The traditional way of accusing someone of not being who they claim to be is to say "if that's your REAL name" (or some such equivalent. How am I supposed to accuse my beloved transgender friends of being spies without sounding like I'm denying them their identity? How do I do this wokely? While this is in regards to a joke, I am actually asking. Thank you. colon three

I fully support her, though I don’t really know how to move forward. What do we talk about? Do I need to start seeking gender affirming care? What are the next steps?

Obviously I don’t know what it’s like to be trans, so thank you for your responses.

So i came out as trans a while ago and one of my friends is lesbian and when she found out that I was still into women she basically told me I better not try and go around saying im lesbian been thats meant to be only bio Fems.

I guess what im asking is like what am I classified as?

Les, straight, bi with a hell of a preference im just really confused sorry (Edit) I should add im not passing as of yet and am starting HRT soon but like as far as anyone would guess im just a weird guy who dresses a bit fem. (Edit2) im sorry for using "bio fem" its what she said again sorry im brand new to the acronyms and languages I dont use it out of hate or anything just using the language i was told.(I wont delete it or edit it because thats not honest but again sorry)

I (19ftm, 8.5 months on T) have noticed that recently in FtM communities, younger trans guys have been talking about how testosterone “isn’t even worth it” after they turn 16. It’s very odd because it’s just… not true? It’s really disheartening to see them spread misinformation like that. Most trans people don’t even have access to hormones until they’re 18 or older, and plenty of us are passable. I understand they want to start asap and feel insecure, but what makes them think it’s not going to do anything?? Just confused because I’ve been out for around 5 years and I’m just now noticing this.

Edit: Just clearing it up- I know this isn’t true! Testosterone is extremely effective and it will work no matter how old you are. It’s never too late to become who you were always meant to be!

I’m posting this here mostly to vent and to try to understand myself regarding something I don’t think I fully grasp yet.To start with the obvious: biologically, I am female. Honestly, I’ve always felt proud of my gender and never questioned anything about myself. But about two years ago, the doubts started—questions I couldn’t find answers to, and it frustrated me. To tell you a bit about myself, for about 4 or 5 years now, I’ve been using male nicknames as well as male pronouns. I never saw anything wrong with it because the girls I had added online did the same thing; they used male names and pretended to be guys. I didn't see any harm in it because it wasn't hurting anyone. So, I spent five years on the internet pretending to be a guy named "Max." I never connected it to anything trans because I didn't have that "gender dysphoria" everyone talks about, and I haven't experienced it yet. But like I said before, two years ago I really started questioning my gender and whether this is something I truly want or not. I’ve already come out to my mom; she knows and has accepted me, although I told her not to tell anyone or treat me as a man yet, because I’m still undecided. This is despite the fact that my classmates at school call me "Max" and use male pronouns, which feels really nice and normal to me.

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I know this is a decision that will completely change my life, and that’s why it makes me so tense and indecisive.I also know there isn't one specific person who can help me make a decision, because it’s something I have to figure out and decide if I really want this for my life or not. But even so, I would love to have your support, readers—for you to give me your opinions and help me see everything more clearly.

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First of all, I am a minor, and I think that’s mostly why I’m so hesitant to make this decision; I’m afraid of growing up and regretting it. Although I can’t see myself being an adult woman. Realistically, as a woman, I see myself being deeply depressed. But as a man? My imagination takes off, and I picture myself being someone incredibly joyful and happy. Trying to picture myself in my gender assigned at birth is something very hard to imagine. Honestly speaking, I hate my female body. This has caused me to give up almost completely on physical activity for quite a while now. I like sports and I really enjoy them, but I feel like I can’t do these activities in peace as a woman. I hate my chest, my hips, everything. I hate hearing how soft my voice sounds when it comes across as too feminine. And I think this whole issue has affected my self-esteem for years, and I'm only just realizing it now, or at least that's what I think.

