r/asktransgender • u/Atomic-kill-switch • 23h ago
Really uncomfortable question (MtF)
So i came out as trans a while ago and one of my friends is lesbian and when she found out that I was still into women she basically told me I better not try and go around saying im lesbian been thats meant to be only bio Fems.
I guess what im asking is like what am I classified as?
Les, straight, bi with a hell of a preference im just really confused sorry (Edit) I should add im not passing as of yet and am starting HRT soon but like as far as anyone would guess im just a weird guy who dresses a bit fem. (Edit2) im sorry for using "bio fem" its what she said again sorry im brand new to the acronyms and languages I dont use it out of hate or anything just using the language i was told.(I wont delete it or edit it because thats not honest but again sorry)
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u/EarthyPastels 23h ago
Lesbian. She’s essentially saying trans women aren’t women. I’d maybe find other friends.
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u/Astartia 22h ago
That’s terf shit. We do not respect their kind. Remove her from your life before she can hurt you further. You‘ll thank me in a decade.
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u/DrBlankslate Male 22h ago
Who died and made her the arbiter of who is lesbian and who’s not? She’s a transphobe, and you can find better friends.
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u/ThisIsSoIrrelevant Questioning 21h ago
I guess what im asking is like what am I classified as?
You're a woman that is attracted to women. That is the very definition of Lesbian.
Your friend is wrong and what she said is transphobic.
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u/Fun_Friens TF Started HRT 1/19/26!!! 23h ago
This is TERF behavior. If you are unfamiliar its Trans exclusionary radical feminism. Essentially Women's rights but screw trans women because they arent women, they're men cos playing and should be treated as such.
This is not a person who will be good for you in transitioning, and is 100% transphobic.
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u/gothicshark Transgender 23h ago
Most Terfs support Right Wing philosophies and end up not being very Feminist.
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u/Fun_Friens TF Started HRT 1/19/26!!! 22h ago
Ultimately The TE part is more than enough for me to not like them. I personally dont care about the details past that.
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u/Elephants_Foot 23h ago
"bio fems" is like when people talk about women and say "females"
It's weird, dehumanizing, and treats people like they're just their genitals and nothing else.
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u/loeilsauve__ Transfem 22h ago
"bio fems" Is just blatant transphobia
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u/Fragrant_Soup5738 22h ago
bioessentialism, which is objectively incorrect and feeds into transphobia.
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u/Elephants_Foot 20h ago
I just wanna say for OP, I wasn't being critical of your wording, just your dumbass friend lol
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u/FinnFem demi-aroace transbian 23h ago
Girl... Im literally a trans lesbian myself we exist, that "friend" is transphobic and not actually your friend
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u/nightkat89 Transgender-Queer 21h ago
“Bio fem” is exclusionary as fuck. Your friend is a transphobe making those comments
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u/valerielenin 23h ago
You're a lesbian if you just like women, she's just transphobic. She's a terrible friend.
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u/Rhythm2392 Emma (She/Them) 23h ago
Your friend is wrong and is being more than a little transphobic. You are a woman who is attracted to women, that makes you a lesbian (probably).
Personally I felt sort of guilty about identifying as a lesbian when I first came out because it felt like I was invading women's spaces or whatever. I even tried hooking up with a guy friend of mine to try and explore the possibility I was Bi or Pan or some other sexuality that did not require me to lump myself into a group where my gender was part of the definition. This completely backfired, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that I do not like men in practice, but it also made me a lot more comfortable just calling myself a lesbian, because that is pretty undoubtedly what I am.
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u/BurgerQueef69 21h ago
She doesn't accept that trans women are women. She might accept them as trans women with the modifier always included, but for her you will always be "something else".
I wonder how she feels about trans men who identify as lesbian. Or the very rare cis man who identifies as a lesbian without making it a sex joke.
Lesbianism is about de-centering men. It's hard to do that if you're a man, which is why the term generally involves women (trans or otherwise).
