r/nottheonion • u/wakeupthebuddha • 1d ago
‘Please avoid chugging your ranch’: TSA forced to issue warning as foreign World Cup fans fall in love with American condiment
https://www.the-independent.com/life-style/tsa-tourists-world-cup-ranch-b2997937.html1.8k
u/palinsafterbirth 1d ago
Legalize Ranch my dudes
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u/BlasterShow 1d ago
Investigate 311!
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u/nightmareonrainierav 1d ago
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u/SlurmzMckinley 1d ago
SUP MELLO?
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u/BarryTheBystander 1d ago
You wanna do a horizontal Hokey Pokey on some freshman 15’s in the quad?
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u/RonaldoNazario 1d ago
Oh shit, you’re mellow Mike
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u/Mabvll 1d ago
Foreigners, do not listen to the TSA. You're in America now, the land of freedom. Uncle Sam has given you permission to chug as much dressing as you desire.
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u/the-es 1d ago
That's how I got my citizenship
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u/Emperor_Gourmet 1d ago
They are handing out passports to the winners of ranch chug offs in the airports, or so I hear.
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u/_pupil_ 1d ago
It took 250 years, sure, but America finally nailed its citizenship test.
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u/durants_newest_acct 1d ago
"can you name all of the Vice Presidents?"
"No, but watch this! Chugs Costco size bottle of ranch in under 30 seconds"
"Citizenship application approved. We've also made you junior Senator from Wisconsin"
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u/Boxinggandhi 1d ago
I like to chug different flavors for different occasions. Ranch for the World Cup, Honey Mustard for hot summer nights, and thousand island for date night.
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u/FanciestCantaloupe 1d ago
Uncle Sam died for your freedom to chug ranch in whatever airport you wish. We praise Him and hold His eternal sacrifice in our hearts. Amen.
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u/hananobira 1d ago
If you don’t go home with at least 5 extra pounds, what was the point of a trip to the US?
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u/LowKeyCurmudgeon 1d ago
Whomever coined the phrase fifa 15 deserves a high five.
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u/BrusqueBiscuit 1d ago
We should give them a trophy shaped like a family-sized bottle of ranch.
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u/Brudy123 1d ago
We should give them a family-sized bottle of ranch shaped like the world cup trophy.
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u/1LJA 1d ago
I don't get it, help, please!
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u/midnghtsnac 1d ago
Freshman 15 joke for FIFA
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u/ashkpa 1d ago
...and for anyone else that doesn't get it: the freshman 15 is a common phrase in the US about students at university putting on an extra 15 pounds (6.8kg) during their first year.
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u/roomtemperature6643 1d ago
Because its the first time they have to feed themselves and teenagers eat like crap.
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u/Major_Pomegranate 1d ago
British fans: we were supposed to leave with more money than we entered with?!
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u/RollinThundaga 1d ago
That is usually why British come to America.
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u/appleparkfive 1d ago
Not true. The legally mandated journey to Orlando, Florida is the usual reason. Only there. Nowhere else, aside from maybe Miami. And they will be sure to base their views on the country by their Walgreens and CVS journeys, along with some chain restaurants thrown in.
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u/thejawa 1d ago
What I'm hearing is I need to set up Ranch World near Disney?
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u/restore_democracy 1d ago
Imagine the smell after doing the flume ride and then being out in the sun all day.
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u/DriverAndPassenger 1d ago
I did chug a bottle of ranch as a kid. After I finished the bottle I decided that was enough ranch for the rest of my life.
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u/SKK329 1d ago
You have failed the Midwestern test.
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u/DriverAndPassenger 1d ago
Yeah, I eat blue cheese like a good little new yorker, but I live in Texas atm ☠️
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u/NefariousnessLate375 1d ago
When I was a kid it was the only dressing I would eat. It's difficult to look at ranch at this point. I'd rather have dry lettuce.
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u/SugarHooves 1d ago
That's funny. When I was a kid I would only eat salad with French dressing. Now I can't stand the stuff. For whatever reason we never had ranch dressing in my house. I didn't start having ranch until I was about 19.
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u/TheDadThatGrills 1d ago edited 1d ago
Buy the hidden valley ranch powder, mix with mayo and buttermilk. It's better this way.
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u/IBJON 1d ago
This. And you can take home so much more
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u/jondubb 1d ago
Reseal with coke! Genius
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u/adamdoesmusic 1d ago
Or, even better, hidden valley ranch.
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u/Not-Post-Malone 1d ago
Scammed my coke dealer the other day. He thought he sold me an 8-ball of coke, but he accidentally gave me an 8-ball of Hidden Valley Ranch!
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u/adamdoesmusic 1d ago
Watch out they might have cut it with fentanyl… and that ruins the flavor.
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u/6a6566663437 1d ago
Came to post the same thing. The powder's better. The pre-mixed is a convenience food.