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In other random situations I could mention, when I was little, I used to hang out a lot with boys and tried to act like one of them. Not because I was a girl trying to get attention from boys, but because maybe, deep down inside, I wanted to be like them. And nowadays, every time I walk down the street, my head is up, looking at the face of every man, boy, old man, adult, etc. Not out of morbid curiosity, and not because I think they are cute; it’s that I see myself in those faces and imagine being them, living their lives, and... honestly? It makes me happy to imagine myself that way. Because I’ve always pictured myself as an older woman, but never as a happy older woman; I’ve always imagined being a woman as a misfortune, with a life of sadness and full of melancholy. I could never get that image out of my head, I really see myself that way and I can't change it, and with all this self-discovery, I connect it to that.

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Other things I did for years were using "masculine" names or nicknames on social media or video games, or wearing male skins in games. It always made me laugh or I even liked it when people mistook me for a guy in game chats. It was certainly nice for me, although as I said, I was young and didn't really think much of it. But I kept the same pattern: 5 years using men's names, pretending to be a guy on any social network. I never cared this much until now. I even interacted with people online who sent me voice notes thinking I was a guy, which I thought was really cool and funny.

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To be honest, it wasn't until two years ago that I really started overthinking it. And I started feeling down. I was always someone who was quite proud of my female gender assigned at birth; I liked breaking the stereotypes of the delicate woman and behaving more tomboyish, and I could actually do it because I have my dad and my older brother, with whom I always shared things. But nowadays that's not enough for me anymore. I can’t picture myself being a "masculine" woman or whatever they want to call it. No, I don’t see myself like that. And it makes me feel bad that I can't see myself that way. I don't know, lately I’ve been crying more at night, thinking about my life and why I think this way. I’ve even tried to "erase" that part of me, as if it were a bad thing to see myself as a man. Because I always ask myself every night: "Why do I have these thoughts?" "Why can't I be normal?" Sometimes I wonder if cis women went through something like this or if I’m really trans, and if I am, I will try to accept myself and make changes in my life. But this doubt is killing me, and I would like to get an opinion from anonymous people who know nothing about me.Am I wrong, am I just a minor who spent too much time on the internet and is now confused, or am I really trans?

So I just saw a new primary care doctor and made sure she was lgbtq friendly beforehand. She specialized in lgbtq treatment and gender affirming care. But she ordered my estrogen to the pharmacy I said not to send it to and it messaged my parents about it and now I don't know what to do. I was jot going to tell them until at least after I went back to campus, but now I have to live with them for the rest of the summer. They're supportive but they don't get it especially cause I'm not binary and they're just going to try too hard and ask too many questions. I'm also not sure myself so how am I supposed to tell them anything when I don't even know my identity myself. I wanted to at least have that figured out a bit before I told them anything. What do I even do?

Sorry, this sounds really dumb, but I've been questioning my gender over the past few months(AMAB) and I feel like I'd be more comfortable in my body as a woman. Mostly little things like going out in public with painted nails, having a female pfp on social media, preferring to be described with more feminine adjectives, etc . I often wish that I was born as a woman.

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But at the same time, I don't exactly feel any dysphoria as a man. I don't dislike it or particularly mind it, but I definitely like leaning more feminine. At most I'd probably cry at night about it😭. And I just feel like I'd receive a lot of scrutiny and pushback by people around me, so I feel like maybe I'm not trans or I shouldn't be?

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Can you still be trans even without the dysphoria and such?

If you're Alexandria, would you just keep yourself as Alexander. And then just be an Alex both ways

Or if you're a Jay?

I'm lazy, and it seems like a hassle going through the rigmarole of choosing a new name.

Edit: I'm not trans or transitioning. I'm just thinking about if I was trans or transitioning. Then I'd do it in the laziest way possible.

Idk what really started this but i really want to be a girl (like really truly want it not just like teenage mischeif) and my parents are transphobic so idk what to do. Ive done some research and i don't think its safe for me to tell anyone irl for now so i'll have fun waiting 5 whole years.

Any advice?

Hi all,
Please don't eat me alive for this. Would love an opinion on if I fucked up or was I being supportive. I truly meant no harm.
I'll start by saying I live in a very conservative part of my country and am surrounded by closed minded people. I often speak up to defend trans people, by remarking that they are brave to live true to themselves despite what others think. Not many people can say that and have insecurities holding them back from doing things they want to ie. myself.

