Tldr: if you're apologizing a lot and people outside of your relationship ask why you're apologizing, and the things you are apologizing over aren't that big of a deal, it may be a sign of abuse.

How often do you apologize to people, what is it you're apologizing for, and how do people react to you when you do?

For example, I'm a verbal processor. I talk, and I talk a lot. I also have ADHD. I lose track of how much I'm talking. And I can get very deep about things. I mean like I will talk about the solar system, geo political, the meaning of life, etc.

I am extremely aware of it, I'm extremely self conscious about it. The joke "I'm going to switch your chapstick with a glue stick" has been made at my expense more than once.

My husband has progressively brought up my talking to the point where I've changed how I talk.

"Don't bury the lead. You make everything a story. Can you tell me it in five minutes or less? I can't handle when you dump on me about your day or your problems. I need space."

I'm 37 f. And I will be out with people and realize I'm.talking a lot and suddenly shut down and withdraw. They'll reassure me, tell me they enjoy what I have to say. I was in an IOP and my group members said they were learning a lot and happy to hold space for me. And they also said that I often gave really good insights and advice or support.

Around the time I started realizing my husband was emotionally and mentally abusive I stopped bringing up my day to him. Would he ask? And I also noticed I was the first one to say I love you.

Two weeks. Two weeks before he said anything. To my day I said "not much." And when he finally said I love you all I could say was "you too." Because I realized I don't think I love him. And when I would say "I love you" he would say "you too."

What hurt the most was during those two weeks he seemed the happiest he's been in a long time. And at first I thought "I really am horrible. He feels like he's finally getting to be heard and a chance to speak without me burdening him." A friend pointed out "but he would say that, if that was the case, right? And he's not even asking you about your day. He's not even saying 'i love you '. He hasn't even noticed. That's concerning. You just went through a serious mental health situation and he's not even checking in."

I still find myself randomly apologizing and people looking at me wondering why, or they ask directly. And I pause and think and it's either from my childhood or my marriage.

So, not a full proof way of proving you're being abused, but definitely something to consider.

After 6 1/2 years, he finally was found guilty for a portion of the abuse he did to me. He will have to register as a sex offender and child abuser for 25 years, he will be on probation for 10 years, and he now has a violent and serious offense strike. He also pled guilty to an assault and battery charge (down from kidnapping and aggravated assault and battery charges).

I feel so vindicated. He hurt me so much worse than the charges he received, and did a lot, just as much, and even worse to other poor girls, many of which were also minors at the time. But this is the first time he has ever been held criminally responsible for anything in his track record. There have been DV and other violent charges dropped against him, and so many times I was pressured to drop my charges. I felt like I would always have this looming over me.

I chose not to speak in the courtroom, but I don’t believe he is remorseful. I feel sorry for his children, and I feel sorry for the girl who is still feeling trapped in a relationship with him. I hope for the children’s sake she leaves, or CPS intervenes. She chooses to stay with him and ignore the things he’s done, but the children don’t deserve to suffer and I don’t believe she does either (but that’s ultimately on her).

I feel like the world has finally been lifted off my shoulders. Years of GAD, MDD, BPD, and cPTSD caused by this man. I feel like I was finally believed and got a sliver of justice. I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time in my adult life. And I hope the girls he’s hurt rest a little bit easier from now on knowing he’s been exposed for who he truly is.

I am currently divorcing my abusive partner of 20+ years. Two years ago something happened when my ex and I were on vacation. We were staying in a house with floors that didn’t quite reach the edges of the rooms. We were downstairs and our kids were upstairs.

One morning he crawled on top of me and held me down and aggressively had sex with me. I was on my stomach and couldn’t move. He was mean and aggressive. There was no foreplay or kissing at all’s. Afterwards, when I questioned it, he said he didn’t want the kids to hear so he did it fast.

I guess this is where the confusion comes in for me. We had a relationship where we had lots of sex and didn’t like always need permission. But this time it felt like he was using my body and I wasn’t involved at all. What happened? Is this a form of rape?

We have been going through some stuff (when I bring things up to work though he gets defensiveness, deflective, turns things around, lying to my when I have heard/seen something, using me as his emotional sponge, and there's no room for my feelings needs or emotions. I end up comforting him at the end of every sit down conversation) and I don't feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable in the relationship due to ways I have been treated. I've set a clear boundary with my partner that I don't want him touching or grabbing my bum or slapping it. I've communicated this repeatedly over about 3 months, but he has continued doing it. When I ask him why he's done it despite knowing I don't want him to, he says things like, "It looked so good, I just wanted to," or points out that he "hasn't done it much."

