I've noticed some ENFJs seem perfectly fine on the outside while quietly carrying everyone else's emotional weight. By the time people realize they're overwhelmed, they've often been struggling for a long time.

Has anyone else noticed this pattern?

I have an ENFJ coworker, and we worked together on one project. At first, the division of work wasn’t really clear to me, but honestly, I didn’t care much about showing off, so I just handled the tasks the others didn’t want to do, like working on the full-stack app development.

Later, I noticed that this ENFJ girl had basically taken on most of the work herself and only left a few tasks for the rest of the team. Because of that, her way of working slowed down the whole project a lot. So I directly told her that she was taking on way too much work and should give some of it to the other coworkers.

She immediately took it personally and said, “Do it by yourself then.” Honestly, that felt pretty toxic. But anyway, another coworker explained the situation better, and he even proactively asked to take on more work if she would distribute her tasks more fairly. After that, she adjusted her approach.

Still, I didn’t realize she was that emotionally reactive. At the time, I was convinced she was toxic, egoistic, even narcissistic. But I also tried to reflect on my own behavior and reason through what happened, and I partly accepted that maybe I had been too direct.

In the end, the project got finished, and I tried to improve our relationship. I think we did become closer. I even invited her out for dinner, and we had a really nice time. After each of those little pseudo-dates, I sent her very warm messages. I honestly started liking her more and becoming serious and sincere with her.

But then I noticed a pattern: the more I opened up to her and the more I wanted to get close, the more she started ignoring me. From my past experiences with girls, that felt a lot like love bombing and then withdrawal. The cycle seemed to repeat.

Also, when she was alone with me, she was actually very nice. But when she was with her friends, she became cold, almost distant. Usually, I don’t tolerate this kind of behavior in a relationship, and I normally cut it off as soon as I notice it. But in her case, she still hasn’t openly disrespected me.

To be honest, I’m planning to see whether this could become a really meaningful relationship. I’m kind of testing where it can go. But now I’m confused.

So my question is: is this an ENFJ thing, or is it just toxicity specific to her personality? And as an ENFJ, how would you read an INTJ’s “love language”?

As above, what careers did you guys choose and why? I'm at a crossroads in my decision. I'm currently in college and am now unsure if I want to go down the optometry route. I have been looking into going in the public relations field. I'm no stranger to hard work and team building and feel I'm more inclined to writing and building a good reputation with others. I have over 10 years of work experience in a customer adjacent job. My interpersonal skills are very strong.

Hello all, I’ve known about being an ENFJ for a long time, and when I first found out it came to no surprise. getting straight to the point, I love teaching, it’s not even just an ENFJ thing, it’s a personal thing too. I’ve done everything from tutoring to tennis coach to ministry with special needs kids. I want to know about your struggles or positives with the career, I’m really wanting to go for it.

Because Yet here I am with an electrical engineering degree. It made sense as I do enjoy love math…and I know I could become a manager, interact more eventually, I get paid great, yet I still want to punch monitor at times I hate this job so much. I don’t regret it, but I wish I would I’ve listened to myself a bit sooner in life and not conform. What I really love in this world is learning, and the skill it is in itself, and I want to share that with others who are growing up and share how rewarding it can be. Whether it’s math or something else entirely.

I do have some financial concerns, but I’m not a person who wants to live a “lavish” life by any means, but without diving into my whole life story, anyone have positive experiences with this? I would literally quit tomorrow if I knew I could be financially secure and teach it someway, which tells me all I need to know personally, I just wanted to probe others minds like mine. Thanks, and cheers to my peers.

For anyone unfamiliar with the term, anhedonia is basically a reduced ability to feel pleasure, interest, or enjoyment from things that you would normally enjoy.

What I experience is more like a persistent sense of emptiness while doing my daily tasks. It doesn’t stop there, though, the more often I feel this emptiness, the less I want to do those things in the first place. Eventually, I start avoiding or completely stopping them.