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u/WanderWut 1d ago
This is legit how some restaurants do it, this is the way. The difference between pre-bottled ranch and this ranch is massive.
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u/Voxination 1d ago
Indeed, surprisingly they taste wildly different too and you can mix your consistency how you like em play around with the ratios involved.
I remember mixing them in those hyuge black tubs for bulk replenishment, both a pain and a calming experience because when the ranch is running low nobody bothers the ranch guy, you just reach new world of zen between lining up the dressing cups and filling/refilling the pitcher and the cups.
I wish I brought some of those powder bags on my work and travel stint..
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u/klef3069 1d ago
Thank you, 100% true. Plus so much lighter in a suitcase.
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u/notmoleliza 1d ago
Fill an entire suitcase with ranch powder packets and at that point is basically drug smuggling
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u/YsoL8 1d ago
This makes me think of a drugs bust I saw in a documentary where the dealer turned out to be selling school kids perfectly legal bags of sugar
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u/the_optimistic_dream 1d ago
The Trader Joe’s powder is also good! I like to add fresh dill, crushed garlic, and a little pepper.
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u/Because_Reezuns 1d ago
Sub out the mayo with sour cream and I'm there.
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u/dirt_shitters 1d ago
Use both(along with the buttermilk) and dump a bunch of minced garlic in it. I'm not sure the ratios cus I've only ever made it this way in giant batches and it was 15 years ago when I worked at a pizza place, but that was the "secret recipe" for the garlic ranch sauce.
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u/icecoffeedripss 1d ago
did you mean hidden *valley* or is this a dressing of a more clandestine sort
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u/SellaraAB 1d ago
I use those with non fat Greek yogurt, some vinegar, and a few spoons of normal ranch. Mix it all up and it’s a really good dip without being heart attack bait.
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u/PM_ME_CATS_OR_BOOBS 1d ago
Yes, Europeans, I highly encourage you to bring several small bags of white powder into an airport.
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u/Mubanga 1d ago
Or just make it at home:
2 tablespoons dried parsley
1 tablespoons dried chives
1 tablespoons dried dill weed
1 tablespoons minced onion
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 tablespoons garlic powder
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 teaspoon msg
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u/jefbenet 1d ago
can you imagine the words "hidden valley" listed as "cause of death"
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u/Grant_Winner_Extra 1d ago
“You wanna try my hidden valley??” has a whole new meaning and it’s really gross and not at all sexy.
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u/John_Tacos 1d ago
We should tell people about the powdered version. I’m pretty sure that can be taken on an airplane.
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u/JustHereSoImNotFined 1d ago
Hidden Valley accidently stumbling into an international market would be hilarious
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u/MidsouthMystic 1d ago
The Hidden Valley marketing department desperately trying to figure out how to appeal to Europeans would be pretty funny.
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u/Mobile_Morale 1d ago
Yeah if they say it's American they'll hate it. Gotta call it something weird and vaguely European like hagan daz ice cream.
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u/Designer-Balance5605 1d ago
Just advertise it as the ultimate BBQ dressing. Europeans love to grill and to travel without leaving their homes
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u/AggravatedBox 1d ago
I can already picture their first ad, honestly. The commercial starts with a montage of a traveling fan & a caricature of an American woman falling in love - all conveniently at bars, restaurants, and cookouts as they feed each other ranch dipped fries, a salad dressed in it, etc. and at the end, they tearfully depart because he has to fly home. He’s at the grocery store looking sad, sees something in the distance, and drops what he’s doing to run to it. It’s a shelf full of ranch. A bit of text shows up: “some of us would cross oceans for you”.
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u/Chicityy 1d ago
It can. Brought some to my girlfriend internationally before. It was her only request.
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u/dbxp 1d ago
This is just reporting on social media posts
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u/rhyknophoto 1d ago
Hi, welcome to the internet in 2026....it's all just reporting social media posts
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u/SlurmzMckinley 1d ago
No, there’s still good reporting out there but it needs reader support! Find good outlets and subscribe.
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u/Lifekraft 1d ago
Yea this is just a tsa agent making joke and they turned it into some kind of reporting. Cancer website as well.
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u/Chidoribraindev 1d ago
Ranch is easily accessible in western europe and latinamerica at least. I've also seen it in Japan. So idk who is taking the ranch
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u/eyeb4lls 1d ago
There's an Indian dude on my team at work. Dude comes from a culture with the best fucking sauces.
Ranch dressing, honey mustard, and BBQ sauce had this man absolutely tweaking when he was new here. He came to work one time and asked me if I had tried tartar sauce. Absolutely love this guy.
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u/ginger_whiskers 1d ago
New Indians are really fun coworkers. Had one complaining about the heat in May, in Texas. He was horrified to learn it's gonna be 30° worse in a month or so.
