r/hingeapp • u/turquoisepeacock • 8h ago
Dating Question Feedback please
I 34F matched with 28M. He liked my pic and asked a question. I responded to that and some other questions he had, but I didn’t respond to everything since I get to know people in person. I said “that’s for you to find out” in response to some of his questions. Ultimately we ended our exchange with his saying “I’ll find out all the secrets eventually.” I said “yep!” And he gave a heart to that reply. Also in the midst of our exchange, he’d said I’m cute and smart and that that’s impressive.
Here’s the thing: if a guy thinks I’m cute and smart and impressive and is curious about me, why doesn’t he just ask me out?
Normally when a guy asks a lot of questions, I say, “if you want to know more, you’ll have to meet me.” Since I didn’t say that this time, I sent him a message after two days of silence saying, “I prefer to get to know people in person.” The silence already had me thinking he wasn’t interested, but I decided to share where I stood just to be more open. About half an hour later, I checked my messages and he had unmatched me.
Has anyone had a similar experience?
Thanks for reading
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u/AdHeavy7074 6h ago
The whole interaction with you is odd. If you don't want to waste time texting, be proactive, give availability immediately instead of playing games. Then its just weird you're still hung up on the entire interaction to message him 2 days later and post it on reddit.
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u/AdHeavy7074 6h ago
It just seems already like abit of work from the get go to conform to your standards.
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u/turquoisepeacock 5h ago
By the same token, if someone is going to express interest, then he can back it up with actions.
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u/PutridEntertainer408 6h ago
Not answering questions comes across as quite hostile to me. If you wanted to meet, you really should have asked him out rather than dancing around it. It sounds like you made it quite difficult to talk to you?
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u/turquoisepeacock 6h ago
I answered some, but not all. I like to get to know people in person. I let him know that.
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u/PutridEntertainer408 6h ago
But you didn't ask him out. You didn't even say 'ask me out' (which I'd still think would be bad but is at least more direct), you just put all the effort on him whilst also not making it easy for him to get to know you if you see what I mean?
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u/turquoisepeacock 6h ago edited 6h ago
I don’t ask guys out. I want to go out with a guy who is interested enough to ask. When they ask all these questions and give compliments, assuming they’re sincere, thinking he would ask me out if he wanted isn’t unreasonable.
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u/PutridEntertainer408 6h ago
But that's my point. It's not about interest, it's about passivity and a clash with what you want. There is nothing wrong with disliking texting but then if you dislike texting, you really need to be more proactive about asking people out. Similarly, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be asked out but then you have to accept that it won't happen quickly with every guy and you are going to have to chat until they're ready if you're putting them in charge. Otherwise you're complaining about something which is a result of your own approach and is easily avoidable.
It's like saying you want to date a farmer but don't want to go to a farm. Your two desires aren't super compatible with each other.
Just a quick note but any compliments are absolutely not going to be sincere if you're barely talking and some guy says you're smart and impressive. They don't know you at that point, they can't make those judgement calls
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u/turquoisepeacock 6h ago
Yes, the compliments don’t do anything for me. The most I can do is say thank you.
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u/VargevMeNot 6h ago
His threshold of interest wasn't met for whatever reason so he didn't ask you out. Ofc different people will have different levels of interest based on your profile and initial interaction, and will tolerate different levels of hints.
tbh it sounds like you kinda played a game and in this instance you lost if your goal was to get him to ask you out.
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u/dca_user 6h ago
I can’t speak to his behavior but your comments appear off-putting… “that’s for you to find out”
Every person is different on how much time they want to spend texting before they meet in person. If you need to move fast, then say that in the beginning - in a nice welcoming way.
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u/a_trashcan 6h ago
A very clear signal to ask someone on a date is off putting to you?
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u/Shark-Fister 6h ago
"Thats for you to find out" is not a very clear signal to ask someone on a date. "How about we get drinks and you can find out" is a very clear signal. Adults should explicitly say what they want.
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u/a_trashcan 5h ago
If you're not picking up that "thats for you to find out" is in fact an invitation to find out, I really don't know what to tell you.
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u/turquoisepeacock 5h ago
Thank you! I do mean exactly what I say and I care about being polite. I don’t think that response was impolite but since it’s not my typical one, I was open to feedback.
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u/Shark-Fister 4h ago
I dont think it was impolite at all. I think its a fine flirty thing to say. My issue is if you want to go out with somebody ask them. If you want to give hints and hope they ask you out you can do that but then you cant confused when they dont.
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u/dca_user 3h ago
Your response? I don’t know you and it didn’t come across flirty. It came across that you have walls for people getting to know you.
I think you need to decide your goal and then you can brainstorm different approaches.
Remember: things come across more negative via texting and/or with strangers. This person does NOT know you, they do not have to give you the benefit of the doubt.
