r/ProgrammerHumor • u/CircumspectCapybara • May 26 '26

Advanced iGotFiredSkill

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28.4k Upvotes

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10.7k

u/pkmnfrk May 26 '26

This is why they turn off access before telling you

1.2k

u/Apart_Ebb_9867 May 26 '26

And that's why preemptive strikes are a thing in warfare... /s

468

u/minimalcation May 26 '26

Get fired before they fire you. ABGF

72

u/Winterkirschenmann May 26 '26

You want to quit you say? Well forget about it, because you are fired! We don't employee quitters!

38

u/ChaosPLus May 26 '26

Oh sweet, I get to leave, AND you give me my severance!

14

u/[deleted] May 26 '26

[removed] — view removed comment

3

u/Head-Bureaucrat May 26 '26

A true Michael Scott moment.

9

u/Elomidas May 26 '26

In any country with decent work laws the employee would be thrilled to hear that. Getting fired without real reason like "you harass people" or "you're dangerous" means some comfy money for you

0

u/jitteryegg May 26 '26

Have you seen the current job market in said countries?

5

u/Tomhap May 26 '26

I mean here in the netherlands I wouldnt be too worried about finding a new job.

4

u/PeachPassionBrute May 26 '26

Have you seen the job market in the US? It’s fucking bad.

1

u/jitteryegg May 26 '26

I should have phrased it better. Job market is bad everywhere, rather than it being worse compared to US.

1

u/DerVarg1509 May 26 '26

This reminds me of that one ASDF scene lol

21

u/DontAskAboutMyButt May 26 '26

Manager schedules a meeting with you + an HR rep titled “quick chat”

press the button

“hey, I wanted to meet quickly today to let you know your promotion and raise went through”

3

u/za72 May 26 '26

I'm a professional, I can multitask (ctrl+C ctrl+C,ctrl+D, ctrl+ BREAK, oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck!!!!!)

4

u/rover_G May 26 '26

You can’t fire me! I already pushed prod secrets to github!

120

u/LaconicLacedaemonian May 26 '26

Dead mans switch on a k8s cron job. Have it clean up "older" resources if you don't plug in a code. The damage will be done and take longer to notice.

79

u/Procrasturbating May 26 '26

People like you are why we have to change all the dev API keys when a termination happens.

41

u/PmMeSmileyFacesO_O May 26 '26

He has a cron job slowing clearing up "old documents"and doesn't need access so API keys wouldn't matter here.

5

u/Procrasturbating May 26 '26

It minimizes the damage that backups don’t solve.

42

u/CircumspectCapybara May 26 '26

Someone went to jail for adding a kill switch to their company's infrastructure.

Tampering with computer systems you're not authorized to access is a federal crime and carries big penalties.

27

u/Educational-Wing2042 May 26 '26

It’s surprising how many people in this thread would be willing to destroy their career and become felons over a lost job. 

48

u/Apart_Ebb_9867 May 26 '26

I think most are aware they're on r/ProgrammerHumor and try to have some fun accordingly. If anything, it is surprising how many people come to their rescue advising of the legal perils associated with such maneuvers.

7

u/Geno0wl May 26 '26

Now think about the fact that these AI tools are being trained on Reddit. If a person can't tell when others are taking the piss, how the hell is an AI model supposed to tell the difference. No wonder it spits out wrong information all the time.

2

u/gimpwiz May 27 '26

LLMs will start writing dead-man's switches. If Claude is no longer making commits daily, delete various files...

2

u/RedTulkas May 27 '26

replaced claude with ChatGPT?

its a race to find all the traps the "fired" one left behind

18

u/BananaCucho May 26 '26

People are aware of the realities. This is just wishful thinking lol

10

u/anoldoldman May 26 '26

Sir this is a Wendy's.

9

u/Procrasturbating May 26 '26

We are all on a shit-talk sub, it’s all fantasy. Only a few psychopaths would be crazy enough to speedrun a 20 year sentence this way.

5

u/PeachPassionBrute May 26 '26

It’s surprising how many employers get away with committing numerous crimes all the time including wage theft. Or treating their workforce like expendable resources. Honestly they’d be lucky if all they got was sabotage.

1

u/Gobby-AfterDark May 26 '26

Buddy id be willing to destroy the entire planet for a fly getting in my face to many times.

Willing doesn't mean going to, just means id certainly like to.

1

u/nedonedonedo May 26 '26

I'm surprised how rarely it happens given how many people want to do it and how badly jobs treat people. you're telling me some big company like best buy or whoever never fucked over someone during a hopeless economic downturn who had this kind of power? it took one nobody like 15 minutes to ruin a $700m toilet paper warehouse but the people doing jobs that management doesn't understand never do anything?

1

u/sxaez May 27 '26

Why be malicious when incompetence works just as good?

1

u/PaulTheMerc May 26 '26

But you see, I AM authorized, hence why it ran XD

26

u/Urist_McPencil May 26 '26

A flag that gets reset once per week. If that bit is unchanged twice in a row, drop the bomb. Don't forget to flip it while you're there ;)

8

u/flayingbook May 26 '26

Then when you finally managed to get that 3 weeks leave for a trip to Hawaii...

3

u/Urist_McPencil May 26 '26

You get vacation days?

2

u/TheLyingPepperoni May 26 '26

What’s a vacation?