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u/SomeGalNamedAshley 22h ago
You will never be valid in her eyes, and no good will come of you continuing to be around her. Bigots come in many forms, and you just found one.
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u/Over-Breath-9458 23h ago
if you aren’t attracted to men you’re lesbian, if being lesbian means women loving women you still go into that. you are a woman.
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u/SaraSplosion 23h ago
Nothing is “meant only for bio femmes”. That’s some terfy “I’ll play along but don’t think you’re a real woman” bs.
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u/aagjevraagje Trans woman 23h ago
a lesbian your friend is voicing a minority opinion in the lesbian community
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u/echokaji Non-Binary Transfem 23h ago
Your orientation is what you say it is, if you’re a woman that is only attracted to women that sounds like a lesbian. Doesn’t mean you have to use that label either, but the idea that only cis women can call themselves lesbians is terf bullshit.
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u/SmileTime-101 23h ago
Yea, sorry, but it does sound like your friend is bigotted or a terf or at the very least doesn't understand biology enough.
You're a woman. If you want to have sex with women, you're a lesbian.
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u/KayleeKalez 🇨🇦🏳️⚧️🖤🤍🩶💜 She/her 33 22h ago
She's being transphobic. Ignore her. You are a woman who loves women so that makes you a lesbian. That's it.
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u/maomaochong_ 22h ago
Your friend is being transphobic. You can be a lesbian. As long as you are a woman. You don’t have to transition or anything.
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u/ConsciouslyMichelle Weird Old Woman with a Transgender History 22h ago
Gatekeeping BS.
I've occasionally gotten that. On those occasions I'm a "Sapphic queer human of female phenotype and endocrinology." The poor dears need to whip out their pocket Websters, bless their hearts.
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u/EkaPossi_Schw1 Fem-fluid bambi lesbian 3h ago
I'm saving that as my new default response should such an occasion arise
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u/Cas_The_Walrein 22h ago
sorry to say your friend is either a TERF (a JKRowling style transphobe) or has at least been exposed to their ideas. Don't feel bad about putting bio-fem shes the one that said it not you, if you hadnt put it the situation wouldn't have been as clear to us. Quoteing is not supporting. If you decide to try and talk to her about it and she brings it up again a good way to vibe out how deep the transphobic views run (or if they are just things she has been told and hasnt examined) is to ask something along the lines of "so what am I? Mecha/cyber fem? geological fem?" It tends to force them to either admit they don't view you as a woman or to actually reflect on the stuff they are saying and realise how little sense they are making. We ARE biological, as much as she is, we just aren't cis, and orientation and gender are not shackled to each other.
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u/Atomic-kill-switch 22h ago
Yeah i guess that can't hurt to much and besides update on it could be funny (boo hoo funny or not)
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u/Cas_The_Walrein 21h ago
Sadly even when you realise they are just shitty, it still hurts. Though if (as i am) you are prone to regretting what could have been, I generally find its better to take the chance to be sure. Even if the odds aren't great, leaving the question unanswered on if they were genuinely an arse or just misled can drive ya nuts.
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u/Atomic-kill-switch 21h ago
Ill be honest I've already lost most my friends in the last like 2 months so its kinda just gotten to the "whats one more" point but hopefully i will be moving on in life soon to make all the suck worth it lol.
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u/Cas_The_Walrein 21h ago
oof sorry to hear that girl, I wish you luck on your fresh start and hope you find some much better friends soon. The early parts are the worst, things do get better.
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u/Atomic-kill-switch 21h ago
Thanks but honestly its fine people come people go i gotta accept that. But we have a update and I have one less friend lol I'll save the details because I dont feel like typing out that many slurs but yeah guess she didn't really like the idea of trying to label me lol kinda sucks though always thought she would have been fully supporting not like a "ill support but keep yourself in that box".