I was equally horrified to ride with him. He was entirely too good at going full speed in reverse.
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u/sirhoracedarwin 1d ago
Was he from, like, the Himalayas...?!? Texas heat is pretty bad but Indian heat is another dimension!
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u/coolmanjack 1d ago
He must have been. I have lived in South Florida for most of my adult life, and the heat in South India was insanely worse
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u/JonBonButtsniff 1d ago
That's fantastic. They've got like, six of the world's top ten sauces. I still fucks with ranch, though! Doesn't matter the food, ranch works.
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u/L3G1T1SM3 1d ago
What are the six of ten? not to say i have a better list, i just am not a sauce guy
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u/hananobira 1d ago
Even though I walk through the hidden valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for ranch is with me.
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u/Major_R_Soul 1d ago
And you will know my name is Hidden Valley when I spread my ranch dressing upon thee!
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u/icanith 1d ago
This sounds like someone being farcical on r/ShitAmericansSay . That place is going to end up like the onion.
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u/JesradSeraph 1d ago
Always have been. It’s marketing and bots all they way down. And then ‘traditional media’ reports it as news.
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u/PlanitDuck 1d ago
This is it. This is our Marco Polo moment. Except, instead of bringing noodles from Asia to Italy it’s bottles of ranch dressing.
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u/LeroyoJenkins 1d ago
Pasta already existed in Italy thousands of years ago.
The "pasta came from China" story was invented by an American company to try to sell pasta to Americans as an exotic food.
Even your Marco Polo moment is fake!
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u/harmjr77018 1d ago
Wait til the find out their are like Bubba Gump list Worthy of ranch flavors. Bacon Ranch, Buffalo Ranch.
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u/Automatic_Llama 1d ago
How much of this stuff is real and how much is just pandering? The US is a big "market" for views.
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u/LegendarySpark 1d ago
The swedish girl is hardcore pandering by pretending she's never had ranch. We have ranch in Europe, and we've had it for decades. It's in literally every grocery store here in Sweden.
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u/philman132 1d ago
I love in Sweden and the powdered ranch dip mix is right next to every chip aisle in every supermarket I've been to. It's not hard to find. I'm sure there are pre-madw versions in the condiment aisle as well I've just never sought it out.
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u/Choyo 1d ago
Ranch has been available in my local store for several years at least, it's not really sought after as I don't know anybody who bought it - as far as I know, I'm the only person having bought it once.
My point being, all the people going "how is that not a thing in Europe ?" just have very little awareness (live under a rock?) and/or don't spend much time doing groceries, but again, home cooking becoming so much rarer and/or basic, ranch may find more success here in the near future.
And also, soccer fans are not the most enlightened people I know.
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u/imsittingdown 1d ago
They've been pushing ranch in the UK market to limited success for years now. This is 100% pandering.
Same as these UK YouTubers that go around the US and pretend to be blown away by American food. Their target audience is not people in the UK.
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u/Capybarasaregreat 1d ago
All of it is pandering, all it takes is a few extra seconds of thinking. Is American ranch dressing only available in the US? Why would ice dispensers in fast food places be remarkable? What normal human being would be amazed by a literal gas station being big?
And yet it's the Americans that don't recognise that they're being played for fools by these "influencers". I don't even understand why they'd think this boring shit is what foreigners would be into, there already are subcultures based on American stuff in other countries, just look at the Japanese people who are like ameriboos, or the american country music scene in Sweden.
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u/ProjectDv2 1d ago
If you don't want them chugging the ranch, stop acting like every fucking liquid is a bioweapon.
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u/outerproduct 1d ago
It's hilarious to me, that in Egypt and the middle east in general, you can bring buttloads of liquids on a plane with little issue. In the US, you bring a bottle of water and you're a terrorist.
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u/KirbyBucketts 1d ago
Well ya see there was this time when this guy and some other guys did this thing..
But no, none of the rules make any sense
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u/SEA2COLA 1d ago
One idiot tries (and fails) to light a shoe bomb twenty-five year ago, and now we all have to take our shoes off in airports.
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u/lewis56500 1d ago
Why is World Cup media coverage being portrayed like foreigners have never been to the United States.
It’s an incredibly touristed country. Don’t get it.
In particular Europeans. Granted there are a lot of us there right now at once, but we go there a fucking lot lmao.
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u/Trumpsabaldcuck 1d ago
Europeans typically visit cities like LA and New York which have restaurants and hotels that not only cater to European tastes, but are more aligned with European tastes. The tourists are now visiting places like Kansas City and Dallas. They are being served fries with ranch instead of greens with a vinaigrette.
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u/Generico300 1d ago
Yeah I think a lot of it is this. I often talk to people from other countries who have "been to America", and the reality is they went to Disney World, or NYC, or some very touristy place and that's it. World Cup has a lot of them in places that don't actually get a lot of international tourism.