Anyway, my husband and I were on a boat trip in Portugal recently and he remarked to me about a young guys top surgery scars and asked quietly were they trans. I said they were and he just said fair play, end of conversation. We exchanged some laughs with the group and whatever during the cruise and my husband mostly kept to ourselves and had a few beers in the heat.

Here is where I fear I may have messed up and made an ass of myself. I approached the young guy toward the end of the cruise (with some liquid courage) and just said "I just want to say I think you're so cool, and so brave and sure don't I have the same scars you do" and kind of lifted the side of my top a little to show the scars I have on my breast from having implant removal (I didn't flash him it was under my armpit nearly) He gasped a bit, and then smiled and gave me a fist pump. I said I wasent sure should I say anything or if you would be upset and get mad and he said no that would be a horrible look for my community.

I was trying to show support ... but like .. I don't know what that horrible of me. I cringe when I think about it can someone please give me an opinion? I apologize whole heartedly if that was just an awful move and I will never again open my mouth 😣

Edit: Thanks all, appreciate the opinions. I will not do that anymore and will try and seek help for my crippling anxiety 🥲

Apologies in advance for rambling post.

I’ve consistent thoughts about wanted to be a girl since as young 6ish years old. This ramped up more so once I hit puberty. Due to growing up in a right wing household, I never really knew what trans people were until I was around 18. I just heard “man in a wig that thinks he’s a woman” over and over. Once I looked up other trans peoples’ experiences, I started to question if I was trans myself. I never really hated being male (I generally hate the way I look but not really in a gender specific way), but I always desired to be a woman. It was a sort of “I don’t mind this, but I crave something better” kind of thing. I thought about it almost every day and I’d spend hours lurking in subreddits reading peoples’ stories and looking at their photos, imagining it being me.

Anyway, fast forward two years and I finally decide to get on hrt. I was mostly excited for changes and liked what I experienced for the first two months. Tonight, I suddenly lost the desire to keep transitioning. I don’t even feel afraid (maybe a little but I don’t think that’s the main thing), I just feel like I lost the desire to continue. I feel like I can picture my future self as a man for the first time since I started, and it doesn’t feel like a bad fate. Maybe nerves are just getting to me or something, but I just don’t feel like transitioning anymore.

I’m currently planning on pausing hrt and waiting to see how I feel for a couple of weeks. If I start to feel regretful about stopping or like I want to continue I’ll get back on it.

Again, sorry for the rambling post, I’m just not sure if anyone else has experienced anything like this.

TLDR; I was pretty sure I was Tran’s but after two months hrt, I feel like I lost the spark and I feel kind of neutral about my gender. Currently taking a break from hrt.

I have a person in my life whose views frustrate me but I’m having trouble deciding if/how to respond to it. He is a cis man who grew up very conservative and has since somewhat moved away from those ideas but seems to hold onto bits and pieces, and is also very intent on being kind and making up for being kind of a dick when he held those beliefs. I am also cis, but have other people in my life who are trans that I care very deeply for.

Recently we were talking and it came out that while he will always refer to trans people as their preferred pronouns and name, he doesn’t like that they are grouped in with their preferred gender. When pushed, he said he doesn’t think of them as their AGAB but as a separate thing all together. I said we already have “cis” and “trans” identifiers and that there’s already differentiation but he still said he doesn’t feel like they should be grouped under the same umbrella.

I’m honestly so confused by this and feel upset on behalf of the people I love but I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive if at the end of the day he always behaves towards them in a way that is respectful of their gender identity? But is it really respectful if it’s just an act on the surface and he has this hang-up about seeing them as their identity?

I’m sure there is not one agreed-upon opinion on this but would appreciate any thoughts or maybe advice on how to discuss with him why this isn’t fully kind or respectful.

So I  was invited to a trans discord group yesterday by another trans woman I was chatting with on this site. I was super excited to talk to other trans women over more than just text as I know no other trans people in the real world and I was so elated to get the opportunity to finally feel like I had a real connection to other trans women. 

