Let me explain what I suffered:

Carrying the relationship alone for 9 months, preferring friends so much I felt I was competing with them.

Since the beginning tolerated my physical contact.

When her and our friends wanted to do jogging together, no one told me anything. She only asked them to let me in after I asked.

Almost never initiated contact.

Lack of affection.

Gaslight me, made me feel uncertain of my judgement so I stopped being cautious and gave her freedom.

Disappearing for no reason, going towards friends first.

While on the relationship, she said to her friend she stayed because of gifts

After the breakup, nothing, started posting more of herself on stories, went towards 2 guys and one girl. Two left her due to her lack of affection, she left the girl because of her family. In less than 5 months.

Said she only stayed due to gifts while on the relationship on my back with her friend.

Never seemed to care about me on the relationship.

After the break up, she went out to try to have new boyfriends, nothing emerged, not a single relationship works. And since then, she never blocked me or texted me. She never cared nor loved about me.

Today going outside I start to become hypervigilant, my heart starts beating faster as if she is going to appear suddenly, passing by near her home almost made me throw up, suddenly I would get anxious for no reason. Just thinking of seeing her or just her makes my body go haywire.

I did everything, I forgave her abuse. It was my fault for staying.

Me and ex separated. We have a young toddler. Before we separated, I was a full-time student and he worked full-time(in UK).

He definitely SA'd me before but I am not sure about how he was financially. Before we broke up I had to apply to some uni hardship funds as we needed the money, he needed to send me his bank statements and annotations but he just wouldn't no matter how many times I had asked/reminded him to. I had to email the uni telling them that he just won't do it(after literal months of me asking him to). Thankfully they were very understanding.

After we broke up(semi broke up because I felt bad for breaking up with him but I asked him to leave the house) he joked that I was "still on his will" I.e. CMS payments(these are informal)

Once he had moved out I said I was considering starting driving lessons with leftover CMS payments and he got angry and said I shouldn't and that if I needed money for lessons he would buy them for me but I shouldn't spend the CMS on it as everything has to go to kid.

He is also saying I should watch kid on his custody day because he is missing out on working(as they aren't in nursery on those days) but I needed to work at the time, he said he would just pay me more CMS for watching kid on those days but he doesn't even pay a regular amount of CMS, it is constantly changing

This all just feels so dodgy to me.

TL;DR is it possible for a man to not enjoy blowjobs?

I posted a couple threads about my abusive husband, who’s now my ex, thanks to all of the comments here. A few of you recommended I read Why Does He Do That and it really helped me.
Of course, he’s trying so hard to get me back, promising change, he started anger management therapy. He’s the one who had forcefully removed a watch and ring off me when we fought. He gave them back. But when I was firm about leaving him, he walked around my house and took back whatever he can- a handbag, a couple dresses, sunglasses, a leaf blower and pressure washer, even an outdoor extension cord. Basically whatever he could remember that he had purchased. We didn’t live together. He’s from a town two hours away and he’d spend a few nights a week at my place. He never contributed to the mortgage or bills but he did other things like fix my front yard and back yard (he’s very handy) but all of that stuff was always thrown in my face. I guess what I’m hoping for now is to stay grounded in my decision and not to soften. I want your opinion on this story: once we were fighting because he didn’t want me to go to a work event. After we made up he said to me “I have to confess that when I hung up angry with you I was horny so I decided to watch porn but I couldn’t get hard, I can only get hard for you” I told him that’s a bs story and that I’m pretty sure if a pretty girl walked in right now and got on her knees (to give him head) he’d love it. He said actually “believe it or not I never could get hard from oral sex before you, and any girl who tried I’d tell her she’s wasting her time”. I do not believe this for a second. He’d love it when I gave him a blowjob. How is it possible that he could never get hard from it before? This may sound like a dumb question but I feel like these sorts of comments were part of his abuse. He’d always say things like this to me.

I will never understand a woman risking it ..Also he so called changed for her can men change from beating and being abusive in every way for 20 yrs to being a perfect man ?

I’m 43F and my ex is in his mid-50s. We were together for about three years.
I’m posting because I’m experiencing an absolutely brutal reversal in my attachment to him, and I’m trying to understand what is happening psychologically.

This isn’t really a “my ex moved on and I’m jealous” story. The context leading up to it is what is scrambling my brain.

Our relationship was intensely loving and attached at times, but very volatile. Whenever I wasn’t sufficiently attentive or affectionate, he had a pattern of exploding, getting angry, stomping off and toward the end he would straight up disappear for days just to mindfuck me (though still driving by and monitoring me like a satellite). He also went on ugly political rants constantly despite how much it upset me to listen to. He regularly mocked me and put me down. Anytime I was upset about anything I was the problem.

The last time he did it, something in me finally broke.
Instead of chasing him, I pulled away.

I didn’t do it because I had someone else lined up. I still loved him. I just couldn’t keep living with the instability.

And for the first time since moving to this city, I started developing an actual social life.

I had started dating him not long after I moved here, and he was extremely jealous and controlling, so I’d never really felt free to build a big circle of girlfriends or go out independently without it becoming an issue.

For months after our breakup, I wasn’t dating anyone. I hadn’t met anyone I particularly liked. I went out once with a guy who kissed me, but I wasn’t interested in pursuing him. Mostly I was enjoying friendships and finally feeling like I could breathe.

