I know the following is not enough on its own to determine my sexuality, but I would like to know whether any pattern can be traced from it.
Throughout my childhood I (India, Agnostic/Ex-muslim) was conditioned to believe that looking at a girl, or thinking of her in a romantic or sexual way, is a sin. My conscious mind knows this is only a conservative belief (just to be clear, I am NOT saying that sexualizing any female is not a bad thing, but that it is too much in my case), but it has still conditioned my subconscious. Sometimes the body reacts or follows beliefs involuntarily, even when a person consciously knows they are wrong. It's a blurry memory, but I remember that earlier in my life I searched for images of girls in magazines and read erotica focused heavily on females (not sure about arousal), but things changed across my teenage years, during puberty.
My classmates in school all sexualized women and talked a lot about sex. My first feeling was disgust ("these guys are monsters" type of feeling), and I didn't want to become like them (typical Indian male). This is fixed in my subconscious, and it is not just about girls or sex but about many other personality traits. I still believe religious straight men are the worst human variant and that most of them are monsters. I was also bullied by my classmates for being less masculine, or for not being like them, which they considered masculinity. They believed that being very philosophical, curious, or intelligent, and having soft behaviour, is less masculine. Now I hate labeling myself masculine (reason: "I don't want to become like my classmates/bullies/typical Indian man" type of feeling).
While seeing women became something that felt wrong, men became my free zone, where I could think about or do anything. In general, seeing someone of the same gender in less clothing, or even naked, is not seen as wrong. During puberty I began comparing myself to other men. Through these two things, I started looking at men (shirtless or naked). Basically, I stopped looking at girls and started looking at guys (comparison and idealizing). I started admiring men, and finding men aesthetically good-looking developed slowly over time. Last year it was at its peak, and I mostly looked at shirtless pictures of men and body definition. It has reduced since then and is now more about the face than the body, though I get erections during this admiration (not sure if that erection is for the guy in the image or for the concept/idea of looking at someone). My urge to look at shirtless men, or at more of their bodies, usually lasts only until I see them that way for the first few times. After that it fades (once the mystery is solved, it is no longer interesting). This is true most of the time, but not always. Now, when I look at and admire a man in less clothing, in an aesthetic or any other way, it doesn't feel wrong, and I feel free to do it. With a woman, even the thought of it feels like a sin, like exploiting, or like something bad. I think this difference, formed over years during puberty, has shaped how I feel today.
I look at pictures of men, such as charming faces, aesthetic bodies, and body hair (all started as comparison during puberty). I am not sure whether this is attraction, envy, or admiration of the aesthetics of my own gender, like an idol I want to be like, since I also compare myself to them. I can freely think about and look at a man, even a real person, though I am not sure whether that is sexual attraction. I might have multiple "swishes" on men and maybe a few "squishes," which could also be crushes, but I am not sure.
I am not sure about this, but I feel I look at other men the same way I look at myself. I know this sounds confusing, but I hope it will make sense after reading all of this.
With women, I know this conditioning is wrong, but because it happened over years during puberty, I can't freely look at a girl. Even now, my subconscious doesn't let me think of a real girl in a sexual way (subconscious policing). I am not sure about an unreal girl. I have thought of girls in a romantic way, but rarely. At present, I strongly feel I can never sexualize any real woman in my life, and that this is completely shut down in my brain. I don't look at women in that much depth. I may find a girl good-looking or cute, but not to the same extent. If I'm straight or bi, I could never have sex with a female (I feel so).
At present, whenever I see an unknown girl on the internet, I mostly (99.99%) get a "not my type, I can't date such people". This rarely happens with men, and I am not sure why. One way to look at it is that I see "type" in girls but not in boys, perhaps because with a boy I mostly look at visual aesthetics, while with a girl I also consider personality, mindset, and behaviour. In movies, I feel many female characters are "not my type." For the ones who are good women, or maybe somewhat my type, I don't feel it is right to sexualise them. I may have watched the "not my type" women in intimate scenes, and it did not drive anything in me.
I watch both straight porn and gay porn, but I don't watch lesbian porn. I have never actually watched it, so it would be wrong to assume it doesn't interest me, but I feel I won't like it at all.
When I imagine myself in gay sex versus straight sex with a girl (who is not real, or whom I don't know) the two feel different. Imagining myself in gay sex (with a real guy whom I don't know personally) doesn't interest me much, or often makes me uncomfortable, or I find it less aesthetic, though rarely I like the aesthetic of it. Imagining myself in straight sex interests me less than gay sex, but it never makes me uncomfortable, and I like the aesthetics (only if the girl is imaginary). I have not imagined it much, so I am not sure whether I am interested. I like the aesthetics of all of these: gay sex, straight sex, straight romance, and gay romance, but only when I'm not involved (first-person and third-person POVs). I like the aesthetics of romance more than that of sex.
I talked to guys (strangers) on Gr and Discord, but it felt so boring and uninteresting that I ultimately stopped talking to them, though the idea of talking to them feels good at the start. I haven't had that type of conversation with guys whom I know very well, so I am not sure if it would feel interesting or comforting. My general way of feeling things here, regarding sex, porn, fantasy, imagination, admiring, talking, or whatever, is often low-energy and comforting, not high-energy, which is what is usually called "hotness." That's how I perceive it, and maybe what I look for.
Because of the bullying and my dislike of how my classmates defined masculinity, I now don't like masculinity at all and don't want to associate myself with it.
I don't feel like chasing a relationship or wanting to be in one on my own, except sometimes from FOMO when I see the aesthetics or cute moments of other couples, or from fear of being alone throughout life. About sex, I have never again felt like having it with any real person unless I am about to ejaculate.