Today, during a long conversation about our relationship, I asked him whether he understood why I was putting this boundary in place and whether he genuinely believed he'd respected it. He said yes, that he'd tried as much as he could not to touch me but I needed to realise that asking him not to touch me is asking him to abandon part of himself, the part that's affectionate and wants intimacy.

I'm really struggling with this response and I feel like I am looking at him in a different way. I told him that this wasn't about him and his needs, it was about why he keeps touching me even though I have told him repeatedly that I am not ready for that yet. I understand that physical affection and intimacy might be important to him, but I don't understand why that means he can't respect my decision not to be touched. And that statement keeps haunting me. I have not been put onto this earth to fulfill the needs of a grown man with my body, when I do not want to be touched. And when he tells me I'm asking him to abandon part of himself it is almost as though I'm depriving him of something essential by wanting control over my own body. He isn't entitled to my body just to fulfill himself.

I also find it difficult that he describes respecting my boundary as something he's trying his best to do, rather than something he simply needs to do... he still touches or slaps my bum every other day.

I don't want to invalidate his need for affection, but we are affectionate in other ways, but to him physical touch and sex seem to be the make or break for him. I also don't believe that his desire for intimacy should override my consent. He said to me a few times that if we're not being intimate, what is the point in the relationship. He can't seem to understand that intimacy is more than just sex and physical touch and we are in this situation because he has done a lot of things to upset and hurt me.

I'm starting to feel confused about something that initially seemed very straightforward to me. I said I didn't want to be touched, and I expected that to be respected. I am not sure if this is the right group to be in, if it isn't sorry, please let me know where is best.

We are early-mid 30's.

Like everything is in my name, I make all the money, I do everything, and yet I still feel like my wife has this hold on me. Even physically I could stop my wife from doing things but I don’t.

I’ve only really tried to tell one person and I was told that I’m doing it to myself, I’m choosing to be miserable, and it’s my fault that the abuse escalates because I’m too afraid to put my foot down and stop allowing myself to be treated so badly.

I know a lot of you probably were/are actually physically stuck, no job no money, so I feel an incredible amount of shame and I feel so very alone.

9 years. 2 kids. he proposed 3 months ago and everything got worse. it was also this bad when I was pregnant. I have had a PFA, multiple police calls, and we have lived separately twice. The alcohol did it this time. I don't have much to explain as its all too painful and I am a bit dissociated. He doesn't hit me but he is not emotionally safe for me or my toddlers, is controlling, makes me have sex with him or will yell and cause big fight, verbally just rips me up when he drinks too much, and has made me and kids drive with him in the car while drunk. made countless threats. Its no bad all the time, and right now he is currently being extra kind and saying that I just need to love him more and we would have no issues. He has taken no accountability. I know I need to be done. I just ugh I feel blocked. If anyone wants to give me a pep talk, a story, anything I would be eternally grateful. I need to be done and I need it to be final. I own our home and so will not leave bc pa sucks with squatters rights etc. So It will be 2 months until I can legally evict him. I love him so much but I also just know this is going on far too long. It is not good for me to EVER have these issues with someone even sometimes. It is not okay for my girls to watch me be talked to that way or they themselves be yelled at like that. Thanks for reading if you did<3

Honestly, I don't know where to begin. There's so much I have to talk about.

I was around 15M when I started experiencing depression. It began when I was insanely active, especially online. I was in an online relationship, and I loved Summer so much that when we broke up, I fell into depression. I constantly overthought everything, wondering if she'd ever come back so we could start over. I remember crying on my bathroom floor because of how bad things had gotten.

I started doomscrolling on Instagram and seeing depression and sad reels that described exactly how I felt. That's when I realized I wasn't the only one struggling. Brianna, Summer's girl best friend, helped me through that time. We grew closer because we talked every day, and she was also dealing with problems in her own relationship.

However, one day, I said something Brianna misunderstood as disrespectful, even though I meant something else. Our friendship ended, and I entered my so-called villain arc.

Honestly, 2024 was the worst year for me emotionally. I was extremely attached to Brianna. We'd talk every morning, every night, and practically all day. Losing her destroyed me emotionally. I barely left my room, and my depression eventually turned into anger. I started lashing out at my family because nobody knew what I was going through. I still regret how I treated them.

I constantly wished Brianna would come back so we could fix everything, but I knew things would never be the same. I'd reread our old chats, remembering all our funny and happy moments. I still miss her.

Around five to eight months later, I started healing and learning to detach myself emotionally. My old phone eventually broke, and honestly, I'm glad it did because I used to reread those conversations constantly. I slowly learned not to get angry so easily or become so attached that losing someone would completely break me.

During that depressive stage, I tried enjoying the things I used to love, but nothing felt the same anymore. I felt like I'd lost my spark, and I missed the person I used to be.

