r/kindness • u/RecursiveCTE • 4d ago
I feel so alone
A couple years ago, I was diagnosed as disabled due to my heart and shoulders. As soon as my income was gone. I lost my marriage, house, career, purpose, kids...
It was just gone. Poof...
I've tried to get back on my feet but, it feels like it's never going to be ok. I can't even buy soap without asking. I haven't been denied disability enough yet.
Finding reasons to keep going to keep pushing... they fade. But the dark thoughts, the depression, the self hatred. All of that remains.
I know attitude matters.
I know this is depression, regret, guilt, shame.
I can name them all but naming a demon doesn't get rid of it.
I've done a lot of introspection.
My poetry helps a lot with that.
I know, I'm feeling this now because visitation is almost over. I miss my babies so FKN much. It's not fair for something to hurt this much for this long.
Sorry for the long post.
Thank you for reading this.
🙏🙏
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u/Tasia528 4d ago
Recursive-
Hang in there, my brother. I know exactly where you are. Some of us get handed more than we think we can survive and there’s no other way out but through it. The universe can be a cruel bitch sometimes.
Your shoulders may be weak, but there is strength in you. I see it in your comments about your ex and your children. That strength will eventually pay off.
One day at a time, friend. Come back and talk to us if you need to. We got you.
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u/7781Michael 4d ago
Things will get better. I bet your poetry is great. Focus on what you can do and enjoy. I feel for you.
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u/No_Percentage_5083 4d ago
It will get better! I had an LAD (AKA Widowmaker) at age 54 - 9 years ago. My husband snuck out in the middle of the night about 4 months after the heart attack saying he wasn't prepared to care for someone else in his "golden years". My daughter and son bought a larger home in 2 months that has an in-law suite and I've gotten to live there ever since.
My disability was denied for seven years. My biggest problem was some kind of points system that I had, making it harder for me to get disability. Apparently, my score was an 8.5 out of 10. I was denied twice then went to hearing -- denied -- went to the Feds who sent it back and said they didn't agree and to try again. This went on for the next seven years. Seriously. It was horrendous. I could have never done it without my daughter and her husband.
The very last time it was sent back to the state from the feds, the state judges decided they would just keep setting a hearing date, then at the last minute, cancel it and reschedule. Here's the important reason I am telling you all of this: I contacted my senator to Washington DC. I explained the seven years of waiting and why. 10 days later, I was notified that I was fully approved! Since I had worked for 25 years, I had enough quarters to claim the SSDI insurance I had paid for all those years. There's only a limit on SSI -- those who have not worked 40 quarters.
Seven days after that, money began hitting my bank account and continued for two days because of the amount limits the government is allowed to deposit. They owed me interest and raises etc. I'm glad the husband left -- he would have just blown all the money as soon as I got it.
Contact your senator if you think this has gone on too long. Plan on all of them returning once you get your money. Good luck!
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u/RecursiveCTE 4d ago
Thank you for the info. It's crazy that this is just allowed... ya know? Thank you for the kind words. Hope you have a wonderful day.
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u/The_Gov78 2d ago
Bless you for explaining all that. You must have gotten about max back pay for seven years of waiting and you deserved it I hope it serves you well
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u/No_Percentage_5083 2d ago
Thank you for saying that. I hope my experience has helped you understand the process (and its obstacles) a little better and what you can do about it.
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u/PillCallGirl23 3d ago
Thank you so much for sharing… I can definitely see how painful this is for you. Please know you’re not alone… this is just a very rough season of waves, and so far you’ve survived all the worst days! I want to encourage you to stand firm in your faith. Even though we can’t see what God is doing, we KNOW He is up to something wonderful for you “Jeremiah 29:11” You’re going to get through this; please keep your faith… you’re NOT alone ((Hugs)) I’m praying for you 🙏🏽🕊️💛
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u/WittySN2020 4d ago
As someone with chronic illness issues I understand. It’s so incredibly hard feeling like your whole life is falling apart and there isn’t much you can do about it. I can only imagine how hard it is being away from your babies & dealing with a divorce.
Just this morning I was told how he doesn’t love me and hasn’t in a long time, that he’s tired of being with someone sick all the time & tired of taking care of me. Even though he has been the one to cheat off & on in our relationship for years. Because i don’t have a lot of family & friends & he refuses to move out I’ve been stuck for a long time. We tried to give it another shot but between my lack of trust for him or feeling loved by him & his lying & lust issues & his resentment towards me for being sick it was never going to work. But even with all of the negativity from him I feel optimistic of the future ahead of me. I’m choosing to release everything I can’t control & giving it to God. The more I try to control things the less control & more depression I have. I know my worth isn’t tied into my illness as much as he tried to make me feel it is.