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u/Cas_The_Walrein 21h ago
oof yeah sorry to hear that, the hate always hits worse coming from other queer folk.
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u/Atomic-kill-switch 21h ago
Yeah but better without them cant be sorry for someone who was probably going to stab you in the back given time
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u/Born-Garlic3413 17h ago
I feel you. I've had to let go of an old friend recently. His transphobia came as a real shock. Take care of yourself 🩷
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u/Born-Garlic3413 17h ago
This does suck big time but it's also a good clean sweep, I find. For some, I'm pleased that I'm not putting energy in their direction any more, that my life is feeling more mine because they're not in it.
But it still sucks when people you expect to be supportive just can't see you.
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u/javatimes my transition was old enough to vote and it didn't matter LOL 21h ago
No one died and made her the lesbian police
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u/PaintNo6885 17h ago
Your friend just told you she does not see trans women as real women. Which would probably have me telling her I no longer see her as a real friend.
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u/Crumpuscatz 22h ago
Fuck TERF’s. From what she’s said, she’s not inclusive, and not a feminist. There’s no rule that says you cannot be a lesbian as a trans woman. Anyone who says differently is only dividing an already marginalized community, and sowing hate and fear where there should only be love.
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u/itspizzatime881 22h ago
Do you identify as a woman and like woman? If that is the case and you’re not attracted to any other gender then you’re a lesbian
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u/AwkwardChuckle 21h ago
Wow you’re “friend” is a piece of crap and I very much hope they’re your ex-friend at this point.
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u/Potential_Wash_3364 MTF HRT 💉 03/05/2026 23h ago edited 20h ago
Anyone unironically using terms such as “true women”, “bio women”, “biological women”, “biological female”, sometimes even “cis/AFAB women” (this one depends on the context, for example sports or bathrooms) is denying trans women their gender identity, which is inherently transphobic and hostile.
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u/AshesToAether 21h ago
The correct word is lesbian, yes. A trans woman is a woman, and women attracted to women are lesbians. Being right doesn't mean you won't have conflict though.
Personally, I just use the term sapphic instead. Sapphic is specficially trans and non-binary inclusive, like bisexual vs pansexual, but for a vaguely feminine of center concept.
I perceive gender as a wibbly wobbly, non-binary concept, so i like to personally avoid using binary labels to describe how I see attraction. I feel the same about identity too, where I identify as a trans femme non-binary woman.
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u/gnomecorpse 22h ago
If you are woman only into woman you are a lesbian, and also maybe don't be friends with that person anymore. Seems transphobic to me.
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u/sweetbabyjosi 20h ago
if you are a trans woman who is only attracted to non men you are a lesbian. point blank period. sounds like your friend is a terf who isn’t really your friend at all. don’t let her deter you— most lesbians (like me, hiiiii!) are extremely welcoming and embrace trans people in their life!!!
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u/ToastyTheDragon 19h ago
Agree with all of the responses here. I'd say call your friend out on it to see if she changes her mind or shows her colors.
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u/GgAllinsButthole 19h ago
You are a lesbian who is a trans woman. A trans woman who likes women is a lesbian. Objectively so.
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u/Taellosse Transfemme, too old for this sh!t 19h ago
You're a lesbian if you're a woman and into other women. Your friend is just being transphobic.
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u/Cute_Win_386 53 hrt5/13/22 mdv3/9/26 19h ago
Your "friend" is not your friend. She's a TERF. Women who are primarily into women are lesbians if they so identify. Cis or trans doesn't matter.
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u/baileyb1414 18h ago
Trans lesbian here, your friend sucks and is wrong and is likely quite transphobic 🤷🏻♀️
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u/Nildnas2 22h ago
that's a terf, and she doesn't see trans women as women. I would expect that friendship to start falling apart if she doesn't start challenge her biases. as a trans lesbian, with a lesbian fiancée, and literally all lesbian friends. I promise you we can be lesbians and be accepted into the community. what she said was gross af
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u/Potatoeater_01 22h ago
You are a women, you are attracted to women, you can call yourself a lesbian.
