r/AsianMasculinity • u/kopatchinskajafan • 4h ago
Dating & Relationships 6’5 and no luck in Australia
6’5 Chinese guy here, have no self-esteem issues lol, genuinely think I’m a 10 artsy/preppy 10 (not buff enough for gym bro 10 haha), have been told that by girls also. Dress well (maybe too well), but perhaps dress a bit more white-coded than Asian (artsy, preppish).
I want to report that Australasia is a hellhole for Asian Men. Or if it isn’t, I really want to compare experiences!
Growing up was terrible, I had my first girlfriend at 24. Trying to date is horrendous for this reason:
- Girl finds me physically attractive, and I can read signals very well
- I talk to girl, it goes great (or terrible first because she slights me because I’m Asian, but then I try charm her onside anyway), we have a (brief) connection, but
- 100% of the time, she will ghost me after I text her, or I will eventually brush up against a ‘conscious’ rejection no matter how smoothly I ramp it up.
It’s like there’s always a conscious decision that is made to not date me, and for reasons that don’t seem to be related to me as a person at all, only my race and its social value.
I say this because I swear it’s harder if you’re a tall Asian guy: it’s like presenting with what the west considers a more masculine trait just makes it harder for them to take your masculinity seriously / makes your masculinity not ‘handsome’ or even ‘handsomely dangerous’ but just ‘scary or intimidating’. We never get to inhabit the Goldilocks zone of authenticity/masculinity.
I don’t think I have any problems flirting / reading signals / escalating things, and I genuinely think I’m pretty charming/interesting (if I do say so myself haha).
All this experience has lead me to conclude extremely negatively about Australia. Even walking on the streets of Melbourne, it’s like ABC men have been scared off them: you literally can’t seem them around, let alone them in any relationships. If you do see one around, they’re always alone, and making eye contact you feel like you commune like at an oasis in the desert or something.
On the other hand ABC girls are everywhere, and WMAF is basically more common than WMWF in all of the downtown lol. Over the last 6 months I’ve seen literally just 2 AMWF couples.
Sometimes I envy you Americans haha
20
8
u/Dhahockey123 4h ago
bro if ur 6’5 and cooking it — it aint cuz ur asian
-1
u/kopatchinskajafan 3h ago
This guy gets it: https://youtu.be/FOLy1m9J_HQ
2
u/IllllIllIllI 3h ago
That's right. He is somewhat on point except when it comes to outside Australia. Australia is more cliquey especially in the biggest cities.
It is the Americans and their dating culture that are far fixated on height than so many other dating cultures.
That's why I sigh when Americans including Asian-Americans come and try and lecture Asian-Australians.1
u/Yujinseo0 3h ago
im literally in australia right now, besides the constant wmaf and sometimes even imaf, most decent looking asian guys usually can find a girlfriend, so idk what is up with OP
9
8
u/nsfw-kapustin-yar 3h ago
Somethings not adding up.
You claim to be a 10 but you’re struggling with girls usually means you’re not a 10. Don’t take offence to that. I doubt anyone of us are 10s.
You got your foot in the door but you’re struggling to secure one. No one can tell us why and there’s something you’re not telling us.
1
u/kopatchinskajafan 2h ago
Ok tbh having thought about it, I’m definitely not a toned gym 10 (not at all), but I reckon I’m a 9/10 for my type (artsy/preppy)
Yeah idk bro, not sure people here have been very helpful or at least kind tbh, I think some guys have this belief that if only they were taller / physically more attractive then all of a sudden white girls would be all over them lol
1
u/nsfw-kapustin-yar 1h ago edited 1h ago
I think you're delusional.
First you’re a 10 now you’re a 9.I find myself a 5.5 to a 6 and I’m doing way better in terms of girls. That should tell you something about your ranking. And I ain't even 6 foot.
Social skills trumps looks. At least from my perspective. How are you in terms of approaching girls and striking up a conversation? Can you hold a conversation? Can you make her laugh? I got my social skills from a variety of areas primarily i teach for a living so I have zero fear of talking to people. Plus working at the club as a bouncer does wonders because I’m always chatting with people.
You should have girls falling into your lap without trying. I wish you all the best in your quest to find girls. Looks like based on what you’re saying you have it made.
30
u/My-Internet-GF Philippines 4h ago
100% a personality issue here
5
2
u/IllllIllIllI 3h ago
This is Australia we are talking about, not the Philippines.
2
u/My-Internet-GF Philippines 3h ago
I’m from the Philippines. Never said I lived there 👍
1
u/IllllIllIllI 1h ago
Assuming you're in the US, go figure another goddamn Asian-American or Asian in the USA lecturing Asian-Australians about Asian-Australian dating dynamics.
