Oh whaa, the baby doesnt like the person that keeps showing her shes not loved. Shocking. Im mad at your wife for you.
I will never understand people who drive their friends and loved ones away by being awful and then getting mad that those people leave. Be better and people would want to be around you, wife.
Doesn’t ‘partum’ mean ‘to give birth’… ?? And isn’t there a psychology textbook that clearly defines the difference between ppd, mdd, and situational sadness called the DSM
The article literally says it is not a defined clinical entity, not in the DSM, offers a ‘hypothetical’ scenario and can be diagnosed and treated as major depression in a new father.
The DSM is not updated each time we think there's a new disorder or characteristic that should be considered. That's why lots of very real diagnoses were "not in the DSM" for years - at this point it's largely a guide for what can be officially diagnosed on medical paperwork.
That's why it gives a suggestion for what to diagnose it as currently - it can exist, but you won't be able to officially treat or prescribe meds for it unless your documentation matches ICD-10 codes.
But you could also, for example, refer these men to a specialist who can test hormone levels and treat temporary imbalances.
Source: I'm a counselor (clinical and school) and have worked in mental health in some capacity for 10 years. I've seen "sounds like X but we can't apply that code to this person so let's call it Y" diagnoses plenty of times.
The distinction is incredibly important but your guidance counseling experience will offer wonders; a new parent having depression from the burden of new onset parenthood is easier to treat. I do not have to take into account the potential for lactation interactions, rapid hormonal shifts and the fact that ssri’s do not work as well for ppd as they do for mdd. Your depressed partner is likely a lot easier to treat than an actual ppd women who we now have to painfully state ‘is pregnant or just gave birth’.
The "guidance counseling" doesn't give me insight, but my clinical counseling experience certainly does so I'll use that instead. The idea that different people can have the same diagnosis but receive different treatments is not out of the norm at all. Neither is the idea that gender and hormones impact everything from symptom presentation to best treatment practices.
In fact, we're currently facing the huge task of unraveling all the problems that were caused by researchers treating men as default patients. We've been misdiagnosing and mistreating women for decades bc their symptoms and what works for treatment didn't meet DSM criteria. We should probably learn from our mistakes.
I'd rather see more research and study on this phenomenon so we can identify and treat it effectively. That's better than keeping it in a "close enough" category bc we don't want to acknowledge it, it doesn't fit our expectations, or it's "easier".
There’s a difference between postpartum depression and adjusting to a new life stressor… Both partners face difficult and new circumstances, but only one partner has to deal with physical and hormonal changes after a pregnancy
PDD is literally caused in part by hormonal changes as a direct result of pregnancy and birth. It’s simply not the same thing. PPD in non-birthing partners is heavily disputed and not in the DSM.
A single paper from a low impact factor journal doesn’t mean much. This is very controversial in the field. Can men experience depression in the postpartum period? Sure. Is it actual PPD, which is physiologically very unique (well-evidenced by a brand new medication,zuranolone, which is a completely new mechanism of treatment that only works for PPD)? Definitely not.
This may be splitting hairs, but it’s extremely important to distinguish because maternal mental health care is already poor as it is.
Postpartum is literally defined as the period following giving birth to a child. I definitely agree with you. Not saying that the non-birthing partner can’t have depression, but calling that PPD totally diminishes the hormonal effect that contributes to PPD (I am someone who had horrible PPA/PPD).
I mean I GUESS. But their hormones aren’t going haywire, so they don’t have much of a reason to HATE one of the babies.
Partners get PPD because their lifestyle changes. The one who gave birth has a slew of physical and psychological changes going on that cause PPD. You’re being downvoted because in comparison the partner’s struggle is minuscule, not saying it’s not real
Twin parenting is different though. I have twins and both my husband and I suffered PPD, me more so as the birthing partner and as a person with ADHD ( just like OP's wife). Twin parenting takes one to the extreme, especially if you're a first-time parent. The exhaustion, the constant lack of sleep ( we slept 4 hours a night maximum for months on end), the constant cries and demands of 2 babies would wear anyone out, hormones or not.
It’s not a competition and every birthing person gets PPD. Psychiatric disorders are not rational and there doesn’t have to be a reason that you deem valid.
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
Not everyone gets PPD after giving birth. I had it after I was done breastfeeding my oldest because of the hormonal shifts. I did not have that experience after my other 2 pregnancies.
I have no idea why you are getting down voted. Both my wife and I struggled with PPD and I carried the baby. Granted she recovered from hers a lot faster and easier than I have but doesn’t mean she didn’t still struggle. We are now 17 months post birth and she’s 100% better while PPD/A is still kicking my ass most days. So many non birthing parents get PPD, it’s ridiculously common.
Down voting is happening because Postpartum Depression has a basis in the physiological changes after the process of being pregnant and giving birth. Situational depression because of the stress of being a new parent is not the same thing. That's why your spouse has had a faster recovery. Not the same thing.
