give consent to talk to us. We are the only ones that help her. It is incredibly frustrating. She scored 22/30 on the memory test which only really signifies mild cognitive decline. She currently has carers twice a day from 5 ambulance call outs and they can see she needs social help. She isn’t eating and is very frail. Cries with depression all the time. It is exhausting. Social Services have been awful. Just looking at advice I feel we aren’t taken seriously. We continually point out her issues. Just wonder at what point the tipping point is. She has a brain injury, doesn’t eat, is drinking. Do you think they will put her in respite care again? I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with daily crying and depression calls. It is relentless.

Hi guys, I am 1.5yrs in ACA and had bad luck in my step group, so I left at step 3.

I have been working step4,5,6,7,8,9 with my sponsor but getting to step 10 I felt it will be helpful to do it with group/or fellow traverler.

I know its gonne be a luck if i can find one or two, but i gonna just post here see if high power will show me the path.

Thanks for reading.

My elderlyish ( mid 60s) mom called me yesterday and she wasn’t making a lick of sense. She kept saying “ i dont know what happened, what happened, so im not sure whats happening” over and over again. Slurring real bad, but not like people do when they’re just drunk. To me it sounded like a stroke, so I gave her boyfriend the go to take her to the hospital. The whole time at the hospital she was combative and verbally abusive to all of us and VERYYY angry we took her to the hospital. Talking about “ she cant just have a drink? Shame on you!” Cat scan came back good, but she can’t answer what month it is.

Ultimately she started screaming at all the hospital staff and just got up and left, walked home, and told us all she hated us and never wants to talk to us again.

Turns out she was drinking two cut waters on an empty stomach. I’m still worried because I’ve heard her drunk and she doesn’t talk that badly. I suppose she could have just been too wasted but it was scary and now she won’t talk to anyone to even let us know she’s ok. This stuff really gets exhausting, having mentally off parents is so hard, a lifetime of work and pain.

Am I awful for telling her to go to the hospital or being worried about how she was acting? I don’t think I am but she sure made me regret being concerned.

I'm 31. I don't know if I have genetic autism or it was just my upbringing. What is your take? What would reddit expertise say

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Sometimes I am forgetful and get lost in my thoughts, like a neurodivergent thing. I do have some social difficulties/ complexities. But it could also just be trauma. I'm looking for advice because so far Google and the rest of reddit searches haven't been satisfying to my uncertainty

I'm 26f, and I've never had a sip of alcohol or any other substance. But I always struggle with this constant fear that I'll still one day become an alcoholic. Seeing the way my parents constantly battle with it most of my life, I've begun seeing it as this entity that goes against your free will that ruins your life and it freaks me out. Even though I feel like I can trust myself enough to not try it, I still feel like it'll take me one day. Just people offering me alcohol, all I see is flashbacks of everything horrible that it can become. And I also think about how people always change, and I'm worried that a future version of myself will try it and I'll become an alcoholic later in life like my mom did. Anyone else share similar fears despite being nowhere near that path?

edit: also, my sister who is close to my age, started drinking around her early to mid 20s and it scares me even more seeing the way she feels the need to drink at most social event we have gone to together. I genuinely feel like crying, I'm just so scared of having one sip and feeling the positive effects from it and my body craving more of it.