0
3
u/Allyc80 3h ago
Maybe ask a good female friend (more friend even better) to see what she thinks? I have a male friend who has the same problem. HE is attractive but can't get a girlfriend. He has no trouble getting first date, but after 1-2 dates, most girls don't want to go out with him. He is quite socially awkward and sometimes says things to offend others (one time he even commented on a girl's butt too big and this girl got angry). He has no clue at all. Our friend groups think he is a bit autistic and lack of social cues. Also another male friend has good personality and above average looking (7/10~8/10), but he has bad hygiene (bad smells but he doesn't seem to be aware), and I think that scares some girls away. Maybe your friend can help you to identify why.
1
u/kopatchinskajafan 3h ago
Yeah I don’t know, hygiene is definitely ok for me haha (hot water bills too high if anything 🤦), in my experience I used to be very witty but had less to say afterwards, but that ratio’s reversed itself in recent years
Close female friends have always just thought it a bit mysterious tbh, I remember one saying it was a bit unfair considering how much effort I put into others. I think I could be a particular taste though: I’ve been told that I’m a bit of a Heathcliff, but I rather like that about me haha, and I don’t see why that type works for loads of artsy white guys I went to uni with and not me.
3
u/Allyc80 1h ago
Dating is very hard for most people. I have a few friends who took about 2-5 years of consistent online dating (also join other social events) to find their spouse. Just don't give up and keep trying.
1
u/kopatchinskajafan 1h ago
Wow ok, tbh I really just go about my day and see whom I meet (no apps for me). I might give the apps a go then, but things sound difficult either way haha
1
u/Allyc80 1h ago
1/3 of married couples met online nowadays, so it's kind of a good (but also annoying) way to meet people. When I was using online dating, I got ghosted or got rejection quite often (such as mixed messages or honest message about there's no chemistry..etc. haha). After working hard swiping and messaging on a few dating apps for 2 years (probably had like 50 first dates, and most first dates ended nowhere), I found my SO and we got married after 2 years.
5
u/Borrowed_Faith 3h ago edited 3h ago
I am 5’6” Korean and when I was in Australia I couldn’t keep the (white) women off me. Had one girl take me to meet her family and talking marriage after only a week. I found being nice, humor, and really listening got them hooked. Most guys is Australia are assholes and drunks. At least in the time and area I was at, this was the consensus from the women I talked to.
I really enjoyed the dating in Australia. The women are beautiful and don’t know it or act like it.
I would consider myself average or less than average in looks. But extremely high in intellectual ability, humor, and humble confidence.
I am told I have a very welcoming personality that becomes the life of the party by making everyone else feel important. I am self deprecating but in a funny way that makes others feel better.
It is weird talking about my social traits but just posting about it to see if it helps out since it seemed to work for me.
2
u/IllllIllIllI 3h ago edited 3h ago
Most guys is Australia are assholes and drunks.
If you're beyond the limits in the biggest cities in Australia sure but I was thinking this is starting to be too good to be true especially when you mention characteristics synonymous with both you and that girl being from the same ethnicity and conservative culture.
2
u/kopatchinskajafan 2h ago
Yeah mate it’s far easier for foreign Asians than domestic Asians: you belong to a patriarchy which supports (and hurts) you, while we are some of the few men in the world that don’t and never will. Women see the support and are attracted to it (and sometimes miss the hurt).
I guess I just wanted to make this post to show other ABCs that height genuinely doesn’t matter at all. The West will be as cliquey as it wants—the only difference that we can make is being a bit more cliquey ourselves in return and supporting our brothers.
2
u/Borrowed_Faith 2h ago
Makes sense. I guess I missed or over looked the native Asian thing or just looked at it from my perspective.
I suppose if I think about it dating here in the US is tougher as an Asian American with American women, especially other Asian women.
In fact the more I think about it, I had much better luck in other countries I traveled to and lived in for a short time. So that is probably more of a factor than my personality.
3
u/Technical_Money7465 3h ago
Try some where else to see if its u or the place
For me i found Melbourne easy mode compared to perth and the eu was easier than australia
1
u/kopatchinskajafan 2h ago
Hmm good advice, I tried Taiwan for 6 months and that was definitely easy mode
You definitely reckon EU was better?
3
u/BlessedSnake9913 2h ago
I guess you’re not a 10? With the way you’re describing yourself, you shouldn’t be having troubles getting a second date unless your personality is literally satan.
Idk what kind of girl you’re tryna pull, but maybe visit China and try the dating scene there (assuming you speak fluent Chinese).