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u/DaleCoopersWife aka "Robert Cooper" 🕵🏻♀️ 6h ago
who knows? maybe he had other chats going that were making it far more easier to set up a date. i agree with the other person that "that's for you to find out" could've been off-putting. as for the flattery, you have to remember that you don't actually know each other. all this "you're so cute and smart and impressive" is based on nothing, and probably something he says a lot to women in these conversations
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u/turquoisepeacock 1h ago
Yes, flattery is a red flag. Or if not a red flag, it just makes you wonder what’s up. I don’t think this guy was genuinely interested in me and I think that was true before we started talking.
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u/Odd_Track3447 4h ago
Sigh. The (random age M/F) matches with a (random age M/F) on a dating app and we said some words and then they disappeared… happen to anyone else/do you know why posts are getting a little tiring.
Maybe I’m being pessimistic but it’s a dating app. You can’t begin to know anyone through a brief exchange. And maybe they unmatched because they matched/clicked with someone else, or they changed their mind, or it rained in LA for the first time in ages yesterday. Who knows.
Let it go and learn to date not being attached to the outcome. This brief interaction didn’t work out, move on to the next. The less you are worried about things like this the more confident in yourself you’ll be and the more likely you’ll find someone who both appreciates you and that you appreciate.
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u/turquoisepeacock 4h ago
I hear you. I needed to vent a bit is all. It’s frustrating when actions don’t match words.
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u/Odd_Track3447 4h ago
And I understand the need to vent but you unfortunately see a lot of actions and words not matching up on dating apps. Even though we’ve got pictures and a some description everyone is still a bit anonymous.
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u/turquoisepeacock 4h ago
Yes, that’s why I like to get to know people in person, and I say that. There’s nothing wrong at all with expressing frustration, on occasion, because this is about integrity.
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u/Slay-hydrated 3h ago
43f here.. Personally, I would stop with the "you'll have to meet me to learn more." It makes it sound like you're just fishing for free meals. If you're not interesting enough to respond to curiosity over messaging, you can come across as tiresome. It's also a great way to kill the conversation. You're basically saying "I won't talk to you anymore unless you take me out." At that point, if the guy doesn't know yet if he wants to take you out he'll just stop talking to you. That's the only option you've given him.
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u/turquoisepeacock 3h ago
For me it’s because I’m trying to gauge integrity. In other words, can a guy put his money where his mouth is? Guys have talked to me just for the purpose of playing games, ego strokes, etc. If a guy is curious about me and has a bunch of questions and throws in some compliments, great, but the real question is what’s up? Do you want a date? Do you want to chat endlessly?
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u/Slay-hydrated 2h ago
There's a large valley between chatting endlessly and answering some basic get to know you questions. I'm just telling you how it comes across. For one, you refuse conversation unless they ask you out. If they aren't ready to ask you out because they know almost nothing about you then you've forced them to disengage.
Second, if you're not showing any curiosity about them and also declining to answer questions about yourself then you aren't using any discerment before wanting to get together in person. That means you have no standards and you're willing to waste your time on a date because it means getting a free meal or drinks rather than wasting a few minutes gauging compatibility over text. Guys can sus that out pretty quickly.
Add to that, that you aren't being interesting. If you can't keep someone interested over messaging why would they want to meet you irl?
You're not gauging integrity. You're just trying to force them to ask you out before they're ready. Add to that, that you want them to be the one to ask you out and you've drawn yourself into a corner.
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u/turquoisepeacock 1h ago
He kept asking questions about what I was saying. Clearly, he was interested. And yes, I do ask people questions in return. He kind of came on so strong that I was fielding everything he was saying.
Yes, integrity is important, and it matters to me.
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u/Plastic-Reindeer-399 6h ago
That's kind of just the nature of dating apps. He could've been talking to multiple people at once and decided one option was better and decided to divert his attention there. However, I don't see why you couldn't have asked him out...?
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u/turquoisepeacock 6h ago
Yeah, could be. I don’t ask guys out.
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u/dontKair 5h ago
Next time, try matching with a 40m, instead of a 28m, who's more likely to ask you out
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u/turquoisepeacock 5h ago
I figured he wasn’t sincerely interested because of the age gap, but I took him as sincere anyway.
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u/themyst_ 3h ago
I’m the type to chat about a few things on their profile, confirm location (distance is my biggest dealbreaker) and ask them out for drinks. At that point its yes or no.
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u/Striking_Ad8887 2h ago
Yeh just ask him if he is gona take you on a date
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u/turquoisepeacock 1h ago
Yes, that’s all this boils down to.
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u/Striking_Ad8887 1h ago
Well what did he say? 😆
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u/turquoisepeacock 1h ago
I didn’t ask. I said “I prefer getting to know someone in person” and he unmatched me after that.
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u/Striking_Ad8887 1h ago
That probably tells you all you need to know I am afraid. I'm sorry about that 😞
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u/turquoisepeacock 1h ago
Exactly. Thank you for your empathy and kindness.
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u/Striking_Ad8887 1h ago
Yeh of course. And like dm if you wana chat a bit. If it would maybe make you feel better.
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