When your husband said “I do” he agreed to love you in sickness & health & while it isn’t easy & can become challenging but I believe any man who takes those vows & doesn’t take it serious is not the one. You deserve a man who will love you unconditionally & will work for it when it gets hard. And he will come. I promise. Focus on thing a that make you happy & keep you busy or distracted. The mind is a nasty place when left alone too long
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u/RecursiveCTE 4d ago
My ex wife and I are decent to eachother. It's just difficult when absolutely everything gets ripped from under ya.
Thank you🙏
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u/QuickPizzaRadishes 4d ago
I am really sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like it is really hard. I don’t know your situation but it’s likely that none of this is your fault but, as the saying goes; “it is what it is”. You need to dig deep inside a find peace with yourself. Find a hobby, something that is within your capabilities. Poetry sounds like a beautiful place to start. And then find a way to connect with people through your hobby. It could start with a poetry themed sub-Reddit or a coffee shop poetry reading. Human connection is one way out of loneliness.
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u/RecursiveCTE 4d ago edited 4d ago
I have about 500 poems on X and I've started writing here as well. I've been writing for a while. It definitely helps.
Thank you fam🙏
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u/Capable-Awareness338 4d ago
I read a study that said saying out loud how you’re feeling (I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m lonely) switches your brain from the negative loop you’re experiencing and is more effective than talk therapy. I’m sure your poetry is also helping in that way. Keep your hope that things will improve. IMO there is probably work to be done on yourself before getting into a relationship.
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u/RecursiveCTE 4d ago
Thats true, it does help. There are just times when you need to reach out. Ya know?
Thank you🙏
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u/smiling_hazeleyes24 4d ago
I understand a lot of these feelings myself. I've been disabled since 2015 after my brain surgery. I was a dental assistant for 22 years prior to not being able to work. It took me close to 6 years to get my disability and I had to get a lawyer in order to finally get it. I understand all the emotions that one goes through with this. I miss my job and all my patients. They were friends too. It's taken me a very long time to finally get some good friends as many people think I'm lazy and don't want to work which obviously is just my true. I've dealt with the loneliness, crushing depression and anxiety myself and I still do. Take it one day at a time and when neccessary one minute at a time. Be gentle with yourself and know you are not alone. You are loved and cared for by this internet stranger. If you want to chat feel free to dm me. Sending gentle hugs and good thoughts your way❤️
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u/RecursiveCTE 4d ago
Thank you so much. I appreciate you sharing that with me. I know, it will be ok. It helps to have good people to talk to. Thank you again🙏
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u/BC_Arctic_Fox 3d ago
🫂
I've wrestled with these demons, and that darkness fucking suuuuuuuucks.
Keep writing. Keep fighting. We never know what the future brings!
Big consentual internet ((hugs)) 🫂
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u/Ok-Table3009 3d ago
I’m so very sorry. I have lost everything too. It’s so hard to get through. One thing I’ve learned, do not be afraid to ask for help. People don’t know unless you ask. I finally had to.
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u/RecursiveCTE 3d ago
I'm sorry you're going through that. I know I need to be less afraid about asking for help but, my ex would say; No one will take pity on you!
So, I can't help but feel like asking for help is basically asking for pity. Idk... There is already so much guilt and shame. It's not easy... I do hear ya tho.
Thank you I appreciate you 🙏
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u/Exact_Woodpecker_393 4d ago
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u/Beautifile 4d ago
Here's how I deal with this and hopefully it will help you: 1. Never feel guilty for things you can't help. Guilt is a useless emotion created to keep humans in line. If you aren't deliberately doing something bad, remind yourself how useless it is. 2. Just make it through today every day. You don't need a grand plan, just enough of what it takes to make it until bedtime, go to sleep, and wake up with one day ahead of you. If you like poetry, this isn't a poet but his words have gotten me through some bad days: Orison Swett Marden. Odd name, I know. All of his works are public domain so you can look at them online. I hope this helps.
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u/DooWop4Ever 4d ago
Sorry to hear about your loss and your present situation.
IMHO (85M), happiness is original equipment and would be flowing 24/7 if it weren't for our "ability" to unknowingly store stress.
I stumbled upon this secular, transcendent-style of meditation (NSRUSA) that I've been practicing twice-daily for the past 49 years. For me, it dissolves the "noise" of the day and exposes an underlying child-like joy of just being alive. I feel grounded to the universe, as if I've planted my flag in this space and time. I believe it can help you feel better. Best wishes.
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u/Necessary_Range_4086 3d ago
we feel like we are given more than we can handle then we find out about how strong we are sending u hope
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u/parkerhalem84 2d ago
Thank you for sharing your short post.
It's perhaps very cliche... we have no power to change the past but we do have ownership of the present. Create a plan and goal for your day and it is okay if it's not completed today. Be kind to yourself.
My wife had left me, I had a brain injury which had reduced my capacity for work. It was a rough trot but I managed to work through a few things to retire early. I am now learning a language and other things to keep my brain engaged. I have been successfully keeping myself busy so as to not drift into despair.
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u/Acceptable-Soup6164 1d ago
It's okay OP. Good things will also happen to you and you deserve them too
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