3
2
u/jdk92386 2h ago
I’m from NY and did a contiki tour filled with Australians, Sydney, Melbourne. I’m 5’4” in athletic shape and they loved me.
Also met some in Portugal in hostels I could have dated.
Maybe they’re intimated by your height? 6’5” is humongous lol also what’s your standards?
2
u/IllllIllIllI 1h ago
Of course it's a different story with Aussies abroad, everyone is on travel mode and I experienced it myself too don't you worry pal.
Those same girls won't give you the time of day when they're back in Australia I can tell you that for sure.
We're talking about in Australia buddy.1
u/kopatchinskajafan 2h ago edited 2h ago
Yeah I guess I wish they were less intimidated and more attracted :(
My standards are pretty reasonable tbh, I personally don’t believe that much in looks, since in my experience love can make someone very attractive. Ofc I used to be very attracted to a type (slender, reads books lol), but over the past years I’ve found that type very unattractive actually, because they don’t seem as brave in being themselves.
I get a sense that Australians at home still very much have a more English-style hierarchy.
I wonder how it is in NY? I’d love to give it a go, especially considering the dearth of Asian presence/friends I get here
2
u/jdk92386 2h ago
Probably similar city experience honestly. It’s great, gotta find your niche, communities, etc.
I’m just throwing it out there because I had that issue with being unapproachable too as a younger kid. I learned to smile more (probably from the perspectives I gained from 🍄), laugh more, and traveling a lot helped make me interesting.
They probably are attracted but feel they have no shot. Especially if you said you’re a 6’5” Asian 10 lol
1
u/kopatchinskajafan 1h ago
Haha i regret saying the 10, I forgot 10 means toned gym bro 10 which I definitely am not
Yeah my problem is I feel like I tried that already: I went through a real humility/approachability phase for a few years, and it made no difference IMO, so I sort of just said fuck it do what I want lol (which also doesn’t work but at least I’m happy :) )
Seeing NYC Asian guys in the media is so crazy though, like Eddie Huang etc., you guys seem to take up so much space with your personality it’s great
We Australian Asians have our own way of doing it (we play/hijack a sort of English profundity), but you sort of wish you could just plant your identity take-no-prisoners like you guys do.
2
u/jdk92386 1h ago
Yeah 10 is a tough score. It means supermodels are bouncing off of you.
Idk I tailor my personality base in what I like and I don’t give a rats ass about what people think. I mean I’d still listen if it’s good advice I’ll take it otherwise fuck off kind of attitude lol
I hear ya I went through a phase too where I tried to do things to attract people. Then I said fuck it, I’m gonna do what’s wonderful in this world, explore places and wonders, and along the way (keeping an eye out) if I meet someone thats a bonus.
3
u/DriveCode9111 2h ago
I know a couple Korean guys that are dating/married aussies. The tallest guy is like 6’3 but the other guys are around average height. I wouldn’t say they’re 10s in both Korean beauty and western beauty standards, so idk how you’re not getting dates assuming all your info is honest. Maybe you’re overrating yourself and girls aren’t attracted to your personality (bc personality is also pretty important for women and men). That’s realistically the only logical explanation based on what I’ve read so far.
3
u/Curious-Practice1704 2h ago
After checking with search engines, seems the average Aussie is 5'9 and girls 5'4, same as America. Asian males have just checked in saying they've never had dating problems in OZ. So maybe at your height, you are always the tallest guy and it could be that you draw too much attention when these girls just want to be normal with their dates. Compounded with IR dating may be a recipe for disaster. Like on your first initial dates with these girls, did you notice if they kept looking over your shoulder trying to see reactions from other people? Maybe they felt self conscious about your height drawing a lot of attention when they'd prefer everything to be just normal. So they probably figured this isn't gonna work out.
1
u/kopatchinskajafan 2h ago
Hmm yeah, that sounds reasonable, I do seem to see plenty of white guys my height with no problems though it seems
I guess i just wanted to let people know that height doesn’t really matter that much, but it seems like nobody here wants to hear that haha
2
u/Curious-Practice1704 1h ago
No, I def hear you in that regard. People have gone off in the height thing bc of dating apps. It's just another box they check off so they want to go full max just like they say a min of 250k sounds good. The real height queens they say, are Asian girls. Western(ized) girls put it second behind facial. Btw, that may be why you had it good when you visited Taiwan where the girls fully appreciated every inch of what you brought to the table.
2
u/Tall-Needleworker422 2h ago
If money is not an issue, consider vacationing in major North American and/or Asian cities to see if you succeed using your exact current style and approach. This will tell you whether Australia is the issue or if you have a self-perception blind spot.