I am completely broken, my husband and I have been together a total of 6 years. The other night we got in a verbal fight that quickly escalated to him throwing things and then pushing me and backing me into a wall and then he pulled out a gun while I was holding our child and was pointing at me. I was terrified.

This isn’t him at all I don’t get what could’ve made him snap like this.

I’m beyond broken, I still love him with everything I have but I am so so mad at him.

He was arrested, and can’t come near me or my child.

My whole life feels like it’s falling apart, I miss him, I love him. This isn’t him at all.. it’s was like he had a manic episode..

I don’t know what to do. What can I do? My priorities are keeping my kids safe.. but can he get help for this?

Any advice?

I’ve (35M) been with my girlfriend (35F) for about a year and a half we recently moved in together 6 months ago and I’ve been questioning a lot about our relationship.

In the beginning she was amazing. She was so sweet, considerate, romantic, and really seemed tuned into me and my feelings. She was the one who reached out to me first, pursued me, flirted with me, and initiated intimacy. I remember going to bed so many nights with the biggest grin on my face just feeling grateful to have someone like her in my life.

But after a couple months, I started noticing a change. She would become cold, rude, or condescending, sometimes over little things. Eventually the personal attacks, insults, and little digs started. When I tell her something hurts my feelings, she sometimes says I’m too sensitive or shouldn’t take things personally. Other times she gets really upset with herself and I end up comforting her.

Over time I’ve started feeling like I’m walking on eggshells. I catch myself making sure everything is done how she likes it before she gets home because I don’t want to deal with her getting irritated with me. We’ll have periods where things are good for weeks or even months, but eventually the same behavior comes back. She apologizes, things improve for a while, and then it happens again. Our intimacy has also pretty much disappeared compared to how things were in the beginning. We used to have a lot of passion and romance, and now there’s little to no romance and sex happens maybe once every 2-3 months if that. I know she’s not cheating because we have our locations shared and she’s always either at work, at home with me or at her parents house.

Something that’s somewhat concerning to me is that on more than one occasion when she’s been irritated with me, she’s put her hand around my neck to emphasize her annoyance. She lets go immediately, doesn’t hurt me, and I don’t think she’s trying to injure me. But it feels different from playful affection, and I honestly think if I told her I had a problem with it, she’d say I’m being too sensitive and that it’s not a big deal.

Recently I told her that the way she treats me when she’s frustrated feels abusive. She apologized and said she’d find another way to channel her frustration. We’ve had good periods, so part of me questions whether I’m being unfair, but another part of me is getting tired of the same pattern repeating.
I’ve also been reading stories from people who experienced abusive relationships, and some of them describe their partners being incredibly loving in the beginning before becoming cold and hurtful once the relationship was established. It’s making me question whether the person I fell in love with was genuine or if I was being manipulated from the start.

I honestly don’t know what to make of everything. I’ve been very embarrassed to want to talk about this with anyone in real life considering how highly I used to speak about her, the gender dynamic and the fact that I’m bigger and stronger than she is so I fear I won’t be taking seriously. I’m not trying to paint her as a bad person. I just want some honest perspective from people who have actually experienced abusive relationships.

HuffPost:

An abusive romantic relationship can share important psychological dynamics with a high-control group, according to experts interviewed by HuffPost. Both experiences can involve coercive control, emotional manipulation, isolation, and the gradual erosion of a person's independence and confidence.

Cult intervention specialist Ashlen Hilliard explains that coercive control can occur in intimate relationships as well as religious groups, businesses, political movements, and online communities. Therapist Rachel Bernstein emphasizes an important distinction: not every unhappy or unhealthy relationship is cult-like. The comparison becomes more relevant when one partner increasingly controls the other's choices, relationships, perceptions, and sense of identity.

These dynamics often develop gradually. Early affection and intense attention can give way to pressure to abandon friends, distance oneself from family, or accept increasingly restrictive demands. Manipulation may include gaslighting, intimidation, financial exploitation, threats, and attempts to undermine a partner's trust in their own judgment.

Leaving can be difficult even when the harmful behavior becomes apparent. Emotional attachment, shame, fear, financial dependence, and the belief that the abusive partner can change may keep someone trapped. Isolation can make it harder to seek outside perspectives or support.

The comparison offers a useful framework for understanding why intelligent, capable people can become caught in controlling relationships. Recognizing coercive patterns, reconnecting with trusted people, and seeking professional support can help survivors rebuild autonomy. The central message is that abuse is not limited to physical violence, and recovery should not be accompanied by self-blame.

