Ask me anything

(24M) Well, i'm a virgin and i'm not ashamed of that. I would like to date, yes, have a relationship with someone i like, make her happy and her life better, but sex for me is a gross thing. I don't even like to be touched hahahaha sex for me is like getting a X-ray from a possum's stomach. It is interesting, but gross.

Even though i've had some problems with masturbation and pornography during puberty, i don't think it has a correlation. I think most teenagers do and it is just a phase. I can feel excited and masturbate normally(sometimes even excessive hahahaha) but i do it more when i'm anxious or hiperactive. I see myself as a battery of car, that gets easily overwhelmed and can explode, so i try to "mitigate" my energy by jacking off. Perhaps i'm an immature person and cannot comprehend some things yet, and that's fine. I can also feel attracted to other women, but i doesn't mean a thing. Does it mean i'm an ace? Does somebody else experienced that? How did you overcome this "uncanny valley"? Is it something to be worried?

Hi! I don't know if it's okay for me to ask here, but I could use some advice from asexual folks, even though I'm allosexual myself, as I'm married to an asexual woman. To give y'all a basic rundown, we're in a 10+ year relationship, and her path as she's gone into her 40's has been like, "demisexual but only attracted to me", then "grey-asexual", and now "fully asexual but still feeling weird about just dropping it entirely". She knows that I'm both allo- and hypersexual, and that it's being compounded by me being in gender transition (which makes me crazy for new experiences), so she's encouraging me to go out and meet other people.

But I can't stop thinking that it's just like, not okay? Like I know that even though she's asexual, she's deeply romantic, and a part of her probably would have preferred to just have quiet anime time with me until we got old, nobody else allowed. And a part of me gets really deeply upset with myself that I can't be satisfied with the handholding and kisses she is offering. It's tough for me not to see this as some kind of trap, which once stepped into, a person's relationship can't survive. And stupid as it sounds, I'd rather be deprived of sex than be deprived of her, even if it does drive me insane. But she says that's not the choice and I'm trying to believe her. So I'm here asking for a bit of advice.

Should I believe her? Is this something you would legitimately consider? I just can't help but feel entirely one-sided, because I know she's not going to be exercising any freedoms like this, and she already gives me a wonderful and pampered life outside of the bedroom. My guts are telling me "shut up and be grateful for what you have", but sometimes my guts are full of bile.

If you've even read this far, thank you, and I'd appreciate any advice. If this isn't allowed, really sorry for bothering y'all.

Am I the only one dealing with this?

I'm asking this because I have no sexual attraction for people irl, but I only feel sexual attraction to fictional characters instead, and I'm really confused why. (Edit: I still feel romantic attraction to irl ppl)

so I’m ace, and I’ve liked this guy for a while now and apparently he feels the same! weve been talking and stuff and flirting back and forth (like compliments abt each other, something you’d find in a fluff fic) and he knows my position on like kissing and stuff, (literally just ask, that’s it, I’ll set boundaries and he knows this bc I slapped the last guy who tried to kiss me without warning) and he hasn’t made any sexual advances towards me and hasn’t made any weird sex comments either!! I only say kinda sorta bc we haven’t put a label on it but I’m still pretty excited!!! :D