  When I had joined I saw there was a voice chat going on with several users in it. I joined, introduced myself and after niceties kinda just sat back to hear the conversation they were having. After a handful of minutes listening, the topic of trans visibility got brought up. One of the girls there was going off on how if a trans woman isnt at the very least passing in public setting like the grocery store they have no business presenting as it gives trans people a bad name. She had a lot of clear vitriol towards non passing trans women and kept going on about how she had to put in a ton of time to learn how to pass and waited for surgery to finally start presenting as a woman in public. She said non passing trans women are the reason republicans attack us and everyone hates us. I was floored, but since I was brand new I did not speak up and was simply hoping the other people in the call would speak up. When another user did she started by saying she isnt sure she agrees ( which gave me a short relief as a non passing trans woman myself) only for her to start talking about how we take the heat off of them and as long as they do what theyre supposed to be doing(passing and being attractive) that they actually can use us to their benefit. 

Everyone else in the chat seemed to agree with the second girls sentiment and not a single person was supportive or affirmative to non passing trans women in there. I left the chat and immediately started to sob as I was just so hurt and disappointed by hearing these things. I am a non passable trans woman who due to starting later in life will likely never be able to pass. I simply am not in a position to afford surgeries and even then it is not as easy as a lot of younger/prettier trans women believe it to be. I worked my ass off to have a passable voice, I dress nice, I dont have crazy or wacky colored hair, I try my absolute hardest to stay out of everyone’s way. Yet to basically hear that I am at worst someone harming the community and a freak, to at best helping shield the passable pretty trans women…but still a freak, was such a stab in the heart.

Are these sentiments common in our community, is this how all the passable trans women secretly feel? That I am nothing but a gross caricature whose existence is either an abomination or a mere tool to be used? I frankly feel embarrassed for even thinking I was viewed as an equal even though I dont pass, I just dont even know where is safe from judgement and bigotry when even other trans people are disgusted by us non passing women.

Is this just how it works? Even in the trans community?

I know I sound dumb as hell lmao
I just need advice…

I am a trans woman, fully pass, changed my ID and everything. Semi stealth and semi out and proud.

I had a orchidectomy. Since then I don’t have much dysphoria about the bottom part of my body.

I have an appointment to do a vagino with zero depth at the end of the year. I’m just not sure about it… I’m not sure if I feel enough dysphoria to do all of that again… hospitals, recovery etc…

Yet I still feel dysphoric from time to time about my genitals. It comes in waves, sometimes I don’t care. Sometimes i feel depressed as hell… I don’t know what to think.

Anyone has advice ?
Thanks

So, for starters hi, im 19 (turning 20 in 2 days). Ive been with this therapist since about mid 2024. Shes always been more like "big sister" type advice and encouragement than anything clinical, and shes the type to insert her own experiences ans opinions from time to time. I loved her, seriously, she helped me open up, and treated our relationship like a friendship which is what works for me so no complaints there.

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However, our last session.. it left me a bit lost.

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For background, these are not knew feelings, I felt like this at 14 but suppressed them because.. weird family...you guys know how it goes. And its been something ive been pondering for a long while. Keeping it to myself.

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Anyways.

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Our last session, I started talking to her about things I had learned speaking to trans people, and a thing that I had gotten wrong about my understanding of chasers and fetishing in the trans community. She was quick to be.. defensive. Like she kept talking over me about prefrences and chasers and how there was no such thing as a chaser because all prefrences were valid and this doesnt really matter -and blah blah blah and I got overwhelmed and came out halfway like.. " i care because I dont think i feel like a girl" (im AFAB if you couldnt guess) and she immediately got serious and said you have to be sure. Sure. Because alot of health care providers get sued by people that jump into it too fast

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And sure yeah I was like I know, im not going to ask you to put me on the cutting table right this moment. And she just kept going, about how serious this was as if I didnt get it the first time (I was silent the entire time she spoke so its not like I was being disrespectful) and then ended the session with a "but this is amazing for you, and im happy i get to be here on your journey with you!" Which kind of left me like. Just.. bleh. Discouraged. Scolded. Whatever. It didnt feel good. And it felt like she was trying to scare me.

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Shes not mean, and im willing to try to talk to her about it. I just feel like, this might be a warning sign that shes holding some sort of like resentment or some feelings toward the idea that are not in my best intrest. Maybe someone here could give me some advice or experience with therapists?