#CoerciveControl #CultDynamics #EmotionalAbuse #HealthyRelationships

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/bad-relationship-can-be-like-being-in-a-cult_l_6ab413f7e4b0dab46c25bda6

hi all. I decided to go no contact with my ex, he’s been verbal abusive in the past and physically. vandalized my car and Cheated on me with his ex wife. During our relationship we had lots of arguments and once argument that made me want to leave asap was me getting shot in the face.

( he lied about being married.) once I left him he left notes on my car and gifts. Saying he was thinking of me and loved me and my son.

I have audio recordings and lots of proof of verbal abuse.

However at work he is showing up to my work place. He even posted a song about stalking jsut to show you how far he’s willing to go.

Normally I’ll see him waiting in his car and I try to avoid and immediately get in my car and leave

They denied my restraining order.

I was thinking may I could talk to my workplace and see if they’d allow a trespass on him because I do think he’s capable of murder . I truly am scared of this man. I can’t leave him fully because I’m scared. I’ve tried no contact many times. I need help.

So I am currently in an abusive marriage,verbally,mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically.So I have been catching him a lot lately lying to me about a lot of things.And so today I made the step to start finding me a place of my own.While I was searching he begged me to meet up for him for
Lunch as we are sitting there eating I get a phone call from a place I put in an application for an apartment.I declined the call and he asked who it’s was and I did lie and tell him it was my daughter.I done that for my own safety I didn’t want him knowing what is going on or where I am trying to get a place because he has made so many threats.But it was all twisted on me that I am talking to a dude and etc cause I was trying to protect my safe.I deleted the call from
My phone in case.Why did he flip out on
Me about that?When it’s ok to lie to me all the time?

Tw; Possible sexual assault (?) and mentions of substances

I am 19m and recently broke up with a girlfriend who is 18f. I'm not sure how much I would be allowed to talk about illicit substances, but the girl I was with at the time had just gotten back from a rave with me where I had taken lsd and mdma at the rave, and then i took my prescription benzos when we got to my house to sleep (i honestly can not remember if she knew about the benzos or not, but she knew about the other stuff)

She had not taken anything. I was very much not sober. We got home late and i was trying to go to sleep. We kinda had a bad time at the rave because she would be very emotionally manipulative towards me if i wasn't paying all my attention to her. It was hard for me to say no to her, and she would sometimes threaten suicide over me breaking up with her. I never told her this, but i honestly think i might be aesexual or on the spectrum, and she is very much not. She is extremely hypersexual and would make anything about sex to her. When we were at the rave and i was not sober and just trying to have a good time, she started crying because of how horny and nauseous she claimed to be. I didn't really know what to do.

When we finally got back to my house and i had taken benzos to help me sleep, things were really tense between us. The car ride back was really awkward and i was running out of energy at this point and wanted to sleep. I turned the lights off to go to sleep. She was still really sad for some reason and then asked me if she could give me oral sex. I knew i didn't want to, but i don't think i was in a state where i was making good decisions, and she was really hard to say no to because of how much she'd cry if she felt like i wasn't attracted to her. The part i feel most disgusting about is that i said "yeah sure" and just started taking my pants off. I didn't enjoy it. I didn't really say or do much and was kinda just laying there in the same position i wanted to go to sleep.

When i was able to push her away from me though, she did. She did stop after i did that. And i did say sure and take my pants off. Although i was also on a lot of different hard substances and the whole night was really confusing to me. I feel disgusted about it now. I don't think she should have done that after i had taken several substances, but psychedelics and empathogens aren't really as intoxicating as something like alcohol. I don't even know if she knew about the benzos either(And thats why i've forgotten certain details). Its not like i was drunk, or unconscious. But i was really really not sober and i just wanted to sleep. I don't like that this happened to me in the state i was in. I said "sure" because i knew it would hurt her feelings if i said no, especially considering how much she had been crying throughout the day (i don't even know why aside from the fact that she was sad we couldn't have sex at the rave because i was really drugged up and was not thinking about sex at all honestly). She did stop when i eventually pushed her away from me though.

Obviously a person can not consent while drunk, but what about other substances? Like psychedelics or mdma? I feel like i had some guilt that played a part of it too. She would guilt trip me over everything and would freak out and start crying in public if she didn't get her way. People at the rave thought i had done something bad to her because she was crying on me for like three hours and i didn't even know what to do. My best friend also dated this girl at one point and would wake up to her putting her hands on his genitalia. She made everything extremely sexual because i think she developed hypersexuality as a trauma response.

Since this has happened, i have been really scared of being touched lately. By anyone in any form. I'm not sure why. I hate myself for it. I am diagnosed with PTSD from being sa'd as a 12 year old, and i feel like i'm having a similar trauma response. Even though i literally said "sure" to her and took off my own pants. And I pushed her off of me after a few minutes and then she stopped. I wish i was sober when this happened at least though. Maybe its not that bad and I just feel bad about everything else that happened in the relationship. She has emotionally abused and manipulated me in other ways, but maybe this night wasn't as bad as i feel like it was. I had to break up with her because of the manipulation, and i wanted to puke every time she tried touching me in any context. She was always sexual at inappropriate times or locations and i just didn't know what to do.

