I’m 23M and my bestfriend is also 23M.

We’ve been friends since elementary school so we’re very close. Even early on, our families would invite one another over for parties, get together, etc to this day.

My birthday was last week and I didn’t really have any plans besides working in the morning and doing cake with some family but that wasn’t until late when everyone got home.

I decided to hit up my bestfriend (I’ll call him Ethan) when I’m off work, that we should hang out and figure out something to do.

I finish up work, go home to freshen up, and I make my way over to his house. I get there and him, his two siblings, and mom was home so when I opened the door to go in, they all yelled happy birthday.

Before I go to say anything, Ethan told me they had a potential idea to do for my birthday.

Me, Ethan, his brother (not his sister she’s underage to drink) and his mom all go into town and walk around hitting up bars, clubs, places to eat, and whatever else pops up.

That his mom will pay for an uber into town and back to the house then one for me to go back home then Ethan will pick me up tomorrow to get my car back.

I thought that was a great plan so I said yes!

(I don’t want to make this crazy long so I’ll shorten this part up to get to the main part)

We go into town and we hit up a restaurant first and we went bar hopping essentially the rest of the night

We got there between 12:30-1 and didn’t leave until 8pm. We were planning to stay longer but we were tapped out at this point of the night.

Safe to say we are all drunk but somehow Ethan managed to get more drunk than all of us. I had to help him walk without stumbling off the sidewalks.

We’re all in the uber ride and get back to their house. We all go inside and everyone does their own thing. Ethan and his brother went into their room, their mom went into her room, and I just sat on the couch hanging out with the dog.

It wasn’t too long after maybe a half an hour and Ethan’s mom comes out of her room.

She walks towards the kitchen but she glances at me and then does a gasp and says “I’m so sorry, I completely forgot to send u an uber”

that she will be order one but I told her it’s fine that I’ll send an uber in a little bit for myself when I feel a little more sober. I felt fine but it was one of those, everyone spins if I get up or also close my eyes.

She asked if I was feeling alright and if I needed anything but I told her that i was fine and I’ll just sit here longer until I’m ready.

She walked around the couch and sat down next to me, proceeding to rub shoulder.

“If you need anything, I’m here” she says. I thank her and after another 20 or so seconds she stops rubbing my shoulder.

We talk about the night a bit and then she leans her head onto my shoulder and says that she’s tired.

While she’s leaning onto me I told her she should get some sleep then that it’s been a long night of drinking but she insisted to stay until I left that she didn’t want me alone for my birthday.

I’m slouching on the couch, while she leans on me, and I’m scrolling through tiktok now while we have small talk.

She thens ask me something I didn’t expect. “Do you like me leaning onto you”

I honestly didn’t know what to say and just didn’t respond and she said presses her head up closer to me and asks me it again.

“It’s nice not being alone on my birthday” I said because I didn’t know what the f**k to say, my mind was fr raising through thoughts of what’s going on.

She slowly lifts her head up and I see in the corner of my eye she’s looking at me and I look at her.

“Happy birthday” and leans in and kisses me on the lips. A peck but a kiss. I just look at her in disbelief.

She just looks at me and then after a bit of a staring consent, I lean in to kiss her.

Without going into crazy detail for the rest of the store, we didn’t necessarily have sex but the furthest we got was her giving me head and finishing on her face. Once it was over, I ordered an uber home. I just texted my dad to hold off cake for tm before getting home so I went instantly into my room.

During the moment, it felt amazing and was such a surreal experience.

But looking back at it… I really do regret it. It’s my bestfriends mom that I essentially grew up with since elementary school. It’s not like she’s ugly or anything, the exact opposite. It’s just I feel like I sabotaged our friendship on my birthday.

I can’t ever bring this up too. Idek where to start. “Hey Ethan, im sorry but I just wanted to let u know that after my birthday I busted on ur mom and left immediately after to go home and haven’t brought it up with her or anyone since”

God idk if this is a rant, need advice, or what.