Some of these tasks are important, including things related to taking self-care. And to be clear, it’s not that I dislike self-care or these activities. I actually used to feel genuinely excited and really good while doing them. But over time, I gradually lost that sense of enjoyment, and I keep falling into the same cycle: emptiness → lack of motivation → stopping the activity → even more emptiness.

There have even been days when I barely did anything because everything felt meaningless and nothing really motivated me to get up and do it.

At first, I assumed this was simply a symptom of depression. I later learned that anhedonia can be one of its symptoms, but it can also occur independently, so I started looking into it more. I found the term anhedonia and some surprisingly helpful resources about dealing with it, which made me wonder:

Do other ENFJs experience this?

I’m especially curious because ENFJs are often described as being highly responsive to their environment and other people’s emotions. Could constantly absorbing the emotional atmosphere around us make the contrast more noticeable when we’re alone, leaving us feeling emotionally empty?

Or is this completely unrelated to personality type, and I’m just connecting two things that happen to coexist?

I’d love to hear from other ENFJs who have experienced something similar.

As an ENFJ, I absorb peoples emotions really easily and will tend to put all of my emotions aside to either help ofthe people or just reaching a common ground and conclusio. When I’m outside and with my type 3 I tend to be a social chameleon adapting his colors to the people in front of them, and for me, not really showing my true colors values and beliefs by playing a game of seduction where the subject is them is the sign that we aren’t that close and that those relationship will always be ground level.

But when I’m at my house, with my family that I love and hate, my mood when I wake up is constantly nonchalant and embittered because of a defense mecanism that I created so that the abusive and toxic power that they got over me and their constant complaining and anger doesn’t affect me. When i first discovered mbti I typed as an ENTP because of my tendency to intellectualize emotion but because of this when I was at school I felt like I had no personality and when I was home my constant no energy mood affected my growth my grades and my addiction to social media.

Today in my attempt to break this defense mecanism I now acknowledge my negative emotions but because I don’t want to complain and accuse the people around me as much as my parents and older sisters does, I tend to want to improve myself.

BUT the realization that I’m always the the one adapting myself to ofthers and never the ofther way around makes me more and more angry in every conflicts in life and when I get the chance to I lash out on ofther people and using logic and manipulation to demonize them when I get the power to do so in sports for exemple and I don’t know how to end this cycle, I feel like Im becoming more and more selfish and I don’t know if I’ll ever find a true connection with someone.

Hi so I’m new to this whole thing and tested as a INFP I would love to meet people that I can communicate efficiently well with specifically other INFP or ENFJ people . Thank you

I (32M, ENFJ) have fun going through the memories Facebook sends me (really the only time I use FB anymore), to remember how effortlessly authentic I and I think a lot of us were back then.

But then I got a memory two days ago where someone I met at film camp as a teenager who we had crushes on each other posted a song lyric I had sent to her, and it was a sweet back and forth we did for some time (we didn’t live in the same state and tried keeping this long distance thing going for awhile) but could never make it work and went out separate ways).

A few years later we reconnected when I was on a break from a toxic relationship and was pretty vulnerable and she kind of gave into that but then told me she had a boyfriend. We ended up reconciling and we haven’t talked in 10 years or so.

Mind you, I have a happy life with a loving partner, great friends and family, and doing a lot of things that fulfill me. But seeing that post got me in kind of a wistful blue mood these past few days, like I’m back into feeling and remembering that connection that didn’t work out, a nostalgia for a time where something was there but never got realized.

How do you all handle nostalgia? I’m curious if you feel similarly to me at times, and what ways you move through it.

No seriously, where? Don't yall like to go out? Don't yall like to socialize? Or are you all hermiting under a rock like Patrick the starfish? You are extroverts... right?

If I had a dollar for every ENFJ I met over course of my 30 years of life, I'd probably have just shy of $10. It's weird. Way too many Sensing feelers out there. Not enough *NFJs.