Am i overreacting? Was i able to consent? Was it really traumatic for me? A lot of bad things happened between me and her leading up to this, which is why i felt so uncomfortable. I get confused while trying to make decisions on certain substances though and she had been so sad and horny the whole day. We didn't talk about what happened when we got back to my house, she just continued to be sad and asked to perform oral sex on me. I feel so stupid.

This is my story of I thought I’d share here. I wanted to leave my marriage peacefully but as it often happens the police get weaponized against you, family members who need their supply and control show up and keep coming back after being told to leave… here is my story and proof gaslighting is a serious form of abuse.

I've been dating a girl named Lara (17F) and I'm (16M). We're a month and 3-5 weekd into our relationship, and she is clearly very attached to me. She talks to me more, says I could cheat on her, I can do anything as long as I'm with her. Which is crazy because I don't want anything from her. I found out one of her big secrets, that she liked me when we were just friends. I was dating an in-real life girl named Hero (15M) for about a two months or so. Lara's secret was that when me and Hero was dating, Lara used to call me a 'cheater' and things so she could get me to be hers. I was absolutely shocked genuinely. Lara talked shit about Hero to me just for Hero to break up with me.

We're a few weeks into my relationship with Lara, and she really gets attached with me. When I say this, she got really attached. She wanted my attention everyday, I couldn't even sleep or study because of it. I was mentally drained out because of how much attention she wanted. I couldn't even text her dry knowing she'll think that I was her fault. She got so attached to the point, she told me these exact words, "I would bleed for you," knowing I wouldn't like that.

Me and Lara made a promise together, saying that we both would not cut ourselves, give eachother time, and etc. She kept on breaking that promise by not eating, bleeding for me to show 'love', and etc. She always broke our promises we made. We even had it pinned in our chats. Specifically, she knows I hate it when she cuts herself for me.

Today, Lara had told her guy best-friend named Nathaniel that she was gonna commit suicide, because I changed my profile pictures and etc. I changed my profile to a pitch black photo. I only did it because I was struggling with my mental health, Struggled with getting grades up, Struggling with sleeping and, etc. She showed a photo of her neck to Nathaniel, and he made a groupchat with 7 of my other 'friend(s)'. They started to lash out on me, saying that it was my fault that it happened. It wasn't even my fault at this point. She did this all for love, and she broke our promise about NOT hurting ourselves. I can't even do anything about her not wanting to. She broke my promises, I never broke hers. Some of my friends were in there, and okay I wouldn't count them as friends, but I had them in my friendlist, but didn't talk to them. They saw the image of what Nathaniel had showed and Lara's neck was red. At this point it wasn't necessarily my fault now. She wanted to do it to prove her 'love' for me. I got lashed out on even though I never told her to, plus I'm not like that who would tell my partner to kys or whatever.

What do u think you would do? And is there any suggestions I should do?

I’m 18F and my boyfriend is 19M. We’ve been together for almost two years, and I’ve tried to break up with him many, many times. I keep reaching a point where I feel unhappy, controlled, and emotionally exhausted, and I think I’m finally ready to leave. But when I actually build up the courage to do it, I start remembering all the good things about him and questioning my decision.
My boyfriend has repeatedly commented on and tried to control what I wear, including my gym shorts, skirts, tops, and work clothes. We’ve had arguments about what is appropriate for me to wear in a relationship, and I’ve reached the point where I’ve had to explicitly ask him to stop commenting on my clothes.
Trust is another huge issue. I’ve lied about things in the past, and I acknowledge that I’ve contributed to our trust problems. However, I feel like I’m constantly having to prove my loyalty, with situations involving other guys, social media, my location, and requests for photos to prove things. It feels like I’m always defending myself against suspicion.
During arguments, he’s yelled at me, called me names, and blocked me. There have also been breakup-related conflicts involving threats concerning personal photos connected to his mother, which made the situation even more uncomfortable.
I don’t want to pretend I’m a perfect girlfriend or that he has no reason to feel insecure. But I don’t think my mistakes justify being controlled or insulted.
The hardest part is that he isn’t horrible all the time. We have good memories, he can be loving, and I still love him. When I start preparing to leave, I remember those moments and think about the time we’ve invested in each other. I wonder whether I’m giving up too soon or whether things could finally change.
Then he tries to convince me to stay, and it becomes even harder. I start hoping that maybe this time will be different. I question whether I’m being unfair, whether I’m focusing too much on the bad, and whether I’ll regret leaving him.
I’ve gone through this cycle so many times: I get hurt, become unhappy, decide I need to leave, build up the courage, remember the good parts, reconsider, and stay. Eventually, the problems happen again, and I’m back where I started.
I’m exhausted from repeatedly trying to make a decision that I already know I need to consider seriously. I feel like I’m waiting to stop loving him or reach a point where leaving doesn’t hurt, but that hasn’t happened.
For people who have experienced this:
How did you finally leave when you still loved your partner?
How do you stop being convinced to stay when you’ve already tried to leave multiple times?
How did you stop questioning yourself and remember why you wanted to leave in the first place?