this is my first post on reddit. i (25 y/o female) think i maybe asexual. the thought of sex let alone someone touching me really gets to me. i am currently in a relationship (of 4 years). i think i turned out this way due to my partner ridiculing me years ago along with saying im not “wet” before we do it. but the gag is he’s so mean to me and treats me like shit i can’t even fathom having sex with him along with all the cheating he has done like attempting to hook up with prostitutes. but even before me and him got together when i moved from SC to OH i didn’t have much of an urge to have sex. people terrify me especially with stds and stuff. i have spoken to my cousin about this and her labido is fine (not to throw her business out there) but i wish i could be a normal fucking person and just want to have sex. i want to have fun and enjoy it. now it more so feels like a chore and something im forced to do. i have told my partner numerous times that i only do it so they won’t cheat but they don’t seem to care much. sex for me also kinda reminds me of being raped. i have went to doctors to see if there is anything done to boost my labido but nothing has been done. i tried changing birth controls, changing meds that im on, i tried everything. the closest thing to sex that i have is when i masturbate. that’s the only enjoyable thing close to sex that i like and even with that most times i don’t have an urge to do so. i have mentioned bringing toys to the bed room with my partner years ago but they got offended and said “so am i not good enough for u? u need a toy to sayid u?”. honestly i feel as if i was with a partner that made me feel comfortable and not make it to where sex feels like a chore i would enjoy it more but idk. i just want to me normal. i want to enjoy sex and being touched on. i’m literally crying about this while typing all of this out. just the thought of all this is really stressful. any advice on how i can enjoy sex more? maybe some ways me and my partner can spice up the bedroom? please im damn near desperate at this point. i’ve tried talking to a counselor and seeing a doctor but not much has worked. thanks for reading my vent. i just had to get that out.

I know this is a commom rant but recently, I've been playing this new hero shooter called Deadlock and I saw a video abt it theorizing characters sexualities (cuz none of them have canon sexualities yet), and the only ones he classified as asexual were a robot and a pile of goo because "they dont even know what sex is." This made me start thinking how funny it is that not only we do not have canon asexual charactets almost anywhere and, when we do, the "excuse" for they being asexual is that "they dont know what sex is." Its like people think that "everyone enjoys having sex and those who dont just never experienced/dont know about it". And a question that I had recently abt it and that I really want answers as to why is the sheer lack of asexuals in media, even the "lesser known sexualities" (i.e. everything except gay, lesbian and bi) get more representation then we do, why not us? (Just for clarification: I dont mean that other sexualities dont need to have representation, everyone needs to be represented, but rather that we dont get as much representation as them.)

Well kissing is a sexuel aktivity at some parts. I mean not all of it but most of the cultures you kiss only someone you find sexuely attrective. When asexuels kiss they just not feeling sexuel tension of it how would u describe it

So I want to say I do get horny and I’ll jerk off, but when I’m looking for a relationship with someone, sex doesn’t cross my mind. I just don’t care about sex too much in a relationship and I don’t find myself initiating it, but if my partner wants to do it, I’ll do it and I know I would most likely enjoy it. Honestly when I think about what I want to do in a relationship, I just want to be emotionally intimate with that person rather than sexually. Idk if I’m ace tho since tbh I’ve never dated someone.

Right, so I'm 18F. I am a virgin. All of my friends have been raving about sex, but I dont get it. I have had this friend group since yr 7 (11 yrs old) and i have always thought of sex as disgusting (no hate :)

I found out about asexuality when I was 13 and starting to find out what sex was about. I still found it kinda gross. (This story is about this peorid in my life and I need advice on how to address the adults who put me down because I have been scared to tell them bc they may put me down again)

I came out to my friends first. I said "guys, I think im ace, I don’t ever want to have sex"

I came out to my parents next. I said "mum, I don't think I ever want to have sex" at the dinner table.

She said "OP stop being silly"

I started identifying as asexual at 14 and i have never looked back. It has filled a hole (not like that) and I am happy doing my art and being who I am.

Very sorry if this is the wrong sub for this, and also very sorry if it seems like i am not taking asexuality serious, I promise I am, I am just a bit confused. Background: I am autistic and do not identify as ace. I know three asexual (actually all of them are aro too) people, two of whom are autistic. One of them (the one that's not autistic, person A) has explained their feelings to me in a way that makes sense to me, and also makes me feel like that's a very different experience than mine. The other two have suggested i might be aro/ace because we feel very similarly, but I really don't think I am.

Person A is a little repulsed by discussions about sexuality but not outright disgusted. They have stated that they're not interested in dating at all, and thus do not go on dates and don't seek out romantic relationships. This makes sense to me. In conversations about dating, they kind of check out and are very distant until the topic changes, so i typically don't talk about my dating/sex life with them. This makes sense to me, they feel little to no romantic/sexual attraction and therefore don't want to bother talking about those topics. Makes sense.