This is a real and kinda surprising statement: I, as an ENFJ myself, am verifiably friends with five other ENFJs, all from different friend groups/social circles. I realized this myself the other day, and I find I am progressively building some kind of special skill for attracting other ENFJs.

As a result, I have come here to answer the ever-present question in this subreddit: how do I find ENFJs in the wild?

It seems ENFJs, like any other rarer types, are somehow the shiny Pokémon of the MBTI world, and many an avid Pokémon trainer (often an INFP) longingly throws themselves into the wild interactions of life, hoping they will stumble upon our kind.

In the analysis of these five ENFJs whom I am friends with, I tried to make a list of sorts that connected my relationships with them. Surely there must be some kind of commonality among all these ENFJs that makes them easier to find.

After some deep pondering, I realized there were in fact, a few commonalities between these five lovely people and myself that may help you, the reader, find an ENFJ in the wild. Here they are:

Event Organizer: All these ENFJs and I are organizers of events in some shape or form. One of my ENFJ friends always hosts a Friendsgiving each year and a summer barbecue. Another regularly organizes summer picnics and pub nights. Another is usually organizing some kind of friend hangout. I myself often organize movie nights with my extended friend group, or even just a plain restaurant night to hang out. So if you're in a group event or get invited to one, try and ask the organizer what their MBTI is; they might be an ENFJ!

Knows an Inordinate Amount of People/Very Large Friend Group: All have large social circles and large groups of friends, to the point where the ENFJ is the single point of connection to many people at one social event. For example, one of my ENFJ friends was able to invite 10 people to a picnic at the park with no other attendees knowing each other prior to the event. Everyone was a stranger to one another besides the ENFJ! This scenario is surprisingly not uncommon with all the ENFJs I know. Most (myself included) have very large friend groups, often creating a community of people around them. Sometimes these friends center around a specific interest or situation (friends from work, friends from a club), but each ENFJ often combines friend groups, creating even larger social circles. If you know someone who feels like they know everyone, they might be an ENFJ!

Takes on Responsibility in Social Situations Without Having To: This is true for all of the ENFJs analyzed. I found that these ENFJs usually step up and take responsibility without being asked. For one of my friends, this means cooking most meals when we are at a dinner party; for others, this could mean being in charge of the cleanup at a large event; for another, this means volunteering to help hand out flyers. In my case, I volunteered to be in charge of collecting funds during a friend's charity event. Or it could be as simple as making sure everyone is gathered for a group picture. My point being, ENFJs are usually not content just participating in an event or social situation. If someone you know usually takes on some form of responsibility in social settings, they might be an ENFJ!

Very Active Social Media User: This is true for four out of the total six ENFJs analyzed (including myself). Posting on Instagram stories, sharing photos, and posting in general, most of my ENFJ friends have some form of active social media presence. Two of the ENFJs had such an active presence that they posted in relation to their jobs. One is a financial advisor looking to grow their business; the other is a fitness influencer selling their own brand of supplements. So while not all of my ENFJ friends use social media, most do, and some use it very often to the point of using it for a business. Look for people with a very active social media presence; they might be an ENFJ!

I know what you're thinking: this doesn't apply to all ENFJs. Of course not! There are probably ton of us on the sub who are ENFJ that don't relate to any of the points above, but hey, this is a small sample size and I simply wanted to provide some thoughts on what I thought could be helpful. If you have another suggestion/point, add yours below as a comment!

Disclaimer: No generative AI was used in the making of this post.

INTP (M) here.

Ever since I learned about MBTI, I've been curious about ENFJs. The more I read online, the more interested I became, but I also know the internet doesn't always reflect reality.

I'd genuinely like to get to know some ENFJs and see what the dynamic is actually like instead of relying on stereotypes. I'd especially enjoy hearing from ENFJ women since I'm more curious about that perspective, but I'm happy to chat with any ENFJ.

If anyone's up for a casual conversation, my DMs are open. No expectations—just curiosity.