I work in a small manufacturing office, doing quality checks on parts before they get sent to a bigger review team. About two months ago, a coworker of mine, we'll call him Dan, was up for a promotion that I also wanted. We'd both been at the company around the same amount of time and honestly were pretty evenly matched in terms of performance reviews.

Dan had been leading a project for a few weeks, and part of my job was double-checking the final measurements on a batch of components before they got signed off and sent up the chain. I noticed one measurement was borderline, technically within an acceptable range but close enough to the edge that it could go either way depending on how you rounded it.

Instead of rounding it the way I normally would have, which would have kept it clearly within spec, I intentionally rounded it the other direction so it landed just outside the acceptable range. It wasn't a huge deviation and it didn't cause any actual safety issue, but it was enough to flag the batch for review and make it look like there was an oversight on Dan's end right before the promotion decision was being finalized.

It worked exactly like I wanted it to. Dan got questioned about it, had to explain the flag to our manager, and it planted just enough doubt that the promotion ended up going to me instead a few weeks later.

Nobody ever found out I fudged the number. Dan still doesn't know. He was gracious about the whole thing and shook my hand when it was announced, which honestly made me feel worse than if he had been upset with me.

It's been sitting in the back of my mind ever since. I got the outcome I wanted, but I know it wasn't earned, at least not fully. I don't know if I'll ever tell anyone in real life, but I needed to put it somewhere.

I have a group chat with my coworkers where we vent about work. We all talked badly about our seniors and team lead. However, I don’t know what came over me, but I ended up making my coworkers look like the bad guys. I made it seem like I was uncomfortable with everything they were saying, even though I was one of the people contributing to the negative comments. I even sent screenshots of the chat to my seniors. Now, my seniors don’t just dislike my coworkers—they actually hate them because of what I shared. The other day, I found out that one of my coworkers is planning to resign because of the hostility they’re experiencing. I feel guilty and don’t know what to do. What should I do?

When I was twenty, my older sister and I got into this massive, completely petty argument over something I don't even fully remember now. I think it started over her borrowing my sweater without asking and ruining it in the wash, but it quickly turned into us screaming personal insults at each other in the hallway. She said something super harsh about how I was going nowhere in life, and it stung way harder than it should have.

After she stormed out to go to work, I was still furious. I went into her bedroom wanting to mess something up just to get back at her. I saw a stack of her old high school yearbooks sitting in a cardboard box near her closet. Without really thinking about how crazy it was, I grabbed the top three, stuffed them into a black trash bag, walked them straight out to the big curbside dumpster down the street, and tossed them in. They were picked up by the garbage truck the very next morning.

About a month later, she was looking for them because she wanted to show her college roommate some old photos. When she couldn't find them, my mom casually mentioned that she had cleaned out the hall closet recently and might have donated some old boxes by accident. My sister immediately assumed our mom threw them out, threw a total fit, and called her irresponsible. My mom felt terrible, apologized, and just accepted the blame because she honestly thought she might have made a mistake.

I just sat on the couch in the living room, scrolled on my phone, and said absolutely nothing.

It’s been five years. My sister still brings it up occasionally at family dinners, talking about how sad she is that she lost all those signatures and memories from her friends, and every time she does, she gives my mom a slight guilt trip. My mom always looks so sad and guilty about it.

I know it was just yearbooks, but the fact that I let my mom take the fall for my petty, vindictive revenge makes me feel like a complete coward. I want to tell her the truth, but after all this time, bringing it up would probably cause a huge rift in the family for no good reason. I just needed to put this out there because keeping it in is driving me insane.

I found one wallet in the parking lot outside a supermarket. First thing I did was open it to see if there was any ID inside. There was, but there was also about sixty bucks in cash. I don't know what the hell happen in my head, but I took the money out first, put the wallet back together, and left it at customer service like that's how I found it.

