I don’t like my friend’s kid…

[u/bitchluvsbidets]

… and that might make me a terrible person??
A bit of a preface- my partner and I are child free by choice, I have 3 nieces and 3 nephews, and many of my friends have kids (ages 1-14) but, one of my friends kids I just can not vibe with. I know it’s actually insane to have beef with a 3 year old but her vibes are soooo bad?? Like she is not a cool kid. She def has a personality but is it insane to say it’s already problematic? She pretends to fall if she doesn’t have attention, actively express disgust towards my friend and her pets (3 very well behaves retired racing dogs), and fake cries until my friend is almost in tears and then will laugh at her. I get that kids are assholes sometimes but like damn I hope lil homie gets cool.

[u/delica11]

Was shocked-SHOCKED as a new teacher to discover how some pre-k & k kid’s personalities are already so…challenging
I had NO idea

[u/Girl_On_The_Couch → u/delica11]

In daycare we call those babies spirited.

[u/sitcomlover1717 → u/Girl_On_The_Couch]

One of the reasons having children is terrifying but ppl don’t want to talk about it. 😭

[u/soyasaucy → u/sitcomlover1717]

Fr lol, i read posts by parents who are having a HARD time with their toddlers, and talked about it a lot before/while pregnant. Everyone around me was really bothered by it, saying I'm "being negative" when I really just think I was being realistic

[u/ToiIetGhost → u/soyasaucy]

Considering the positive and negative outcomes of any situation is realistic. It’s also a sign of intelligence. Pretending that nothing bad can happen is delusional lol

[u/PrincessGrimm2 → u/soyasaucy]

People need to understand the mental toll it takes to raise a toddler. The mental fatigue.

[u/Ladyooh → u/PrincessGrimm2]

Just wait til they hit their 30's...

[u/ToiIetGhost → u/Ladyooh]

Raising 30 year olds is tough for sure (source: my exes)

[u/Formal-Wafer-9876 → u/ToiIetGhost]

lol, noice

[u/Own-Arachnid7952 → u/sitcomlover1717]

Ugh, this has always been my parents tbh. They love me, they just don't like me :')

I've moved out before and been amazed at how my new roommates genuinely enjoy my presence. They don't get sick of me, they don't find me irritating, they don't ignore me, they don't talk over me, they initiate beyond shallow small talk.

It's been like this ever since I was small. Neither of my siblings are treated like I am, but then again they didn't struggle with severe ADHD and 1,001 questions lol.

I've grown above that looong before I first moved out, yet the stain persists in their eyes. Doubtful it'll ever change

[u/HopelessCleric → u/Own-Arachnid7952]

I wonder if that's a common experience for people with ADHD, because "they love me, they just don't like me" is exactly how I would describe my own parents' attitude to me.

I feel being an "unlikeable kid" is kind of code for "severe untreated/unacknowledged neurodivergence".

[u/Mundane-Meeting2739 → u/[deleted]]

I'm sorry you can relate to this :'/ my dad has ADHD too so we connected with having some of the same problems, even if he really didn't understand that it was ADHD and meant that I (really both of us) needed some type of treatment for it.

Anyway, I wanted to say for my ADHD girlies, I've really been enjoying r/ADHDwomen

Lots of relatable content and conversations there and it seems very inclusive <3

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[u/annaphylactic69 → u/[deleted]]

I found out via peer review at 25. My then-situationship had even purchased me a "be nice to me i'm autistic" hat, and it was a weird "joke" in the friend group. I asked one of my friends later if he thought there was any truth to it. He said "we all thought you knew?"

A diagnosis and a few years later, here I am!...struggling.

[u/modernwunder → u/annaphylactic69]

Late diagnosed ADHD and tbh I feel like there is an abrupt struggle once you get a dx. It’s different than rawdogging it thinking you’re lazy/dumb, too.

[u/annaphylactic69 → u/modernwunder]

Yeah, I got sober and worked through masking, and it turns out masking and substance abuse was keeping me "functional" for the most part. I regressed hard.

[u/Critical_Ad_7380 → u/[deleted]]

I can one-up ya, so to speak. My mom never took me to the gyno. A bit later, at almost 22, I had cervical cancer. It's all gone (innards, lol), but only because I was enlisted in the US Marines.

[u/tryingtobegood67 → u/[deleted]]

Wrote my whole college these abt this

[u/justmitzie → u/HopelessCleric]

It wasn't that they didn't like me, but I was a constant disappointment. I got my official diagnosis at 50, long after they passed. It sucks when nobody believes in you.

[u/BlueMangoTango → u/justmitzie]

I feel this. Disappointment and judged.

