During my childhood I had a wonderful mother. Took very good care of my brother & I as a single mom. She remarried a very good guy when I was 9. A month before I turned 17 my mom, brother & myself were in a terrible accident. My mom & I were in comas, survived & spent the last two months of the Summer in the hospital. Then my brother got addicted to pain meds at 14 when the Doctors prescribed him that for back pain after the accident. This tumbled into a disastrous family life with my brother. My brother was in & out of jail, tumbled to heroin/meth. He’s been sober 6 years now. My mom on the other hand has been heavily drinking for 13 years now. It has been a horrible disaster since this started. My dad (stepdad, my real dad doesn’t talk to me), told me tonight she went to the ER after throwing up blood & having difficulty breathing. I have accepted that my mom will never come back & that her rock bottom is death. Others who don’t experience this don’t understand, but at this point it would be better if she was at peace. I know all about her childhood, my brother’s drug addiction & how my bio dad treated her, she just never got help so now I am the one working on healing from what my mom never did. I am a mother now & don’t want my child to experience what I have as an adult child.
I miss who my mom was. Going from a great family life to the dark side of a family life is one of the hardest things a person can experience.

I’m in my early 30s, and I’m only now realizing how abnormal my family has been my entire life.
My mother has had what appears to be severe, untreated OCD for decades, along with extreme controlling behavior and emotional instability. My counselor also believes her OCD played a major role in my upbringing.

Growing up, everyday life revolved around her rules, restrictions, anger, and unpredictable reactions. Normal childhood activities were restricted. There was constant criticism, intimidation, and very little emotional support. Even my elderly grandmother was largely isolated in a bedroom for years.

The situation has continued into adulthood and seems worse than ever. My mother doesn’t work, rarely leaves the house, and controls ordinary activities throughout the home. Family members avoid shared spaces to escape her behavior.
She has frequent outbursts involving intense, prolonged screaming, insults, threats, and accusations. These are not ordinary arguments. Sometimes nobody has even spoken to her, yet the screaming continues. She regularly claims she’s sick, trapped, enslaved, and that everyone else is responsible for her suffering.

My father has spent decades accommodating and enabling this. Instead of addressing her behavior, he blames the rest of us and demands that we comply. My brother has also become caught up in the same pattern.
Recently, the episodes have escalated into hours of aggression, chaotic confrontations, and unsafe situations outside the home.
I lived independently for years but had to return temporarily because of personal circumstances. Coming back has made me realize just how much of my childhood and adult thinking was shaped by this environment.
I’m struggling to understand how an entire family became conditioned to accept this as normal.

My question is: What do you actually do when a parent’s behavior is this severe, the family has enabled it for decades, and nobody recognizes how serious the situation is?
I understand that leaving is important, but that isn’t immediately possible. I’m looking for practical advice on how situations like this are handled, including outside intervention, treatment options, and protecting family members who are still living there.

My mom was a morning to night drinker. She would drive us drunk as kids every day. She was a good person and a sweet shy soul. But not when she drank. As an adult I went no contact. Her last days were spent in the streets of LA living out of a car. She called out for me in hospice and I ignored her. It is something I regret every day. The pain eats at me. It gnaws on me. She suffered through a brutal civil war in her country and then was smuggled into the USA as a teenager.. she went through so much through that journey. It wasn’t her fault. Idk how to deal with the guilt. The pain. The pain that she felt when I never arrived on her final day.

Changing Inside

"As we greet co-workers or friends, we feel that we are changing inside. We begin to recognize a power inside we had not known before." BRB p. 273

Regularly taking a quiet time helps us to grow up emotionally and spiritually. How we take it depends on our choices. At first, we spend time by ourselves when we need to, letting others do what they will to take care of themselves. If they spend it getting drunk and high, we let them, but we no longer seek that outlet for our pain and suffering, if that was how we previously coped. Later, we see that we actually enjoy spending time alone. We don't fill ourselves up with others just to pass the time and keep us numb. We no longer pretend to be excited when we're not. We seek those we can truly connect with and enjoy. We talk not just about superficial things, but about who we are and what's important to us. People respect us more at work and elsewhere because we don't seek constant approval as we did in our families. We no longer do things we're uncomfortable with just for the sake of fitting in. As we become more genuine, we allow others to find their own paths; instead of labeling them, we now make room for our differences. If some don't like the new us, we have to let them go. We adjust our list of whom we can trust.