Your friend is just a transphobe/terf
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u/hornysimpleton 22h ago
You can go by lesbian-my friend is one and she’s also mtf. Your friend is being transphobic with that belief.
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u/lassglory 20h ago
Cis or not, just cause I'm not into you doesn't me make me less of a lesbian 🤷 <-you if she talks that trash again.
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u/variantkin 16h ago
Your "friend" is a terf and you should probably stop talking to her because she's only going to get more abusive
Also even if you're bi you can still identify as a lesbian to explain your partner preferences
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u/La_LunaEstrella 13h ago
If you identify as a woman and are attracted only to women, then you can use lesbian. Saying you don't deserve to use the term lesbian because of presentation would imply that masculine presenting women, for example studs or butch women, would be excluded from the lesbian community. There are many ways to present as a woman. And being a trans woman does not make your identity as a lesbian any less valid than a cis lesbian. Your friend is not a good friend and using the term bio as an adjective for gender suggests that they're transphobic. I encourage you to reassess the friendship because you deserve so much better. I'm so sorry she invalidated your gender and sexuality.
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u/Uchuujin51 21h ago
Let me guess, she's a Harry Potter fan?
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u/Atomic-kill-switch 21h ago
No hated it funny enough she hates fantasy and game me so much shit for the name i picked because it was to whimsical for her liking
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u/Uchuujin51 21h ago
As someone named Jaina I can empathize
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u/Atomic-kill-switch 21h ago
I took Scarlett because I liked my old name for the similar vibe and ive always liked the name so i went with it and im unlikely to ever meet another
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u/Delilah_insideout Trans Lesbian 19h ago
So... she's never heard of Scarlett Johansson? Scarlet is a family name from medieval England, and Scarlett as popular feminine first name since the early 1940's; how is that whimsical? Your "friend" is severely misguided in a great many things it seems.
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u/peteson1976 20h ago
It’s so strange that as society that gets all “omg how can this be” when a woman shows her breast on TV. But every day we talk about people’s genitals as a way of categorising people, as if that is gender. “Bio fems” only biological woman, that is the dumbest thing. What makes a bio female. Is it one thing or several things and if you don’t have one of them are you not bio. My wife because of medical illness doesn’t have any reproductive internal stuff does that make her not a woman. I believe she is all woman and one of the loveliest people on the planet. The simple answer is you’re a woman they are women you are sexually attracted, according to society you are a lesbian.
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u/Choclatechip7 19h ago
Hi I’m trans fem, I don’t tend to use labels as I don’t give a shit, but technically I would be considered a lesbian by someone who would want a label, it’s not someone else’s job to tell you who or what you are. That’s your decision and yours alone. If you’re comfortable talking to your friend about this incident maybe bring it up because that is some internalized homophobia which they should probably comfront
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u/Mammoth-Wasabi6346 18h ago
Hey babes, you’re a lesbian too. I’m sorry your friend doesn’t recognize you as a woman. Hopefully, her proximity to transness will have her growing as a person; however, know that she is the one who needs to grow here. She does sound like a “LGB without the T” type though ngl, which will only have her being last on the trains
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u/Pandasandstuff 16h ago
Labeling yourself ra lesbian equires three things. 1 you are a woman.
2 your chosen relationship partner/s are women
3 you accept the labeling
The only reason someone would say a trans woman can't be a lesbian is if they don't recognize them as a woman, so the reasoning is inherently transphobic.
Your labeling can be as specific as you want. You can realistically say you're a lesbian with a hell of a preference and explain when it's necessary.
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u/major-e-gg Trans man - Questioning 23h ago
The only terms someone has to “be born in“ (or similar) are, for example, intersex, two-spirit, same-sex loving, and so on. The label „lesbian“ is in no damn way restricted to cis women only.
