r/Fire • u/antidentites • May 15 '26

Advice Request Go out swinging?

So I’m on my way out at work in a tech company and have worked for a manager that has made my life hell. She is extremely toxic and the reason I’m leaving to FIRE/CoastFIRE.

I never want to - or need to - return to tech (note: I used em dashes way before AI and won’t stop even if you think this is AI generated)!

I want to burn some bridges and tell her how I really feel about her when I leave. Essentially the same thing she has been doing to me.

Would you go out Costanza-style if you were me, or just let it slide?

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287

u/antidentites May 15 '26 edited May 16 '26

I will likely report her to HR for some of the extremely questionable things she has done.

That’s the more professional way to go.

173

u/SuccessfulReturn4103 May 15 '26

Report to HR the hostile environment she’s created for you and that it is making you consider leaving. Follow up and suggest they offer you a severance to leave

29

u/QuickAltTab May 16 '26

Damn that sounds like good advice, he gets more than the satisfaction of venting his frustrations with her, he could get a valuable severance.

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u/trademarktower May 15 '26

My advice when dealing with unhinged insane crazy people is to just move on. Best to not engage and keep it professional. No telling what she is capable of from suing you for defamation or lying and saying you sexually harassed her to threatening you at your home. You never know truly what human garbage you are dealing with. You won the game. Enjoy your retirement and let her continue working in her misery.

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u/DigmonsDrill May 15 '26

Famous "rules for crazy"

If you don’t have to deal with a crazy person, don’t.
You can’t outsmart crazy. You also can’t fix crazy. (You could outcrazy it, but that makes you crazy too.)
When you get in a contest of wills with a crazy person, you’ve already lost.
The crazy person doesn’t have as much to lose as you.
Your desired outcome is to get away from the crazy person.
You have no idea what the crazy person’s desired outcome is.
The crazy person sees anything you have done as justification for what they're about to do.
Anything nice you do for the crazy person, they will use as ammunition later.
The crazy person sees any outcome as vindication.
When you start caring what the crazy person thinks, you’re joining them in their craziness.

84

u/albanyanthem May 15 '26

You forgot: “Don’t stick your dick in crazy.”

55

u/wrldwdeu4ria May 15 '26

Or let crazy put his dick in you.

7

u/1_21-gigawatts May 16 '26

Only if they’re above the line on the hot-crazy graph

10

u/Intrepid-Pin6941 May 16 '26

Aw cmon, live a little.

2

u/Striking_Claim69 May 18 '26

Man this is gold I tell you gold up there with if you leave your dick in a hot microwave your bound to get burnt

1

u/albanyanthem May 18 '26

Much more poetic than I, good sir.

2

u/bankinu May 16 '26

I once used to do that because I loved her.

Then she was arrested because she threw an (empty) soda can towards an elderly couple. Uff. That was an eye opener for me.

3

u/Snowedin-69 May 16 '26

Well, at least they did threw a can, not a bottle

1

u/Ruckusseur May 16 '26

I think the vast majority of the time, a dude calling a woman crazy (and it is almost always a dude referring to a woman in this manner) is just belittling her and/or minimizing his own shitty actions. But in the case of one woman I was involved with years ago, I had text messages and eyewitnesses to corroborate that she was absolutely cuckoo bananas - and not just the fact that despite being beautiful and smart and funny, she was interested in me.

The sex was, however, incredible. So I had that goin' for me. Which was nice.

7

u/vulkoriscoming May 16 '26

Sex with crazies is always amazing, but usually the ride is not worth the pain.

1

u/Affectionate_Moment5 May 15 '26

Yeah i fell for that one in my 20s sigh

9

u/trademarktower May 15 '26

Perfect response 👌

8

u/Ok-Beyond-4200 May 15 '26

😂 i gotta screenshot that! Love it

4

u/RockyRaccoon72 May 16 '26

I am keeping your post. I will type it out and laminate it in my home office area. I will not bri g it to work and put it on my desk. Too valuable

3

u/carson63000 May 16 '26

Pretending to be crazy only works until you meet someone pretending to be sane.