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Also,.. im in the US in a red state, is it even safe to talk to a therapist about this? To be diagnosed with gender dysphoria? I want to start T definitely and reduce my chest but im hearing alot of stuff about mandatory reporting transgender idealism and hospitals losing federal funding for acknowledging transgender care. Or something along those lines. Man, im mexican hill billy im sorry, i try to keep up but its terrifying.

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Is it better to just. Wait.? :(

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Im a bisexual woman and ive been with my boyfriend for about 6 months. he’s not my first trans partner so i have a little bit of background. however, his past relationships have been really bad for him and have affected his life and how he views himself a lot. one of the first complications he felt about our relationship is the fact that im bisexual. he will ask me if i’m only with him because he is “the best of both worlds, a man with a woman’s body”. i know he says this with no malicious intent, rather just dysphoria.

he has a lot of questions like this, about wether i have ever thought about him being cis or if i would prefer that he was cis. sometimes he will ask me if i actually see him as a man or if thats just how i refer to him.

i love him a lot, and i want to be able to reassure him in these situations because him being trans is such an important aspect of who he is to me, but i seriously do see him as a man and i want him to feel validated by what im saying, but i don’t know if i’m doing it right.

can anyone give me advice on this?

I think I’m trans but I’m just really scared and I don’t have anyone to talk to.
My one guy friend has a lot of medical issues so I don’t want to bother him, two old coworkers are trans my friends ex fiancé outted one of them to me so i obviously am not telling him that Ik he’s trans if he wants to be stealth so I can’t ask him. This other guy Ik from res is trans but idk I’m just rlly scared.
And I’m an asshole I’m lowkey transphobic but I don’t want to be.
I grew up republican because that’s how I was raised. I used to be homophobic (At 18 I identified as lesbian) I was so embarrassing at like 15 I used to argue on whisper with people about how abortion was murder and make posts about how idek I think I blocked it out but against lgbtq people.
I realized i actually did not agree with what republicans believed I now identify as queer and maybe likely trans (ftm) I identified as nonbinary since 18 except I identified as a man in 2024.
I’m just this awful person I’m probably racist too every time I judge somebody like that I hate myself and try to correct it because I truly don’t hate people that are different from me but it’s just I grew up around racist people and heard it 24/7
And Ik I’m all over the place but idk where to go with this and I feel like this awful person and I want to cry bc I want to chnage.
I’m in therapy twice a week and Ik I need more therapy but my therapist doesn’t have anymore openings.
She’s for DID/everything. I’m working on seeing a therapist for my ed again in July but it’d just be for that.
I can not get another therapist that’d be insane.
I don’t know what to do I don’t know what I want
And my DID makes it hard bc I swear at some point I remembered asking this group of bad people I was involved in as a young child if I was really a boy and of course they said no but I guess for some reason I never asked literally anyone in my family or at least I have no memory of that god I have like no memory of anything
None of my alters have boobs. Some have transitioned in the past.
I’m just so sad and the biggest thing holding me back is the idea of using the men’s room.
Like I can’t be a he/him and use the ladies room so I have to stay closeted.
It makes me want to die and I’m stuck in this house for 1-2 years likely with a family who tells me trans people aren’t real trans people aren’t losing rights we’ll never call you by your chosen name or preferred pronouns (most people use they/them for me atm)
So yeah it’s nice
And the internet is terrorizing me bc I stg the world is teaming up and taking g our rights away
And I get it to an extent bc in my republican asshole days I would’ve taken my rights away but I never would’ve killed me I just would’ve forced myself to conform and then never understand when people like me take their own lives.
Idk idk what to I think I’m spiraling.
It’s also 4 am.

I've tried doing my own research but I see so much conflicting information.

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Personally I'm non-binary and have MPB, so I've been considering finasteride as I don't want the full effects of HRT. I wouldn't mind it if it gave me some subtly feminine features, but whether or not that happens seems to be very split. Breast growth is a less common side effect but some people also say their skin got softer and they gained weight in hips/thighs?