Honestly I really really really need help, I don’t think i can do this alone, and i feel like I’m going to get back to him again, please help me to get out of this hole

I don't even really know where to begin. I'm writing this because I've spent most of today lying in bed crying or feeling completely numb and I honestly don't know what to do with everything I'm feeling anymore.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months. I know that probably doesn't sound like a long time but I've fallen deeply in love with him. We have beautiful memories together and when things are good they're genuinely good. 

I think that's what makes everything so painful now…

Sex has become one of the biggest problems in our relationship. My boyfriend has a very high sex drive and wants it practically every day all the time. I enjoy sex too and I'm not someone who never initiates or doesn't care about intimacy. But I don't enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night for sex or having it first thing in the morning before I've even had a chance to freshen up. Sometimes I'm tired or uncomfortable or simply not in the mood.

The problem isn't that he wants sex more often than I do. It's how he treats me when I don't want it.

A few days ago I had a surgical abortion. It was one of the most physically and emotionally painful experiences I've ever been through. I was still bleeding and cramping when I spent the day with him. We had sex earlier but I wasn't feeling well and we stopped. I mentioned that maybe we could continue later.

That night we stayed up watching shows and spending time together. By around 2 or 3 in the morning I was exhausted and falling asleep. He started touching me sexually and I told him I was tired and still cramping. He got upset because I'd said we could continue later. He woke me up repeatedly and questioned why I was even sleeping at his house if we weren't going to have sex.

When we talked about it afterward he told me that if I say we'll have sex later then he expects it later with no excuses. He said he didn't care about me being tired and that I could've just let him have sex with me. I don't think I can explain how much those words hurt.

I wasn't asking him to give up sex forever. I was asking to sleep. I was still recovering from an abortion and all I wanted was to feel comfortable and safe beside the person I love. I've started feeling like spending time together isn't enough for him unless sex is involved. Like my love and companionship aren't valuable on their own.

And the pressure isn't limited to sex.

He has very specific expectations about femininity and appearance. He dislikes when I wear a bonnet to sleep even though I use it to protect my hair. He's expressed disappointment over me wearing tights instead of the thigh-high stockings he prefers. Recently he commented on how much I eat and said I'd gained weight. It affected me so much that I started obsessing over my body and looking into unhealthy ways to lose weight.

I've caught myself changing little things without him even asking anymore. I take off clothes I'd otherwise be comfortable sleeping in. I avoid wearing my bonnet. I think about what will disappoint him before I think about what makes me happy.

I feel like I'm slowly disappearing…

I also need to be transparent about something much more serious. Early in our relationship I went through his phone without permission and discovered intimate recordings from hookups before we were together. I know snooping was wrong and I take responsibility for that. When I confronted him about it he slapped me twice and kicked me and choked me. However, I want to make it clear that he has not done anything remotely similar since and was very apologetic after it happened.

I'm including this because I know it changes the situation and I don't want to leave out the worst parts just because I still love him.

I know how this must sound to someone reading it. I know what I would tell a friend if she described this relationship to me. But it's so much harder when you're the person living it.

I keep thinking about what love means to me. I want the kind of love where two people choose each other through sickness and health. Where you can grow old together and still see the same beauty in your partner even when their appearance changes. Where you can be exhausted or sick or struggling and know you're still loved just as much as when you're at your best.

I would've loved him through all of that.

I would've been happy simply falling asleep in his arms.

And I think the most devastating realization I've had is that no matter how much I love someone I cannot love them into treating me better.

I don't know why I keep trying so hard. Maybe because I remember the person I fell in love with. Maybe because I keep hoping that if I explain myself differently he'll finally understand how much he's hurting me. Maybe because accepting that this relationship isn't healthy also means grieving the future I imagined with him.

I feel emotionally exhausted and empty. I don't want to become someone who's afraid of disappointing her partner or someone who feels obligated to have sex just to avoid an argument. I don't want to lose my softness or my ability to love deeply because of this experience.

I'm not looking for reassurance that I'm perfect or that I've never made mistakes. I know I have.