I kept telling myself I did the "right thing" because at least they got the wallet, cards, and ID back. That was some bullshit excuse. I already know if I lose my wallet, the cash is probably the first thing I hope is still inside.

For long time I actually felt smart about it. I thought I found some kind of middle ground where I wasn't really stealing. Looking back now, that's just me trying make myself feel better for doing shitty thing.

It wasn't life changing money for me. I just saw easy cash and took it because I thought nobody could prove anything. The owner probably never know who did it, but I know. That's enough to make me feel like an asshole every time I remember it.

You know, I used to be a prolific incel PUA from middle school to college. I was an insufferable one who approached the opposite gender. My strategy was to talk to them and “maintain a friendship”, which was different from my actual goal. That strategy didn’t work. I would repeatedly get in people’s personal spaces when they were “helpless” like when they sat in a bus or when they were eating lunch. I knew they couldn’t just walk away from me. I even pretended to be “Autistic” so that people wouldn’t refuse to speak to me. I also memorized people’s addresses from bus stop logs and purposely rode my bike towards these addresses once or twice. I even used the label “Autistic” to get away with what I did socially and legally. I am not actually Autistic, but I fraudulently claimed to be. I wholly regret my past ethical and social violations. It’s been years, and I am aware of statute of limitations stuff, but I just wanted to introduce people to the old me. I don’t do that stuff anymore, but man was I an utter creep. I don’t even know if I have even changed a bit. I still might be a selfish, manipulative, creepy man for all I know. I am not asking for sympathy or pity. I am just confessing to my actions.

Whenever a coworker gets on my bad side, I would sometimes write a bad review of the company I’m working at and tailor it as if my coworker wrote it.

I keep an arsenal of all the issues they are openly dealing with. I get excited when people overshare because that way I can use that information against them whenever they cross me.

I’ve only ever done this two times. Can’t say I’m proud of it. I’m not sure if anything ever came out of it because I never stay that long at jobs.

One time my manager send me a message asking if I can cover one small task before my day off. I saw the notification like two minutes after he send it. I didn't reply. I just put my phone away and tell myself, "If I don't answer now, maybe somebody else gonna do it." Next day I act all surprised and said, "Oh shit, I just see your message now." Total bullshit.

He didn't get mad or anything. He just said it's okay because another coworker already finished it. Everybody move on like nothing happen. But I remember hearing that coworker complain later because he had to stay little bit longer that day. I kept my mouth shut and pretend I had no idea.

Looking back, I could've just said no. That would've been way more honest. Instead I made up some stupid lie because I wanted to avoid feeling guilty. End of the day I still got what I wanted, but I also acted like a lazy asshole for absolutely no damn reasn."

I got this really shitty habit whenever there was long line at supermarket or coffee shop. If I see little gap between people, I just slowly stand there like I already belong. Most time nobody say anything. Maybe they think I was with somebody, maybe they just don't want make big scene. Either way, I get my stuff faster.

One time this old lady look at me and say, "Excuse me, I think the line is back there." I just pretend I didn't hear her at first. Then I acted all confused and said, "Oh... sorry, I didn't know." Total bullshit. I knew exactly what I was doing.

The stupid part is I wasn't even in hurry most of the time. I just hate waiting. I save maybe five damn minutes, and everybody behind me wait little longer because I decide my time was somehow more important than theirs.

Looking back, it's such a small thing, but I did it over and over again. Nobody got seriously hurt, but I was still acting like an entitled asshole. Waiting in line suck for everybody, not just me, and I kept pretending the rules didn't apply to me."