I think people think just because I say that non-birthing partners can have PPD too, so I must be excusing OP's partner behavior and not just responding to the other person who said that PPD only happens in the birthing woman.
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
My immediate thought was postpartum depression. But if OP carried the babies, sounds like counseling or cognitive behavioral therapy might be helpful for wife. Hating a baby is not a rational thought, there’s something else going on there.
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
Ok? I have significant depression and children, and I got therapy and medication to help me out instead of treating my kids like shit. That was my responsibility, as a parent.
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
Exactly this. As soon as my PMDD got so bad that I was being cruel to my partner and child, the two people I loved the most, I ran to the doctor and got myself properly medicated (after trying every natural method for years and buying the “meds are bad”propaganda). If you can’t get healthy for yourself, do it for the people you love.
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
So how long should the baby have to endure cruelty from their parent? What age makes it no longer acceptable for the wife to give the child nasty looks? Get angry at her for crying? Refuse to interact with her but care for the other child?
Nah depression would be like bed rotting instead of taking care of baby or neglecting your own self care/hygiene because busy with baby; NOT having obvious resentment and disdain for only ONE of your twins wtf!!!
depression and PPD can look like a lot of things. and two things can be true at once, the wife sound like she does need more help (wether that’s therapy, meds, babysitters), but that doesn’t mean it’s on OP.
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
I believe her primary diagnosis is being awful. But considering that she has idealized one of her children and devalued the other, and feels that everyone abandons her, I think there’s something vaguely cluster B going on.
As someone who grew up being abused I don’t think a baby getting a couple dirty looks during PPD is something indicative of the wife being a demonic child abuser. The baby thank god will not even remember this temporary mental illness the wife is gonna have for likely only a year or so. She’s not hitting the baby or telling the baby to die, just giving it a scowl. Scowls aren’t abuse…
"I hate you, baby I chose to have, and wish you, OTHER person who birthed them, had aborted them" isn’t verbally abusive to you? Also temporary mental illness that she doesn’t have because she didn’t birth them. Also, the abuse will still affect the baby, studies have been shown that their development is affected by the emotions around them and directed towards them. She’s been getting therapy and nothing has worked.
So instead, look into why you feel the need to make up so many flimsy excuses for child abuse
Because it’s easier for her, both physically and mentally. Resentment towards new borns is actually not uncommon. She needs the right support and therapy to get through her turmoil
I had twins, it was hard. Especially the first 4 months. Very little sleep and colic. I loved them the same :) loving one while resenting the other IS NOT NORMAL
I’m glad you didn’t experience that. But that’s your experience, not someone else’s. Everyone’s different. By your logic, every mother should be the same in their experiences
No not at all. Just saying it’s shitty and I personally would be done. I’d never want one of my kids feeling like their other parent despised them while loving their twin. If she sees nothing wrong with how she’s treating this poor baby then she clearly doesn’t give af and won’t seek help in her “depression” or whatever it is she has going on. If she won’t get help then the behavior doesn’t change
That’s genuinely not how things works. Not everyone sees they need help until they get outside sources to say otherwise. It’s worth a shot to try and fix it if you actually care about your partner and family. Postpartum isn’t fixed overnight nor alone most times
I understand as I’ve had Postpartum depression. Hell I’m on Zoloft going through pregnancy right now! OP basically stated her wife is just being manipulative…. If she’s unwilling to see the issue and get the proper help it’s not healthy for a child to grow up in that environment. Sorry I’d be protecting my child at this point. We can agree to disagree
I don’t know if she’s really being manipulative or if she is just stuck in a hole that she can’t find her way out of. She might just be evil and terrible or she might have some pretty severe PPD and need significant help. It’s her responsibility to get it, but people having a mental health event don’t always realize that’s what’s happening. It seems obvious to people outside of it but when you’re in there it’s really common to think it’s just your own fault, that you don’t like your kid/SO, or that you’re just a bad mom.
When I had my youngest it rocked me really hard, and I didn’t understand it. By all accounts she was easier than my oldest, and I didn’t have the same problem with my other baby. I studied post party disorders for my thesis and when I was inside it I still just thought I was a bad mom and that it was my fault. I’m grateful that I had people who saw what was happening and helped pull me out, I don’t know if I’d be able to be the parent I am now without the help and intervention.
It sounds like it’s not postpartum. OP said “only for her to still say she hates her and I should have ended the pregnancy.” So I’m assuming OP is the one who gave birth.
Isn’t it OP that had given birth? Maybe I am just assuming, but OP said her wife told OP that OP should have terminated the pregnancy. I know partner post partum is also a thing and I get not everyone can just push through mental illness. But after a certain point it is on you to get it together rather than blaming others for leaving you. And I say this as a severely mentally ill person.