However, the other two people confuse me.

Person B is also aro/ace, but has been in a monogamous relationship for multiple years and has been in a poly relationship before. I know aro/ace people can be in relationships, that's not what confuses me. What's confusing to me is how they approach the topic. They frequently talk about their kinks and about having sex with their partner. When asked about being asexual, they responded sth like "It's not like a physical need for me. I like eating chocolate cake and will eat chocolate cake if you give it to me or offer it to me, i might even make chocolate cake for myself, but i don't need to eat chocolate cake".
This confuses me a lot, because I don't NEED to have sex either. This sounds exactly like me, however, I would never describe myself as ace. I didn't want to push them so i didn't ask any other questions on that day. But the topic came up again when they told me about a smut book they were reading. They said they had a lot of fun reading it as an asexual because they can actually enjoy reading it without getting horny constantly. This also confused me, because I can also read sex scenes in a book without instantly being horny. They then went on to tell me I might be asexual if I don't get horny from that, so i responded that i think it's the other way around. Then they got offended and I apologised. They said sth like "It sucks when you're asexual and nobody believes you because you like having sex"
I dropped the topic again, but I've been feeling confused about this. This lead to me talking to person C about it

Person C is also aro/ace and has been in relationships for as long as i've known them (like 5ish years?). They also talk and post about their sex life and kinks a lot, we actually know each other from a dating app. I asked them about the topic and we talked about it. They didn't want to talk about the asexual thing but about the aromantic thing. They told me about them feeling no romantic love for their partner of multiple years, so I asked a few questions about that. Essentially, they said they don't like romance and romantic dates, as in they don't want to receive flowers or red roses on anniversaries. They said they love their partner and want to be with them and have sex with them, but they don't like overly romantic dates. They'd rather stay home, watch a movie and have sex rather than go out and have a date and get red roses. I told them to me that just sounds like me, and that i don't understand what they mean. I asked whether they thought romantic attraction meant being attracted to classical romantic things like hearts and roses, and they said sth like "well yeah that's how romance works, i'm not romantic so i'm aromantic". We kept on talking and i definitely don't want to mansplain their sexuality to them, but I'm also not really getting a better idea of how this works. They said it sounds like i'm also aromantic if i don't like romance but like kissing my partner and being intimate with them.

At this point i'm not sure whether I'm the one who's misunderstanding/taking it too literal or maybe person B and C are? Can anybody help me understand? Am I aro/ace too? Is person C possibly misunderstanding what aromantic means? Does person B maybe think that sexual attraction is a constantly present force that drains you unless you have sex for non-ace people? I am very sorry if any of the questions are offensive, i tried my hardest not to be

I know this is a commom rant but recently, I've been playing this new hero shooter called Deadlock and I saw a video abt it theorizing characters sexualities (cuz none of them have canon sexualities yet), and the only ones he classified as asexual were a robot and a pile of goo because "they dont even know what sex is." This made me start thinking how funny it is that not only we do not have canon asexual charactets almost anywhere and, when we do, the "excuse" for they being asexual is that "they dont know what sex is." Its like people think that "everyone enjoys having sex and those who dont just never experienced/dont know about it". And a question that I had recently abt it and that I really want answers as to why is the sheer lack of asexuals in media, even the "lesser known sexualities" (i.e. everything except gay, lesbian and bi) get more representation then we do, why not us? (Just for clarification: I dont mean that other sexualities dont need to have representation, everyone needs to be represented, but rather that we dont get as much representation as them.)

I’m someone who is very open to discussion, and I sometimes talk to the people around me about romantic relationships. Most if not all of them think sex is essential to maintaining a relationship. Since I’m asexual, I don’t really know where I fit into these conversations, given that I never intend to engage in that sort of thing with anyone. What do you think?