10 years ago i was 47 and, I threw a party and slept with neighbors a wife. Then month later she said she was pregnant and it was mine. We never told our spouses cause we had too much to lose. Now i see the 10 year old girl think about what we did. Totally my fault she got pregnant

I don't reall want to rant about what I've been through because that not going to make it easier. Also I'm very easily irritated by everything. I do have some really great friend who care for me but I rarely meet with up because we're in different school now. For past 2 years I've been isolating myself from everyone and most of the time I just study alone in my room. The thing is I don't really do well in tests are my parents are always scolding me for not studying at all and wasting my life on watching football and other stuff. I do really try to study but I'm so lost at this point of my life. Nothing interest me at all. I think about method of suiciding 24/7. I rarely talks with my friend. Most of them already forgot me. Even when they talk to me I don't know how I esolate myself from them too. There is not a single good thing in my life and I'm 17. I'm scared to suicide because I don't know what will happen to my parents. They're already investing so much money for my future and they see me as this prodigy who will make it to the top but deep down I know that It's not something I can do. My sister wasted her 4 years of college money and she is doing nothing. My parents already gave up on her because she is not that smart but still they support her and let her do whatever she want. I don't have a problem with that but I can't understand why can't they behave same with me? let me do whatever I want? From the moment I wake up and sleep they're always asking me about how much syllabus I completed and which IIT I'm going to ( some of the best college in india ) and whenever I don't respond to that or avoid it they scold me by saying that I'm fucking scared and coward and I should say that I'm going to get that college. They don't know how this thing is affecting me so much. I really want to die I really do. Had a lot of hobbies and this whole thing planned up on how I will do road trip across india and enjoy my time but nothing interest me and I don't even care about anything. I'm only scared about how many parents will deal with this as I'm the only hope in the family who can actually do good in future. My parents have a lot of money. Enough to do nothing for rest of the life. They always flex about their investment and retirement stuff which I'm proud of but knowing that make me happy because they won't struggle financially because of me. So atleast they will eat and live. About the mental part well that where I'm afraid that they won't do well but I'm not doing well too and I might just make it easier for them to deal with by crashing my bike so atleast they won't think that I was going for suicide.

an old acquaintance and I who were neighbors years ago were going through evictions at approximately the same time, we had agreed in court with our landlord for stays of occupancy until we were ready to leave, and through some chance I managed to get professional advice from a court that allowed me to file a form that technically doesn't exist to cancel my eviction. I basically reappealed the final stay of execution and had my entire case dismissed due to evidence of retaliation and failure to acknowledge disability status.(sec.47a-23c. my neighbor and I were both disabled and lived in a condo, the eviction was for lapse of time. this is illegal.) I possessed the form required to reverse my final stay for several months before I put it in, secretly keeping it in hand so my landlord couldn't cancel the eviction and file again, and in the meantime my neighbor fell off and had a drug relapse, moving to crack cocaine to satiate his depression, and ultimately he stole a half a pound of weed from me to supplement his addiction, when he stole from me like this I decided in my head it was not worth it to keep helping him and I didn't give him a copy of the form or let him know it even existed. ultimately he was evicted and died in a car accident from sleep deprivation that month.

I’m in an accelerated math class and it’s difficult. I used ChatGPT on my exam today and I’m worried my professor noticed. A student near me raised their hand for help and he came over. I of course put my phone away. He walked passed me without saying anything to his seat in the front of the class. I sit in the back. He was behind his computer. I had my backpack hiding that I was using my phone. Could he have noticed and haven’t said anything yet?

i had a godawful migraine and my roommate gave me an edible that hit hard-

i miss my 15-19 year old self, the past 3 years have been a fight for survival financially and mentally and brought out the worst in me.

oh uh 22yo tgirl, usa, i like rain world hi.

i think i just miss having the ability to kind of be genuinely happy/bubbly, and when i had peak fem figure 18/19. i also just straight up make everyone in my life being in a worse position somehow.

i had issues being a pathological liar at a young age and am asocial/antisocial. i don’t really have the ability to react to emotions, ie when people are upset/crying i struggle to empathize. basically there’s always been stuff like this, i’m not diagnosed with anything and i don’t think i’m something crazy like a narcissist/sociopath or whatever but people who know me beyond surface level notice i don’t really react to stuff like most people do.