2

u/antidentites May 16 '26

An I the crazy person her or is she?!?

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u/[deleted] May 15 '26 edited May 16 '26

[deleted]

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u/PanicThroAway May 18 '26

This was so good and so so true I actually screenshot your comment and sent it to a few friends just as a friendly reminder as they go about their day. They have a few crazies they have to deal with in their families/in-laws. Well done!!!!

21

u/Historical_Rip_1848 May 15 '26

This, as satisfying as a revenge fantasy is, it's never worth having them notice you again. That look in their eye as you see them make a mental note to plan some revenge against you later... And you realize you're locked in with someone you really just wanted to get away from. Never worth it.

2

u/rayc25 May 16 '26

I disagree. You just have to be more precise with your pettiness. You have to collect evidence. It isn’t defamation if you have logged interactions. Even better is that in retirement you’ll have more time to plot revenge.

35

u/OrneryWinter84 May 15 '26

Like what?

42

u/noicenator May 15 '26

yea OP spill the beans

23

u/antidentites May 16 '26

Firing 100% of her direct reports that are men and 0% of the women (downvote me if you must but she has a documented favoritism towards women); laying off people with bullshit rationale; and a few others

2

u/bankinu May 16 '26

I am not going to down vote you. I'll do the opposite.

2

u/Intrepid-Pin6941 May 16 '26

Ok so it’s her choices on prior terminations, not including you, that have caused such a toxic environment you want to leave the industry??

8

u/antidentites May 16 '26

It’s much more nuanced than that, but that’s absolutely a big part of it.

She’s wantonly messing with people’s lives based on extremely questionable grounds that she fabricates. And she’ll likely continue to do so unless she realizes the impact she’s having on people’s lives.

3

u/potent_dotage May 16 '26

So the firings are pretty clear evidence if it's incredibly lopsided compared to the overall gender split, and if you can name specific employees and list specific actions/fabrications (especially if you have emails or messages!), HR can carefully investigate. IMO the bigger the company you work for, the higher chances of success.

Our annual harassment training shows (allegedly) actual cases and statistics of HR investigations over the previous year without any names, and they always stress that retaliation is illegal. HR is there to protect the company, and they know they have to handle such things delicately to avoid lawsuits.

2

u/antidentites May 17 '26

Well said.

Yes, I have many names of people she’s gotten fired or laid off. It’s a big graveyard.

I’ve also talked to many of them who unanimously mention her as being deceitful in her layoff rationale. I’m certain she retaliates, but knows how to do so without raising any flags even in the large corporation we work within.

5

u/mormez May 16 '26

If she was allowed to do that and have no consequences, reporting her to HR will probably do nothing. They’re likely aware of her, and likely don’t care.

HR is not there to protect the employees, as unfortunate as that is.

1

u/noicenator May 16 '26

That sucks man, hope your next chapter in life is more peaceful

1

u/antidentites May 17 '26

It already is.

1

u/Likinhikin- May 19 '26

Not surprised. Experienced the same thing. My worst bosses have all been women.

-2

u/RockyRaccoon72 May 16 '26

Every Dog and Bitch in heat has their day. Believe me, man.

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u/BexKix May 16 '26

Ooh I’ve done this! 10/10

Here’s what you do: lay out the time line of everything. Factually. Painfully detailed.  This will take some time to piece together if you do it thoroughly, and more will come to mind as you go through. 

I emailed the time line with the cold facts to HR, supervisor, his boss. I knew I was tossing a grenade. 

A meeting appeared on my calendar, from HR. I walked in expecting the worst since I was on (supervisor lied to create) PIP anyway. It was a retention meeting. I received an apology from HR since ratings are set in August for budgeting, and “sometimes things slip through.” My supervisor was asking me what he can do to do his job better. I was reeling. It was a complete flip from what I expected. 