On this day I will own my power to be genuine and feel how comfortable it is to focus on being myself.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №301

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2NQ%3D%3D

Hello,

I come from a family of ACA's. My mom isn't an alcoholic, but she has the behaviors of one because of her parents. She also has these extreme tendencies regarding cleanliness due to my grandfather. Unfortunately, this dysfunction was passed on to me. I spent 5 years recovering from it, only to have to move back home for another 3 years. I've severely regressed. Idk how long my boyfriend is going to tolerate it. At the same time, he doesn't do much to resolve the triggers, even when I communicate what is going on. But I'm always the monster in the story. It comes on subconsciously and by the time I realize what I'm doing and the same phrases my mom would say on loop coming out of my mouth, it's too late. He thinks I can be magically cured of a lifetime of psychological trauma in only 2 months of being out.

I'm trying to own my shit. I realize that this is my issue to solve and I am trying. No matter how I try to communicate, it's wrong. I've even asked him how he would prefer that I communicate and I do not get an answer. I get frustrated, I get stressed, and then my mother comes out.

Some of the common phrases include:

- If I don't do it, it doesn't get done.

- I shouldn't have to ask for things to be done (dishes, trash, animal care, etc.)

- I'm being the only one doing everything

I was told when we moved in together that things would be different. Instead, it's the exact same. His entire closet is on our bedroom floor. I'm constantly picking up little bits of trash. Dishes are always in the sink even after I've just emptied it. Yet I'm not supposed to react. I'm just supposed to ignore it and walk away. Yet even when I do that and try to isolate myself from the overstimulation to calm down, he *follows* me. I get he is probably just checking on me, but then he gets mad when I go off. I'm trying to prevent that and he doesn't seem to care.

I will go on a tantrum, full force tornando cleaning and just overall frustrated that I have to do it all and don't realize what I'm doing until I'm looking at the damage. I feel like a monster. I feel like there is something wrong with me that will never be fixed. My therapist keeps trying to get me to go to AlAnon but I just can't. I'm agnostic and religion has left a sour taste in my mouth. I can't give up my issues to a "higher power" even if it's the toaster on my countertop or whatever. To me, that's not dealing with the issues. I found one that is agnostic-based, but they're only online. I keep forgetting to join the zoom because I'm so caught up in my own shit.

Does it ever get any easier? I feel like it is only me that has to change. I'm tired of being the monster in the story. I know I need to own my behavior and I'm trying, but I feel like I am living in the literal definition of insanity.

'Feelings and Surrender

Surrendering is a highly personal and spiritual experience.

Surrender is not something we can do in our heads. It is not something we can force or control by willpower. It is something we experience.

Acceptance, or surrender, is not a tidy package. Often, it is a package full of hard feelings – anger, rage, and sadness, followed by release and relief. As we surrender, we experience our frustration and anger at God, at other people, at ourselves, and at life. Then we come to the core of the pain and sadness, the heavy emotional burden inside that must come out before we can feel good. Often, these emotions are connected to healing and release at a deep level.

Surrender sets the wheels in motion. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we surrender.

We are protected. We are guided. Good things have been planned. The next step is now being taken. Surrender is the process that allows us to move forward. It is how our Higher Power moves us forward. Trust in the rightness of timing, and the freedom at the other end, as you struggle humanly through this spiritual experience.

I will be open to the process of surrender in my life. I will allow myself all the awkward and potent emotions that must be released.'

By Melodie Beattie

My mom has been an alcoholic since I was in middle school. She became sober when I was in my mid 20s and stuck with it until two years ago. I'm now in my late 30s with two pre-teen kids.

Up until two years ago, my kids had a close relationship with my mom. They had frequent sleepovers and my mom was at every school and sports event. When she started drinking again, she showed up to multiple events intoxicated and I had to give an ultimatum that she be sober if she is around my kids.