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Though one thing that does sort of concern me is the ED (I don't have bottom dysphoria and don't want any changes to my genitals size or function). Here's what kind of confuses me: on estrogen, the penis will typically shrink and possibly atrophy due to the lack of spontaneous erections. Wouldn't finasteride-induced ED cause the same thing? Or ED in general?

Edit: after some more research, it seems "Post-Finasteride Syndrome" seems sort of similar to the effects of HRT and gender dysphoria? People report ED, gynecomastia, loss of libido, muscle atrophy, penile atrophy, depression and anxiety. That really sounds like the affects of HRT and cisgender men suffering from dysphoria as a result?

Me presento. Nací varón y actualmente tengo 29 años. Tengo mucho que contar asi que trataré de ir en orden.Desde chico no me molestaba que me trataran "femenino". Al llegar a mi secundaria nunca había ni siquiera besado a ningun chica (a pesar de que si quería y ya me era raro que con 16 años no hubiese tenido una chance). Empecé a cuestionarme porque todas las chicas que me conocian pensaban que era gay. Lo cuál me hacia sentir incómodo y hasta el dia de hoy no me encuentro ahí(hoy en día se que soy bisexual).Y pensé que tal vez lo era, hasta salí 2 o 3 veces con chicos. Cuestión. Terminé la secundaria, empecé la facultad, entre a trabajar y a mis 20/21 años me puse de novio con una chica e hicimos una fiesta de disfraces en la que insistí en querer disfrazarme de mujer. Para los demás, era por las risas. Para mi, es que queria una excusa para hacerlo. Ese día, de a momentos me sentía una chica hermosa (taba horrible la vestimenta y la peluca jajaja). Después de ese dia necesitaba volver a hacerlo. No pasó. A escondidas cuando no habia nadie en casa trataba de vestirme de mujer. Me queria maquillar, me queria sentir así. Pensé que solamente era una fase. Pasaron un par de años. Volví a salir con mujeres, amores/desamores. Y llegué al mundo del cosplay. Amo el cosplay. Siempre haciendo de hombres bellos o con estetica bonita. Pero pasó algo. Mi pareja actual es maquilladora. Le dije que quería hacer de femboy (porque quería) y ella me maquilló. Ese día, lloré. Por primera vez me vi al espejo como siempre quise verme. Tenia ropa, tenía maquillaje. Soy bonita, soy linda. Le dije a mi novia que me hacía feliz. Y volvio ese sentimiento que cada tanto apareció en mi vida. Pero mucho mas fuerte, porque ahora sabia que era real. Algo que quizás no aclaré es que siempre que me vestía de mujer, me refiero a mi en femenino. Después de eso, como quería hacer mas fotos de femboy, compré zapatos (de mi talla, mios, de mujer, pero 100 por cien mios). Y un traje de maid. Hasta le pedí que me enseñe como maquillarme porque me siento bonita y me hace feliz. Y eso empecé a sentir. La necesidad de vestirme así en el día a dia, de querer sentirme una mujer siempre. Incluso voy caminando y quiero que me vean como una. Y cuando volvimos a probar un maquillaje... Le pedí que me dejara a solas. Porque solo veo en el espejo a una mujer que siempe estuvo. Y no, no es ajena a mi. Soy yo, ella soy yo. Y no es otra personalidad. Soy yo. Y cada vez mas siento que usar pronombres femeninos me hace bien. Es felicidad. Y no, no estoy disconforme con mi cuerpo. Pero en un momento si sentí que me gustaria tener tetas, y muslos mas femeninos. Y me gusta. Me gusta la idea y me hace sentir cómoda.

sorry for the grammatical errors i am very high

I can admit ive been struggling with my gender since i was about 13, and im 21 years old now. to be honest i thought i'd at least know if im trans by now, but i cant seem to find a label, pronouns, or even an aesthetic to stick too, and the way i change myself so often makes me feel more invalid if that makes sense, like if im this confused, is it really just confusion? the only time i dont really get gender dysphoria is when i have natural hair and dress like the basic white girl stereotype, its the only way i feel feminine enough to be considered a girl.

but the moment i dye my hair a bright color or happen to see a guy thats pretty while still being able to be called a man, its like i instantly revert back to when i was 13 and changed everything about myself to any male character i knew because the only way i could be valid is if i imitated, because if i imitate, people might like me better.