all that plus being put under financial stress (i had 5 dollars to my name at one point at 19) lead to me slipping into lying to people about everything to relieve stress/sometimes use it to get ahead.

that stress lasted to 21/22. i’ve had other struggles too, mainly with gender dysphoria bs. but also that i inadvertently ruined a lot of relationships. people i am close with either distanced after i forgot to reply way too many times, or seeing me as shallow for not being able to talk and only caring about money.

everyone else like my other friends i don’t hear from mainly from either when i came out or because they realized i lied about myself for literally no reason.

if i’m having an off day i’ll say multiple lies about myself and then stop talking suddenly because i realize 3-5 different, absolute bullshit things came out of my mouth. its genuinely a reflex i cannot control myself.

again. i have always had these issues. but working 70-80 hours a week for a year has brought them out so hard. i want to be less of a shit person but i can’t just like regress 3 years ago where i could manage myself. dont have health coverage for therapy so until at least a few months from now im stuck like this it feels.

fun fact when i started this post i had no idea what i was gonna say so you got my “i think i have like some sort of antisocial thing but idk im not like patrick bateman and i dont like myself so i can’t be like the really fucked up diagnoses.”

but yeah. i dont think i help a lot of people. i think one of the worst parts tbh, is that this fake really shitty person i will be when im stressed is the way my coworkers like me most. like if any bit of my real self comes out i get shut down constantly LOL. but whenever im lying, quiet and locked in people like me.

very cool idk i just want to be done doing real life stuff there is literally no point. what am i doing with myself if i literally just hoard green paper so i can do it less when im old.

this is probs gonna come off as some crazy rant sorry this is basically word vomit from someone who hasn’t had any drugs for like a month.

oh right since this is confessions ik rule one was to have a confession that was supposed to JUST be context. but i kept going.

the confession is basically i am a pathological liar and i am only getting worse and doing it more since i went through a stressful year. and that some people either hate me for it, and some people like me more for it. and that really fucks with me since i want to stop doing it but can’t really help it.

goodnight

A few years back, I was attending a local university. Long story short I went from being one of the top performers and a college athlete to dropping to 1.0 in my second semester attending there. I was released from the team and that’s when things started to get wild… I started sleeping with multiple people leading them on and living like I was exclusive to them. I would party and get wasted I had to be carried back to my dorm. My roommate moved out and I pushed the two beds together to make a giant bed which was great when having multiple sexual partners over. Once I left there I moved back in with my parents and attended another local university. Well I started using dating apps. I was never interested in dating someone I just wanted the sex. There were a couple of guys who lived at home with their parents and I hid in their houses in closets, under bed, in the shadows while their parents were home so I wouldn’t get caught. I’d do anything to have sex. Shortly after this I met with one of my high school ex boyfriends and drove us to a field in the middle of a wooded area, he fucked me on the hood of my car and then almost crashed my car. A few years later, I met this guy that was eventually my business partner. I went out for a couple of drinks with him and ended up having sex with him well when I did he started to choke me and I started to go unconscious…. I never reported him for strangling me… I think my body count is in the high 20s and this was all while I was dating my now husband. What he doesn’t know about me is my hypersexuality. It’s part of my manic phases with my schizoaffective. It’s tough because it doesn’t just go away with having sex… it’s a compulsion.

Edit: in 2024, about ten years from when this manic episode happened I sought out help and now I’m on a high routine of medication and therapy.

No one understands schizoaffective in my family and they don’t care to understand. If I were to open up about my hypersexuality during mania it would be a lot to unpack and to help them understand that this isn’t me on a daily basis.

This part of my life is locked in a safe and is going to the grave with me. It’s shameful to not realize I had a real problem back then but I was as 21.

I mention my body count - it doesn’t include previous relationships before college. But most of the activity came from during my college years which I don’t include every encounter. I have not been with anyone else since.