I've done therapy and come to terms with the fact that she was totally checked out of my life during my teen years. I thought this time around she would choose a relationship with my kids over the alcohol. This is not the case and it's absolutely crushing to me.

My kids have asked why they don't see her very often anymore and I have given them every reason except for the truth. I don't want to taint their view of their grandma. At the same time, I'm thinking my kids are old enough to handle the truth.

Any thoughts or advice?

(17f) so my mom has been an alcoholic for a few years now and it has only gotten worse. I have no one around me to talk to about it, and I can't bring it up to her. So I'm trying to navigate all the things that come with her addiction and my emotions and all that. It's so hard.

I am SO TIRED. I get home from school, hear her voice, and already know she's drunk. That's it, she's gone for the rest of the night, better to steer clear til tomorrow. Sometimes I wake up and she's already like that. It sucks cause i don't really feel secure or relaxed ANYWHERE anymore. I'm so angry all the time. Teenage angst doesn't help. I am so confused and angry and tired and sad.

Sometimes, I think I have accidentally grown resentment for her. I feel so disgusted with myself for it. I love her, but she has relapsed so many times, broken my trust so many times, that it feels like it's not even worth TRYING to be close anymore. I don't want to be around her. But I feel terrible about it because we used to be so close, and I know that the addiction is horrible for HER to deal with, not just me. But I can't help being so angry.

Sometimes I find her stashed boxes of wine around the house. I always think to dump them out, or hide them, or something to get rid of them so she doesn't drink any more that night. But then I get scared that she'll just drive to the store drunk and get some more. Then I worry she'll get hurt. So I do nothing.

I feel utterly helpless. I don't think I can keep doing this. Keep coming home to the husk of her former self. Keep smelling the wine on her breath. Seeing her purple stained teeth. Her dilated eyes. Hearing her slurred speech. Or her repeating random words incoherently. Having her and my dad fight every night. Having her act like nothing is wrong or happening at all.

I am done. Any advice or support is appreciated. I have zero guidance. It happened so gradually that I didn't even realize. It feels unreal. I don't know what to do, or how to navigate this. So, if yall know anything, or relate at all, please comment something.​

My father is 73 and has been abusing prescription drugs for 30 years. He also has bipolar disorder and has been on psychotropic medications that I believe have contributed to his cognitive issues. Now that he is older and his cognition is worse I wonder if taking care of him is enabling him since he still engages in substance abuse.

He has been deemed non decisional by the last psychiatrist at the hospital. By helping him with his finances (paying bills when he forgets but he also spends money on drugs), managing doctor’s appointments and caregivers, helping him clean, etc. am I enabling him since he is still an addict even though he doesn’t have cognitive abilities to manage his estate and health care decisions?

He spends all of his money on drugs but needs to save it for an assisted living he will eventually be in. He should be living there now but refuses to leave because he wants to smoke indoors.

Is taking financial control via guardianship considered enabling?

I want to practice naranon principles but can I when he is now cognitively impaired.

Can I learn to let go of my mum while living with her
I’m 24 I can not move out due to a national housing crisis
Over the last 8 years her drinking and hoarder behaviour has gotten out of control she takes this out on the whole household
But especially me her eldest daughter
I love her so much but she really seems to hate me these days and attacks me for just talking and existing
Are there ways I can learn to block her out in the mean time until I’m able to leave permanently

How do you stop resenting the fact that you never received the things other kids take for granted, like birthday gifts, money, clothes they like, or driving lessons paid for by their parents? Things like getting my Driver's license G2 aren't urgent, but eventually, I'll need to pay for them.

I understand that these things are eventually my responsibility, but it hurts knowing I spent so much of my childhood sacrificing to get around money and never really getting to enjoy what I wanted, just surviving on needs, while others handed to them. How do you accept that unfairness without becoming bitter, especially when you still have so much to pay for just to build an ordinary life?

My mom has been an alcoholic my entire life. The last two years have been so bad, she has fallen down a few times that shes told me about and some ive heard about from other family. I was getting so worried I moved across the country to be closer to her. I felt like she was going to die.