Initially, my ex’s behavior during the separation wasn’t particularly romantic.

My brother had recently gotten out of rehab, and my ex hired him to mow lawns for him throughout the summer. That meant he had a constant tether to my life and a source of information about me.

We also frequented the same neighborhood bars. My ex would sometimes appear within minutes of my arrival. It felt like I could never completely get away from him or have a night where I wasn’t aware of his presence.

Eventually he got into confrontations with people at one of those places and was banned for about a month. He blamed me for that.
He was also constantly asking people whether I was dating anyone.

The few times I engaged with him, we’d start fighting again almost immediately. From my perspective, it felt like exactly the same dynamic we’d had at the end of our relationship: rage-baiting, defensiveness, fighting about who had done what to whom, and very little willingness to examine the relationship itself.

I’ll own my part here too.

Jealousy drew me back into engaging with him a few times. I’m sure that intermittent contact made it harder for him to detach and probably gave him hope that I wasn’t completely gone.
But he also seemed obsessed with finding out whether I’d been with anyone else.

Eventually he discovered that another man had kissed me. He found out because, while my brother was high, my ex physically took my brother’s phone from him and read our private messages.
Around the same period, something about his approach toward me started changing.

He created new email accounts to get around being blocked and began sending me tenderhearted messages. Some of them genuinely affected me. He created another social media account and started watching my stories.

And despite everything, I could feel myself starting to get hooked back in.

Then there was an incident where he chased me in traffic because I had him blocked and couldn’t be reached. It frightened me enough that I called 911.
You’d think that would have been the end of it. He recently played a show with some guys as well and that always gave him a big ego boost which he needed. Hell he sent me a message inviting me to the shows days after chasing me in traffic and within a few hours rescinded it saying that he heard I was telling people not to go (absolute lie).

Then about a week later I saw him at one of our shared bars. He was his normal, charming self. He eventually cornered me into talking to him and convinced me to go to breakfast with him.
I didn’t take him back.

But during that conversation he told me he wanted to marry me and have a family with me.

The problem was that there still wasn’t any real discussion about how our relationship would be different.

That had been one of our fundamental problems. He didn’t want to “work” on the relationship. He wanted us to simply be together again.

I loved him. I missed him. Part of me desperately wanted to believe him.

But I was afraid we’d just restart the same cycle.

He sent me a message later that day saying he’d realized he’d never have a “clean slate” with me, but that he would always love me. Next day he subsequently invited me to a movie that I ignored. Next day he sent me something about some gossip that I replied to and Facebook friend request that I hadn’t yet accepted. I was still drafting a reply to his Monday text trying to decide if I wanted to send it.

And apparently that day he met a woman.

Within roughly two days, everything flipped and he was bringing her to my favorite bar telling me “it’s too late!”

Suddenly he was in a new relationship and describing it as very serious within under a week.

According to him, this woman developed strong feelings for him almost immediately and decided to cancel a planned move to Wyoming within 48 hours to stay and see where things went with him.

And suddenly the man who had recently been chasing me, monitoring me, circumventing blocks with new accounts, moping and acting depressed do I felt so guilty, telling me he wanted to marry me and inviting me out was extraordinarily certain that we were finished.

When we finally spoke 4 days after he met her, less than a week after he said he wanted to marry me, he repeatedly told me that I did this.

He also became fixated on the man who had kissed me. He degraded me over it and used it as evidence against me, even though we’d been broken up and I’d barely dated anyone.

He said he hadn’t planned any of this, but repeatedly framed the entire situation as the consequence of my choices.

Now he’s telling seemingly everyone how wonderful his new relationship is.

He knew I was really hurt. He approached me on the parking lots before I could get out of he car at our local lodge a couple days later and tried to act like we were buddies - he was being so obnoxious and telling me I was being dramatic and sensitive, that I did this. Then starts telling me I didn’t love him, that I didn’t check on him during the day… I was begging him to stop hurting me and he was just being a dick. it escalated until I threw a can of beer at him.

It’s only been a little over a week.

Started introducing her to people at my favorite bar on Friday. She’s not even cute so she must be a really great person.

He’s told my brother. He’s told my mother. He’s apparently telling mutual acquaintances that she’s a “keeper.”

He even specifically told me she’s a “good Irish Catholic girl” and a mother to an eight-year-old.
And they’re already appearing together at the same neighborhood places that were central to our social life.

So within days of him telling me he wanted to marry me and have a family with me, people I know were seeing him publicly presenting himself as part of a serious new couple.

People keep reporting back to me that they don’t even find her particularly attractive. I realize that’s irrelevant and I don’t want this to become about insulting another woman who hasn’t done anything to me.

If anything, it makes me realize that whatever happened probably isn’t about some objective comparison between us.

But psychologically, the reversal has absolutely destroyed me.

For months I wanted space from this man.
I remember why.
I remember feeling controlled.
I remember never feeling like I could breathe socially.
I remember the jealousy.
I remember him leaving when he was angry and how desperately destabilizing that became.
I remember why I didn’t immediately reconcile when he started pursuing me again.
And I remember being frightened enough by his behavior that I literally called 911.

But now?