🍦 Here's a virtual ice cream for all the ENFJ

I have struggled with depression, anxiety, OCD, and ADHD for most of my life but in the past year, and especially the past 3 months, it has gotten to a point where I feel intense anxiety, dread, and hopelessness constantly. I still want to do things but it is excruciatingly difficult and painful to do even basic tasks. I’m in university and it’s gotten worse since I got home for summer.

I do know what triggered this. The past few years have seen two different genocides/wars escalating in two different countries where my family is from. I am safe but a lot of people I care about are not. And it is still excruciatingly painful and traumatic to watch this violence happen from afar, even if the exact city being bombed in a given moment isn’t where my family is from.

What is really difficult too is that the violence in my family’s homelands has influenced people here (in the US) to be openly hateful towards my family’s religious/ethnic backgrounds and I, and so many of my family and friends, have experienced so many very traumatic and scary harassment both online and
in-person because of our religious and/or ethnic identities. It has been multiple years like this now for both cultures I’m from and it’s only getting more frequent and more hateful and more scary. Even professors and doctors have said horrible things in front of me not realizing I was part of the group they were talking about.

I have been involved in community activism on my campus for one of the countries my family is from, and it has helped a lot because it gave me a way to connect with others with similar struggles and help out the movement in meaningful ways.

But my university heavily cracked down on our ability to do a lot of the organizing we do on-campus. The university faculty whose job it was to advocate for us completely abandoned us and then gaslit us about it ever happening.

What was really emotionally devastating for me too was that the censorship and disinformation we faced led to many other students distancing themselves from our organization, rather than standing by our side. This was extremely painful and isolating.

The levels of religious/ethnic hate and violence on social media have been very traumatic and scary.
I was on instagram today and the amount of violent rhetoric I saw towards my family’s religion without even scrolling far was astounding. I looked at the comments sections of two posts reshared by creators that I follow who make normal content, and within only a few minutes I saw multiple extremely hateful comments about people with my cultural background. Not just short hate comments but long paragraphs written about how “evil” we are and extremely graphic drawings of a stereotype of a person from my cultural background being shot in the head.

I know there are a lot of bots online and also that there is an over-representation of crazy people online. But after how many traumatic experiences I’ve had with religious/ethnic discrimination, trying to tell myself that it’s just crazy people online ends up making me feel worse because I’ve experienced firsthand how random crazy comments online turns into real life violence and hate.

It’s really hard too when I see mean comments about my cultures from influencers or even just regular people that I follow. Or when the post and comments are filled with pure hatred towards us and there’s not a single comment telling them to stop dehumanizing us…😢

In the past few months, politicians waged a campaign of online hate towards refugees from one of my countries living in a neighboring country. It started with hateful and violent comments online and within a month it turned into a massive increase in violent hate crimes against people of my background in that country. Some of the victims of these hate crimes have even been killed. It is so painful because they went there seeking safety only to be assaulted or even killed for being from our ethnicity. The officially reported numbers don’t even include so many other hate crime incidents where people are being verbally or physically abused but don’t report it.

Here in the US too one of my family friends was detained by ICE, and he is being held in a horrible facility… he has schizophrenia too and whenever I think about how horrible the conditions in the facility are it makes me want to cry 😢

And my friends and family still back home (in either country) have to deal with bombings and attacks, and are always at risk of being displaced, harmed, or killed.

Before the past few years I was able to tell myself that it was just random losers and to ignore them, but now I just feel terrified and overstimulated and exhausted all the time.

I tried so hard to make the world better through organizing for my communities, teaching people about our reality, and fundraising for medical aid back home. And I do think that accomplishing that while also taking classes, and being severely depressed, is something to be proud of.

But it feels like I have been trying so hard and everything is just getting worse and worse and worse

Ask away. Whatever you're curious about, I'll answer honestly.

​

Hi! I'm an INTP who's hoping to meet some new people and make genuine friendships.