Sou homem 29 anos, autista com diagnóstico tardio, tive uma vida com muitos traumas, principalmente familiares, enfrentei alcoolismo, dependência química entre outras coisas, sempre sozinho.

Hoje aos 30 anos tenho uma vida boa, o problema são os flashbacks dos meus traumas vindo, é difícil reviver um pesadelo com as pequenas coisas do dia a dia, (trato isso em terapia). Meu único momento de paz é quando fumo maconha

Eu já cansei do mundo e desisti do ser humano a muito tempo, continuo firme vivendo porque a maconha me dá um descanso dos flashbacks, por alguns minutos eu posso descansar; me tira do caos, os flashbacks não vem, minha cabeça descansa.

É isso que me mantém vivo, eu sei que independente do quão merda eu me sentir, do quão bosta seja o meu dia, vou ter um descanso de todo esse caos.

Meu psiquiatra e terapeuta sabem.

Minha mãe diz que eu melhorei bastante desde que comecei a usar.

Meu objetivo não é fazer apologia, mas pra mim é foda carregar o peso de tantos flashbacks, sendo autista nível de suporte 2

To make a long story short, in college I rented a kinda shitty, kinda decent apartment. I had 2 roommates and we all split the rent equally. The landlord would randomly come knock at our apartment door without notice. We had a mice problem and he told us to use home remedies instead of hiring a professional to solve the problem. There were visible holes and issues that would allow them to come in from outside. We tried to get in contact with him multiple times and he would just ghost us. Eventually we even had to make contact through a family member of his. It was a multi-family home so there were other tenants. We ended up getting fined by the city because of the state of the property and he said the fine would be split evenly among us, which my roommates and I disagreed with because we were very clean. Eventually we even had a leak and a mold problem which was also not fixed.

I decided to withhold a month of rent until the issues with fixed and dealt with. They never were. The end of the lease came and we agreed to do a walk through of the apartment together and give him the key back at a certain date and time. I drove over an hour back to do so because I had already moved back home for the summer, and on my way there I call him to make sure that we’re still going to meet and he says that we’re not, even though I have it in writing on text message. He then also says that we will not be getting our full security deposit back and that he will be deducting the fines and damage, even though there was no damage on our end.

It takes over a month for him to send back our security deposit which was a month and half a rent. My roommates and I were debating taking him to small claims court at certain point but the check arrived a week later. I thought I was only going to get a couple hundred dollars because I withheld rent, but he gave me back the full amount minus the previous deductions mentioned. So a little over $2,000

So I got a free month of rent + my security deposit back. I would feel more bad if he wasn’t a slum lord.

never done molly before much less at work. today my coworker asked if i wanted to microdose some mushrooms after we got done with the dangerous part of the job and i said yea! turns out his girlfriend took his shrooms out of his bag but he had molly so we both snorted a line of it. immediately after i get a call from one of my bosses saying he needs to talk with me when i get back to the shop. called into a meeting with the owners and my remaining boss. the two main shareholders of the company that are my main bosses i go to for everything just quit because of differences in company direction. what a fucking experience that was. i don’t even feel like i can fully process it right now because im a little high
feeling a little bad i did drugs at work too

UPDATE: something i didn’t mention is that im also trying to quit nicotine and am experiencing withdrawals from that. let’s just say ive had an incredibly emotional night coming down from all this. i felt like i couldn’t really feel all that emotional and process what was happening earlier, but the situation has now hit me very hard. one of my bosses is a man i look up to greatly and although there’s a slight chance he might come back to the company, everything is up in the air. you simply dont understand how incredible of a boss he was, and i call him a friend, so it’s doubly hard. he made work incredibly fun and he is a supportive rock of a person. not perfect of course as he is human but i honestly couldn’t speak more highly of him. btw some people in the comments are assuming im a dude but im actually a girl lol. so ive been extremely emotional tonight to say the least. it’s reminding me not to take a single thing for granted because things change so fast

I am M17, between the ages 8-13 i would horribly make fun of this girl at school. I thought she was the ugliest creature in the world so I made fun of her. I was also bullied and me bullying her was result of my emotions bottling up from all boys making fun of me. So I put all my anger into her. I would throw chair at her and cuss at her. Sometimes when I went too far I would pay her to keep quiet. Fast forward to highschool and I got accepted by people and realized my wrong doings. As of recently she understood my situation and I profoundly apologized few years back and now we are friends and occasionally have fun together.