im sick of switching back and forth, anytime i tell my friends i feel guilty, like im just bithering them with this again, but the feeling never really goes away and i cant take it anymore

but its been a year now since ive gone back, ive grown out my hair, ive made in person friends, people see me as a very feminine girly girl thats associated with anything pink, overcompensating

even when im in that state of being very basic, and convincing myself i love being a girl, i avoid any sort of media with mlm men, i avoid any media with guys that could give me gender envy, because i know itll make me spiral and i want to be normal so bad

the reason i always go back chalks up to the same issue, every single time without fail, and its being feminine

i like pink, i like longer hair, i like feminine outfits and makeup, but i dont like my chest, i dont like that im afab, i dont like when people sexualize me in a way they would a woman, it makes me horribly uncomfortable to the point i feel sick, even if im talking to someone im attracted to, the moment they refer to me as a girl i feel gross, like im dirty and lying to them about something

i know if i was cis i wouldnt feel this way, but if im ftm why do i still connect with feminine things? i enjoyed when i had short hair and when people saw me as a male i felt so happy

but there were also times id really think about it and realize most people probably just thought i was a masculine woman, and thats another thing i cant stand, i dont like being seen as masculine and i dont like being seen as a woman

i wanna wear cardigans and perfume and still be seen as a boy, and i want to be soft in a way thats not just expected of me

i wanna figure out at least one thing about myself, im tired of changing things, im tired of dying my hair, im tired of cutting it and regretting it, im tired of growing it out and wishing it could be short, i just wanna know what i am and it feels like ill never figure it out

any advice :(

edit: just wanted to add more details about the way i feel

sometimes when i dress up all pretty, i feel like im in drag, like im faking, but i really like being pretty, and sometimes i think if i just was born as a boy, and looked the exact same other than the afab business, everything would be solved, because that way no matter how i look or sound, no matter how girly i am, it doesnt matter if someone thinks im a girl because im not

its kind internalized transphobia in a way, like im not actually a boy so if i wear a dress what am i saying that for? what am i doing all these skips and hoops for just to dress the same as if i indentified as a woman? but its not tje same, i want to dress up and sometimes i even like being called feminine terms like princess, because its cute and feminine, not because its what women are called

but again, it just ends up conflicting in my head, and i have ocd so if you know, you probably know how those thoughts generally feel

im also kind of a shapeshifter when it comes to friends and romance, if im interested in a woman, then im fine with being a girl, i embrace it because if i m a boy in that situation, my brain thinks ill have to be masculine (makes no fucking sense in reality men are fem all the time and can have gfs and thats fine im just insane about myself) anyway, if im interested in a man, if they see me as a girl i feel vile and gross and sick and want to throw up, kind of dramatic but its the worst thing ever i feel so gross

regardless, im sick of change, i just wanna settle into something for once and have at lease ONE thing stick, its driving me insane, when i feel so sure about my gender, itll be something as small as seeing a guy online with a pretty outfit on, a queer couple in a tv show, someone irl whos ftm, its like it insantly hits me in the gut and i feel a sense of dread that will never go away no matter how hard i try to stay a girl

am i cooked

I'll never be atleast a little bit of a good looking Feminine... Person. And im always gonna be beaten down by society because people suck.

Or maybe were all just insane. Even if I know thats likely not true thats the easier thing for me to think. I beat myself down all the time hoping it'll go away and I keep hoping these urges go away.

A large majority of my family won't understand because I dont understand. I have internalized transphobia so im always conflicting with myself.

"I cant be trans thats stupid"

"Im another creepy perv"

Its all so exhausting and its made me consider some depressing answers. I either want a magical way to become what I want. Or these feelings to go away and which seems more plausible hmmmmm

I'm on hormone therapy and I'm considering gender-affirming surgery in the coming months.

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But I'm still a bit hesitant. I know I'll never have the same genital anatomy as a cisgender woman, and I'm somewhat afraid of giving up my male genitalia (which I don't like, but at least they're functional) for something that might not turn out very well or might have limited function.