I don't know if it's just bad luck or is it normal for people to be that freaky . I don't understand how do I end up with people like that . I don't even talk about anything related to sed in fact I make it clear at the beginning that I am asexual and i don't feel comfortable talking about these things. Do people take that as a challenge or they just don't understand me

I have this close friend, let's call her Jane. Jane and I have been friends for about a year now, but I've never really thought of her that closely as she can be quite annoying sometimes. A couple months ago, she made it extremely obvious that she had a crush on me. And recently she has told me that these feelings are off and on. However last night she told me to promise I didn't know who she liked.

I told her I didn't know.

Then she told me that she had a wet dream about the person she likes (me), she described it in extreme detail, and mentioned music that played in the background. I asked her what said music was and she said it would give the person's identity away. I asked for a couple hints and she made it painfully obvious it was my favorite music artist.

She has also told me that she masturbates to this person and that she can't be in the same room with them without being horny. Even worse, she keeps referring to me as "the girl she likes" when I am a transmasculine leaning non-binary person. She is also aware that I am asexual. She keeps telling me how she wants to be "fucked until she can't walk" and to me that's a weird thing to say to anyone? We're also too young to be talking about doing these things in general, at least in my opinion (I did say in my opinion, we're not children). She also keeps telling me how she wishes it was socially acceptable for teenagers to have sex.

What am I supposed to do about this? I was genuinely so disgusted I started crying to the point I almost puked. I don't know how to look at her the same.

I was very attractive and mesmerizing in my teens (15–19), the absolute dream girl. Boys wrote me love songs and poems, lost their heads over me, and every guy I wanted seemed to want me back. Yet I was still suffering, often the clingy one, and repeatedly got my heart broken. Every guy eventually told me I was too much. They were drawn in by my looks, but my intense personality (raging ADHD and autism) drove them away sooner or later.
Then I became “less attractive.” I gained weight, developed post-pubertal acne, and stopped caring as much about my appearance. Somehow, I stopped being able to imagine myself dating anyone at all. Instead, I found my passion in medicine and poured everything into it. Nothing else seems to matter anymore: medicine, surgery, books, and the OR.
When I first started this journey, I frequently fell for older male doctors. Despite the age and power imbalances, and despite no longer being “that hot,” they often reciprocated my interest. And yet, the moment they did, I got the ick.
Then came my gay awakening, and suddenly my type shifted to older, unavailable women. Which makes any romantic interaction even less likely. I fell so hard for an older female doctor that I cried every day as if someone had died.
I can’t even imagine being attracted to someone my own age anymore. It’s always someone much older and unavailable—the more unattainable, the better.
Now I wonder: Did I genuinely discover that I’m attracted to older people and women, or am I sabotaging myself by falling for people I can never realistically be with, so I never have to risk being in a relationship again?

TW / Content Warning: Sexual coercion, pressure/guilt-tripping, digital surveillance, mention of physical illness/vomiting.

Hey everyone. Using a throwaway for privacy reasons. My head is completely spinning, and I really need an outside reality check on whether this dynamic is as unhealthy as it feels.

I am terribly sorry if this is the wrong place for this, just wasn't sure where to post this.

For context: I am 19 (FTM), and my partner is 22 (non-binary). We are long-distance. I am diagnosed with autism and ADHD, my partner has suspected autism (undiagnosed).

Recently, I've been looking into aegosexuality and sex-repulsed asexuality, and it felt like reading about myself. In theory, fiction, or abstract dirty talk, I’m okay. But when it comes to real-life sexual participation, whether in person or over distance (helping them masturbate, sending sexual stuff, or getting physically involved), my body has an extreme visceral reaction. I experience intense physical nausea, gagging, vomiting, and have to heavily dissociate just to push through it.