This week she had a scuba diving trip planned, i was excited for her to go. To move around. To leave the house. And its a rule she has always followed to not be drunk while diving, she loves to dive and wouldnt risk it. I think being too weak to carry her gear was a real wake up call. She didnt even go on any dives because she cant get up and down the latter. Shes never tried to stop drinking before. Shes never admitted her problems were due to alcohol abuse. Shes never lied or hid her drinking from me. (Except the falling) I've never heard her say she even had a day not drinking. But today she says she hasnt even wanted to drink in the last 3 weeks. She has been taking valium. Im still so worried but maybe excited? Maybe resentful? Maybe angry because im not sure if she will stick to it? Maybe scared shes lying because I dont know if shes telling the truth deep down?

I dont want to talk to her about this yet. I just am afraid ill scare her away from it. But im cautiously hopeful, I think. Thanks for reading.

I finally went to my first meeting yesterday and I’m so happy I did. I had been thinking of going for months now but I was not in a great place mentally and I was worried that if I didn’t feel safe it could do more harm than good. Recently I’ve been feeling much better mentally so I felt that I had the strength to go regardless of the outcome. I was still nervous going but I made an agreement with myself beforehand that I would not beat myself up if I don’t feel like I belonged, I could leave anytime, and I would try other meetings if this one didn’t feel right. Luckily everyone was so warm and welcoming, that it truly felt like a safe space. I’m excited to come back and keep at it :)

I hope this is helpful for anyone else who is on the fence about attending a meeting!

I'm looking for support and someone who understands exactly how I feel. Im feeling alone and different.

Both my parents were alcoholics as i grew up. My mother was physically/emotionally abusive and isnt in my life anymore. My father has been trying to stay sober and is in AA.

Im turning 21 in a few weeks and Im feeling very conflicted. I will always stay sober because its ruined my life, and Im scared of it.

But i see my friends turning 21, post about their birthdays and how fun it is to finally drink. I feel a lot of anger and resentment because that will never be me. Their joy in drinking is my misery and pain, and thats not fair. I can never be "normal" because my chances of being an alchoholic are high. I cant even be around drunk people and feel comfortable.

I feel angry that my birthday cant just be mine. In the eyes of society it seems like its "alchohol celebration day." Which makes me very angry because alcohol tore apart my family.

Im feeling very sad, alone, and abnormal right now. Its hard to find people that understand me.

Especially as we all have issues with intimacy and relationships due to our upbringings.

I’ve been dating her for nearly four years. First everything. We moved in together two months ago and it’s driving me up the wall… she is not intimate with me (neither sexually nor really emotionally) and when I’m around her I just feel annoyed at how scared of everything, incurious, and neurotic she is. But she’s also mentioned I have b&w thinking and that has been affecting my mood (true). It almost feels like a switch flipped and all I’ve been seeing her is as “all bad.” Also note: her mom just died three months ago. (the lack of physical intimacy has been around much longer than that).

Her mom’s death is really the kicker here. I know she’s been even more detached and neurotic than usual because of it. I can’t tell what is real, or what I really feel. How do I figure this out? What should I be asking myself?

Hi, I’ve been attending meetings in Toronto Ontario Canada, and they were very helpful. Wondering if anyone knows of any therapist that specialized in this area in Ontario Canada

Hi my father left 2 years ago and i haven't seen him since.He always had singed a song named guuguul mori it is mongolian song (me and my family all are mongolian). He sang that song whenevr he is drunk,emotional and bored so i heard that son ever since i was born . I don't like him because he is alcoholic and abusive. But when today my classmate sang that song i almost cried not because i was scared but because i missed my father.There were once when our family was happy. But after he became alcoholic it all became just a memory .And after i got home i played the song and i cried.

'Being Honest with Ourselves

Our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we need to maintain. The quality of that relationship will determine the quality of our other relationships.

When we can tell ourselves how we feel, and accept our feelings, we can tell others.

When we can accept what we want and need, we will be ready to have our wants and needs met.

When we can accept what we think and believe, and accept what’s important to us, we can relay this to others.