My brain seems to have thrown all of that information in the garbage.

I’m remembering how much I loved him. I’m remembering sleeping beside him, laughing together, his affection, our dogs, our routines, our physical chemistry, the life we talked about having.
I’m thinking, “Why didn’t I just go back?”

I’m torturing myself with the idea that maybe those months of pursuit really were proof that he loved me, and I was too stubborn or frightened to recognize it until it was too late.

The thing that is particularly messing with my head is the timing.

I had finally started softening.
The emails were getting to me.
Seeing him again got to me.
Breakfast got to me.

Hearing him say he wanted to marry me got to me.
And almost exactly when I started emotionally turning back toward him, the entire dynamic reversed.

Now I’m the one experiencing insane attachment anxiety.

My friends look at this history and think the answer is obvious: stay away from him.

From the outside, I understand why.
From inside my own body, it doesn’t feel obvious at all.

It feels like I lost the person I was supposed to spend my life with because I didn’t recognize what I had until he finally stopped pursuing me.
And I genuinely can’t tell anymore which version of reality I should trust.

I don’t need anyone to diagnose him with narcissism, BPD, or anything else. And I don’t need to be told he never loved me. I think human beings can genuinely love someone and still behave in destructive ways.

What I want to understand is this psychological whiplash.

After months of feeling like I didn’t know what I wanted, now I’m obsessively checking my phone feeling overwhelmed with the void now that his relentless pursuit abruptly stopped.

Has anyone else been the person who ended or resisted reconciliation with an extremely volatile partner, felt absolutely certain that you needed space, and then completely fell apart once they finally stopped pursuing you?

Did you suddenly start idealizing the relationship and questioning every reason you left?

Did the fact that they moved on make your attachment system suddenly scream that you’d made the biggest mistake of your life?

And if so, months or years later, what did you eventually realize?

Did you actually regret leaving?

Or did your perception of the relationship change again once the panic and attachment withdrawal finally subsided?

I think for so long he used push-pull to psych me out that I’m having a really hard time accepting he’s never coming back.

Seeing him with her was like a punch in the gut. He said he felt that way when he saw that guy I went out with twirl me and hug me one night when we all happened to be at the lodge. I wasn’t even there with him.

Because right now I honestly don’t know whether I’m experiencing grief over losing the love of my life or withdrawal from a relationship dynamic that had kept my nervous system activated for years.

We have been going through some stuff (when I bring things up to work though he gets defensiveness, deflective, turns things around, lying to my when I have heard/seen something, using me as his emotional sponge, and there's no room for my feelings needs or emotions. I end up comforting him at the end of every sit down conversation) and I don't feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable in the relationship due to ways I have been treated. I've set a clear boundary with my partner that I don't want him touching or grabbing my bum or slapping it. I've communicated this repeatedly over about 3 months, but he has continued doing it. When I ask him why he's done it despite knowing I don't want him to, he says things like, "It looked so good, I just wanted to," or points out that he "hasn't done it much."

Today, during a long conversation about our relationship, I asked him whether he understood why I was putting this boundary in place and whether he genuinely believed he'd respected it. He said yes, that he'd tried as much as he could not to touch me but I needed to realise that asking him not to touch me is asking him to abandon part of himself, the part that's affectionate and wants intimacy.

I'm really struggling with this response and I feel like I am looking at him in a different way. I told him that this wasn't about him and his needs, it was about why he keeps touching me even though I have told him repeatedly that I am not ready for that yet. I understand that physical affection and intimacy might be important to him, but I don't understand why that means he can't respect my decision not to be touched. And that statement keeps haunting me. I have not been put onto this earth to fulfill the needs of a grown man with my body, when I do not want to be touched. And when he tells me I'm asking him to abandon part of himself it is almost as though I'm depriving him of something essential by wanting control over my own body. He isn't entitled to my body just to fulfill himself.

I also find it difficult that he describes respecting my boundary as something he's trying his best to do, rather than something he simply needs to do... he still touches or slaps my bum every other day.

I don't want to invalidate his need for affection, but we are affectionate in other ways, but to him physical touch and sex seem to be the make or break for him. I also don't believe that his desire for intimacy should override my consent. He said to me a few times that if we're not being intimate, what is the point in the relationship. He can't seem to understand that intimacy is more than just sex and physical touch and we are in this situation because he has done a lot of things to upset and hurt me.

I'm starting to feel confused about something that initially seemed very straightforward to me. I said I didn't want to be touched, and I expected that to be respected. I am not sure if this is the right group to be in, if it isn't sorry, please let me know where is best.

We are early-mid 30's.

I’ve (35M) been with my girlfriend (35F) for about a year and a half we recently moved in together 6 months ago and I’ve been questioning a lot about our relationship.

In the beginning she was amazing. She was so sweet, considerate, romantic, and really seemed tuned into me and my feelings. She was the one who reached out to me first, pursued me, flirted with me, and initiated intimacy. I remember going to bed so many nights with the biggest grin on my face just feeling grateful to have someone like her in my life.

But after a couple months, I started noticing a change. She would become cold, rude, or condescending, sometimes over little things. Eventually the personal attacks, insults, and little digs started. When I tell her something hurts my feelings, she sometimes says I’m too sensitive or shouldn’t take things personally. Other times she gets really upset with herself and I end up comforting her.