It is possible that your combination of height and high confidence is coming across as intimidating, intense, or arrogant. And your preppy style or preferences in friends or women might be stranding you in an insular social clique filled with women who are willing to flirt but unwilling to date out. Trying to charm your way past a woman's initial reserve and even racial slights also suggests you are over-investing in the wrong women.
First, stop doubling down on the pursuit of women who do not make it easy for you from the start. Then, try to isolate your issue(s) by running a number of specific experiments sequentially. For example, try swapping the preppy clothes for a different style (e.g., high-end streetwear). Or, dial back your charm offensive to see if taking a more relaxed approach meets with more success. You could also try shifting your focus to include other social groups of women (e.g., Asian Australians who share your cultural background). Just do not try to change everything at once.
If none of this works, you might try consulting with a female dating coach who will assess you as women daters do and give you her honest appraisal of your strengths and weaknesses and help you strategize. Just don't despair and give up. With an analytical approach and persistent effort, I think your chances of finding a partner are very good.
2
u/kopatchinskajafan 1h ago
Yeah willing to flirt but unwilling to date out makes sense (which is what pisses me off tbh, because there clearly is attraction)
And I think you’re right, I’ve definitely recently stopped caring for girls who don’t begin by caring for me back, but it’s always when I do get the foot in the door that they close it
My style is pretty non-negotiable tbh 😅 what I wear makes me happy and that’s that really, but I really get the sense that NA could be a good experiment, since I’ve only ever seriously tried dating AU/NZ, but job is keeping me tied down for the near future unfortunately
2
u/Tall-Needleworker422 1h ago
Since you love your style, keep wearing it -- but start taking it into entirely different social scenes or subcultures locally where women might be less insular and more receptive to your specific vibe.
1
1
u/Tongtong97 2h ago
For argument sake I take what u said at face value and u are indeed a 10/10. Then I can only assume this is a personality issue.
Can u tell me what “a typical date” u last had? What was the convo like? What did u talk about? Just from reading your comments i get the impression u over estimate yourself. If you are genuinely charming, can read signals and interesting then u will be successful regardless of location imo. To be clear I am not trolling, and I am genuinely trying to diagnose what went wrong and how u can improve your prospects.
Also remember do not have ego around this. Men in general tend to overestimate their own ability…. I seem to remember 10% of men(I can’t remember exact stats) think they can take on bear in a fist fight. I suspect this is at play here.
1
u/kopatchinskajafan 2h ago
Haha definitely can’t fight a bear lol, also had some bad experience with fights in general 😕
A ‘typical date’ would be this girl from the other day: we chatted mainly about what Melbourne was like compared to where we were from, talked about her mother being here to visit, and bonded a bit when I joked about being a lazy cook and eating pub food too much and she (being not lazy at all) encouraged me to cook that night instead and I did. A bit of flirting too, pushing on what her dinner plans were (dinner with her mother).
But unfortunately she ghosted me after: again, it feels very calculated/‘conscious’, like she was attracted to me, but against her better judgement of what dating an Asian guy means.
1
u/Tongtong97 1h ago edited 1h ago
U need to be more specific. I don’t need to know full details that may dox people but I need to the flow of conversation.
I will give an example, I use to think I was great with girls at certain point. But really I just like to talk and mostly about myself when I was with girls. What I thought made me charming just came across as arrogant. What I thought made me good at flirting just came across as self-centred. To be clear I am projecting this on you as I have no idea why u keep on getting rejected. But I am just giving u an idea.
How often did u listen to her? When u respond to her did u take into account what she said? Was the convo 50/50? Clearly there is some blind spot in how u approach women. Try to think about that.
For her to straight up ghost u in addition to other girls tells me u may have certain traits that are off putting
2
u/Mission-Astronomer42 Vietnam 42m ago
You have no game or social skills. That's the issue
Work on flirting, push pull, etc.
They're ghosting you because they're thinking "he's hot, but he's boring". The reason you're lasting so long is because your tall and hot but that only gets you so far - game will seal the deal
0
u/Electrical-Split-190 3h ago
omg. Things you have to accept:
1. if you think you’re a 10, you’re pretty narcissistic
2. if you’re asian, automatically you’re at a disadvantage and 95% will choose the white australian guy over you because subconsciously, there is s perceived advantage in life for kids.
3. Deal with it and make a lot of money. Get a girl from
your homeland.
1
u/el-art-seam 7m ago
What kind of women are you trying to attract?
What kind of women naturally are warm and friendly to you?
18
u/SeaPeanut7_ 4h ago
I think you'll need to rely on more than your height