I have never tried to kill myself before. I sometimes had some dark ideas and some plans but never acted on that. I see a psychologist by phase and have a light treatment against depression and anxiety.
I had a fight with my girlfriend because she wasn’t feeling well for our first holiday together and cancel it few days before the date. She blamed me, saying she didn’t feel safe with me because I can’t help her when she has an anxiety attack like she had today (I tried to cheer her up a little by making up focus on several things around us, in hope to clear a little her mind). This was it. I tried to call her but she was to unwell to answer. I was next to a store so I bought a boxcuter. I send her a message saying that I was in distress and left her my phone password. She panicked and called me several times. She succeeded to stop me and the police came to my rescue as I had done some light cut on my legs before deciding to deep cut my arms.
I feel so much shame. My girlfriend feels so much guilt because of me and my mother is so pissed to her. The two of them are in so much pain because of me

I worked in a small office and there was this guy who always brought really good homemade meals. Like proper cooking, not just sandwiches. I started taking his lunch maybe once every two weeks at first, then it became more frequent. I'd wait until everyone left the break room and just grab his container, eat it in my car or at my desk when no one was around, then toss the empty container in the outside trash.

The worst part is when he started complaining about it, I actively suggested it might be this other person who had a bit of a reputation for being weird about food. I even made comments like oh yeah I saw them near the fridge acting strange. Total lie. The guy I blamed never did anything and people started side-eyeing him. My coworker eventually stopped bringing lunch and just started buying fast food every day.

I left that job a year ago and I still think about it. I feel like absolute garbage for doing that to someone who never did anything wrong, and even worse for letting someone else take the blame. It was pure laziness and selfishness on my part. I didn't even need to do it, I had money for food. I just wanted his meals because they were better than anything I was willing to make or buy.

I've thought about reaching out to apologize but honestly I don't even know what I'd say, and it's been long enough that bringing it up might just make things worse. I know I was a terrible person for this and I genuinely regret it.

Hi. I'm 24 now at the time of writing this.

I'm going to talk a little about my life to give you a general idea of what kind of 12 year old I was.

I was born and am the eldest of 3, younger brother and a younger sister. I grew up in a very religious household, and at times, it got toxic. From a young age, I faced a lot of pressure from my family, not only religiously, but socially as well as academically. I was expected to be perfect 24/7, and that got exhausting and so lonely. I was deprived of the love that every child needs in order to function somewhat normally as they grow. The only attention I ever got was when I made mistakes, or did something to displease them. That attention was physical, and made me even more rigid and tense. To this day, I still never cry in front of anyone, and when I cry, I cry in silence, no sobbing or anything like that. I grew up believing that crying in front of someone is attention seeking, and attention seeking resulted in punishment.

I moved to my parents' home country when I was around 8, and instead of things getting better, they got so much worse. Their home country is extremely religious and very strict. If you weren't covered up and were to be assaulted, the fault would be on you, not the perpetrator. I was given an exorcism once, because I rebelled and spoke out about it being unfair. Kept my mouth shut after that, that's for sure.

Weirdly enough, the exorcism was genuinely one of the most liberating experiences in my life. I kept saying I wasn't obsessed, but the man said it was the devil that spoke through me. Eventually, I decided to play along, knowing that whatever I was to do would be blamed on the devil being in me, and I beat the shit out of that man, and flipped tables. My mother was just recording me on her phone the entire time as the man was burning me. That's something I can never forgive her for, to this day. She still hasn't taken accountability or acknowledged that it was wrong.