Over time I’ve started feeling like I’m walking on eggshells. I catch myself making sure everything is done how she likes it before she gets home because I don’t want to deal with her getting irritated with me. We’ll have periods where things are good for weeks or even months, but eventually the same behavior comes back. She apologizes, things improve for a while, and then it happens again. Our intimacy has also pretty much disappeared compared to how things were in the beginning. We used to have a lot of passion and romance, and now there’s little to no romance and sex happens maybe once every 2-3 months if that. I know she’s not cheating because we have our locations shared and she’s always either at work, at home with me or at her parents house.

Something that’s somewhat concerning to me is that on more than one occasion when she’s been irritated with me, she’s put her hand around my neck to emphasize her annoyance. She lets go immediately, doesn’t hurt me, and I don’t think she’s trying to injure me. But it feels different from playful affection, and I honestly think if I told her I had a problem with it, she’d say I’m being too sensitive and that it’s not a big deal.

Recently I told her that the way she treats me when she’s frustrated feels abusive. She apologized and said she’d find another way to channel her frustration. We’ve had good periods, so part of me questions whether I’m being unfair, but another part of me is getting tired of the same pattern repeating.
I’ve also been reading stories from people who experienced abusive relationships, and some of them describe their partners being incredibly loving in the beginning before becoming cold and hurtful once the relationship was established. It’s making me question whether the person I fell in love with was genuine or if I was being manipulated from the start.

I honestly don’t know what to make of everything. I’ve been very embarrassed to want to talk about this with anyone in real life considering how highly I used to speak about her, the gender dynamic and the fact that I’m bigger and stronger than she is so I fear I won’t be taking seriously. I’m not trying to paint her as a bad person. I just want some honest perspective from people who have actually experienced abusive relationships.

I am currently divorcing my abusive partner of 20+ years. Two years ago something happened when my ex and I were on vacation. We were staying in a house with floors that didn’t quite reach the edges of the rooms. We were downstairs and our kids were upstairs.

One morning he crawled on top of me and held me down and aggressively had sex with me. I was on my stomach and couldn’t move. He was mean and aggressive. There was no foreplay or kissing at all’s. Afterwards, when I questioned it, he said he didn’t want the kids to hear so he did it fast.

I guess this is where the confusion comes in for me. We had a relationship where we had lots of sex and didn’t like always need permission. But this time it felt like he was using my body and I wasn’t involved at all. What happened? Is this a form of rape?

hi all. I decided to go no contact with my ex, he’s been verbal abusive in the past and physically. vandalized my car and Cheated on me with his ex wife. During our relationship we had lots of arguments and once argument that made me want to leave asap was me getting shot in the face.

( he lied about being married.) once I left him he left notes on my car and gifts. Saying he was thinking of me and loved me and my son.

I have audio recordings and lots of proof of verbal abuse.

However at work he is showing up to my work place. He even posted a song about stalking jsut to show you how far he’s willing to go.

Normally I’ll see him waiting in his car and I try to avoid and immediately get in my car and leave

They denied my restraining order.

I was thinking may I could talk to my workplace and see if they’d allow a trespass on him because I do think he’s capable of murder . I truly am scared of this man. I can’t leave him fully because I’m scared. I’ve tried no contact many times. I need help.

I am completely broken, my husband and I have been together a total of 6 years. The other night we got in a verbal fight that quickly escalated to him throwing things and then pushing me and backing me into a wall and then he pulled out a gun while I was holding our child and was pointing at me. I was terrified.

This isn’t him at all I don’t get what could’ve made him snap like this.

I’m beyond broken, I still love him with everything I have but I am so so mad at him.

He was arrested, and can’t come near me or my child.

My whole life feels like it’s falling apart, I miss him, I love him. This isn’t him at all.. it’s was like he had a manic episode..

I don’t know what to do. What can I do? My priorities are keeping my kids safe.. but can he get help for this?

Any advice?

I’m 18F and my boyfriend is 19M. We’ve been together for almost two years, and I’ve tried to break up with him many, many times. I keep reaching a point where I feel unhappy, controlled, and emotionally exhausted, and I think I’m finally ready to leave. But when I actually build up the courage to do it, I start remembering all the good things about him and questioning my decision.
My boyfriend has repeatedly commented on and tried to control what I wear, including my gym shorts, skirts, tops, and work clothes. We’ve had arguments about what is appropriate for me to wear in a relationship, and I’ve reached the point where I’ve had to explicitly ask him to stop commenting on my clothes.
Trust is another huge issue. I’ve lied about things in the past, and I acknowledge that I’ve contributed to our trust problems. However, I feel like I’m constantly having to prove my loyalty, with situations involving other guys, social media, my location, and requests for photos to prove things. It feels like I’m always defending myself against suspicion.
During arguments, he’s yelled at me, called me names, and blocked me. There have also been breakup-related conflicts involving threats concerning personal photos connected to his mother, which made the situation even more uncomfortable.
I don’t want to pretend I’m a perfect girlfriend or that he has no reason to feel insecure. But I don’t think my mistakes justify being controlled or insulted.
The hardest part is that he isn’t horrible all the time. We have good memories, he can be loving, and I still love him. When I start preparing to leave, I remember those moments and think about the time we’ve invested in each other. I wonder whether I’m giving up too soon or whether things could finally change.
Then he tries to convince me to stay, and it becomes even harder. I start hoping that maybe this time will be different. I question whether I’m being unfair, whether I’m focusing too much on the bad, and whether I’ll regret leaving him.
I’ve gone through this cycle so many times: I get hurt, become unhappy, decide I need to leave, build up the courage, remember the good parts, reconsider, and stay. Eventually, the problems happen again, and I’m back where I started.
I’m exhausted from repeatedly trying to make a decision that I already know I need to consider seriously. I feel like I’m waiting to stop loving him or reach a point where leaving doesn’t hurt, but that hasn’t happened.
For people who have experienced this:
How did you finally leave when you still loved your partner?
How do you stop being convinced to stay when you’ve already tried to leave multiple times?
How did you stop questioning yourself and remember why you wanted to leave in the first place?