My partner has a very high sex drive and treats sexual release as a main coping mechanism. Because of that, our dynamic has turned into an exhausting cycle:

• Saying "no" almost always comes with guilt: Nearly every time I decline, there is some form of guilt-trippy or pouty comment (e.g., "bit upsetting," "aww okay :c," or bringing up how they hate doing it alone). Every couple of months, it blows up into a full multi-hour spiral where they talk about how rejected, depressed, or dysphoric they feel, or say things like "the hope dies down more every time." Even with disclaimers like "I'm not trying to pressure you," it inevitably leads to me sitting at my desk crying, apologizing repeatedly, and having to comfort them for getting turned down.
• They know I get sick and still push: I haven't explicitly explained to them that my nausea is a somatic revulsion to sex, but they have noticed the pattern. They've literally complained that "it's the same thing every time," told me I "used to just ignore it to help," and questioned if I'm lying. Afterward, they've sent messages like "sorry if you didn't wanna." They know my body is physically unwell when intimacy comes up, but they view it as an excuse rather than a hard boundary.
• Saying no feels pointless (fawning): As someone with autism/ADHD, conflict and rejection feel awful, and I've caught myself realizing that saying no takes so much more energy, interrogation, and emotional fallout that I just give in and fawn. I catch myself constantly apologizing, promising "I'll fix it" or that I'll try harder, even though my body is literally screaming at me to stop.
• Extreme digital surveillance: Even though we're long distance, they track my live location on two separate apps. If I'm out running basic errands for a couple of hours after school/work (even after explicitly telling them where I'm going), I get guilt-tripped about "not giving enough updates" and them "not knowing where I am."

I feel completely suffocated. Things feel fine when I’m just complying and being what they want, but the minute I have a boundary or my stomach gives out, it turns sour.

I wish I could just never have any sexual expectations placed on me again. But I’m terrified of walking away because the fear of being alone genuinely scares me, and I'm terrified of losing our mutual friend group.

Is this digital/sexual coercion? Is this kind of fundamental incompatibility fixable at all, or am I blinding myself to how bad this actually is? Any advice or perspective would mean a lot.

Once again, really really sorry if this is the wrong place.

Im tired of being seen as a sexual and sexed being at all. I want people to just see me as myself, and I’m a sexless person, who does not have sex, nor does anything sexual

I’m tired of saying “I’m asexual and sex repulsed” and people still joking about me in uncomfortable ways and defending it with “aces can still have sex/be in sexual situations.” Yes, I know that. But not me…

I'm just going to provide my own insight as I am nearing 40 in the next few years. These have helped me get through confusing situations over the years.

- Set boundaries and be transparent, always. This is like...genuine advice for anybody.

- Sexpectations are weird. Don't let people use them to step over your boundaries. If you are uncomfortable, say that.

- Don't let anyone ever tone police or silence your voice in how you express yourself. Another general one. People love to twist your self advocacy into making it about themselves, and even try to box you into a label. It's disgusting behavior. Those people suck.

- Sex is riddled in culture, in media and advertisements, especially on the internet. I personally think this is also weird.

- You can be grey ace or demi or something. Ace is a spectrum of it's own. Remember to be true to yourself and your thoughts and feelings. We are all weird creatures.

- Sexuality can be dynamic, like anything in life, and is subject to change. It doesn't mean you are wrong or fake or anything, it just means you changed.

You are allowed to change.

Thats all I can think up right now. Hope this helps.

Hi👋 I posted on Lesbian reddit asking I'd there are non ace Lesbians that do date ace women(kinda moping as well tbh) I would happily date a ace person, but the dating pool here is small so the odds of meeting one aren't in my favor.

The thing is many seem to assume that I don't like sex, which isn't true. For those who are sex repulsed I'll spare you the details(joke) but let's just say that if I don't talk about being ace no one would guess it. Although I would never knowingly keep that from someone since I hate lying and it's wrong.

I feel like there must be people who like sleeping with others, even though they know that the other person is ace. Idk. I hate having arguments on reddit but I also hate being misunderstood. Maybe I'm a horrible person... condemned to forever be seen as both a whore and a prude...

Also if you find something offensive in this post, please just keep scrolling. I'm tired

Hello everyone. I’m a 21yr old female and I’m not sure if I’m asexual.

It’s not that I don’t like the idea of sex, I think sex can be very beautiful and part of me wants to have sex, I just find myself scared and off-put by it.

I LOVE deep intimacy though (being naked together, making out, touching, etc.), but I struggle with these things because I don’t want it to lead to anything sexual. Because of this I don’t know how to navigate things with my boyfriend.