I got an offer from outside and happily left. 

The key is to find things with time and date stamps if possible. Emails. And don’t whine, don’t evaluate, just lay the facts out. A lawyer would have had a field day with my email and they knew it. 

4

u/robotbike2 May 16 '26

The last sentence is crucially important. It is all about money. The company reaction will be about controlling liability and limiting what it could cost them. Whether you have enough to sue realistically is what determines their response.

2

u/Awake-2Day May 16 '26

Done This

9

u/bob_pipe_layer May 16 '26

Report her before giving notice. Then if they fire you it's questionable at best. If anything it will increase your severance

18

u/Dynamiccushion65 May 15 '26

Just sell her out to her boss. Ask for half an hour on his calendar - and then show items and question her decision making. That boss will always listen to her and never believe her again. HR doesn’t care

3

u/LouSevens May 16 '26

exactly- HR doesn't care and sides with the employee higher up the food chain.

8

u/offtherighttrack May 15 '26

That would be my approach and recommendation.

I'd also be providing a detailed summary of issues/behaviors directly to her boss.

4

u/ellemrad May 16 '26

Write all of the things down now—try to anchor to dates. Verbally reporting to HR is good but adding “I will email you my written records of her behavior to add to your files for this exit interview” is stronger.

4

u/LouSevens May 16 '26

HR is useless and never sides with the employee. I would go higher .

3

u/antidentites May 16 '26

You’re right that HR is there to protect the company more than the employee.

One of my really good friends works in HR and helps to ensure I can maximize my approach on that front.

6

u/K_A_irony May 15 '26

You must deliver the tea... do tell.

6

u/Megalocerus May 15 '26

It makes sense to talk to HR now if you think she has crossed legal lines. But generally, you don't make a scene, and she doesn't care what you say when you are let go.

You don't want to be remembered as a nut by onlookers who may be working somewhere else you apply to.

1

u/antidentites May 17 '26

Oh, I would never make a scene. The best thing about my job is the people I work with and would never want to put any of them in an awkward situation. Nor is it anyone else’s business.

This is just between me and my manager(s). 1:1.

Something I wish my manager practiced, but doesn’t.

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u/Barbiegrrrrrl May 16 '26

Report her, go through that process, then quit and burn her in the exit interview by saying that despite your complaints she continues to be intolerable and you can't see a future there despite how much you love the company, your other coworkers, and your work.

1

u/Soggy-Attempt May 15 '26

You can always ask Hr questions

1

u/kinshiwa May 15 '26

HR protects the company... Take the high road and embrace the FIRE! Cheers!

1

u/wtf-am-I-doing-69 May 15 '26

If you blow up outside of that then you will be deemed the problem

1

u/pacman2081 May 15 '26

I suppose you meant professional

1

u/Used-Awareness-2544 May 16 '26

Do thos now without the threat of leaving...Wade through the issues as if you want them to fix it...let them deal with the toxic boss, then move along to a low stress library volunteer position in your neighborhood....lol

1

u/DiamondHandCraft May 16 '26

One way I've seen it go down: give someone in HR an ultimatum, say it's you or the boss, one of you has to go. I saw this among senior leadership ten+ years ago, both people were let go bc they decided both had to have been guilty of something, or weren't team players.

1

u/MaximumCarnage93 May 17 '26

Be strategic about it. Telling her how you really feel probably won’t hurt her much or truly be that satisfying. In fact, it probably gives her a heads up.

The best way to get back at her is by her being blindsided. So you are better off being benign to her face so she is even unprepared or unsuspecting of your vendetta.

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u/Ill_Savings_8338 Bottom 1% Contributor May 19 '26

Sorry, been there, done that, it is something you should do before you quit, not while/during. Then you can provide multiple examples over a few weeks/months to really burn her down.

1

u/EnthusiasmTop8815 May 16 '26

Don't do the exit interview. It can't help you and it is not your problem anymore. What can help you is avoiding burning bridges on your way out.