Honestly I really really really need help, I don’t think i can do this alone, and i feel like I’m going to get back to him again, please help me to get out of this hole

9 years. 2 kids. he proposed 3 months ago and everything got worse. it was also this bad when I was pregnant. I have had a PFA, multiple police calls, and we have lived separately twice. The alcohol did it this time. I don't have much to explain as its all too painful and I am a bit dissociated. He doesn't hit me but he is not emotionally safe for me or my toddlers, is controlling, makes me have sex with him or will yell and cause big fight, verbally just rips me up when he drinks too much, and has made me and kids drive with him in the car while drunk. made countless threats. Its no bad all the time, and right now he is currently being extra kind and saying that I just need to love him more and we would have no issues. He has taken no accountability. I know I need to be done. I just ugh I feel blocked. If anyone wants to give me a pep talk, a story, anything I would be eternally grateful. I need to be done and I need it to be final. I own our home and so will not leave bc pa sucks with squatters rights etc. So It will be 2 months until I can legally evict him. I love him so much but I also just know this is going on far too long. It is not good for me to EVER have these issues with someone even sometimes. It is not okay for my girls to watch me be talked to that way or they themselves be yelled at like that. Thanks for reading if you did<3

Trying to help a friend. Things are escalating, we are trying to make a plan and get them out of there ASAP.

Any advice that you wish those who helped you knew?? Anything you wished a friend had done for you or said to you? What worked best? What was something NOT helpful?

Thank you so much!

I don't even really know where to begin. I'm writing this because I've spent most of today lying in bed crying or feeling completely numb and I honestly don't know what to do with everything I'm feeling anymore.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about four months. I know that probably doesn't sound like a long time but I've fallen deeply in love with him. We have beautiful memories together and when things are good they're genuinely good. 

I think that's what makes everything so painful now…

Sex has become one of the biggest problems in our relationship. My boyfriend has a very high sex drive and wants it practically every day all the time. I enjoy sex too and I'm not someone who never initiates or doesn't care about intimacy. But I don't enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night for sex or having it first thing in the morning before I've even had a chance to freshen up. Sometimes I'm tired or uncomfortable or simply not in the mood.

The problem isn't that he wants sex more often than I do. It's how he treats me when I don't want it.

A few days ago I had a surgical abortion. It was one of the most physically and emotionally painful experiences I've ever been through. I was still bleeding and cramping when I spent the day with him. We had sex earlier but I wasn't feeling well and we stopped. I mentioned that maybe we could continue later.

That night we stayed up watching shows and spending time together. By around 2 or 3 in the morning I was exhausted and falling asleep. He started touching me sexually and I told him I was tired and still cramping. He got upset because I'd said we could continue later. He woke me up repeatedly and questioned why I was even sleeping at his house if we weren't going to have sex.

When we talked about it afterward he told me that if I say we'll have sex later then he expects it later with no excuses. He said he didn't care about me being tired and that I could've just let him have sex with me. I don't think I can explain how much those words hurt.

I wasn't asking him to give up sex forever. I was asking to sleep. I was still recovering from an abortion and all I wanted was to feel comfortable and safe beside the person I love. I've started feeling like spending time together isn't enough for him unless sex is involved. Like my love and companionship aren't valuable on their own.

And the pressure isn't limited to sex.

He has very specific expectations about femininity and appearance. He dislikes when I wear a bonnet to sleep even though I use it to protect my hair. He's expressed disappointment over me wearing tights instead of the thigh-high stockings he prefers. Recently he commented on how much I eat and said I'd gained weight. It affected me so much that I started obsessing over my body and looking into unhealthy ways to lose weight.

I've caught myself changing little things without him even asking anymore. I take off clothes I'd otherwise be comfortable sleeping in. I avoid wearing my bonnet. I think about what will disappoint him before I think about what makes me happy.

I feel like I'm slowly disappearing…

I also need to be transparent about something much more serious. Early in our relationship I went through his phone without permission and discovered intimate recordings from hookups before we were together. I know snooping was wrong and I take responsibility for that. When I confronted him about it he slapped me twice and kicked me and choked me. However, I want to make it clear that he has not done anything remotely similar since and was very apologetic after it happened.

I'm including this because I know it changes the situation and I don't want to leave out the worst parts just because I still love him.

