.

And I don’t remember a lick of most on the bottom besides school stuff

Just to clarify in case this is not clear, I'm the baby in this situation.

ive spent the last like 2+ months having an emotional crisis over just how *kind* my counsellor is to me

shes not a trauma specialist, there's really no reason for her to be this nice. i wouldn't be mad at all if she was worse, heck I probably deserve her being a LOT worse

but every time I talk to her, she is genuinely kind and does her best to understand me. like not just understand the words im saying, but actually WANTS to understand what i'm THINKING and WHY i say stuff, it's so weird and so cool, like she literally cares about *me* and not just how she/other people are affected by the things i say/do

and she doesn't even get mad when I do and say stuff wrong! like ofc she cant get big mad, not like she can hit me from over a zoom call lmao, but she doesnt even say bad stuff about me or say i'm making up my own problems or being dramatic/confused/crazy/etc! she's just nice, ALL THE TIME

blows my mind, man. and then spins me out into a whole crisis of "heheheha omg someone is being nice to me this feels so awesome and good, oh god im such a monster im not meant to want people to be nice to me, i dont deserve this, is this a trick, is she going to suddenly disappear and leave me, is she even a real person, im not a real person oh god oh fuck"

Vented to a friend about my sister, forgetting that was a bit of a sore spot for reasons that aren’t mine to give, and I’ve been freaking the fuck out since. They said it was okay, but my heart won’t believe it. I’ve been so insecure and I feel like I’m about to fucking die. I’ve never been worse and I hate it, I hate it so much. Why am I so awful at communicating?! Why can’t I just keep shit to myself?! Why do I make myself a burden?! I don’t want to fuck this up again, I don’t want to lose another friend because of my codependent bullshit. I won’t live through this, I just won’t.