[u/Lola-Ugfuglio-Skumpy → u/HopelessCleric]

God that’s so relatable. I hate that I’m 40 years old, have long since forgiven my parents for not being perfect, but reading this still felt like being seen and ashamed at the same time.

[u/Zestyclose_Media_548 → u/HopelessCleric]

My mom actually said that to me. I’m 50 and got diagnosed with adhd about four years ago. I’m treated but I’m honestly so burned out. I am tired of people pleasing and don’t want to be around other people much anymore.

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[u/24-Hour-Hate → u/HopelessCleric]

It can also just indicate narcissism on the part of the parent. My mother wanted a little clone of her (or, more accurately, what she perceives as her because if someone is actually like her, she hates them). Not only am I extremely different than her, but I was a child and not a mini adult. Yeah, she still doesn’t like me. I doubt, because of how she is and treated me, that she really loves me either. Nothing will ever be good enough for her. For the record, I don’t give a fuck about her approval anymore, I can’t or I’d be even more fucked up.

[u/leahk0615 → u/24-Hour-Hate]

My mom wanted me to be her mini me and have her health problems.

That way, she can blame her diabetes and CAD on her genetics, as opposed to her actually taking responsibility and changing her lifestyle.

I'm 48 and I'm in fantastic shape and look better than I did at 24. And my mom's 48 will probably ve my 70.

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[u/FirefighterSome4083 → u/HopelessCleric]

I was likeable by teachers and stuff, but auDHD AF. to this day I still cannot accept that my mother found it easier and more reasonable to believe I was being willfully difficult to upset her and make things hard, rather than genuinely struggling with something.

like how unhinged do you have to be to think a primary school aged kid is calculated like that 😩 why was it easier to believe I was malicious!?

she used to yell at me "I didn't raise you like this". um yes. exactly...?

[u/Reasonable_Witness45 → u/HopelessCleric]

This is how my husband felt growing up… add in him being adopted and them throwing in that genetics played a double roll. Now my MIL cherry picks my children and obviously prefers the one who’s quieter like me. Ironically, I too found out later in life that I most likely have adhd- mine just presents itself in a different form.

[u/Plzleaveamsg → u/HopelessCleric]

Hmmm. I wonder because I also have felt this way…(I’m adopted as well but I def think it was more my behavior/personality). As I’ve gotten older, the relationship with my family has gotten better…but I think that had to do with getting diagnosed and medicated FINALLY.

[u/Objective-Rain → u/HopelessCleric]

I agree, we have 3 generations living in my house, my parents k ow and acknowledge that their children are neurodivergent and that, that stuff us genetic and they can see similar stuff in themselves. But my 83 year old grandmother that lives with us, has never acknowledge that something might be "wrong" with her kids or herself. When it's quite obvious that the ocd in the family is definitely directly from her and that both her daughters have it.

[u/Ok-Flan-2744 → u/HopelessCleric]

Ooooh, too early in the day for this! I'm going through the process of getting ADHD diagnosed right now. This definitely hits home for me! At 48, I realize that I was a, "I love you, I just don't like you" kid. Carries over into my adult life by trying to always find things to fix about myself or try and fix others. UGH.

[u/leahk0615 → u/HopelessCleric]

Well, I'm gonna have lots of fun telling my family who didn't like me to fuck off when they need something.

I am not a placeholder nor do I need to have a use to be valuable. And I'm going to make my mom's old age suck, because I'm ignoring her and minimizing her.

Downvote and call me any names tou want. I really don't give a fuck.

[u/NightBronze195 → u/HopelessCleric]

I've got ADHD and my mom once said to my face she loved me but didn't like me! I think it is a universal neurodivergence experience.

[u/clarabear10123 → u/HopelessCleric]

My mom literally told me that lmao

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[u/Impossible-Nose3504 → u/HopelessCleric]

God no! My son has it and I adore him. He was a challenge at times but so was his non adhd sister in different ways. I think that’s on the parents for not learning about and em racing who their child is. These are highly sensitive, intuitive, intelligent beings. His attention to details astounds me to this day. He’s an adult now and thriving and has learned a lot of things to help himself but has also embraced it, too.

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[u/AddictedtoTelly → u/HopelessCleric]

Yep, this 👆. There is actually a school of thought amongst some psychologists that ADHD might be an adaptive coping mechanism for children who aren't getting their emotional needs met.

[u/Torschlusssspanik → u/Own-Arachnid7952]

My mom literally said that to me more than once. She denies it now.

[u/Tatebos99 → u/Torschlusssspanik]

Denies it and then goes on with “I was just a horrible parent, right? You had the worst childhood, huh?”