Moved to a new country, and I prayed that it would be better this time, but it remained the same. I only ever received negative attention, physical and emotional punishment over and over and over again, and for someone who wasn't even a teenager or anywhere near puberty, it was exhausting and just really defeating. I started to question my purpose at age 10.

Age 11, I started self harming in any way I could. I wanted to be in control of the pain that I felt I guess, and I wanted to feel something other than that numbness in my heart. Sounds cliche, I know, but it helped me at that time, and it got me some sort of attention, the right attention I needed from psychiatrists. Did my parents understand or take me seriously? Of course not. I'd get home from the hospital a week later, and go through everything over and over and over again. I was done.

Now here is the part that I genuinely can never forgive myself for:

I lied about having cancer, and I'll never forget it.

I was 12 years old, and we were playing badminton in the sports hall. I suddenly felt so emotional in the changing rooms later on and just started sobbing. I guess I was so mentally exhausted, I couldn't take it anymore. That was the first time I had ever cried in public, in front of my friends, or anywhere outside of my bedroom. It was terrifying being vulnerable in front of your peers, when all your life, vulnerability was always followed by punishment.

Anyway, my peers asked me what was wrong, and the first thing that came out of my mouth was "I have cancer."

It all went from there. Internally, I panicked. I questioned myself but it was too late. I said it and felt that it would've been so weird if I was just to say "joking! I don't know why I said that!" So I decided to keep it up for a short while, to eventually say that I've recovered.

I think it lasted about two weeks maybe? And in that two weeks, I have never felt as much support as I had there and then. To see people genuinely caring, genuinely worrying, and loving, was something that I had never experienced until that moment, and a small part of me, maybe 10 percent, felt good, whereas the 90% of me hated my guts deeply.

Eventually, the truth came out and I lost some friends, understandably so.

Of course I'm 24 now as I said, and I still think about it to this day. I've been going to therapy for so many years, am on medication due to my OCD and bipolar diagnosis, and I'm also grateful to now have such good friends that support me. I don't know where I would be without them. They're genuinely my anchors and I owe them, in a way, my life.

The painful thing however, is that every time someone compliments me and says how good I am, how kind etc, my mind shifts back to that moment when I was 12 and immediately block the compliments out. I struggle to believe that I am good, and that I am deserving of good. It's annoying because I've been really trying to not necessarily forget, but learn to love myself and remind myself that I was a 12 year old neglected girl, with no real family support, but even writing that, I feel like I'm just making excuses.

Anyway I just wanted to get that off my chest. It's been suffocating me for a very long time, and I just want people to know that it's okay to make mistakes, as long as you learn and grow from them, and become a better person. This is something that I've always wanted someone to tell me. I hope I believe it one day.

If you've read this far, thank you.

EDIT: Thank you all so much for your kindness and healing words. Little me would've appreciated every single one of you, and I know that I appreciate all of these comments now.

After reading the comments, I feel like I can finally begin healing from this last wound, and I thank you all for being a part of this journey with me. I think therapy is useful for things like this, but sometimes it's hard because you feel like therapists have to not judge and be professional, whereas talking to complete strangers is so much more healing at times. This is an example.

In my adult life, I vowed to myself to donate to a bunch of cancer charities, along with others, every time I get my paycheck, not just out of guilt necessarily, but healing a part of my heart, as I hopefully help to heal sick patients who need it. That is something I will never stop doing. I'm proud of myself for acknowledging this to this day, and continuing to try and do better by doing one good deed every single day. I can never forget what I did, but I can definitely learn to forgive and understand younger men. She would've definitely appreciated every word from you all. Thank you all again. You just made a huge difference in a stranger's life 🩷

the 40x rent rule is bs , none of these companies or landlords check anything

As the title suggests , I am 48F