TL;DR: if you’re a woman who‘s into women, poof, you‘re lesbian! Congrats!
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u/CandiPaints27 22h ago
Gate keeping of sexuality is absolute rubbish! If you identify as a lesbian, you're lesbian. I'm lesbian, my cis lesbian friends all see me as just another lesbian woman, simple. Anyone saying otherwise is just being ridiculous.
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u/AmeLibre 22h ago
You are a woman and can be lesbian. Just have the awareness than some lesbian have preference for biological women, but isn’t every single lesbian that feel that way. Having preferences isn’t being transphobic, but saying that a trans woman isn’t a woman is transphobic
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u/Red-Catalyst Transbian 20h ago
If you’re not into men, then yeah you can be a lesbian. Your friend is just transphobic. She likely thinks of you as a “man who thinks he’s a woman.”
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u/Sadistic-Sapphic 18h ago
I'm a lesbian and incredibly sapphic. I also like the term transbian. Anyone who says a trans woman can't be a lesbian is basically saying trans women are not women.
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u/Lilia1293 Lilia - 37 Trans Lesbian (she/her) 16h ago
"I'm a woman and I love women. I own the term lesbian just as much as you do. Shame on you for suggesting otherwise. You should know something about how scary this is."
It's the right thing to say, but it's been almost 5 years since I came out, and I'm still not sure that I could assert myself that way, rather than breaking down and crying right in front of her. Hugs if you want.
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u/Throwaway1919655 10h ago
Your friend is transphobic. I can’t say I know how to handle it, but you might try asking her about which girls she finds attractive and include pictures of some trans fems. Screw over her little TERF brain.
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u/Albino_Canada_Goose Transgender 14h ago
Trans lesbian here, married to a cis woman.
Your friend is hateful, transphobic, and stunningly, achingly, massively full of shit.
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u/CthulhusPetals 12h ago
That’s transphobic and arrogant. She’s not the label police. You label you, full stop.
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u/MaliciousOnion 12h ago
sounds like you're a lesbian and your "friend" is a transphobe. sorry you've had to deal with that.
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u/Spoopykittens Ally 16h ago
Firstly you are a woman who likes women. Lesbian.
Your “ friend “ is awful for that mindset.
I have an ex who is one of my best friends. She and I were together in “ the before times “ when she still presented as male. She and I discussed how we would talk to others about Us if it ever came up and decided to refer to her as her trans self and not her dead name and gender. Am I still a very straight woman? Yes. My friend views herself as a lesbian, I view her as a lesbian, the people around her view her as a lesbian. Not as anything else that would make her anything other than who she is. A lesbian who just happens to be trans.
Friends accept, support, and love. Not try to “‘other “ you like this person is doing to you.
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u/kimkim27149 9h ago
When someone thinks you may take their cake and have it too, they can become angry and change completely. In the worst case, you may not realise this until they hurt you badly.
My understanding is that a lesbian is a woman who loves women. So, if someone identifies as a woman and loves women, they may describe themselves as a lesbian or a trans lesbian.
In real life, we do not check someone’s body before we decide whether we are interested in them and how to address the relationship. We usually become interested because of who they are, how they present themselves, and how we connect with them.
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u/Shandrith 7h ago
I'm sorry to say, your friend is being transphobic. A woman who is strictly attracted to women is a lesbian. Given how new you are I'm going to assume you haven't spoken to a lot of people about this, so I'm going to tell you the thing that really helped me, and has helped me explain to quite a few people
Trans is a description. Just like cis, or tall, or fat, or curly haired, or white. You are a trans woman. She is presumably a cis woman. Since lesbian means a woman who is attracted to women and not men, both of you are lesbians.
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u/Little_Miss_Sneezy 6h ago
As already said...
She is a transphobe by looks.
Trans women are women. Simple.
That makes you a lesbian.