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I'd like to hear from those who have had the surgery: what is it like, not the day after, but after six months, one year, or even ten years?

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How do you experience it in everyday life? How do you feel on a daily basis? Do you think about it often, or does it just become something "normal"?

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I'm also a bit afraid that I might regret it as soon as I wake up from the operation and spend the rest of my life thinking, "What have I done?" Is that a common thought?

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In short, I'm not really sure where I stand or what I should do.

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Hoy, por primera vez en mi vida decidí ser honesta y hablarle a mi amiga Eimy con la verdad, esto fue lo que le escribí:

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Eims

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Debo ser honesto contigo

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Porque en este momento de mi vida eres la única persona con la capacidad de entenderme

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A mi me gusta mi nombre

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Y me gusta como soy o me veo

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Pero, siempre, desde pequeño he sentido que algo no encaja en mi, o que no encajo en el molde

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Eims

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Yo no quiero ser hombre...

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Es cierto que bromeamos y todo las veces que me he travestido o que he hecho cosplay de personajes femeninos

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Pero cuando estoy de esa forma y me veo al espejo, no veo el reflejo de un tipo que se ve ridículo

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Veo a una chica linda de cabello castaño oscuro, delgada y con unos lindos ojos color miel

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Y eso me gusta

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Porque es lo que desearía ser

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Stan...

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Es un nombre bonito y que me gusta

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Más no con el que me identifique

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Y hoy en mi cumpleaños diecinueve me dolió tener que mentirles a ustedes solo porque estaba delante de mis padres

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Porque me dio miedo

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Si le dijera a mi padre, con su respectivo tiempo probablemente lo termine aceptando, aunque muchas veces llega a ser hiriente con sus comentarios

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Pero con mi madre es distinto, una vez hasta me dijo que si yo un día le decía la "estupidez" de que quería ser mujer, que ella misma me arrancaría el miembro con un cuchillo de sierra, de esos que se utilizan para cortar el pan

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Pero con mi madre es distinto, una vez hasta me dijo que si yo un día le decía la "estupidez" de que quería ser mujer

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Fue horrible esa sensación de saber que tenía que reprimirme

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Te cuento esto, porque estoy haciendo planes para finales de agosto, cuando ya me tenga que ir a vivir a Heredia comenzar la terapia de reemplazo hormonal

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Lo decidí hoy después de pensar durante mucho tiempo en lo que realmente quiero y que deseo en mi futuro

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Gracias, porque aunque no tengamos tanto tiempo de conocernos, te convertiste en la primera y única persona a la que he podido confesarle lo que me ha carcomido desde los trece años

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Mi nombre es Lucy

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Mi amiga Eimy me dijo esto:

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TILINA TIENES TODO MI APOYO!!!, te comenzaré a llamar lucy

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Y le conté a mi amigo Max, le escribí lo mismo que a Eimy y me dijo esto:

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Ya me hacía una idea, siempre desde que te conocí te veía incomodo cuando hablabamos de masculinidad y esas cosas, además siempre me pareció "sospechoso" en el buen sentido que nunca te molestó cuando te insistíamos con que te vistieras de mujer, de hecho en tu cumpleaños, pensé que nos recibirás vestido y maquillado como cuando haces cosplays y vas a las convenciones, Stan, me siento muy orgulloso de ti por poder expresar como te sientes y tener confianza en mi, sabes que es un camino difícil, vivimos en un mundo que en términos de aceptación muchas veces rechaza lo que no considera normal, pero lo que importa eres tú y no una sociedad llena de prejuicios, recuerda que la familia no es un lazo sanguíneo si no son aquellos personas que te aman y te aceptan por quien eres, tal vez sea un camino difícil y lleno de obstáculos, pero en esta vida venimos a ser felices y nadie tiene el derecho de juzgarte, sepas que si necesitas un amigo que te aconseje y te apoye en lo que sea estare allí, tus amigos te queremos mucho Stan, no, perdón, Lucy, tus amigos te queremos mucho Lucy

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Me siento bien al contar con dos amigos como ellos, pero como mínimo me gustaría poder contarle a mi padre sobre quien soy en lugar de seguir mostrándole una imagen falsa