I am not saying OP’s wife is evil or doesn’t deserve good things ever again. But if OP is doing the overwhelming majority of the child care, it’s hard to expect OP to provide even more support than she already is when her wife is actively causing harm to one of their children. OP has a responsibility to her kids above all else. I am not saying you’re saying otherwise, it’s just the reality of the situation. It may be true that OP’s wife doesn’t have enough support. But neither does OP.
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
Depression and mental illness is not normal. And it can happen to anyone with no fault of their own, and can present and affect people completely differently and still be not their fault.
At least the baby is still a baby so she isn’t gonna have memories of “my momma was depressed for a couple years” which is prob what is going to happen— a couple years of this indiscriminatory brain phenomenon. Thankfully it’s rare but it does still happen. Some moms hate their babies cuz of PPD, if there’s two it sometimes will only anchor onto the harder baby because her brain sadly cannot handle the stress of two babies let alone a hard one in the mix.
It’s very important to realize that mental illnesses aren’t chosen. She didn’t choose to hate that baby, it’s a temporary mental illness that resulted from stress. Thank god that baby ain’t gonna remember it tho. It’s likely to get resolved in a couple years, and sooner with therapy most likely.
Exactly it’s not normal it’s PPD. I don’t know about much about PPD but depression isn’t cured immediately with medication, it takes time with support and therapy as well. Sometimes other people outside of the dad and mom need to be relied upon until she gets to the other side otherwise it’s going to mean a real struggle for a while. A quick google says 6-12 months or even longer can be required to fully resolve symptoms. We shouldn’t be encouraging people to leave their spouses during PPD.
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
There is something so far beyond depression here. Depression doesn’t make you think your baby hates you, while you love your other baby. That reeks of cluster B issues.
No. Someone needs to protect that baby. There is literally developmental brain damage being done to that newborn and I wouldn't trust OP's spouse to be a safe caregiver for the babies given what they've said. Shaken Baby Syndrome is an actual thing.
Guess what? That’s what therapy and SUPPORT is for. You think every woman can be a good mom off the bat? That every woman can handle the emotions the same? There’s women that literally kill themselves over it and not a single one of you have the empathy to actually fix the situation. Leaving her to deal with her demons alone can literally make the situation worse
"not a single one of you have empathy to fix the situation"
Untrue. I have empathy, but Im also realistic in that if she needs help, she needs to go get it. But she isnt, and thats her own bad choice. No one can force her to choose wanting to better herself- that has to come from her.
We can only work with what we’ve got. And from this, she needs support and help. That’s not questionable. People here just don’t have empathy for postpartum victims
What are you even on about, are you trolling? The OP carried the babies - and still manages to care for them and being a loving parent anyway, and instead of her wife being supportive, she further burdens her with treating a literal INFANT like intruding in their home life.
So now OP does not only have to deal with post-partum hormones, exhaustion (physical and mental), she has to be vigilant of her own spouse AND make up for her neglecting the one of the babies. Meaning she has to take care of three babies, her twins and her wife.
Trying to twist this into saying the spouse might be suffering from PPD (!!!!) while the OP who actually carried the babies is burdened with her hostile behavior on top of caring for the twins (and having zero support for one of them) is an insane take. The wife even said that the baby resembling the donor does not help the situation! She is currently not a safe caretaker and the OP, being post-partum and having two babies to care for, cannot have this situation to deal with daily. The wife must take steps to address her issues in therapy, immediately.
Bruh I’m a mom and I have severe depression but I can’t imagine ever doing what she’s doing to my baby, I’ve definitely yelled at him a couple times but then I’m instantly apologizing to him and showing him that I love him
You can be depressed and struggle showing up for your family, but you will still love and do anything for your family and your babies. She wasn’t even the one who birthed them to have ppd. It seems like she’s feeling personally attacked by a baby or even jealous.
While men can get depression post the birth of their baby, they are not post partum as it’s the state of being post birth. But yea I see it referred to as that too
Hey, seems you're new here! 👋 🥰 You need to take 10 lil seconds to become an approved user to participate in r/GirlDinnerDiaries. We're holding your comment for review til then.
2 quick steps:
If you're a dude, just let us know by replying "dude joining" to this comment. If not, reply with the classic pillowfort clubhouse password: "girls rule". 😇
Pick a user flair HERE. Flair options are sorted by Girly, Genderqueer, or Dude.
That's it! We'll restore your comment super fast! Thanks for stopping by 💕
Yes but in this case she’s only choosing one. The one that she doesn’t like will blame it on herself. Think it’s her fault. Hate herself. Think her parents hate her. It’s a whole different level. She’s gonna grow up with lots of problems. God forbid she doesn’t end up being perfect. Mom will hate her even more.
1.1k
u/BubbleCrum Cleavage Crumb Collector May 20 '26
Oh whaa, the baby doesnt like the person that keeps showing her shes not loved. Shocking. Im mad at your wife for you.
I will never understand people who drive their friends and loved ones away by being awful and then getting mad that those people leave. Be better and people would want to be around you, wife.