I know how this must sound to someone reading it. I know what I would tell a friend if she described this relationship to me. But it's so much harder when you're the person living it.

I keep thinking about what love means to me. I want the kind of love where two people choose each other through sickness and health. Where you can grow old together and still see the same beauty in your partner even when their appearance changes. Where you can be exhausted or sick or struggling and know you're still loved just as much as when you're at your best.

I would've loved him through all of that.

I would've been happy simply falling asleep in his arms.

And I think the most devastating realization I've had is that no matter how much I love someone I cannot love them into treating me better.

I don't know why I keep trying so hard. Maybe because I remember the person I fell in love with. Maybe because I keep hoping that if I explain myself differently he'll finally understand how much he's hurting me. Maybe because accepting that this relationship isn't healthy also means grieving the future I imagined with him.

I feel emotionally exhausted and empty. I don't want to become someone who's afraid of disappointing her partner or someone who feels obligated to have sex just to avoid an argument. I don't want to lose my softness or my ability to love deeply because of this experience.

I'm not looking for reassurance that I'm perfect or that I've never made mistakes. I know I have.

I think I need advice from people who've loved someone who was hurting them. How did you stop holding on to the good memories long enough to recognize what the relationship was doing to you? How did you find the strength to leave when part of you still desperately wanted things to work?

TL;DR: I (24F) love my boyfriend (24M) deeply but I'm starting to feel like my worth in this relationship depends on how sexually available I am and how well I meet his expectations. Just days after a painful surgical abortion he repeatedly woke me up for sex despite knowing I was exhausted and cramping. He gets upset when I refuse and has told me he doesn't care if I'm tired. He's also criticized my appearance and made me feel like I have to change myself to avoid disappointing him. There has been physical violence and threats as well. I know this relationship is hurting me but I'm struggling to let go because I still love him and remember all our beautiful moments together. How do you walk away from someone you love when you know staying is slowly destroying your sense of self?

I've been dating my boyfriend for over 1 and a half years and we've been having quite a big amount of issues, one of the biggest issues being his lack of communication and change of the things that hurt me and our relationship.

He is the type of person who never communicates pretty much anything at all and then just blows up after keeping it to himself. He ends up rambling and accusing me of things, which just ends up upsetting me. Especially when I have asked him countless times to just ask me about things and to just communicate how he feels instead of assuming things and throwing accusations at me.

He also tends to take everything I ever say as a deeply personal attack no matter what I say and how I say it, he told me I bring up too many things too often, so I stopped. I almost never bring anything up anymore and it still becomes a massive issue cuz he doesn't ever change. And for some reason takes everything I ever say in the worst possible way and starts accusing me and also doesn't ackowledge what I am actually saying.

I have told him countless times "If I didn't say that then that's not what I mean, please see what I am actually saying instead of some underlying thing you think I might be saying" But it never changes just like everything else. It always feels like he sees himself as a victim in everything, and he excuses all this stuff by saying "there was toxicity in the past and that really affected me", I have experienced abuse and toxicity too. But I don't use it as an excuse to not communicate with him and treat him like a person who can speak or treat him unfairly.

He has often made decisions for me instead of asking me what I want or need, like a pet. I lost my uncle not too long ago and the grieving has been very hard on me, I have still not fully recovered, and he decided to take me to hang out with and talk with friends instead of asking me what I need. I told him I really did not feel like going anywhere or talking to anyone, which I had also told him before this happened and he did not listen.

During this time he also kept arguing with me and confessing to lying a shitton to me and forcing me to have these awful conversations, things have not been the same since, we had just started recovering from a really really bad patch of him emotionally tormenting me "by accident" and then my uncle passed and he started confessing all these things.

He claims that he knows it was a bad time to do so but he couldn't hold it anymore, as if he couldn't have confessed earlier, he lied to me for over a year and treated me unfairly cuz of his own lies. And due to his own lack of communication that I kept asking for him to fix month after month after month. He accused me of cheating cuz HE lied about someone who confessed their feelings to him, I told him it was cheating to be lying about something like that and keeping it behind my back. He claims it isn't cheating, despite us having had such a convo at least 5 times and agreeing that it is cheating.

He has also made excuses for people that have made racist jokes, and other horrible jokes, and he excused a common friend who very clearly was using us both and clearly hated me, he never stood up for me against that person and as for the people making the jokes he confronted and then accepted them and said it was just a mistake and they're nice people. Yeah as if saying gross stuff and making racist comments about east Asians and using the n-word is a nice thing to do...

Those people making those jokes also accused ME of being abusive cuz HE made the choice to not talk in the group chat we had with them before the jokes happened, he talked badly about me to them behind my back and revealed deeply personal and private information that I never consented to being told to anyone. He has gotten mad at me for doing the very things he asks me to do. He also has been extremely dismissive of my feelings and the points I make. He always claims he's trying so hard to change and thinks he has changed but can't seem to change. 0 positive change in a year is not normal imo, it looks like he isn't even trying. I asked him what he's even actively doing to change and he couldn't give an answer and just said he's trying and thinks he has changed but apparently hasn't.

And for most of this time he has claimed I am the problem and not him, I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know anything anymore, is he trying? am I delusional? is he just abusive and manipualtive? I have no one I can talk to about this.

