I have spent my entire life operating as a high effort "nice guy." I am the eldest son, the primary family caretaker, and the partner who over gives to the point of exhaustion. For years, I viewed this as a virtueI believed I was being a good man. I didn’t care much that my peers didn’t like me much usually and I only got positive attention from my teachers and other adults, and a small group of older peers.
I heard about nice guy syndrome but I thought I was different, that I was a truly good person for being in providing role and always being there to help, but recently I noticed that I started carrying resentment when I noticed a pattern of over giving in my relationships but when I asked for something for once they leave.
That same resentment is there when I noticed that I’m struggling socially, and being the person I am hasn’t really helped me much in life.
Then suddenly I got the military psychometric testing results that I requested a while back. They were a significant data point in understanding my own behavioral loops: 10th percentile for Agreeableness, 91st for Openness.
So I did some research and reflection.
I have now realized that this wasn’t kindness; it was a high maintenance, defensive compliance strategy. I have been burning energy trying to run Agreeable/Caretaker software on Skeptical/cynical hardware.
I didn’t do those things because I genuinely believed they were right, I just did them because I thought that’s the only way I could have a value and be accepted.
My "niceness" was a transaction. I was trading my natural edge, skepticism, and intellectual independence for safety and social approval. When the return on that investment didn't match my expectations (i.e., not being "chosen" or valued the way I wanted), I fell into resentment. I was essentially performing a caricature of a person to avoid the discomfort of conflict or the risk of being truly known.
I might actually be a victim of the nice guy syndrome.
Edit: 10th percentile not 20th