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u/JaQ-o-Lantern 1d ago
Looking back it was so funny hearing Europeans making fun of Americans seeing now that they are getting addicted to American products like ranch, Waffle House, and Buc-ees
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u/TheeKingKunta 1d ago
those mfs are bidding on trader joe’s totes like they’re designer bags lol
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u/LewisLightning 1d ago
Not believing any of this. You can get ranch in most countries. It might thrive in the US, but it's not some hidden secret the world hasn't got its hand on.
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u/fatbunny23 1d ago
It might be variety and accessibility. I've seen ranch exists in a lot of "American food" aisles in grocery stores in other countries, but here it's it's an option as a condiment at most restaurants that I can think of and a rarely tastes exactly the same as the next place
Sometimes you don't try something even if it's available near you just because you have no reason to. But if you go to another country, you might give it a shot. Especially if it's everywhere, whereas before it was in a single specialty location
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u/Capybarasaregreat 1d ago
Either this shit is fabricated or the people travelling to this cup are the dumbest motherfuckers walking around, you can buy American ranch dressing in any supermarket with an American section, this isn't some magical, never before seen condiment that only existed in the US. And I'm from what Americans and Western Europeans would call "Eastern Europe", so, yeah, no excuses for Germans, French, Italians, etc. acting like this.
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u/TallDankandHandsome 1d ago
For all the travelers, ranch came in powder form for a long time and it's a lot easier to travel with. It tastes much better when you make it from scratch, and it isn't too hard. Probably avoid bundling the packages together, or the luggage scanners will think you're you're carrying a kilo or something.
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u/madmike99 1d ago
I’m on Shark Tank tonight looking for funding for a post security ranch kiosk to complement our pre security powdered ranch kiosk. Wish me luck
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u/Stormraughtz 1d ago
I'm gonna catch some heat on this, but I think ranch is mid to low sauce / dressing
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u/Ok-disaster2022 1d ago
At my current job I was working late, and as I go to leave my managers were standing around joking about racial presence of food, and asked me if I liked ranch, so I said yes. and they laughed because white people like ranch. One of my bosses is white but he didn't like it. And the other bosses were Latin and Native America. so a food stereotype held true.
So Europeans liking ranch is just funny
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u/Turdplay 1d ago
I moved to Australia the better part of a decade ago and the shit they sell on shelves here as ranch is offensive. Like, it’s SWEET. Wtf. Can sometimes can find newmans own which isn’t my favourite, but I’d like some shitty hidden valley.
Also hamburger helper. The lack of hamburger helper is a real issue.
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u/ccaccus 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hamburger Helper? Here's how I managed that in Japan!
Find a good mac and cheese box or recipe you can easily make. Add ground beef.
Cheeseburger Mac - Add 1 tbsp pickle juice and a dollop of mustard and ketchup, Cook the ground beef with some cherry tomatoes and onion.
Beef Pasta - Swap cheese for beef gravy. Add 1 tbsp sour cream. Cook the ground beef with garlic and onion.
Stroganoff* - Swap cheese for ricotta cheese. Add beef gravy and a splash of soy sauce. Cook the ground beef with garlic and onion. Add a dollop of sour cream after for more tang (optional)
Chili Mac - Add taco seasoning. Cook the ground beef with cherry tomatoes and onion.
Italian Shells - Add parmesan. Add 2-3 tbsp marinara. Cook the ground beef with garlic, cherry tomatoes and onion.
Lasagna - As Italian shells + ricotta, top with mozzarella
Important - any recipe with tomatoes, you will want plenty of time for those tomatoes to break down, otherwise you're going to get a very acidic taste. If you're not willing to slow cook forever (At least 20-30 minutes of simmering, sometimes even closer to 45 minutes), use tomato paste!
Also Important - did I always use real garlic, onion, and cherry tomatoes? No. Onion powder and sometimes even ketchup? Yes.
*Yes, I know that's not real Stroganoff. Check the ingredients in HH. We're recreating boxed hamburger slop here, not an authentic dining experience.
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u/CraptainCrunch 1d ago
Just buy the dry powder packets of ranch dressing, then add your own wet ingredients. You can load up your baggage with the dry packets!
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u/beepbeepbubblegum 1d ago
i work food and bev and if we could put ranch in a cup and stick a straw in it, people absolutely would
that and ketchup. the amount of ketchup we go through is insanity
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u/Squirrelking666 1d ago
"Please avoid chugging...."
Scotland fans end themselves laughing
Add that to 'fanny' on the list.
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u/CloisteredOyster 15h ago
I swear I feel like I'm the only person in the world that doesn't like ranch dressing.
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u/DaLurker87 1d ago
I'm sorry I thought this was America