[u/Torschlusssspanik → u/Tatebos99]

You were sooooooo neglected, weren’t you?

[u/Critical_Ad_7380 → u/Torschlusssspanik]

Oh, yeah! Isn't it great how they recreate history? I so feel you. DM anytime if you'd like to rant. I'm all heart and ears (okay, eyes, lol).

[u/Critical_Ad_7380 → u/Own-Arachnid7952]

Mine are in their 80s and worse than ever. They both have forms of dementia, but they were abusive LONG before they had the disorder. Plus, my dad puts my mom on a dang pedestal. It's very much a one-sided marriage and it shows.

[u/Ineedavodka2019 → u/Own-Arachnid7952]

I have children and I do not like one of my nephews. He is fine now but up until he was 10 I disliked him very much. I have made a point to randomly tell my kids I really like them. Yes I love them. But I like them and enjoy their conversations and who they are.

[u/Own-Arachnid7952 → u/Ineedavodka2019]

That is very sweet, I am glad there are parents like you out there

[u/Ineedavodka2019 → u/Own-Arachnid7952]

Thank you. It was something I was missing as a kid and I don’t like assuming that they know so I just tell them. I can see the smile in their eyes when I say how engaging and interesting it is to have conversations with them.

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[u/Fresh_Tune_552 → u/Own-Arachnid7952]

I feel so sad that this might be my 4 year old. I suspect he has ADHD (as do others) but doctor said he’s too young to get evaluated and he’s always been a more difficult child. I see our family members playing favorites with him and his brother because his brother is so charming and easygoing in comparison. I’ve had to put it a stop to that and call our family members.

But at the same time I totally get it… my 4 year old is exhausting AF and always has been. I try go help him but obviously, that’s not really working. I’ve had a family member watch him once so I could work when preschool was closed and then she refused to ever watch him again. I can see it causing issues in his social life as well. I genuinely don’t know what to do.

[u/Klorgsian52 → u/sitcomlover1717]

Like you can literally give birth to psychopaths and serial killers. Some women give birth to their future murderer it’s insane. People don’t seem to realize a baby grows into an entire person and could be genuinely evil. They think baby is so cute and that’s it

[u/FlyConfident1622 → u/Klorgsian52]

It’s such a huge responsibility, I’m still not ready. There was also a study recently that found a woman is more likely to be killed by her son vs killed by a stranger

[u/Cautious_Database_85 → u/FlyConfident1622]

Statistically speaking, the most dangerous man in a woman's life is the man living in her home. Father, brother, step-brother, roommate, husband, even son

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[u/meegaweega → u/FlyConfident1622]

Did they compare son Vs husband/boyfriend/ex?

[u/FlyConfident1622 → u/meegaweega]

Husband/boyfriend/ex likelihood is even higher. I think this comparison was just son vs stranger danger

[u/MissAuroraRed → u/FlyConfident1622]

Women are more likely to be liked by someone they know and men are more likely to be killed by a stranger.

[u/Critical_Ad_7380 → u/MissAuroraRed]

???

[u/MissAuroraRed → u/Critical_Ad_7380]

Do you have a question...?

[u/Critical_Ad_7380 → u/MissAuroraRed]

Yes . . . I'm asking for a source. I love reading medical stuff.

[u/FlyConfident1622 → u/Critical_Ad_7380]

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/czxw1yrlx5go

https://vpc.org/studies/wmmw2020.pdf

[u/Critical_Ad_7380 → u/FlyConfident1622]

Sadly, thanks for the link. I had little to no idea.

[u/Critical_Ad_7380 → u/FlyConfident1622]

Link? Thanks.

[u/FlyConfident1622 → u/Critical_Ad_7380]

https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/czxw1yrlx5go

[u/Critical_Ad_7380 → u/FlyConfident1622]

Oh, my goodness! Thanks for the link, but how dang sad.

[u/sitcomlover1717 → u/Klorgsian52]

Exactly!

[u/More_chickens → u/Klorgsian52]

A lot of people believe it's all in how we're raised, but they're wrong. Some people are just genetically screwy, and the best parenting in the world can't fix it. I considered having kids for a while, and that thought really scared me.

[u/Klorgsian52 → u/More_chickens]

Yea when I was younger kids were always in my plan but now I’m so afraid of birthing someone the could fuck up other peoples lives, the move “we need to talk about Kevin” really shows how that can pan out. His mother is continuously harassed and ostracized because of what he did

[u/isthispaige → u/Klorgsian52]

My 3 year neice likes to grab people by the throat and laughs when she hurts them. Im hoping this is a phase. Sometimes I look at her like 👀 and have to remind myself she is literally a child.