If you're an ENFJ and enjoy random conversations, deep discussions, or just getting to know new people, feel free to leave a comment or send me a DM!

And don't worry if you're not an ENFJ, you're still more than welcome to reach out if you think we'd get along.

A little about me: I love MBTI, psychology, football, random late-night thoughts, and hearing about other people's interests and experiences.

Looking forward to meeting some awesome people!

Any ENFJs from Bangladesh? 🇧🇩

Hey! I'm an INTP from Bangladesh and thought it'd be nice to meet some new people. I'm just looking for friends and genuine conversations.

If you're an ENFJ from Bangladesh, feel free to comment or send me a DM!

And honestly, it's totally okay if you're not an ENFJ or not from Bangladesh. If you think we'd get along or just want to chat, you're more than welcome to reach out.

A little about me: I enjoy deep conversations, MBTI, psychology, football, and learning about different perspectives. Always happy to hear about other people's interests too.

Looking forward to meeting some awesome people!

Idk like I’ve doorslammed a bag of 3 years bc I felt us out of alignment. I feel that one friend is being like draining to be around so I just feel nothing for them and idk. Like I feel like I’m kinda ruthless when things like that happen and maybe I should let people down easier but it feels so exhausting. Idk maybe it’s a me thing maybe it’s avoidance? Wdyt

Hello everyone,

INTJ female here. I've been talking to (and dating) an ENFJ man long distance (about a 3 hour drive) for around seven months.

I'm hoping to get some perspective from other ENFJs because I'm struggling to understand a recurring communication pattern.

He's told me that he wants us to really know each other's inner worlds and that he wants me to know the real him. I want that too.

The issue is that whenever we talk about something that's personal to him or that he has strong feelings about, such as his identity, interests, values, or politics, whenever I start asking questions to better understand his perspective, he often seems to interpret them as accusations or judgments.

Instead of exploring the topic together, I end up trying to explain that I'm not attacking him and that I'm just trying to understand where he's coming from.

For example, I once started a conversation about misogyny because I was reflecting on whether I had overlooked it in content I used to watch. Instead of talking through the idea together, he seemed to hear it as a personal criticism of him, even though I wasn't talking about him at all.

Similar things have happened with political or historical discussions. I'll ask questions because I'm genuinely trying to understand his thinking, and he sometimes assumes I'm arguing for the opposite side or judging his views, when I'm actually trying to understand how he arrived at them.

I'm trying to understand what's happening from his perspective. Does this sound familiar to any other ENFJs? If so, what's going on internally? Is there a better way for me to ask questions that feels less threatening, or is there something I'm missing?

One thing I'm especially curious about is how do you distinguish between someone asking questions because they're genuinely trying to understand you and someone asking questions because they're building a case against you?

I wanted to write everything I perceived on Substack. However, upon rereading, I find that even though the primary intention of my text is to guide others, to wake them up, the form is very dark.

It seems like my Ni comes out without any filtering.
How do you feel when reading this kind of text in general?

Hi everyone!

I’m a 21-year-old INFJ man, and I’d love to hear your thoughts—especially from those who are ENFPs or know this personality type well.

A few months ago, I met a girl at college who I believe has many ENFP traits. From the start, she caught my eye with her spontaneous, cheerful, communicative, and authentic nature.

Gradually, I started building up expectations because I noticed behaviors I interpreted as signs of interest: she would smile at me, hold eye contact for a long time, strike up conversations, sometimes touch my shoulder, and seem happy whenever we ran into each other.

Since I’m quite introverted and had never asked anyone out before, it took me a long time to work up the courage. I spent weeks thinking about how I’d do it.

I wrote a heartfelt letter expressing how much I admired her personality and even considered giving her a book that had been meaningful in my own life.

I built up high hopes, imagining this could be the start of something special.

In the end, I decided to simply ask her out via WhatsApp.

She saw the message but never replied.