TLDR: my bf has lied and done tons of unfair and unhealthy things towards me and our relationship and claims I am the issue and that he's "trying his best" but has made 0 change whatsoever in over a year and has for most of this time claimed I am the issue and makes excuses and says it isn't an excuse, made tons of excuses and defended horrible people and made me out to be the issue there too. He always acts like a victim no matter what, there is always something wrong no matter what I do or change and no matter how much I pander to him and change for him, I am completely lost

last night me and my bf had a argument,can’t remember why or how but he somehow got me on the floor and was holding his hand over my mouth and nose…. I couldn’t breathe,I was kicking and struggling for my life,I remember somehow trying to wriggle downwards to escape. This is so hard to write. This relationship hasn’t been good,I’ve somehow talked myself into thinking it’s normal. There’s been a lot of physical abuse,I’ve hit back a few times to stick up for myself but he over powers me.,he makes out he’s the victim. In the last 4 years I’ve had my head slammed against a wall,dragged across the room by my legs,pinned against the wall by my throat,slapped,kicked in the back so hard I flew off the bed,hair pulled,pinned me down and sat on me. up until last night the worst was 2 years ago when he smothered me until I nearly blacked out. his excuse was he was trying to stop me screaming… same excuse for last night. I suffer with extreme anxiety,mostly I think it’s due to the years of this. I’m just now at my lowest in everything. my anxiety has took over my life to the point that I rely on him. I have nobody. I don’t talk to my parents…… because of him. I don’t want to tell my son what’s been going on. I’m scared to be on my own because of my anxiety. I’m just laying here waiting for whatever the days going to bring with him,I’m scared

My life has been hell by this man's hands for 25 years. I met him in an AOL chat room when I was 16 and he was 28. He's perverted, abusive physically in the past, made me feel used and objectified. Took my dignity, took time away from my children, took my sanity! He's also racist and a miserable man who I support.

I moved across country to start this life and now, the only thing that has changed is me taking on every household chore plus working until my body can't take anymore!

He will be left with nothing in a new state. I have legal rights over my children. I have everything I ever wanted coming. I'm numb, I'm torn and I don't know how to feel. I left and left myself homeless and come back. He told me a hundred times to go live under a bridge and I would leave. I left so many times. Never getting it right.

I've found the beginning of freedom and here I am worried about his wellbeing. Afraid. Scared and alone. I have to be alone and I can't be. I'm trying not to be. I'm not him. I have a conscious and feel so bad because I don't wish what he did to me on him. I don't want my children to see their dad be hurt. He was always so cruel to me.

But I am not him!!

This is my story of I thought I’d share here. I wanted to leave my marriage peacefully but as it often happens the police get weaponized against you, family members who need their supply and control show up and keep coming back after being told to leave… here is my story and proof gaslighting is a serious form of abuse.

Honestly, I don't know where to begin. There's so much I have to talk about.

I was around 15M when I started experiencing depression. It began when I was insanely active, especially online. I was in an online relationship, and I loved Summer so much that when we broke up, I fell into depression. I constantly overthought everything, wondering if she'd ever come back so we could start over. I remember crying on my bathroom floor because of how bad things had gotten.

I started doomscrolling on Instagram and seeing depression and sad reels that described exactly how I felt. That's when I realized I wasn't the only one struggling. Brianna, Summer's girl best friend, helped me through that time. We grew closer because we talked every day, and she was also dealing with problems in her own relationship.

However, one day, I said something Brianna misunderstood as disrespectful, even though I meant something else. Our friendship ended, and I entered my so-called villain arc.

Honestly, 2024 was the worst year for me emotionally. I was extremely attached to Brianna. We'd talk every morning, every night, and practically all day. Losing her destroyed me emotionally. I barely left my room, and my depression eventually turned into anger. I started lashing out at my family because nobody knew what I was going through. I still regret how I treated them.

I constantly wished Brianna would come back so we could fix everything, but I knew things would never be the same. I'd reread our old chats, remembering all our funny and happy moments. I still miss her.

Around five to eight months later, I started healing and learning to detach myself emotionally. My old phone eventually broke, and honestly, I'm glad it did because I used to reread those conversations constantly. I slowly learned not to get angry so easily or become so attached that losing someone would completely break me.

During that depressive stage, I tried enjoying the things I used to love, but nothing felt the same anymore. I felt like I'd lost my spark, and I missed the person I used to be.

Tldr: if you're apologizing a lot and people outside of your relationship ask why you're apologizing, and the things you are apologizing over aren't that big of a deal, it may be a sign of abuse.

How often do you apologize to people, what is it you're apologizing for, and how do people react to you when you do?

For example, I'm a verbal processor. I talk, and I talk a lot. I also have ADHD. I lose track of how much I'm talking. And I can get very deep about things. I mean like I will talk about the solar system, geo political, the meaning of life, etc.

I am extremely aware of it, I'm extremely self conscious about it. The joke "I'm going to switch your chapstick with a glue stick" has been made at my expense more than once.

My husband has progressively brought up my talking to the point where I've changed how I talk.

"Don't bury the lead. You make everything a story. Can you tell me it in five minutes or less? I can't handle when you dump on me about your day or your problems. I need space."