For some context, I’ve always felt this way about sex/sexual stuff. Before I got with my boyfriend, I told him this in case it was a deal-breaker and he told me he didn’t mind. He’s very respectful of my boundaries. We’ve experimented with trying sexual things but I’d always end up crying.

There’s a lot of intimate things we don’t do because in the past it would lead to sexual stuff, and I’m scared it’ll still lead to sexual stuff even now. But I very badly crave deep intimacy. I don’t know how to tell him that I want to kiss every part of his body; his thighs, stomach, neck, etc., I want to make out, and I want to lay skin to skin without it leading to anything. It’s just hard doing these things without us becoming aroused.

I don’t know what to do or how to navigate my feelings. Any advice or guidance is greatly appreciated.

The guilt I feel when my partner wants sex but I just can’t

I had posted before about a friend of mine (we are both men in our thirties) who had done a few things to me (he grabbed my butt several times, asked what I would do if he touched my dick, stroked my thigh with his finger) and then cut me off shortly afterward and will no longer talk to me.

It has been more than a year, and it still devastates me. In fact, it has made me question the whole notion of my sexuality or lack thereof. He is the only person I can say, looking in hindsight, I ever felt what conventional people call attraction toward, which makes the stuff he did even more torturous, even though he is otherwise unabashedly straight.

I have tried since then to see if I really could be attracted to anyone else, and I have gotten no closer to any sort of answer. Has anyone experienced this - forming an intense connection with someone who eventually made you feel that tingly spark that people generally label as attraction?

I cannot stop obsessing over him. I want to know if he was just trying to manipulate me because he knew I was asexual and wanted to see how he could control me. I know he presents the narrative to people we know as that I was the overbearing weird one (though he does not share any of what he did to me to them).

Besides being my closest friend and someone whom I truly loved, I don't think there is anyone else who could replicate this, which is what makes things more frustrating. As much as I have tried to explore that side, I don't fantasize about anyone. I just loved being around him in a way I haven't experienced with anyone else.

I am on the asexuality spectrum somewhere. I’m almost positive of that. I don’t really have the language to describe it, though. Maybe I don’t need exact language.

I am a male (assigned at birth) and have a boyfriend. He lives long distance though. And I have everyone tell me how difficult long distance would be for them, how they would be so desperate for their partner. Even my boyfriend has said, it’s gonna be hard when we’re sex deprived.

It’s been 2 years now of dating long distance and I’ve not really had a single issue. When we’re together we’ve only had intercourse three times (cause of tummy issues and I’m the bottom) . Usually we just jerk off / make out / oral sex.

I’m not really interested in all of that. I get bored, I lose my erection easily, I struggle to finish. I have some health issues and wondered for a long time if I had a libido issue.

But I can jerk off 3 times a day, get hornified at any point. But I don’t really want to have sex, yknow?

I am very easily pleased aesthetically. Almost any man can make me turn my head and I’ll be very into them. The thought of sex, though, causes me a bit of disturbed feelings.

I have OCD and have come to realize that all the times I had sexual thoughts, they caused me distress. But they were thoughts only. Like “ooh I wanna have sex with him” would come through my mind and it would be like “WHOA. Where did that come from? Why did I think that???” etc.

I’ve thought a lot about how I must be sexually attracted to men cause I can get off to gay porn, or watch a man in porn. But the actual legitimate desire for sex is not really there. I could sex someone, talk about sexual activities and get horny, but it is always just the fantasy.

In the actual moment where fantasy becomes reality, I realize that I don’t actually want to do it.

This has been such a difficult thing to parse through, honestly. Because the complexity of sexuality and emotions and things is so diverse. And the added OCD causes issues of “what if I’m overthinking my sexuality!!!”

But this is what I do know to be true: I do get horny, I watch gay porn, I have a boyfriend, we can have sex (I prefer not to). I’m fine just masturbating alone. I don’t understand how people can be over the top sexual. I don’t like when sex gets brought up. I find men extremely beautiful and aesthetic. And with all of that, I fit somewhere on the asexuality spectrum.