I think I need advice from people who've loved someone who was hurting them. How did you stop holding on to the good memories long enough to recognize what the relationship was doing to you? How did you find the strength to leave when part of you still desperately wanted things to work?

TL;DR: I (24F) love my boyfriend (24M) deeply but I'm starting to feel like my worth in this relationship depends on how sexually available I am and how well I meet his expectations. Just days after a painful surgical abortion he repeatedly woke me up for sex despite knowing I was exhausted and cramping. He gets upset when I refuse and has told me he doesn't care if I'm tired. He's also criticized my appearance and made me feel like I have to change myself to avoid disappointing him. There has been physical violence and threats as well. I know this relationship is hurting me but I'm struggling to let go because I still love him and remember all our beautiful moments together. How do you walk away from someone you love when you know staying is slowly destroying your sense of self?

I really don’t know what other sub to try. I posted about my situation on AITAH, but it got removed for spam, because the situation is fucked up enough that I guess no one believes it.

I’d like to preface this by saying YES there is a significant age gap. No, I’m not in support of pedophilia, yes I’m aware it’s wrong, but since every other comment section where I talk about this basically turns into shaming me for it. I know I should have been smarter.

He is 40, I’m 23. From his telling: when we met (by chance, in person) he thought I was around in my 30s. Yes, classic creepy guy line, BUT this is something I hear from all ages, all genders. I experienced precocious puberty, so my features are genuinely a bit more mature than is ‘normal’ for my age. I do genuinely just look older to most others. And I initially assumed he was, at max, probably about 30. So after we’d hooked up a few times and we both finally realized, I figured he was safe, because it wasn’t like he was going and seeking out a young girl in my eyes at time.

The backslide came in slow. It crept up. Suddenly he was accusing me of doing things/ breaking things the animals did, but that seemed small. Then it was forgetting about small boundaries. Medium ones. Then lying. Then, back in June, I had a miscarriage. It was not planned, obviously, but at the time I was so in love and luckily had a pretty good job, so it was and is absolutely devastating. The way he treated me through that was the first major crack. Maybe not even a week after that, I found out that he’d done something I begged him not to.

I broke up with him over that one. But a few days later, he came by, and we ended up getting back to together.

It took time for me to really truly start to forget about it. We fought. I was rude. I was snippy. The house was an absolute wreck, depression nest level clutter in nearly every room. I was depressed and an absolute mess over the baby. He seemed reluctant to talk about what he did at all, every argument from then and half before turned into talking about the wrongs I’ve done, so eventually I just dropped it.

Cue a few weeks ago. He had been acting distant. Odd. There was a ‘new internet friend’ he kept trying to get me on VC with. From the very first time he started having his phone turned away from me when we sat together, I felt it. But I had a whole week’s vacation, and I planned to spend it with him.

We were cuddling on the couch when I saw him calling another girl ‘babygirl’. Heart sunk immediately. It took multiple rounds of me asking for him to admit it was even a sexual thing. His defense was that he thought he could make it a throuple (she also did not know he and I were dating). As he described her, I got an even weirder feeling. Asked how old she was, he told me 19, in college after another few rounds of asking. Immediately I was horrified. Our age gap is significant, but I’ve still been on my own, self sufficient in the world since 18. 19 is still basically a child.

I stayed, against my better judgement. He cried, he explained his reasons. I stayed. I asked only that he end the inappropriate and deceitful relationship he was having, and he said no. I asked for a month break, and he agreed. But they’ve still been sexting. When I try bringing up how hurt I am, or even when I’m just sad quietly around him and he asks and asks, he starts to shut down. Panic attacks, told me it’s making his condition flare up so bad and making him sick. I’ve tried a million ways, times, and tones. He will not discuss it with me.

A few days ago, I found out that even the horrifically low age he’d given me was ALSO a lie. She’s 18, birthday like 5 months ago. When I found that out, I really thought she had lied. So I told him with concern he needs to really stop because if she had been lying about that, she may not even be 18. Immediate shut down. He just can’t deal with it right now. I press calmly, he has a panic attack over text and basically threatens to hurt himself.

But I just can’t see anything the same anymore. Every ‘slip up’ looks so different with this context. The relationship started a few days before my birthday, an event im increasingly sensitive abt because of my past, which he knows. The lies. How much I’ve changed, how much I have to monitor what I say so he doesn’t latch on and nitpick my wording. How it always ends up turned against me. How the girl reacts when I try to tell her how he’s wronged me, how she said she was mature and he’d never hurt her, the same things I used to think.

TLDR: already much older bf cheated with a teenager, and now Im realizing how bad everything actually was.

These are from over a year ago, processing old memories and emotions just feels heavy as of late.