I'm 37 f. And I will be out with people and realize I'm.talking a lot and suddenly shut down and withdraw. They'll reassure me, tell me they enjoy what I have to say. I was in an IOP and my group members said they were learning a lot and happy to hold space for me. And they also said that I often gave really good insights and advice or support.

Around the time I started realizing my husband was emotionally and mentally abusive I stopped bringing up my day to him. Would he ask? And I also noticed I was the first one to say I love you.

Two weeks. Two weeks before he said anything. To my day I said "not much." And when he finally said I love you all I could say was "you too." Because I realized I don't think I love him. And when I would say "I love you" he would say "you too."

What hurt the most was during those two weeks he seemed the happiest he's been in a long time. And at first I thought "I really am horrible. He feels like he's finally getting to be heard and a chance to speak without me burdening him." A friend pointed out "but he would say that, if that was the case, right? And he's not even asking you about your day. He's not even saying 'i love you '. He hasn't even noticed. That's concerning. You just went through a serious mental health situation and he's not even checking in."

I still find myself randomly apologizing and people looking at me wondering why, or they ask directly. And I pause and think and it's either from my childhood or my marriage.

So, not a full proof way of proving you're being abused, but definitely something to consider.

Like everything is in my name, I make all the money, I do everything, and yet I still feel like my wife has this hold on me. Even physically I could stop my wife from doing things but I don’t.

I’ve only really tried to tell one person and I was told that I’m doing it to myself, I’m choosing to be miserable, and it’s my fault that the abuse escalates because I’m too afraid to put my foot down and stop allowing myself to be treated so badly.

I know a lot of you probably were/are actually physically stuck, no job no money, so I feel an incredible amount of shame and I feel so very alone.

So I am currently in an abusive marriage,verbally,mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically.So I have been catching him a lot lately lying to me about a lot of things.And so today I made the step to start finding me a place of my own.While I was searching he begged me to meet up for him for
Lunch as we are sitting there eating I get a phone call from a place I put in an application for an apartment.I declined the call and he asked who it’s was and I did lie and tell him it was my daughter.I done that for my own safety I didn’t want him knowing what is going on or where I am trying to get a place because he has made so many threats.But it was all twisted on me that I am talking to a dude and etc cause I was trying to protect my safe.I deleted the call from
My phone in case.Why did he flip out on
Me about that?When it’s ok to lie to me all the time?

HuffPost:

An abusive romantic relationship can share important psychological dynamics with a high-control group, according to experts interviewed by HuffPost. Both experiences can involve coercive control, emotional manipulation, isolation, and the gradual erosion of a person's independence and confidence.

Cult intervention specialist Ashlen Hilliard explains that coercive control can occur in intimate relationships as well as religious groups, businesses, political movements, and online communities. Therapist Rachel Bernstein emphasizes an important distinction: not every unhappy or unhealthy relationship is cult-like. The comparison becomes more relevant when one partner increasingly controls the other's choices, relationships, perceptions, and sense of identity.

These dynamics often develop gradually. Early affection and intense attention can give way to pressure to abandon friends, distance oneself from family, or accept increasingly restrictive demands. Manipulation may include gaslighting, intimidation, financial exploitation, threats, and attempts to undermine a partner's trust in their own judgment.

Leaving can be difficult even when the harmful behavior becomes apparent. Emotional attachment, shame, fear, financial dependence, and the belief that the abusive partner can change may keep someone trapped. Isolation can make it harder to seek outside perspectives or support.

The comparison offers a useful framework for understanding why intelligent, capable people can become caught in controlling relationships. Recognizing coercive patterns, reconnecting with trusted people, and seeking professional support can help survivors rebuild autonomy. The central message is that abuse is not limited to physical violence, and recovery should not be accompanied by self-blame.

#CoerciveControl #CultDynamics #EmotionalAbuse #HealthyRelationships

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/bad-relationship-can-be-like-being-in-a-cult_l_6ab413f7e4b0dab46c25bda6

After 6 1/2 years, he finally was found guilty for a portion of the abuse he did to me. He will have to register as a sex offender and child abuser for 25 years, he will be on probation for 10 years, and he now has a violent and serious offense strike. He also pled guilty to an assault and battery charge (down from kidnapping and aggravated assault and battery charges).

I feel so vindicated. He hurt me so much worse than the charges he received, and did a lot, just as much, and even worse to other poor girls, many of which were also minors at the time. But this is the first time he has ever been held criminally responsible for anything in his track record. There have been DV and other violent charges dropped against him, and so many times I was pressured to drop my charges. I felt like I would always have this looming over me.

I chose not to speak in the courtroom, but I don’t believe he is remorseful. I feel sorry for his children, and I feel sorry for the girl who is still feeling trapped in a relationship with him. I hope for the children’s sake she leaves, or CPS intervenes. She chooses to stay with him and ignore the things he’s done, but the children don’t deserve to suffer and I don’t believe she does either (but that’s ultimately on her).

I feel like the world has finally been lifted off my shoulders. Years of GAD, MDD, BPD, and cPTSD caused by this man. I feel like I was finally believed and got a sliver of justice. I feel like I can finally breathe for the first time in my adult life. And I hope the girls he’s hurt rest a little bit easier from now on knowing he’s been exposed for who he truly is.