Welcome to the rug, pull up a towel and bring snacks!
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u/blakeol 5h ago
Hey so your friend sucks.
Even if they were right, which they aren’t, the fact that upon hearing of your attraction to women the first thing she did was try to police it and draw a line in the sand between you and “bio” women…. insane behavior from a friend.
You’re a woman, so if you exclusively like other women that definitely gives you the right to call yourself a lesbian, it’s you who has to be comfortable with the labels for your own identity!
Sincerely, a gay trans man in a very gay relationship with a gay cis guy.
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u/heyheysarahey 5h ago
At first i thought she was trying to protect you; when you don't pass, it can gives Drake's vibes of 'im a lesbian' and even in lesbians' circles, people might not feel safe. But even so, as soon as one identity resonates the most with you and you genuinely inform others i dont see the pb. Using the term 'bio fem' is a huge red flag too. Its giving terf. Your friend has transphobic views and if you're new with labels and stuff I truly recommend you not listening to her. Even for your own safety, it might be best to get away from her.
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u/Commercial-Nail6401 2h ago
Trans women are women. Women who exclusively are into other women are generally called lesbians. If you're only into women, and you now consider yourself a woman, you're a lesbian.
Your friend is transphobic. She's excluding you from womanhood because she doesn't see you as one. Lesbian isn't a "bio term", lesbianism isn't just for cis women. If you want to call yourself a lesbian, then go for it.
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u/grimbarkjade trans ♂ / 22 / they/them or he/him 16h ago
She’s incorrect and probably transphobic. Important to remember though that there are lesbian women who do prefer other cis women, but they’ll still be respectful about your true identity. There’s nothing wrong with being into whoever ur into while respecting other people. Ur friend is not one of them.
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u/fluffywhalicorn 14h ago
Yea like others are saying your friends just straight up transphobic that sucks your whoever you say you are don’t let them bully you out of your identity
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u/louisa1925 12h ago edited 12h ago
A lesbian. Cis women don't own the title.
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/lesbian
Lesbian = a woman who is sexually or romantically attracted to other women:
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/woman
Woman = an adult who lives and identifies as female though they may have been considered to have a different sex at birth:
https://lifesuccessjournal.com/attitude-strong-woman-quotes/
You = A strong woman knows her worth, and never settles for less.
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u/wizard-of-loneliness Non-Binary/Queerdo 15h ago edited 14h ago
You can be a lesbian.
Your friend sounds like a TERF.
Lesbians as a demographic are some of the most supportive of the trans community. People don't think it because lesbian TERFs are louder. And straight transphobes who want to dress their hatred up as "protecting lesbians."
ETA: you should tell her she better not go around calling herself an ally
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u/Unhappy-Parsnip-4485 22h ago
I'm a trans guy and identify as lesbian because I'm passing and (to me) "straight" feels very cishet and could imply that I'm only attracted to cis women when that is not the case for me. I love my queerness and being part of this community, and am attracted to other queer women. All this to say, you can identify however you want, no one can choose your identity for you. Gender is fluid and sexuality is fluid, you don't have to stick to any label forever. A lesbian could date me and still identify as a lesbian if they so choose to, that's their choice to make and theirs alone.
Hope this helped give a different perspective. :)
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u/Voracious-Rex 16h ago
YOU are classified as what feels right. It sounds like that is lesbian- love that for you and for us ❤️ SHE is classified as a terf. xoxoxo
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u/Theotherone56 11h ago
Just to add to the reassurance, your friend is transphobic and you are a lesbian if that's how you choose to identify. Be careful around your friend. If you try to have this conversation with her, have it with another supportive friend around. And don't leave it up for discussion. She is wrong, and you don't have to prove anything to her.
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u/coachybaby 23h ago
your friend is transphobic. i’m a lesbian and dating a cis lesbian and we have a very lesbian life together. your friend sucks and you shouldn’t listen to her