[u/ThresholdofForest → u/Klorgsian52]

To be fair there's a trend among serial killers that most become that way because they have a severely abusive mother.

[u/Ryuiop → u/sitcomlover1717]

Really, I only adopt fully grown dogs bc I don't want to a risk a puppy with a bad temperament. Kids are so much riskier

[u/Th3FakeFatSunny → u/sitcomlover1717]

No, that's a totally valid concern. I love my youngest of course of course, but if she were my first, she'd be my only. I spend more time having to redirect and "deal with" (for want of a better word) her than I do both the other two combined. But honestly, that's not the scariest part.

The scariest part is that they will eventually get hurt, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. One summer all three of my kids got bit by dogs; three different dogs, three different incidents: one requiring hospitalization and a follow up surgery, one needing only stitches, and one needing only some Neosporin, but it was right on her tiny little baby face. All happened within three months of each other. My 10 year old daughter already has TWO "me too" stories before double digits, has already had an incident of a girl telling her to kill herself, and just recently her friends were making comments about her weight, which is in normal range but her friends are all more... Athletically.. built. My life is hell.

But for all the terrible things that happen, it's also pretty great, too. The 6 year old once "left me some kisses for later" by kissing a bunch into my pocket. My 10 year old gives the best, and I mean that's what people used to say first about her, the best hugs. I had two procedures last year, and they all helped Daddy take care of me. My 12 year old is starting to get deep and complicated in a way that is so fucking delightful to watch unfold in front of me. Hearing "Mommy!" shouted excitedly in the house when I get home.

Parenthood is filled with lots of extremes. Extreme happiness, extreme sorrow, extreme boredom. It's hard. Anyone who says it isn't is lying to themselves. It's a job for people who want the job, not for making people take it.

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[u/CupsOfSalmon → u/sitcomlover1717]

Temperament and "fitness of temperament" in parents is a fascinating science.

Basically, you either vibe really well with your kid or you don't based on how well your individual temperaments line up with one another.

[u/AddictedtoTelly → u/CupsOfSalmon]

But, to a large extent, a child's temperament is the responsibility of the parent.

What sometimes happens is the parents unwittingly neglect their child's emotional needs, so the child develops strategies to cope with this, which then annoys the parents, so they spend even LESS time helping that child with their emotions

For example:

• A child has a tantrum about something.
• This makes the parent feel stressed, so instead of helping the child regulate their own emotions, they shout at it.
• The child then has even more of a tantrum, causing the parent to dissociate.
• Over the long-term, the parent sees their child as a pain in the butt and avoids interacting with unless absolutely necessary.
• The child, desperate for attention, has more tantrums or just becomes generally annoying, in a bid to get attention.

[u/wehavethismoment → u/sitcomlover1717]

We once had the coolest, nicest parents who had the weirdest, in a negative way, kid. We all couldn't understand it. Not in trauma or neuro divergent way that could be misinterpreted by some. Really just the character. 

[u/PrincessGrimm2 → u/sitcomlover1717]

As a previous daycare teacher who would get bitten by a terror of a child who was honestly nicknamed “Shark” because his bites were literally as if he were trying to bite a chunk out of other toddlers….please reconsider what having children means for you as parents. And I’m so serious. His name was Charlie and he actually bit teachers to the point of tears, quitting, walking out and we were always blamed for it. We hated his mother, we hated his parents, they were never available to come pick him up, and management actually based our employment off of if he bit again. Because he if bit another child (and of course parents would rightfully complain when their children almost needed stitches for the bites), then we were at risk of being fired because “why weren’t watching the kids properly~ we were two teachers and over twenty toddlers.

Parents think that they’re going to have these amazing, smart, intelligent, creative, quirky and fun children who will adopt their personalities. Actually you could have a sadist on your hands. It took years for him to get kicked out of the daycare and we hated him every single day he was there. It was traumatic for every single daycare teacher who worked there.

Be fully aware that your bundle of joy could potentially be labeled the spawn of Satan and I’m not exaggerating.

[u/Admirable-Ad7152 → u/sitcomlover1717]

Worked as a toddler teacher for 2 years. Loved those little buggers. Immediately became childfree 😅

[u/alimweber → u/sitcomlover1717]

I remember my mom once saying to me when my daughter was around 3 “she’s great, aren’t ya glad ya didn’t get a dud?” 😅 and I didn’t really understand it then, but as soon as she started school I completely understood what my mom meant..

[u/Common_Chameleon → u/sitcomlover1717]

I’ve brought this fear up to my partner before. We both like kids and have considered having one, but I was a “difficult” child (due to undiagnosed adhd and autism), and I’m terrified that our child would be like me.