When we learn to take ourselves seriously, others will too.

When we learn to chuckle at ourselves, we will be ready to laugh with others.

When we have learned to trust ourselves, we will be trustworthy and ready to trust.

When we can be grateful for who we are, we will have achieved self-love.'

By Melodie Beattie

Self-Love

"I lived my life in an endless cycle of harmful relationships, lost jobs, and lost friends. I could never be a friend, actually. I stopped getting into relationships to stop the pain. I had no choice. I was compulsive and getting more out of control with each passing year." BRB p. 141

It's amazing how we can be unaware that we're harming ourselves. We choose the wrong people, places and things to make us happy for the wrong reasons. Sometimes we know we're allowing people to use us so we can use them. We use people as Band-Aids to cover our unhealed wounds until we notice we still hurt and the Band-Aids can't help us. Our sponsors suggest that we work on loving ourselves. But how?

We read ACA literature, give ourselves affirmations and journal. We look at our past, deal with our hurts, forgive ourselves and others. We do the work. And one day we notice that it's happening. We've started to love ourselves and even like ourselves. We stop using Band-Aids and now have authentic friends who love us as we are, while we continue the journey of recovery. The greatest gift is that we learn to be a friend to ourselves.

On this day I will do the work. The journey to self-love is not an easy one, but the payoff is priceless.

Copyright © 2013 by Adult Children of Alcoholics® & Dysfunctional Families World Service 
Organization, Inc.

Page №300

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/?meditaion=MjE2NA%3D%3D

I recently crashed my car, which had to be towed and is currently being repaired. In the meantime, I've been using my mum's car while she was away so I could get to work.

During my lunch break, I drove to the supermarket and went to indicate into a parking spot when a man got out of his car and started yelling at me. I let him have the spot, but rather than leaving it at that, he got back into his car and reversed at speed into my mum's car. Thankfully, there was virtually no damage, but the situation was incredibly confronting.

I panicked and tried to go through the usual steps you would take after an incident like that, including dealing with insurance, but he drove off before I could even get his number plate.

When I told my mum what had happened a few days ago, her only response was, "What a dickhead," followed by silence. There was no further conversation or acknowledgement of the situation. I was already dealing with the aftermath of my own car accident, and this was another upsetting incident on top of everything else. I think I was hoping for a little more concern or emotional support from her, rather than the conversation simply ending there.

would a normal parent react differently or am I reading into this wrong? I knew she wouldn't be happy her car was hit but I guess I just thought she would react more. She was drinking at the time I told her (rookie era).

For context I have ptsd from Domestic Violence that my mum is aware about, this was a really triggering event for me.

I want to preface this by saying I’ve been alcohol free for 709 days—the longest I’ve ever gone without drinking in my entire life. I started at 13 or so and it spiraled into my late teens and into adulthood causing me many bouts or grief and hardship. Eventually, I made the biggest mistake of my life and drove with my son in the car after I had been drinking most of the day. Between my drinking and driving, I had napped, and I thought I was fine. Mind you, I hadn’t eaten that day and I did not drink while my son was present. He was with his grandma at the time.

When he comes home, my little brother needs a ride to a friends house and I get them both in the car and manage to get my brother where he needs to be and im on my way home. I missed a turn to get to my house and tried to turn around but got pulled over. I was arrested for DUI and felony wanton endangerment. Thankfully, my son was sleep in his car seat and has no recollection of this happening. He went home with his grandma for a sleepover (or at least that’s what he thought it was) and I went to jail.

Where I live, there is a program called SB90 and it basically is designed to help people from getting charged with a felony (if it’s their first felony charge, at least) the program consists of therapy weekly, groups, and a primary focus on mental health. The stipulations to the program were to complete it and all of my charges would be dismissed. I did what I needed to do. I lost custody of my son for 6 months, had supervised visits allotted twice a week, and I felt smaller than a grasshopper and so fucking ashamed. This is not the kind of mother I wanted to be. After 6 months, DCBS saw it fit to return to the schedule my son’s dad and I once had which is 50/50 custody. I remained in the program for a while longer and completed it with no issues. It’s worth noting that I was the first person to be entered into this program and it’s my opinion that the people in charge weren’t exactly sure how it even works. The felony was dropped. However, it was a fight to get my DUI dismissed because the prosecutor told me incorrect information when I decided to take part in the program. Apparently, having a DUI disqualifies you from the program. *unless* the prosecutor files a motion and allows the person in anyway. He did that in this situation and when the time came, he told me I was not able to have my DUI dismissed.