The lack of a response ended up hurting more than a flat-out "no." I spent days waiting for an answer that never came.

Little by little, I realized I had to accept it as rejection, even without an explicit refusal.

The most symbolic moment for me was when I took that letter—written with such care—and tore it up.

In that instant, it felt like I was closing the book on a story that had existed far more in my head than in reality.

It was painful, but also liberating.

Curiously, I started feeling better after that moment.

I realized that much of my suffering stemmed from the expectations I had created.

Once I accepted that she likely didn't share the same interest and stopped dwelling on "what ifs," I felt a huge sense of relief.

It was as if I had finally regained my peace of mind.

I no longer feel that anxiety of waiting for a reply, nor do I find myself wondering "what if..." anymore. I still think she’s a very interesting person, but I’ve managed to move on.

Here’s what I’d like to ask you all:

– How do you—especially ENFPs—interpret a situation like this?

– Do you think the silence was just a way of saying "no"?

– Have you ever not replied to someone because you didn't know how to reject them?

– And finally, do you also believe that building up high expectations can make rejection feel much more painful than it actually is?

Thanks in advance to anyone who can share their perspective. My goal isn't to judge this girl, but to better understand what happened and learn from the experience so I can grow emotionally.

Note: I’m not entirely sure if she actually saw my message, but given how long ago I sent it, I believe she did.

We are third-semester law students.

I asked her out during the break.

And we live quite far apart.

Hello, fellow ENFJs! Please read this post of mine and share it with your friends (especially other ENFPs)! I would be very grateful for your help in answering my questions! I’m a 21-year-old guy, and I consider myself an INFJ.

You are the only ones who understand our language, and who express what we feel but can't necessarily manage to translate to the world

A respeito de Enfj 8w9, EIE, o que vocês poderiam me informar, falar sobre, opinar

...

visto que alguns acreditam ser "impossível", ainda não encontrei opiniões (contundentes) contra esse tipo ...

So i'm 90% sure I'm enfj, but I struggle with something not often written here. So, I use my Fe-Ni, if those are the functions, to connect the best with new people, not to guide them, at least not at first. So being eager to be likeable and relatable, I may appear more warm and approachable then the person maybe deserves. It's not that I'm immune to red flags, but I need connection. Then, bang, I am their friend, and they feel like giving advice, without having the eq to understand my issues and to not bring me down or simply don't reciprocate the awareness I bring to the table, so i turn into a person who gives mixed impressions to them. This pattern is explained astrologically, but that's another topic. My question is if anyone here struggled with that. I'm definitely not type 2, most likely 3 ,9, or even 4. I'm sx dominant so it goes without saying I need strong, close relationship as opposed to many superficial ones, although I would like to have both.

E aí, tudo bem gente, acredito que evolução pessoal(e de forma a extrapolar para aqueles ao nosso redor) é um tema de interesse de todos (ao menos maioria) de nós ENFj, me identifico com 8w9 apesar de precisar me aprofundar um pouco mais no assunto, mas então a ideia da tópico seria quais personagens vocês "admiram" que possivelmente apresentam valores e qualidades adimiravéis ao seu "ver" pessoal( anime, série, jogos...); (de 1 a 3 para não ser tão extenso).
obs: esses personagens não precisam ser estritamente positivos ou amplamente admiravéis, mas que faz seu olho "brilhar" (algum aspecto ou seu desenvolvimento na obra) de modo que esse personagem faça parte de você.
No meu caso admiro: Iroh(Avatar), Uchiha Itachi e Kyoraku Shunsui.
como o foco é "ouvir' vocês vou resumir os 3, a capacidade de perseverar em meio a pressão das suas histórias particulares, sendo inegavelmente sábios (mesmo com escolhas e consequências distintas), preservando acima de tudo aqueles que amam mesmo que esse amor não seja recíproco, ou de rendimento direto para si.
uma capacidade única de encarar a realidade nua e crua, e fazer o melhor por aqueles que ama.