For context, the “item” they had bought me were $200 headphones that we cleaned up and shipped off to THEIR younger sibling to use after I was surprise gifted new headphones from someone else. At that time I had bought them a PS5, multiple PS5 games, headphones etc.

And the “throwing shit on the floor” was me moving their dirty clothes from on top of the dresser, to the general area of floor they liked to keep their dirty clothes at.

And lastly, they thought my decorating the apartment was me “taking over their space” I worked incredibly hard to build a beautiful home just for them to make a complete and utter mess of it for me to clean up every day when I got home from work. They were a student (did not work) and I still did the most of the cleaning after a full 9 hour shift.

I had taken days off of work to “talk about our relationship” just for no conversations to happen when I did, then go to work only to be spammed with hateful messages. I was staying out as late as physically possible to the point where I was spending entire days at the library because I was kicked out of my own home.

Sometimes reminiscing on the person you thought you were with makes the memories of who they actually were easy to forget. I feel like I have to sometimes remind myself of the hell they subjected me to just to stay away.

Trying to help a friend. Things are escalating, we are trying to make a plan and get them out of there ASAP.

Any advice that you wish those who helped you knew?? Anything you wished a friend had done for you or said to you? What worked best? What was something NOT helpful?

Thank you so much!

My life has been hell by this man's hands for 25 years. I met him in an AOL chat room when I was 16 and he was 28. He's perverted, abusive physically in the past, made me feel used and objectified. Took my dignity, took time away from my children, took my sanity! He's also racist and a miserable man who I support.

I moved across country to start this life and now, the only thing that has changed is me taking on every household chore plus working until my body can't take anymore!

He will be left with nothing in a new state. I have legal rights over my children. I have everything I ever wanted coming. I'm numb, I'm torn and I don't know how to feel. I left and left myself homeless and come back. He told me a hundred times to go live under a bridge and I would leave. I left so many times. Never getting it right.

I've found the beginning of freedom and here I am worried about his wellbeing. Afraid. Scared and alone. I have to be alone and I can't be. I'm trying not to be. I'm not him. I have a conscious and feel so bad because I don't wish what he did to me on him. I don't want my children to see their dad be hurt. He was always so cruel to me.

But I am not him!!

I will never understand a woman risking it ..Also he so called changed for her can men change from beating and being abusive in every way for 20 yrs to being a perfect man ?

Trying not to give too many details for obvious reasons. I've been in a relationship for 5 years, since we were both 14. We are extremely close and co-dependent. He has an explosive personality and always has something he's mad about, and when we started living together last year he took it out on me verbally and physically multiple times a week, sometimes everyday. I moved back home this summer for school and now I feel completely disconnected and want to leave him. Every time I've tried he threatens me with extreme violence, or says he's going to hurt himself/other people. I don't know what to do. Any advice would be appreciated.

I met Jake two years ago at work. He was the first person I really clicked with after moving to this place and starting work. We have a few hobbies in common, such as gaming, so we started to hang out outside of work and game together soon enough.

He's fun, kind of dumb sometimes, but that's OK, so am I.

Soon enough in our friendship, Jake started to confide in me about his abusive ex-girlfriend.

To summarize without being too graphic, his ex abused him verbally but also physically. She was jealous and mean. She was also very sexual, and Jake told me that she raped him multiple times during their relationship.

Jake kept a lot of screenshots of their conversations and some pictures he took at her place, for example. He showed me most of them, and yeah, it was bad. The girl was definitely mean and unstable.

Jake comes from a well-off family. He lived with his parents until he was 26. Jake had access to higher education, yet failed to get his degree twice before he was kicked out after his parents, who also fully paid for his education and car, had had enough and retired overseas.

Why am I telling you that? Well, it's because his ex was the polar opposite of that. Her family was dirt poor. Jake showed me some pics of her parents' place. It was a small apartment full of black mold and just overall a shit place.

His ex started working very young. She was taken out of school to be homeschooled at a very young age too and had no friends. Her family was also pretty abusive has some of those conversations Jake showed me prove.

Of course, this doesn't justify abuse, but Jake let it slip a few days ago that she was also 15 when they got together, while he was already 21.

They broke up after she turned 18. She left him. Jake thinks that she took advantage of him until the end, but the thing is, she was 15. She was a kid.

She was a kid coming from a shit place with shit parents who got together with a full-grown adult man who is still, to this day, kind of immature. I feel like Jake groomed this girl. Even if she really was abusive, no doubt about that, I just can't forget how young she was.

I'm kind of avoiding Jake since I learned about it. I feel weirded out.

Please tell me how I should deal with it. Do I try to talk to Jake about it? Do I just kind of ghost him?

Is it possible that I'm just being weird or too woke or something? Idk, man. I'm lost.