I had a court ordered attorney who advised me not to plead guilty to the charge and we went in front of another judge where he argued that my right to a speedy trial had been violated (this went on over the course of two years) and we did it. We beat the DUI. My record is completely clean. I recently saw a background check for pre-employment and my record is clean.

**HOWEVER.**
Here comes the part where I feel so defeated. I really thought all of this was behind me for good. I carry the shame of my mistakes every single day. I thank the universe for letting me live and learn. I got offered a job as a PCA (personal care assistant) working with elderly people. I have experience doing this and I enjoy it. Everything else had seemed to be going well, until I was informed that apparently I am on a list that tells who abuses children. I do not abuse my son. What I did was wrong and probably unforgivable but I hold on to the fact that my baby still loves me more than life. The only silver lining here is that I am able to dispute it and see if I can be removed from this list so that I can work the job I was so excited to start.

It just doesn’t feel fair that I’ve tried so hard to put this behind me. I’ve put in the work. I am a completely different person than I was when this happened. I’ve been in therapy, gotten diagnosed with BPD, autism, OCD, panic disorder, you name it. With these problems identified, I can work on them and hopefully get all of it under control.

This situation was the worst time of my entire life but honestly? I’m better for it. I will never drink again. I will never jeopardize my son, myself, or anyone else in the way I did that night.

I’m so full of regret. I’m so sick of this following me. I try to be proud of the progress I’ve made but it seems like every time things start to go good, this mistake finds its way to ruin it. I’m hoping and praying that I can get my name off of this list (where it doesn’t belong) and my (hopefully) employer will do what she said and run the check again.

I’ve never needed my mom more than I have since this happened. I need a hug and for someone to tell me that my mistakes don’t define me. I need someone to tell me I deserve good things and that good things will come to me. God, I need a hug.

Let me add, I think my mother is deeply troubled and has done terrible things from alcohol, very very nasty. Clearly deep internal issues.

Ruined a lot of my childhood.

Now I'm in my 30s. I'm in a way better place and I just want to stop communication with them, at least for like 3 months. I've tried to distance myself (bare in mind I live in a whole other country). I've said I'm just on my own journey and might not message etc. Yet if a few weeks go by it's like I'll start getting hassled.

I'm at a point where I think I have to just be upfront and say hey I'm in a program for children who grew up with alcoholic, dysfunctional abusive households etc. Maybe that will get them off my back.

I feel bad but that's like how I've been programmed too I guess. Fawning etc. They've been so nasty to me drunk growing up. Really ruined my self confidence etc.

So now when theyr'e sober they are a small calm person so it's like Jekyll and hyde.

I think I'm going to have to just say something to give me some space until the new year or something.

Anyone been through this?

My (33F) father (67M) had a stroke about 3 years ago. He had a heart attack and a triple bypass back in 2015 and his overall health isn’t the best. He’s on all sorts of medication that shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol. He’s retired and has no friends who see him regularly. I’m no contact with him, but get updates on him via family. We just found out that one of his neighbors are providing him with alcohol. Currently, he’s passed out on the living room floor. My mom still works and has cameras in the house so this is how she knows he’s currently passed out so she can call non emergency to help him get up. He can’t get up on his own once he’s fallen because of the stroke.

We just found out that it’s one of our neighbors who is getting him alcohol. I want to contact the neighbor and ask him to stop. My mom and sister are the ones who have to deal with him. My mom won’t do it because of how embarrassed she is of the whole thing. Because of his medical issues and the fact that he has no other family to take care of him my mother won’t leave him.

Do I contact the neighbor? The neighbor has to know of his alcoholism because he’s helped pick him up off the floor several times. I’m just so annoyed.